I am a Stone

[WilltoPower]

Journal Entry 6

I screwed up. I honestly don't know what happened. I just lost control. I was telling myself stop, but my actions just weren't matching my thoughts, at least that's what it seemed like at the time. I went through a small binge the last two days. I honestly just wasn't using my filters properly. I knew I had my delay on my computer too low, but I justified it because I'm doing a lot of research right now. I increased the delay so that side shouldn't be a problem anymore. I also learned more features of SPIN after my relapse and increased the guard on it. Overall, I'm happy with the filters I put into place. I just lent myself more trust than I should have.

In the moment I was beginning to relapse, the only thing that I could think about was calling someone who could help me to think clearly. Its really frustrating knowing that I am missing that part of my recovery. I still need to wait a whole month before I can contact that therapist. I left an email to SA requesting info a few days ago and received an automatic email saying I should I either wait to receive an email back or call a number. After getting my head together just a few minutes ago, I called the number. No answer. Just instructions to leave a first name and phone number. I am supposed to get a call back within 3 days. It took a lot of nerves for me to call that number. I want nothing than to be left alone right now. It stings that I got a machine.

I'll be alright, I suppose. I received the books by Patrick Carnes today, and I'm putting things in place so I can't say that I am being defeated. I'm just feeling down right now is all.

0 consecutive days clean.

 

[LeanAndBop]

Hey don't worry. I can really relate to your experience. Feeling out of control. Be patient things will work out. I know it doesn't feel good to relapse but with practice I believe this happens less.
All the best

 

[Lero]

A relapse is a part of the process. In fact, some people only like this could evolve. We are not talking about flying a plane here, where a mistake might cost us our life. Here, we have the freedom to make mistakes. Only that we need to learn from them.

We must not let a relapse go to waste. We need to pay attention, see the mistake and avoid it. Slow but steady improvement over time. Maybe this is what we need. Take me, for example. I'm coming from about 20 relapses every month. It's crazy to start with the idea that I will not relapse once in a month. Last time when I've done this happened a few years ago. I didn't jump into a brutal trial, but took it slowly. I said: If I could reduce those 20 relapses to, let's say, half of that, this is progress. It's less PMO sessions, less watching sessions. I don't do the same damage to my brain.

Instead, if I start the journey with the idea of not relapsing at all in 90 days, a relapse will be brutal, make me beat myself up and say what a failure I am. It will make me see the progress lost for one relapse. It's not true. Reducing 20 relapses to 5 it's fucking amazing! How can you be a failure for this? Eventually, the brain will rewire for those 5 relapses only and you will not feel the need for 20. Then 5 will eventually go to 0. Don't worry, man.

 

[BlueHeronFan]

Sorry about the lapse! But keep it going: it's all part of the process, as long as you learn from it and don't make the exact same mistake again.

I really know your feeling of being in the middle of a lapse and telling yourself to stop and wanting to stop and just not stopping. At some point, our addicted brains just take over, and then we're really in trouble. For me, that means that I've spent time retracing my steps and figuring out where the relapse really started. It's never when I click onto a porn site, and it's always way before. Becoming more aware of my early triggers has helped me to deal with it when I still have control, and it has also made me way more aware of the little things throughout the day that I used to think were just harmless or even fun but that actually quietly start pushing me over the edge.

On to bigger and better things!

 

[WilltoPower]

Thank you everyone for your support! Sorry I haven't replied until now. I hope everyone else is doing well.

 

[WilltoPower]

Journal Entry 7

I've stayed clean since my last journal entry. That's 3 days.

I'm still very much tempted to use porn or other unhealthy habits. Its crazy how bad the itch can be.

My call to SA was returned and I now have a list of times and places in my area. I plan on attending the meeting on Wednesday.

I haven't been doing my reading like I promised myself I would. I need to get back on that.

Nothing else noteworthy. Hopefully, I continue to stay clean.

 

[Quitforeverthenwin]

Good job getting back on the horse! Also, great that you did call that number... it can be hard and is a great step to get right back to things quickly.