Journal of Zazen - go through the pain

[ImInControl]

Hey Lero,
Good job on day 4 - keep it up man! Yea.. the 'not peeking' and stopping one self before it takes over is important. It's not easy, but get better at it with time. Staying vigilant and observant of thoughts is key.. and also talking back to it when suggestions arise has been very helpful in my case. I am sure you will find you'r way as well!

Just here to do a follow-up and keep my journaling in check. Last couple of days have been somewhat 'easy'.. no cravings or anything. Started up gym again and slowly working my way up again.
Been having thoughts of thankfulness a lot recently.. "thankful for not been watching p for so long time"...  it's like my brain is starting to accept my new normal. That this is new normal, a life without P.
Kind of crazy to think about, when been so addicted to it 3months ago.. (and last 30 years) ..  .

and just thinking about that now, makes me sad.. 30 fucking years, destroyed every damn relationship because I compared them to P-stars.. and ruined my relationship to childs mother because I wanted her to be more sexy... trying to change her into a damn fictional p-character in my head..  fuck that shit.. never again. I've learned, and my healing is in progress... and from now on I will treat women better and stop judging and comparing them to paid actors on a tft monitor.

I feel grateful a lot.. I am so thankful i've reached to this point. I really look forward to the 20th, that will be my 90th day.  Setting small goals have been crucial getting here. Looking forward to a 7-day streak, and then a 10-day, 14-day etc.. Just putting small steps ahead and looking forward to the next goal. This is how I have managed getting here + getting a lot of help from all the replies here.

Take care all


Pmo-free .  July 11 .  Day 81

 

[Pete McVries]

Great job, mate!

I had the exact same aha moment a few weeks ago. I was waking up from sleep on the weekends and it dawned me that P is not a part of my life anymore and that I hadn't consumed in months. It's a slow and ongoing process and there is no finish line it seems like. But you get used to the path you're walking, so that's good.

Keep on going!

 

[MindOverModem]

I second that about not "peeking." It's like an alcoholic thinking one sip is okay. My addiction doesn't want to peak, my addiction wants to curl up with the laptop and waste the day!

Congratulations on your upcoming 90 days. The 20th is a special day for me too: 5 years sober from alcohol. I can honestly say quitting P is harder though. I'm inspired by your grit and dedication.

Keep up the good work!

 

[Lero]

I second that about not "peeking." It's like an alcoholic thinking one sip is okay. My addiction doesn't want to peak, my addiction wants to curl up with the laptop and waste the day!

Congratulations on your upcoming 90 days. The 20th is a special day for me too: 5 years sober from alcohol. I can honestly say quitting P is harder though. I'm inspired by your grit and dedication.

Keep up the good work!

Although it's not the end of the world. It's not like we can't live our lives around that. If we can't drink, we shouldn't drink. And peeking at P is definitely forbidden. I mean, alcohol is not harmful in small quantities but there is no such thing about P. P is like cyanide. Would you swallow "a little bit" everyday? Congratulations on 5 years without drinking. This is outstanding. And you can live your life without it. It doesn't make you a freak.

 

[ImInControl]

thanks everyone for replying. Hope you've all had some good weeks.

3 months!.. I am 106 days in, all hard mode. 
There have been a couple of times where I was in the shower and really horny.. masturbated just to edge a bit, and as soon as the pre-cum came I stopped it.
I stop it instantly when I feel too aroused,, because I project ahead, that I'll feel bad afterwards.. so I stop it all there and then. Also that I want to keep it in, so my ejaculation will be with a girl etc. it's been 3-4 times at max and I never came, So I will take that as continued hard-mode. Pattern of when I get really horny is mostly after I've matched with a special tinder girl and thought about what I'll do with them etc.  I get a ton of matches, but dont really follow up for dates etc,, but some of them, I can get really turned on by, the thought of when/if I'd meet them.. what i'll do etc...  that leads me to getting horny. 

no porn usage or anything like that, so really glad about that!.. Still occasionally get these micro-suggestions,, they come in a fraction of a second.. but I've gotten so good at catching/observing them that I do not follow up on the suggested action. Really happy about that as well! that itself is an amazing thing for changing old patterns. I've found the pattern to be mostly when tired/alone... so when the suggestions come I talk to myself "dude, you tired.. get off the pc, or you know where you'll end up doing.. fuck that"..
or "hey,, remember the past.. of all that shit youve watched.. did it get you any real life pu*ssy,, no.. then quit wasting time on it.. dont go there"....    self talk like that helps me not taking the next suggested step.

Had some aestethic surgery this week (rhinoplasty), so just taking it slow and steady chilling at home. it was something i'd wanted for many years and I am so thankful everything went well .. and that I finally went through with it. I look forward to have a big ass smile on my face without thinking about my nose. Not that I've ever had anyone tell me something, or issues getting women or nothing like that..  its just something I wanted to do. So with that, starts a new chapter =) 

oh yea forgot I was hitting on some hot girl I saw on the street before the surgery.. man, my testostoron is getting higher and higher, and my gym isn't even regular yet.. I can just imagine when I get fit again + hardmode for +3,4m + I dont have this psychological issue with my nose .. then Ill be going beast-mode haha...  will start hitting the gym in two weeks, and get fired back up.

so, I've done the surgery. Now next step is getting a job. combine that in with gym, hit on girls occasionally on the way to work or so (will eventually make a daily schedule) and all will be well. Just getting back on my feet and making my life steady and stable with confidence. Even considering adding in some hobbys at some point too.. but not martial arts this time,, something social and fun..  I've been mtb'ing on trails with my ebike lately with a friend and that is crazy fun... but will think of something where there are women as well. We will see in time.

I was really thinking of taking a trip to moscow in a month or so. Always wanted to go, and have women lined up wanting to meet up.. getting their whatsapp via tinder etc.  I am not sure if that is what I want,, (the women part) but it could be fun just going to see the city and get back home. Will see how everything goes with job etc. Dont feel good about keep postponing job search etc.


anyways, all is well and continuing the ongoing battle. The battle seems less violent, its fading a bit down and staying in the background - but I ain't lowering my shield. Always vigilant!


goal : going for 120 days. That is 4 months :O... I'll be home these next two weeks recovering etc. so that will be an interesting time. But I got this!!


Pmo-free  .      August 05  .      Day 106

 

[Lero]

Outstanding fucking progress, man! An inspiration for all of us.

 

[ImInControl]

+120 days.. I did it ..

also started gym on a daily basis again and happy about that.
I think it is still hard with all that stimulation from basically everywhere.. cant open a news-site without something a woman is portrayed in a sexual context.
some days ago it lead me into looking up an actress, which led to being stimulated and curios about her..  and I ended up "just quickly checking" about her. googling a bit etc.

after 5min of googling I realised I got caught in the grip and ended up in a pron site to check if she had any videos... then it hit me  "holy shit wth am I here for?!" and got out of it. No harm done.. but I got aroused during those minuttes I have to admit.  But again,, no harm done because days after, I got the suggestive thoughts which kept saying 'hey go there again',, 'arouse yourself just a bit, you are allowed'.. etc...    but I quickly called it out for what is was : CHASER EFFECT!... when I said those words, it it's like that voice, that suggestion got found out.. and it quickly vanished. Not sure how to explain it.  anyways.. I did not follow any of the following chaser effects because I quickly observe the feeling and called it out. It lost it's power each and every time by doing that.

Now.. the fact is, I did act on my impulses.. I remember been doing that once or twice during these months.. basically same loop - I see something usually after 1 month / boredom etc (you know the drill)..  and just have to check a bit.. I watch a bit, get aroused,, end up somewhere where I quickly realize to gtfo and I stop everything and eject asap.

I am aware of this pattern. I realize there is still inner work to be done. I have to stay vigilant always.... there is no need to reset counter or anything,, I didn't do nothing, just got caught in the rabbit hole and got abit aroused, realized it and ejected. no biggy... but, yea,, kinda half-biggy (lol).. like, that wasn't suppose to happen. It seems like I get into this small routine once a month or so,, it's like my body wants to remind me / take me back to what I use to do. But my inner conciuos wakes up quickly and doesn't let it.    Something is working right in there that is a good thing.
Will see if I can do something else when I get aroused.. I'm sure similar pattern will arise next month or so again.

With that said, I am still on the path. been a bit ups and downs, haven't been perfect.  meaning, I really want to ditch those impulsive 5min of getting caught by lust once a month.  (will get there)

Then there is tinder.. get a lot of matches, but I think my texting structure isn't up-to-date haha.. No need to blame it on the women for being bombarded constantly with new stimuly etc. I'd rather take it on me, and improve my texting style so I can get something out of it. So will look into tinder optimizing =).

besides that my plan is to follow up on day 150 which will be 5 months,, ouch..  that kinda hurt realizing that just now.  5 months gone by so quickly.. shit...
... fuck it. gonna be real about it.  5 months is ,, no it is much more than that.. I havent had any interactions with women. im sad about this.  My thing was not to be lonely,, and here I am, fucking lonely as fuck. My entire problem is this. tacklening loneliness. wth ..  I need to get out, I need to get a hobby... something needs to happen in my life..

sorry for the rant and just spilling out my thoughts as I write here. Gonna stop here and get some sleep. hopefully ill make plans from tomorrow how to better my situation.
I think most of the things im going through is because of social anxiety I have deep inside, which i've had since 15 or so..  I am turning 39 in 3 months. :I .  This is what I need to work on.

anyways.. taking a day a time. gym first and eat healthy are priorities right now.  all will be well.   

> and thank you Lero for the kind words. Im not feeling that inspirational right now,, but thank you for putting a smile on my face,, and making me realize that 123 days is actually pretty fucking awesome


a thing about counting and goals : I fully realize there is no "end".. there is no "My big goal is 2020" etc..  nop. I am basically tricking myself with these micro-goals and increasing the numbers and looking forward to hit that next number.. but the numbers are just symbolic, and the counting doesn't really matter..  as there is no finish line. there will never be.
There is just this.. doing the best we can today. and just follow that approach each day.  If there was a finish line, that would most likely be the day I'd mess it all up...  Not sure what they call that, but im sure there is a psychological term for it.  I pray to stay on this path and share my journey with all of you.


Pmo-free  .      August 21  .      Day 123
next up : 150 days! ... I can fucking do it"!! 5 months baby lets goo!

 

[The Unhappy Fapper]

dude congrats on the milestone!! Am very jealous

 

[Lero]

Goddamn, man! You're killing it! 4 months is amazing! This is an example of determination.

 

[Pete McVries]

Hey zazen,

I was wondering how you were doing as you stopped posting frequently as of late. But I'm delighted to hear that you are still clean. I think, your conclusion about the "google the actress" incident is totally right. Things like that are very likely to happen. Sometimes we act on these triggers and sometimes we are exposed to triggers whether we like it or not. It's important what we choose to do if we find ourselves in such a situation and you did the right thing. You snapped out of it and you didn't go back days later. Well done!

About the social anxiety: Are you anxious around your friends/family/people you know as well? For me, it's only around people I don't know really well. So, the initial hurdle might be high but once you managed to overcome it, it probably gets easer from there. Like attending a regular activity with a steady group of people. Of course, it's always difficult to be "the new one". But if you continue to go there (whatever it will be), you will find your place, you will find people you like, perhaps you will even become friends with them. You stay at a house of a friend, if I recall correctly? How bad of a guy can you be, if someone trusts you so much, that he let's you live at their place?!

Regarding the tinder: I never used tinder or any other dating apps so take the following advice with a grain of salt . What if you try to set up meetings with your matches as quickly as possible. Preferably in public, so they don't feel threatened or in danger by your suggestion in without appearing needy. You could do it seemingly casual like "Tomorrow, I have to do some chorse in that area but I have time at 4 and there is a really nice coffee house in street XYZ, so if you have time, let me know!". This way you could easily filter the girls who really want to meet or the ones who just want some validation from you. The ball is also in her court now and she has to act. Even if she refuses your proposal at first, maybe she comes back and wants to meet up at a later time. I'm telling you this because a female friend of mine found her bf that way with the only difference that she was the one proposing the meet up. She did it because she told me in her own words that she was tired of all the exhausting writing with guys. Again, neither am I a pickup artist nor do I have any experience with dating apps. And don't forget (online) dating is a number's game, so don'tget discouraged

Take care!

 

[ImInControl]

150 boom!.. did it!!... so, lots of things is happening lately.
I'll start it off by I met a really nice girl..  she, (calling her M) opened up a tinder account and we matched.. and it wasnt her thing after 3-4 days so she deleted it.. but got her # right before.

M is a scandinavian woman mixed with my ethnicity (middle eastern), actually same country as myself.. so we speak the same language. .. so I invited her out and went to her home city. We went to a restaurant and conversation was smooth, she was nice and we both had a mutual interest in each other. We went to a bar afterwards but just with non-alcoholic drinks.. chatted and said bye after that first date. all good.  We had a really fun time, and she was super sweet.. and fun mixing up english, scandinavian and our common language.  She is 5 years younger than me and has two kids... but she looked amazing and no one would have guessed she have had children.

so.. after the first date she wrote "I hope you will see me again".. , and that's where I truly felt .. wanted.  I really missed that, especially from a kind and heart warming person with genuine interest in me. I could tell from the beginning she was a feminine, warm and loving person and that is exactly what I wished for.  So our first date was sunday last week... and after we went apart, she wrote she wanted to come to my town and visit me.. I was kind of surprised about that, but yea,,, was totally up for it.

She came yesterday and I picked her up.. we had a walk in the city and went to a restaurant and had some pasta. Overall we just hit it off again and there was a common attraction. After we ate I took her closer to where I live, and showed her around.
We went to a cafe and got some drinks and went to my place afterwards.

Now here is the thing....  After some kissing and touching, she was like 'lets go to the bed'... now, this is our 2nd date.  And I already told myself that I would'nt want sex with her on the 2nd date... because last time I did that,  that "relationship" got toxic, I became uniterested in her etc. etc.... so I promised myself "No sex with her on 2nd date"....  ok.    we kissed etc and she asked to sleep there. I wanted her to be with me so of coarse I said yes. Then things just became more challening as she was way more attractive than I'd ever imagined.  Things became hot, but I kept pushing her away when I was too aroused... after an hour of playing like that, I had to tell her so she didnt think I was gay haha...

So told her my situation, that I liked her.. her personality and I believed things could be better for the long run - if we didnt do anything this night. ..  and I told her I havent done anything with myself for 6months,, nothing from down there has come out ..
she was very impressed with my level of self-control and kept teasing me and telling me "are u gonna give up"... but I kept in there despite the hardship. Not sure why I told her I havent touched myself for 6months,, but I never mentioned porn or anything... just said it was something I had chosen, because I wanted to save it for sex with a special woman.. and I didnt want to fuck it up with her by doing the 'easy thing'...  All the girls I've slept with that quickly never turned out to be any good thing in my life.

long story short, we had an amazing night with affection, kissing each other and just holding each other through the night. maan i really missed that kind of lovin from ,,, not just a beautiful woman but just overall warm hearted and loving woman.
so yesterday was just amazing for me. I woke up early, went out and got us some breakfast.. and took her home afterwards.  We've been messaging today with how much we miss each other.

This is just what I really wanted. to be missed, needed and wanted from a person that has true intentions. She told me she was scared, as she liked me a lot.. but thing is I like her just as much and told her that.
I've been hurt too by other silly girls, but I am open to give love another chance.  and with a woman like her, loyal, beautiful, sweet, kind, funny and everything .. and serious in wanting to be with me.. and a person I feel I can trust.  yea I like that =) ... 
no games are being played, not from her side, nor mine..  cant even remember when i've had a relationship with genuine intentions.  makes me sad now, but bygones are bygones..  I guess am growing up more and more serious about a genuine loving relationship in my life.  .. so im really glad I've met her.  Going to meet her again in two weeks, as she had planned going to a week trip with her friends,, and then there are kids / work etc - but REALLY looking forward to see her... 

and the better thing about it, is I am getting more motivated to improve my living situation.. so starting to get help for looking for jobs etc. gotten a special mentor that helps with jobs. Might be looking into some leadership coarse, so I can manage people.
Not 100% on this yet, but gradual steps are going in the right direction here.

I want to mention that I have watched P two times. But no touching or anything,, just teasing for 5-10min and then close it down before things get too much. I did watch it before my first date with M - havent watched it since. 
This is my pattern for some time,, I think 20-30min max per month watching without doing anything. I am fully aware of this and I consider this a HUGE improvement compared to PMO'ing on a daily basis with huge negative affect on my life.
So not considering this a break of my stride at all - I'd have to ejaculate fully for that to consider a break of stride. 

-- BUT I should do something about this. Like, have more self control not even looking at all... but thing is my rationlization is I am a very passionate person with incredible sexual drive. "so it's ok just watch for 10min"... I know its wrong, as the 10min could become 20min and so on. I definetly dont want to go there at all.  I hope someone could chime in what to do here... my pattern is I watch it once or twice a month because I suddenly get horny / and just want to tease myself for abit.  I close it down instantly if I feel im just the slightest close to ejaculation or things take too much overhand (like spending +15min there)...  Then I start thinking "wtf am I doing here ffs!.."... then I close it down.  I wish I had some tactics to reduce / overcome this, as I feel like I've improved so much already... so why not just eradicate P completely from my life. like 100%...  I feel its possible.  maybe it will get easier when M is coming more into my life.



Pete, thank you for your reply the 21aug. sorry I didnt reply, but I deeply thought about everything you wrote. thank you for that. 
My anxiousness is only around new people and mostly in new crowds , or when I have to present something to several people. but one on one I have zero issues at all.  So im not sure if I really have social anxiety or if its just nerves of 'the new one'...  All I know is I speak less as other people in the crowd (a bit introverted) and my adhd thought jitters with thoughts like "why arent you speaking with the people" and I feel 'less' if I dont say much. Stuff like that....   
But I think a major shift is about to come soon in this aspect. I am projecting another "me" .. a person I see before me with much more confidence and much more to give.
I think 2020 will be my year of improvement on the social aspect. If I could fix this..    why am i starting to cry now://..  ...      yea.. if I could fix this.. could change my life completely. 

So my goal for 2020 is be to become more social, outgoing and happy.


Alright, I think im gonna keep it at that for now. 



Pmo-free  .      September 20  .      Day 153



next up 6 months!..  : 180 days!.. lets go!"


oh btw : I cant WAIT to have sex with M shiat!!  its gonna be the booooooooooooombbbb

 

[ImInControl]

had some troubling times today...  after meeting M we've been writing more often how much we miss each other and feel a mutual love and connection. 
.... Thing is,, I was still swiping on tinder,, and all the sudden I was matching with model girls,, which appearance really triggers me. I kept swiping etc..

but today,, man.... I was feeling sick in my stomache. Like I was doing something wrong. My body was telling me to get rid of tinder..  There was a reason M came into my life,, for me to become serious, have a healthy relationship with 1 woman.. 
and not keep swiping, searching and wishing for a better one.  M is amazing, and I was feeling guilty of having some sort of addiction, some pull, to swiping on tinder. ... all the sudden I started crying, scared of my emotions to M, scared of commitment ,, scared of being loved. ... I know M is capable of loving me. That is scary... but this is what I truly wanted.  One woman which desires me and just me, for who I am now. I felt that with M.

So... after a warm shower and some crying over I felt addiction to tinder-women + losing the 'old me'.. that part that always was a player,, a seeker,, that guy that always wanted a better looking hottie to smash... losing that identity. But I wanted that. I wanted real love in my life. This is what all of this journey has been for me...  and now the opportunity knocked on my door with M,, and I decided - .. I chose to do the right thing. Unmatched all the girls i've been writing/flirting back and forth with,, and wrote just one girl I could see was special and explained her:

"hey ... wanted to let you know before I delete this... you look very (/compliments on ). I wanted to reply you as I can tell you seem like a good person. Been seeing a person lately and starting to like her, so decided to not play on several girls and put my focus on her. So I wish you the very best in finding a man that is kind and loyal to you. All the Best."..
She was really nice and responded "thank you for your honesty. I wish you the best of luck in love.. "...   

I didnt have to explain anything to her..  we just matched and the only thing she wrote was "thank you for the match) " ... and I responded like that. maybe a bit overdo haha,, but I felt like I had to explain just somebody.,, and not just delete tinder. I needed some approval or some acknowledgement or something from a attractive and cute woman.  Really glad she responded the way she did and not just shit like "ohhkeyy".  Well dont know why I had to tell her. I just did.. and after writing her.. I deleted tinder.
...deleted all other dating websites. 

I have no other women I am putting my focus on other than M..  Is it a risk, yes.... well I mean I could always open those things up again - but as things are now,, I really like M,, and I think she likes me even more,, so I have a good feeling with her. That I can trust her heart.  So for once, I am not going to look for something better while having one in my hand.  Decided to show my love to her and open up to her.. and hopefully I will receive love from her as well.. 

So, had to get tinder and stuff out.. as soon as I deleted all those things, I felt a stone drop from my chest,,.. my conscious cleared and didn't feel bad rest of the day. I feel happy and excited to start a relationship.  cant even think im writing this.. I've been single for like 10 years,, but in all of these years it's just been girls for fun.. sex and lust here and there.  This time it feels different. 
No one knows where this will lead, if we even like each other in 3-4 months time. But I'm willing to give it a shot and open my heart to M.


So all in all, I am now feeling I'm starting to receive what I was wishing for,, when started this journey.    True love.   
ok heh, I know it's only 2nd date etc.. but Im really good at detecting bs, intention and integrity with people - and I feel a deep connection with M in a very short time. So yea.. I do feel loved with her.  Lets see where it goes.
I might get scared, I might push her away.. I might lose interest and start chase for another model-like girl.. etc etc... I do not hope I go down that path. Im so tired of fake women (... I really like this one. She is all I want and wouldn't want to change anything about her. I like her just as she is.


just had to get this off my chest. It was a huge step for me to delete all of that attention from girls online. But I did it.  Time for a change.  I hope she wont break my heart. I am scared of that.



Pmo-free  .      September 22  .      Day 155

 

[ImInControl]

Been thinking deeply about this... from today and onwards to day 180. I decide not to watch a second of pron or anything that might trigger me.  I believe I am able to do this.
Want to break that reactive and impulsive compulsion I get 1-2 times per month, where I rationalize it with "will watch for 10min max just to get aroused"....... its enough.. tired of it. 

If I can go hard-mode (meaning no ejaculating) for 155 days I sure as #"? can break that stupid addiction of lemme just watching a liiil bit.
I really want to continue my healing and step it up a notch.. I desire to establish a healthy relationship with M. She motivates me to take this even more seriously and quit playing around with this shit.


so here is my next goal. : not watch any form of pron / or anything that can trigger me / arouse me from this very day until day 180.
I will follow up on this goal on day 180. It will be on the 17th of October. I've made a calender schedule to remind me of this.


disaster plan : What will I do IF i get aroused and feel the need to watch something to get aroused on (stimulate myself).
solution : ... tbh i dont know if there is any solution here,, but I will try with this for now; pray.  Just try to pray .. I am not religious, but if this or any higher power can distract me from my urges - then so be it.  im desperate. ill do anything from now on. no more playing around

I am tired of being lured by the grip of fake stimulation,, even if it is so little.. still, its like it lures me in once a while and I hate that. I've made such a big improvement compared to all my past failed reboot attempts.. I am sticking to it this time - but these small incidents of 'just a lil bit of peeking' annoys the "#? out of me. I want it out of my life completely .. stop coming back ffs. I know im stronger than this.    Hell,, If I could say no to having intercourse with M that night,, that is beast-mode self-control.... so surely I would have the self-control to stop peeking for good. Crossing fingers.


Pmo-free  .      September 22  .      Day 155
goal until day 180 > not one second of fake stimulation - nothing.

 

[ImInControl]

Read this from Pete Mcvries on another post :

I have two suggestions: Since you are dealing with a lot of adversity, maybe it would be helpful for you to add to your form of journaling a short passage where you either note something positive that happened to you that day or something that you did good that day. Or both . You are focussing on a lot of negative things like urges, negative emotions, negative cognitive effects and pain. While I think, these things are noteworthy, perhaps it would be helpful to shift your focus to more positive things. And even though there seema to be a lot of darkness in your life, I'm sure there are some rays of light.

Which I found was just an excellent advice given from Pete. Focusing on the positive more. I think, i would like to do that more as well. Have the feeling there is little structure to my journaling (not that there should be any) but if just I could have some fixed things that reminded me something positive to say that would be really good. So for me, i would like to share what I am thankful for. I believe gratitude can get a person very far and i would like to implement that more into my life.

so decided to add this to my journaling .:  "Today I am thankful for:"   then a short sentance about that.
Will start with that. nothing fancy.. just a reminder to write something positive and what im thankful for. 




Pmo-free  .      September 22  .      Day 155

Today I'm thankful for : I am thankful for this community, to read others story and what everyone go through, all the struggles and how people cope and find a way ... thankful for all the people that contribute as I learn so much on so many levels. Thankful for every person reading and helping me, helping others here and being helpful in their own way. so.. I really appreciate being here.  and a thank you to Pete Mcvries for being there from beginning, for your inspiration, kindness and helpful comments.

 

[Lero]

That's a good idea, man. You're doing great. Almost 5 months without P this is wow!

 

[Pete McVries]

Ah, man, reading your last entries made happy! So much great progress on all fronts. And thanks for all your kind words! I'm happy, I could contribute to your journey. Your support is/was also greatly appreciated

I'm gonna comment on a few things, but I want you to remember that you are the expert for your situation, so I might be wrong about some stuff.

First off, I think it's great that you and M. have such a great chemistry from the get-go. You seem to want to have a serious relationship with her rather than a short fling. I think, both of us are similar in the sense that we contemplate a lot about the things in our life. Like you mentioned in group contexts that you have thoughts like "I should say something because I haven't spoken in 5 minutes" or so. With my partner, I had these thoughts a lot in the beginning and it stressed me a bit. Like, are we a couple now, are we 'just' dating, what are we, what do I tell other people? Instead of just enjoying each other. To this day (after a solid 6 months of dating), we still haven't talked about our relationship status but it's as enjoyable as ever. I pondered so many hours about my feelings, "do I love her?", "do I 'just' like her and am attracted to her?", "is this already love?", and stuff like that... Maybe these thoughts were necessary but they weren't helpful. It became really pleasent for me once I just accepted that I'm dating her and that I don't need to justify myself in front of anybody. In my mind, I fear that she and other people would expect certain things from me once we are officially together and that stresses me. For some reason, I can move more freely (so to speak) and express myself better when I don't feel external pressure on my shoulders. Of course, if she wanted to talk with me about it, I would have to take up position but action speaks louder than words. I'm treating my partner really well and I think, she feels like we are together, so why would I need to speak the words "we are a couple" when I'm already walking the talk? In my country we have a saying that goes something like "A man is measured by his actions rather than his words!" Now, I'm talking a lot about myself but what I was trying to say initially is just try to enjoy the time with her without making her your wife already in your mind or degrade her to 'just' a lover. I think, if you enjoy the time with her and make it as enjoyable for her without being a pleaser, you both will have a great time and then you will eventually see where your path leads and you will also know, if she is the woman of your dreams or just a temporary companion. You went on two dates so far, how would you know if you two match for a long term relationship (in real life not on tinder ;D).

Regarding the P: I think it will be critical for you in the long-run to eliminate the behaviour of watching p for a few minutes. You are keeping a small loophole for the addiction to creep back in. Right now, you are aware of the door and manage to fend it off but imagine what could happen, if something bad happens in your life, a personal crisis or something that demands your whole attention? It's a dangerous game and it also keeps the addiction alive. You are absolutely right: You made great strides, you unlocked 99% of all achievements of the game and that deserves some hearty pats on the back but don't forget, that 1% is missing and why not accomplish the last missing 1% in order to finish and complete the game? And then you can put it back in the box, you are done with it, you have seen and done it all, it's a thing of the past. You won't forget it and therefore you won't have to go back anytime soon. You haven't masturbated for 155 days, that alone is a massive accomplishment. You said it best, why wouldn't you be able to meet challenges of the last remaining task? You have one piece of the puzzle left... You just have to put in place and enjoy the picture.

The fact that you started crying while typing your entry made me smile. Look, man, your emotions that's only positive. You are living, you have feelings and it touches you because it means so much to you! How great is that? I don't know how it was for you before rebooting, but my emotions came back with full force and it felt like rebirth. Last week, one of my best friends told me that he landed his dream job. He was working to get it for almost two years and I've seen him putting in the work and that made me incredibly happy that I had to shed a tear as well while he excitingly reported it all to me... Whatever your goals are, small but consistent steps. You work out, you know how progress works. You can't bench press 250lbs on your first day of the gym. But you will get there with persistence and hard work.

I also want to congratulate you on deleting tinder. I had a conversation with my therapist about tinder/dating apps once. Perhaps, it's helpful to visualise what is happening there. Imagine getting to know a very interesting, nice, and sexy woman (M.) in a bar. You spend a great few hours together. After that you got to the next bar and talk to more women. Rinse and repeat. Of course, you will get to know more interesting women and you start to compare them and one has flaws where the other excels and vice versa but woman X has the best character but she is not the best looking and so on and so forth. It is not healthy. I'm not too experienced with dating but if I apply humanly sanity and reason, I'd advise you to focus on M. for as long as you feel like you like her and she does you good. You don't have to put all your eggs in her basket (that wouldn't be advisable either this early) but give her a chance and see where it takes you. Of course, guys are not happy in their relationships if they watch porn everyday. Of course, you won't be happy with M. in the long term when you compare her to possible new mates on tinder. Same mechanic. Endless novelty and where this leads, you know by now ;D Rather the sparrow in the hand than the dove on the roof. Meaning, focus on good things that can be achieved and won instead of chasing after pipe dreams. You've read "No more Mr. Nice Guy" didn't you? Somewhere in the book the author mentions that we live in a world of abundance and it's true. If M. turns out not to be Mrs. Right or something in that ballpark, there are plenty of single women left to be dated. They don't run anywhere. Same with work and other areas of your life. As long as you are able-bodied and able-minded to a certain degree, you have the power to change your situation to the better. Your reboot proves my case, doesn't it

You are doing great and I wish you all the best. In any event, keep the ball rolling! I'm really happy about the new developments in your life 

 

[ImInControl]

starting this post with tears in my eyes... why?,, because I went back and read my old post. that I set a goal of not watching a single second of any stimulation until day 180... that is in 3 days... and I haven't watched a single second of ANY stimulation. Nothing at all. It makes me believe in myself.. that I can actually do it and overcome .. this.  Makes me stop right now, and just process it while tears are running down. shit.. a lot to take in.  deep breath in and lets move on.

love
M. So, as I mentioned I met that girl.. and we have been meeting up more and more.. Our connection is absolutely amazing together, nothing like i've ever met before. Maybe it's because she is from my original country as well.. but there is something really deep between us. We can laugh about anything and everything when we are together, we have amazing sex and she is all that I really want in a woman. So she makes me happy right now, and I know she is very happy for me as well. I feel loved. I am so thankful for experiencing this. This is what I wished for.  I always had a inner belief that I wasn't 'enough' to receive love.. maybe because of some childhood stuff. Well,....... fuck that.. I've given myself permission to give my love and receive love. Is it being vulnerable, hell yea.. but there is no one else I'd like to be vulnereable than with M. So love is going on the right track and I am so happy.. so happy about that. I treat her well and there is nothing more i'd like than to care for her.. and she recieves all my love with affection and thankfulness.. I can truly feel that she is really happy as well. We are still early in the process, and everything could happen - but for now, we are just enjoying each other and taking it slowly (even if everything seems like its going fast due to deep love connection).. we'll see where it goes =)

career
I am in the process of sticking my head out.. created linkedin again and taking online coarses and about to send job applications from next week. Seeing a former CEO and now a business coach, which is helping me incredibly much.. I am so grateful for have met him. I dont feel that much isolated any longer,, I am taking actionable steps towards getting job interviews, as this is what I want. I want to get back to a stable workplace with good people around me. It is coming to me,, I feel it.

pmo
as I mentioned. Not one single second of nothing.. not even being caught in the loop of seeing a hot woman and spending time watching her / others etc... no ,, if I saw a woman, I thought  'she is beautiful'.. but I didn't go after it. I chose not to spend my time on it. My afterthought was 'why should I be clicking onto this?.. will it serve me a purpose?.. will it make me have a connection with her?... do I want a connection with her?.. Do I want to actually do anything that would sabotage my relationship with M'?  .... In a splitsecond I answered all of those questions with a clear 'NO' and that made me not spend a single second of that. I have reached my goal. It is becoming clear to me, that becoming pmo-free / artificual stimulation-free  IS POSSIBLE.  I know I know, not taking this as 'im cured' or anything hehee... I am well aware the powers of the pixels, so I will forever stay vigilant. It's more likely that staying away from all of this is easier when life seems on a blue cloud. But what about when things are bad, then what - then, I will have tactics and procedures to follow.. I have a if-this-then plan. I feel confident in myself that I can do it.  And the crazy part is I actually had 5 months of hard-mode... and I did it because I told myself "I want to save it, until I have sex with a great girl" and that is exactly what I did...  She was very understanding because my initial times of intercoarse was quite,,ehmm,, shortly lived=) but after some times, we are just getting better at it.. and it is because I am being very communicative with her.. "what is it you like,, how do you feel when I do this.. do you like it when I do xyz".. this i feel is really important to establish a healthy and deep sexual relationship.  So I feel my sexual drive is becoming much more healthy, natural..  I am actually enjoying, desiring and hungry for her,, a real life woman in her 30s that had kids already - she is truly amazing and wouldnt want to switch her out with any of the "dolls" I use to fantasize about.

Thank you once again Pete for your insightful choice of words. It seems we are alike in many ways, I definetly think contemplate about the things in our lifes. I read your reply once a while and think through it.. it puts things into perspective. Today I especially focused on what you wrote here ;
"action speaks louder than words. I'm treating my partner really well and I think, she feels like we are together, so why would I need to speak the words "we are a couple" when I'm already walking the talk? "  ... This is exactly how I feel it as well, so I'll continue to let my actions speak and enjoy our time together.

and thank you thank you for reminding me about the P. you have no idea how much it helped, really ... I actually took the definite decision that very day I read your post .. to not watch a single second. I always wanted to do it, but your words sealed it and fired me up to take action. thank you!

Thank you for telling me its ok to have feeling. It hits hard.. I am a very masculine man on the outside but a lot of emotions are inside. So I feel truly grateful to have this platform to share all my thoughts and feelings,, and getting feedback on it is just amazing. You have a way with words that are really encouraging and are mind-shifting. Thank you for taking the time to reply, as I am learning a lot.  I have definetly done what you mentioned  "focus on good things that can be achieved and won instead of chasing after pipe dreams. " ,.... put my time on M, deleted all other women and pipe-dream stuff.. and honed in on making a better and stable structure in my life. Small steps towards the goal.

keeping the ball rollin!.. thanks



Goal

oh shit.. its 180 days already?.. holy crap that is 6 months!... imagine if I could go 7 months, 8... 9 .. 12?!..  can feel something squeeze around my heart while writing this and my stomache turn upside down. Not sure why...  maybe because I'm scared of letting go of something that was soo deeply ingrained in me. But I am here now aren't I?.. I've gone 6 month already goddammit.. so what the hell should stop me from going 1 year?!!..  so fuck it - i'm going to make a bold plan BUT with small steps towards my plan .......    funny how I didnt use the word goal now,,    there is no end-goal in this..... I should be using the word 'PLAN' from now on and not goal ..  ... so lets go! :

PLAN :
1. I chose to be completely pmo-free.. not watch a single second of anything from this very date > 17 November.  = 7 months in.
2. I chose to let go of hard-mode and if I feel like masturbation, that is ok (but only in the shower and with no stimulation at all.. and only with M in mind).
3. I will focus in on M and make a long-lasting relationship between us (cant remember when I even had that before.)  no more sex-flings for me.

The overall plan is to continue this process of not watching anything at all - I believe I can become totally free of stimulation going into year 2020.


grateful :

I am so grateful and happy that I am becoming more and more observant of my impulsive thoughts and the way I feel my body,, when it gets aroused, when it just becomes super radiant and want to pursue that something.. I am thankful that I can talk with kindness and compassion to myself and guide myself into a path, that is more beneficiary to me in the long run. I hope and keep the faith that I'll be able to continue this. Today I will pray and ask for strength to continue this path.

Pmo-free  .      October 14  .      Day 177

 

[ImInControl]

keepin the streak going.. not seeing M before sunday, as she had planned going a weekend holiday with a girl friend of hers.
... thing is, today has been quite active with suggestions after getting home and all tired.

The suggestions are like a whispering voice,, not quite there - but there..like a shadow telling you kindly to do something which is forbidden...  I guess the reader knows what im talking about here.

I came here to write instead of taking action of something id regret. i promised myself not to take action on anything at all.....

The suggestions came after seeing a news-website,, and a p-star was mentioned.. I clicked the news, and then I started hearing the voices "hey..go on.. you can just search for her name" I could feel my body getting aroused - but I shut it down.  Then after half an hour or so, it started again "psst.. search for the titlex*" ....  and my body starting getting aroused again, just by the thought/whisper - of me searching for some x-rated stuff. other suggestions came up... "hey, its just to watch it for a bit... you could learn so much,  new sexual positions which you can do with M"....  as if i've never watched P in my life before or had sex *eyeroll right now heh^*

Nahh..  I didn't go there...... I hurried up in here, and to write an update, and im going to bed in 5min from now. Not having any of that stuff, just because my body feels tired. I am not going to sabotage any of my process or introduce any fakery stuff, which eventually will destroy the natural sexual thing i've built up with M. Not having any of that.

but I do feel a strong need for sexual stimulation, or.. just having sex with M. I am just going to stick it out till sunday.
Our sexual is really good.. we both love it, and it couldnt be better. So I reaaally look forward to seeing her again.

- thankful -
I am thankful for not taking action despite feeling the arousal, feeling how much the suggestions wishes me to chase that 'forbidden fruit'. I am thankful I rerouted here, as an auto-pilot when alarms are going off, where I can spill my inner thoughts, instead of doing something id regret later. I am thankful for you, taking the time to read this post. I wish you the best in your journey.


over and out.. hittin the bed
all the best


Pmo-free  .      October 23  .      Day 187
come here 17th november - I got you.. i will be 7month pmo-free!! nothing can stop me

 

[Pete McVries]

That is an excerice we will have to practice over and over again. You know how it goes, the sooner you stop, the sooner you don't act on these thoughts (better yet dont even start in the first place) the easier it will be to snap out. Personally speaking, these urges have almost become nonexistant for me but they still occur from time to time. Looking up Pornstar XYZ is the most common thought. My brain tells me to do it, I ponder about it 2-3 seconds and the come to the conclusion that it wouldn't be the best of ideas and then carry on with my day. The more you successfully practice this excercise, the better you get at it. No difference to bench press or chin ups .

Good job and carry on!

 

[ImInControl]

month 7.

things are going well with me and M, and our connection is getting stronger.. we are almost 3 months in our relationship, and everything is loving and well.
We are planning to take a trip together soon.

still have the occasional peek-moments.. then I break out of it. But its the same pattern. I feel lust (mostly after been together with M and had sex).. and since we live apart and I can just go to her place and have sex with her,,, then I feel lustful being alone.. what to do about it.. peek a bit, just to get aroused.. until my senses kick in and I realise it will sabotage everything.. Thankfully I have not been to any point of masturbating, so i'll continue the streak - but these occasional peeks still annoy me. I am 7 months in, and this month i've peeked like 3-4 times and that is a no-go for me. I dont feel proud of that. Sure I cant take away that I haven't MO to anything of that sort for 7 months, but still.. I would like to take it a step further.

another thing I can see is the occasional peek at instagram. I tend to click on beautiful women and wish for a more beautiful girl. This thought can sabotage my relationship to M for sure!.. That desire to have a 'prettier one'..  Like I need to showcase how pretty of a woman I have,, instead of sticking to all of the original qualities of M which I fell for.. she is amazing as a person, so loving and kind and very beautiful as well. and we have a great time together.. I have never laughed with a girl like that.. she is so funny.  So what is this stupid desire of wanting that instagram model-like barbie thing.... I feel sad that I have felt the need to look at these things, just because me and M only see each other once a week. I know I have a lot of passion and sexual drive, and M is all up for it - but we just dont have enough of it.. and then im left there alone.

I dont know.... Im sticking in there. I might delete my instagram. no actually, I am doing it right now.. fuck it.
...its done. I deleted instagram permanently. "M" is more valuable to me than planting a single seed of a 'prettier one out there' .. pipe dreams as Pete says.

Now I just need to find a solution to the occasional urges. Its not often they come,, and I close it rather quickly - but the habit is kinda still there.
I do keep busy with a lot of gym on a daily and I've started sending out job-applications - hopefully im landing a nice job soon as well.

so yea.. things are slowly progressing.. I could be more proud, but I am not taking away anything. I have attracted love in my life and she genuinely cares for me so I'm happy about that. Next up is landing a nice job - and see what I can do when the urges come.

I will pray after this post, that I can become even stronger and take the next step. I need this for me, and the relationship with M. I dont want to be lonely in my life. I need love and affection from a caring and loving woman, and M is all that - and I dont want to fuck it up.



Pmo-free  .      Nov 23  .      Day 217 (7 months in yahh)