AlexthenotsoGreat
Active Member
New month, new opportunities. Let's get back on track for march and another two months! This is the big haul, and I'm gonna do it even if I have to use a tranquilizer on myself. Who's up for the challenge!
Free Three!
- Thread starter AlexthenotsoGreat
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hooked on monkey fonics
Member
AlexthenotsoGreat said:
What's different about a new calender month and its ability to effect recovery?
Pete McVries
Active Member
count me in! 8)
AlexthenotsoGreat
Active Member
Nothing, but it's a good motivator to have a goal in mind.
AlexthenotsoGreat
Active Member
Wow! I should know by now not to make false promises, but it seems learning takes a while. I recently binged because I'd lost (have lost) all motivation. For me the biggest trigger is being hurt by others, and whenever that happens I'm especially vulnerable.
But besides this I'm also struggling to get over a woman I was hoping to date. I thought we had a really good connection but apparently I was wrong. This was months ago but I still can't stop thinking about her. It is hard for me to meet women I relate to, so this was a big trigger for me. Right now I can't honestly say I won't give in again the next couple of days. My emotions are a roller coaster. I'm just trying to survive the depression to be honest. Also, I've begun chatting with a woman from a dating site, but I'm afraid that if I doesn't work out I'll just fall even deeper into depression again. To all the wise-asses who think they are fooling anyone by saying you can overcome lust by will alone, without friends, family or spouse as support, you are not doing either yourself or us any favors by spreading this lie. Loneliness is by far the biggest obstacle to overcoming porn. I'm convinced this goes for every guy that struggles with it. Count yourself lucky if you have a friend or girlfriend you can talk to every week.
Have I gotten stuck in a rut of self-pity? Yes, probably. But I'm also aware that porn has done irretrievable damage to my relations with family, my self-esteem and any sense of hope for the future. So while I might struggle to separate the addiction from my feelings, I nonetheless know that quitting porn is the key to moving on in life.
Lastly, I know it's not popular to say this and I'll probably receive some flack, but I honestly think that it will be easier to overcome porn for those of us who have either an active social life, a spouse, or a girlfriend. They often have shorter windows in which to use, while others of us have to battle the temptation for multiple hours, sometimes even days at a time. In their case I think it's simply a case of having to grow up and quit pining for the days of their youth through porn. I'm not saying that their cravings will be any less than mine, but come on, how do a few hours of cravings compare to days of them? I don't say this lightly either. This is what I've concluded from approximately 5-6 years of doing 12-step for sex and porn addicts. I've watched grown, married men in their fifties complain as if they had the hardest time of it, and frankly, I find it a bit pathetic. There are also others who have overcome it, and I can't help but think it largely has to do with motivation. The ones who beat the addiction have never been single men. I don't think this is a coincidence. No, I'm not saying that marriage or a relationship is the golden rainbow that leads to a pot of gold, but gratitude for what you have can lead a long way as I've heard from those (most of them friends) who are "recovered" addicts (as if you're ever recovered) and whom I greatly respect.
For this reason I won't quit using the dating site, because I think building a relationship (especially if you're over 30) and pursuing a partner is more important than white-knuckling it. Feel free to disagree, and like I said, I don't think the problem is "solved" by having a relationship. I just know that for me personally loneliness has always been the biggest trigger. Rant over. Thanks for reading.
But besides this I'm also struggling to get over a woman I was hoping to date. I thought we had a really good connection but apparently I was wrong. This was months ago but I still can't stop thinking about her. It is hard for me to meet women I relate to, so this was a big trigger for me. Right now I can't honestly say I won't give in again the next couple of days. My emotions are a roller coaster. I'm just trying to survive the depression to be honest. Also, I've begun chatting with a woman from a dating site, but I'm afraid that if I doesn't work out I'll just fall even deeper into depression again. To all the wise-asses who think they are fooling anyone by saying you can overcome lust by will alone, without friends, family or spouse as support, you are not doing either yourself or us any favors by spreading this lie. Loneliness is by far the biggest obstacle to overcoming porn. I'm convinced this goes for every guy that struggles with it. Count yourself lucky if you have a friend or girlfriend you can talk to every week.
Have I gotten stuck in a rut of self-pity? Yes, probably. But I'm also aware that porn has done irretrievable damage to my relations with family, my self-esteem and any sense of hope for the future. So while I might struggle to separate the addiction from my feelings, I nonetheless know that quitting porn is the key to moving on in life.
Lastly, I know it's not popular to say this and I'll probably receive some flack, but I honestly think that it will be easier to overcome porn for those of us who have either an active social life, a spouse, or a girlfriend. They often have shorter windows in which to use, while others of us have to battle the temptation for multiple hours, sometimes even days at a time. In their case I think it's simply a case of having to grow up and quit pining for the days of their youth through porn. I'm not saying that their cravings will be any less than mine, but come on, how do a few hours of cravings compare to days of them? I don't say this lightly either. This is what I've concluded from approximately 5-6 years of doing 12-step for sex and porn addicts. I've watched grown, married men in their fifties complain as if they had the hardest time of it, and frankly, I find it a bit pathetic. There are also others who have overcome it, and I can't help but think it largely has to do with motivation. The ones who beat the addiction have never been single men. I don't think this is a coincidence. No, I'm not saying that marriage or a relationship is the golden rainbow that leads to a pot of gold, but gratitude for what you have can lead a long way as I've heard from those (most of them friends) who are "recovered" addicts (as if you're ever recovered) and whom I greatly respect.
For this reason I won't quit using the dating site, because I think building a relationship (especially if you're over 30) and pursuing a partner is more important than white-knuckling it. Feel free to disagree, and like I said, I don't think the problem is "solved" by having a relationship. I just know that for me personally loneliness has always been the biggest trigger. Rant over. Thanks for reading.
Pete McVries
Active Member
AlexthenotsoGreat said:
I would tend to agree but I have to add something. When you are battling this addiction on your own without depending on the help of a spouse or gf, chances are, if you are doing it right, that you will grow a lot more as a person and thus become a lot more stable for the rest of your life. If you beat this addiction while being dependend on your partner, chances are that you spiral back into the PMO addiction once the relationship ends. So, yeah, it's harder but it's also more sustainable.
Get back on the horse!
AlexthenotsoGreat
Active Member
Good point Pete. Co-dependency is a problem I face and it needs to be dealt with.
MosesY
Active Member
You have to figure out your own path to quit. It would help to talk to a therapist about it but in the end nobody knows more about you than you do. If loneliness is a trigger for you then you need to work on eliminating loneliness, which you are. You are focused on finding a partner/girlfriend to eliminate loneliness. Just keep in mind there are other ways to eliminate loneliness. You can cultivate relationships with your family, you can find a hobby and then find an online forum for that hobby and make friends there even local people that you can meet, you can go to church and make friends, you can go to SA meetings and make friends. You can move in with a friend and share a house or apartment.
One of the reasons people get lonely is because they can't face themselves, they are not happy with who they are. Even with a partner/girlfriend there will be lots of times when you are alone. You might think about combating the root cause of being lonely instead of filling the loneliness with people. This might require the help of a therapist. If loneliness is your biggest trigger and you are no longer lonely when you are alone then there is no trigger.
One of the reasons people get lonely is because they can't face themselves, they are not happy with who they are. Even with a partner/girlfriend there will be lots of times when you are alone. You might think about combating the root cause of being lonely instead of filling the loneliness with people. This might require the help of a therapist. If loneliness is your biggest trigger and you are no longer lonely when you are alone then there is no trigger.
H
HumbleRich
Guest
Hey all,
Alexthenotsogreat, I hear ya. I don't know how old you are, but I can definitely relate to what you are saying, especially when I think about beginning this journey years ago, (on another support board), when I was 18 or 19 and starting college.
A few things:
Please don't comfuse sexual desire for a woman you like with lust or porn. It isn't the same thing. You should have sexual feelings for women you date, otherwise what js the point. Don't be creepy about jt and don't mame sleeping with them the goal. But by all means, allow yourself to feel and process these emotions.
Secondly, but relating to what I said above. Living porn free should be your goal, and it is aligned with a healthy sexual life. I strongly disagree with many on this board who talk about avoiding sex in this journey. I think that largely misses the point. What you want is a healthy, vibrant social and love life. The two: no porn and sex are connected, not opposite.
Stop watching porn and stop masturbating, but by all means ask out girls you like. That is the whole point, afterall.
Just my two cents.
Rich
Alexthenotsogreat, I hear ya. I don't know how old you are, but I can definitely relate to what you are saying, especially when I think about beginning this journey years ago, (on another support board), when I was 18 or 19 and starting college.
A few things:
Please don't comfuse sexual desire for a woman you like with lust or porn. It isn't the same thing. You should have sexual feelings for women you date, otherwise what js the point. Don't be creepy about jt and don't mame sleeping with them the goal. But by all means, allow yourself to feel and process these emotions.
Secondly, but relating to what I said above. Living porn free should be your goal, and it is aligned with a healthy sexual life. I strongly disagree with many on this board who talk about avoiding sex in this journey. I think that largely misses the point. What you want is a healthy, vibrant social and love life. The two: no porn and sex are connected, not opposite.
Stop watching porn and stop masturbating, but by all means ask out girls you like. That is the whole point, afterall.
Just my two cents.
Rich
rohit6223
Member
Hey brother!
I successfully completed the free march today or in other words , today i today successfully completed staying away from PMO for this whole month!
I hope you also kept your end of the promise and if u didn't i want you to create free April from tomorrow and stay 100% committed to it. and i wish you a all the best for all your future endeavors.
I successfully completed the free march today or in other words , today i today successfully completed staying away from PMO for this whole month!
I hope you also kept your end of the promise and if u didn't i want you to create free April from tomorrow and stay 100% committed to it. and i wish you a all the best for all your future endeavors.
AlexthenotsoGreat
Active Member
Thanks for your thoughts guys. The fight goes on.
AlexthenotsoGreat
Active Member
rohit6223 said:Hey brother!
I successfully completed the free march today or in other words , today i today successfully completed staying away from PMO for this whole month!
I hope you also kept your end of the promise and if u didn't i want you to create free April from tomorrow and stay 100% committed to it. and i wish you a all the best for all your future endeavors.
Thanks rohit6223!
I'm starting a new post today, and this time it's serious!