Cultivating A New Habit - The Journal

[monknasty]

3/31/14

this morning I JO'd like twice using porn and I came back home from my day in the city and I immediately went for the computer but thanks to yourbrainonporn.com I watched a very informative video called "things you may not know about porn" or something like that and I have made a decision to stop completely. I'm going to log my progress on a daily basis every night how I am feeling and such and yea. im definitely hooked so I'm gonna try to cut it out completely and hopefully by staying accountable on here I will not go back. I have quit cigarettes, alcohol, and pot and now what I am working on is porn and junk food.... let the reboot commence!! 

 

[dwenjang1218]

Good for you man.
I hear quitting smoking is as difficult as quitting PMO.
I'm sure you'll do great.
Best wishes!

 

[shake19]

You made it with cigarettes, alcohol, pot, so you can do with PMO. You are strong and that's why you've already made your decision. Now stick to it and don't let yourself go back to the PMO addiction.

I wish you all the best. You are going to win this battle.

 

[monknasty]

4/3/14

Thanks guys for your support. It means a lot to see other people putting in the effort. I have been looking at this stuff since I was 12 if not younger. I remember when I was a little kid in 5th grade asking my teacher as subtly as possible how to get around my parent's child internet protector. It was a problem in middle school because I'd spend all day at my computer: I couldn't wait to have the house to myself. And now this feels impossible (hopeless)... but feelings are just reactions to my thoughts which are skewed...

I'm addicted to instant gratification of ANY kind.. even now... my NEW brain (neocortex) is telling me "put more effort in" or "work harder" and my old brain is saying "listen.. wouldn't you rather just lie around and drink and smoke and..." STOP my old brain seems to be really eloquent and persuasive while my rational self has not cultivated this type of power over me... BUT there is indeed hope! just typing this out now and having a forum to come to to express my pain and ideas is a GREAT help... and I can't thank you guys enough for responding to my first post... that is what this is about after all... connection with other humans...

unfortunately I did not even stay true to my commitment of a couple days ago, but fortunately I am still here to talk about it with everyone... I read somewhere that relapses don't matter and it is about recovering and building a better life so I rationalized "ok so I can JO and then after I'll make a better life for myself... whats a little pleasure gonna do bad for me?" AH that's that old brain monster! the new brain I could feel it saying "yes but you made a promise to a group of fellows and you have no good reason to engage in such behavior.. people need your help and you are squandering your time" ...I promised myself and you guys I would stay off it and I didn't report in before I decided to look at the evil pixels!

I made a commitment to stay off the stuff for the good reason that it was taking over my life and now that I have seen it truly has a hold on me... I can redouble my efforts and recognize I CAN engage in other BETTER activities and from now on.. whenever I get that desire and I am hell bent on going the WRONG direction I can

1. tell on myself here so that I can regain some direction and clarity (humility) and stay accountable to you folks
2. recognize that it is a desire like many other desires that I CAN let go of
and I am responsible to let go of because it is dangerous for the future of me and whoever I can be helping

 

[dwenjang1218]

Don't beat yourself up too bad.
It takes time to adjust to this new lifestyle.
I wouldn't be as successful as I am on this reboot
if I hadn't failed my first attempt.

Hey why don't you try setting up the no PMO counter on your account?
It's not for everyone, but it works really well for me
because I love record-setting games like flappy bird.
I love to see the green bar get fuller day after day like a loading bar.
With the counter, it becomes easier for me to visualize my progress
and also gives me another reason to avoid porn (cuz I don't want that bar to go empty again)

 

[dwenjang1218]

If you are up for it, you can click on any counter to learn how to set up your own.
It's real easy.

 

[monknasty]

4/3/14

thank you for the idea and the encouraging words! I set up my counter and it definitely feels better knowing I have a date to look forward to. I love to hate on myself and it never seems to help the situation! anyway I wanted to j.o. tonight (and still want to!) BUT now that I can write it here and realize that it is SUCH a time waster... I want to get good at writing and it is hard to write when I am always gratifying my animal urges!

anyway just checking in, one day at a time, gonna beat this so one day I will look back and say "remember when I was a slave to handgela... good thing that's over! good thing I made that decision on April 3rd 2014 to STOP because now I am living out my dreams and I get to choose my behaviors and NOT my reptilian brain stem"

I'm going to work on cultivating a vision of who I'd like to be because I think that is ultimately whats going to keep me from running back to my computer whenever I am in pain... I will instead work harder in manifesting my purpose on planet earth!! yay ok I gotta do homework now, peace out fellow booters!

 

[monknasty]

4/5/2014

Im not going to waste any time. I just want to confess that I have not stayed true to my commitment. I am renewing my faith once again that I will refrain from P. I found another loophole in that if I could look at P and M but not O that would be okay so I did that... and sure enough came the O

I want to write poetry, dance, play guitar, rap even, act, help people... all these great things and looking at P saps my energy and vitality... so for those simple reasons I am going to spend my time productively.. and refrain from P

and to confess one step further... I M'd directly after writing my last post... so now instead I will say what I will do instead here...

meditate
work on book
work on book #2
read poetry
read memoir
and so on

and I will check in tomorrow morning to say how tonight went

 

[dwenjang1218]

Be strong brother. You can do this.

Drastic changes can result in a lot of stress.
Why don't you try masturbating without porn first?
I've said this before in some other journal, but it's the second best option.
When masturbating, stay focused and don't think about pornographic images.
Then once you are confident that you lost your porn habit for good,
move on to quitting masturbation as well- this is the hard part.
This method is working well for me.

 

[monknasty]

4/6/14

words cant express the confusion. im not terribly distraught or anything. Im just sort of speechless concerning the fact that I make all these commitments and each and every time I can't sustain for more than an hour after the commitment. the obvious question is "whats wrong with me!?" but I don't know how productive that inquiry would be. Thanks VforVictory for the support and the suggestion! I may try that.

I am humbled sort of by this process I think. I feel like a slave to the computer yet I do feel like I am choosing still somewhat, when the desire comes, to open my computer and to not move away from the computer where I would be most likely to indulge. and this is the somewhat scary part is that I feel like I am not scared enough or not aware enough or not willing enough or not desirous enough to want a fap free life... this is probably the hopeless voice talking but partly I think "how else will I have fun?" not that I am having fun with P but it is pleasureful and I feel like maybe I am just not having enough faith in life.. anyway I just thought I would ramble... I want to comment on others journals and get involved as well because then I will feel more connected and get the focus off myself... and thank you for anyone who has read this far... my former therapist once said that "work will set you free" and I see him as a mini-god aka a healthy happy person

 

[dwenjang1218]

It's true what you said.
If you don't have the motivation, then there's no way you'll succeed, even if someone forced you to.
It's not necessarily a "bad" thing to fap. It's a choice.
Why do you want to reboot?

I don't know what's at the end of this tunnel,
but if the tales of the past rebooters about post-reboot superpowers are true,
then I seriously want in on it.
That's my choice.

You should make your own choice too-
Not because society told you it's bad to fap, not because it's becoming a trend, not because your friends are doing it.
(If your reason to reboot is any of the above, then you are not going to have enough motivation)
Read up on the benefits and sacrifices that you have to make,
compare the two and see what's in it for you.
Then make an actual choice, acknowledging the fact that you also have the power to decline. It's your body.

I hope this all made sense, I feel like I'm blabbering something too complicated for words.
Personally, I hope you'll continue to try.

 

[DarthVader]

Hey Monknasty,

I responded to your post in my journal, but I thought I'd write here too.

Your story is an inspiration to me. It's given me a boost today, as I'm struggling through serious chaser effects today.

@VforVictory,

"but if the tales of the past rebooters about post-reboot superpowers are true,
then I seriously want in on it."

I love this bit. That sums up why I'm doing it. All of the health and social benefits.

 

[monknasty]

4/6/14

if I stay near this computer too long I may fap so I am going to be brief. thank you VforVictory. I will definitely read up on yourbrainonporn.com about the benefits. I imagine it will be suffering but eventually it wont be this thing I obsess over every time I get near a computer or see an advertisement. reading posts by Gabe on here has been really inspirational as well. and thank you DarthVader. I'm glad I am being of help. I've met tons of people who have quit P at the recovery rooms I go to and I talk to some of them about it. just knowing others have rebooted successfully means there is hope for me! and everybody else too!

until next time
monknasty

 

[monknasty]

I stuck around on the computer too long and I felt this fear of writing poetry or doing something that would put me in touch with myself and my pain so after delaying doing some activity I went back to P. Despite all my failed attempts I have hope because I quit cigarettes and my quitting cigarettes was very tough and I would quit and then smoke 2 days later then quit then smoke 3 days later until finally I went on the nicorette gum and weaned myself off.. I may need to replace P with something although I'm not sure. Anyway I am going to read up on yourbrainonporn.com and with knowledge and desire and a plan I will beat this. My simple plan is to simply tell you guys when I want to look and also maybe I will chew gum when I want to look also. anyone have any good mantras that they use? I think I'm going to try "I can't WAIT to be sexually healthy"

 

[DarthVader]

I am thinking, 'do I want to feel tired or stoned' to get me through.

I'm struggling badly, but I don't want the brain fog, and I need my memory to get better for my productivity. I visualise my brain covered in goo (dopamine), and wires mangled all over the place (wiring gone mad). I am trying to see goo drain off my brain everyday, and a couple of the wires rewiring themselves.

Sounds pretty daft now I've just written that.

 

[iamnotauser]

I hear you man, noticing the triggers and finding a distraction immediately is key. We need a break-for-emergencies fallback plan. I'm thinking something quick and totally mind altering like a tonne of pressups followed by rapping the entire lyrics to a strange hippity hop 70's rap song or something. I mean, even the strongest PMO craving must be thrown through a loop by that.

 

[monknasty]

thanks DarthVader and iamnotauser for commenting, im proud that i have resisted for as long as I have today being day 2. I don't even know what it is like to not M and not look at P so this is kind of a cool experiment. Today was rough. I have no idea why. sometimes i feel like master of my domain (seinfeld wahaha) and other times I feel like a hopeless mess. today was a mix of both but mostly hopeless mess.

I am planning on taking it easy tonight and being a normal human and having a plan for tomorrow instead of what I normally do which is binge on ice cream and pass out. I am so embarrassed about my "performance" today at these meetings I go to. I care what people think and I can't even go one second without judging my situation and labeling everything. I am just wondering if this has something to do with my lack of "release" whatever its not that bad. I am going to make a plan for tomorrow. I am so scared to do this because making a plan means I will not have "freedom" or the ability to do whatever I damn well please. i also will have to confront fears because in my plan I will include things that are fear inducing (like sitting still and writing poetry oddly enough) and anyway I heard something awesome today I will share to close that a friend told me that a teacher told him: two rules to live by:

1. follow your heart and 2. give it your all

my heart thinks this no P thing is good because I am totally addicted and it is skewing my vision of women and life and love and fun and pleasure and contentment and I am a slave to this electronic machine which is not where I want to be most definitely.

as for giving it my all my heart is saying man oh man wouldn't that be a trip... to not have to worry about things anymore because I always know that I have done my very best.. holy FUCK pardon my french but how does one give their ALL.. I have never given my all. I run on like 30% and sometimes bump it up to 70 or 80 but to give something my all... anyway its progress. maybe some of you guys have experience with trying your best? just curious... maybe it isn't as scary as it sounds ...if you got this far thanks for reading. I hope you guys are enjoying your recovery. I think with the right attitude it is possible

 

[Healingshame]

Well in reality in order to be successful in anything you have to create a solid strategy. People overestimate motivation per se because it is not enough.
If I were you I would start with creating a journal for myself because you need to be able to create a better feedback for yourself. Basically in order to change you need to get to know yourself better first. It is hard to change anything if you don't know yourself really well.

That's why mindfulness become so popular lately because it teaches people to be observant about their inner world that we normally don't notice.

 

[monknasty]

thank you healingshame, this is my journal! did you mean a private journal? like a notebook? this is where I can see what I am doing right and doing wrong.. it isn't really working because I keep pmo'ing! or maybe it is working slowly and maybe im not posting enough or treating it with enough reverence.

part of me takes over ALL of me and convinces me to pmo. like last night. i am very antsy to attach to things. it is a challenge to look inward. i dont really know how. i want to say i am steadily learning but i feel like im partly spinning around in circles.. i am learning though. I made a breakthrough yesterday. I went like 2 nights without pmo'ing. i dont trust myself though. like i don't want to say now that I will never pmo again. i've said that before and i can't seem to honor that decision. i have no other choice though. I must consistently be willing to make this decision over and over again

this journal has been a big help I think because I am in the process of getting honest and knowing that people are reading this or at least some of it helps keep my mind caring ...I think I need you guy's help or something... like I need some kind of help. I don't know. thanks to everyone who has read and it means a lot. I keep falling off the horse but i keep getting back on so once again I am recommiting. I know my counter says 90 days but I'm going to try for 3 days... i really want to be PMO free by my bday and it would b cool if i could reach 90 days before then

thanks everyone sincerely for being a part of my recovery, even if you just read this and don't comment, you are helping me stay accountable and feel connected so thank you