Dear all,
I just wanted to start a journal and have a place to put down some of my frustrations/anxieties.
A little bit about myself:
- I'm 29, from the Netherlands and epileptic (though I have been seizure-free for almost 13 years now), for which I have spent 5 months in hospital (when I was 17).
- I figured out last year that I suffer from a porn addiction when it started interfering with my work (thinking about it at work, one time even late to work because of watching porn). It started when I was 20. I fucked up my knee when playing football (soccer), and I lost the one place where I could vent all my frustrations at how unfair life was, how angry I was, how insecure I felt about myself and my feelings. From then on, my porn consumption steadily grew.
- For over a year, I have been unable to quit completely and go without porn for longer than four weeks max.
- Figuring I needed professional help for my depression, anxieties and my stress, I started going to a psychologist a few weeks. A lot has become clear since then. After a personality survey (300+ questions), it turns out that I suffer from autism spectrum disorder (ASD), severe PTSD (mainly my 5 months in hospital with the recurring flashbacks and panic attacks) and possibly a personality disorder.
- Other issues in my life include: fear of attachment, fear of abandonment, self-loathing, avoidance issues and problems with emotional regulation.
My psychologist told me he thought porn was a problem for me, but more a result of my past than anything else. He said people with both ASD and PTSD run a much higher risk of becoming addicted to something and that it's partly genetic. He also told me not to view myself as a weak person, but rather to view my addiction as a way of coping with life and my PTSD, and that I simply needed a different coping mechanism.
He asked me when I usually watch porn, and I told him it's always in the morning, when I'm still in bed (and after nightmares). Being autistic means I have strong need for structure, and binging on porn in the mornings has become part of my "structure". It's true, I get stressed and anxious when I don't follow my (extremely rigorous) structure, so I need to change my structure, and for an autistic person, nothing is harder than change. But it is possible if I'm committed and honest about being stressed and anxious.
So, I'm autistic, suffer from severe PTSD and I'm still addicted. I go to a psychologist, which helps, but I still feel very alone in this. I feel I can't tell my girlfriend since she's already puts up with a lof of shit because of my issues. Is there anyone that can help?
Best,
Niels
I just wanted to start a journal and have a place to put down some of my frustrations/anxieties.
A little bit about myself:
- I'm 29, from the Netherlands and epileptic (though I have been seizure-free for almost 13 years now), for which I have spent 5 months in hospital (when I was 17).
- I figured out last year that I suffer from a porn addiction when it started interfering with my work (thinking about it at work, one time even late to work because of watching porn). It started when I was 20. I fucked up my knee when playing football (soccer), and I lost the one place where I could vent all my frustrations at how unfair life was, how angry I was, how insecure I felt about myself and my feelings. From then on, my porn consumption steadily grew.
- For over a year, I have been unable to quit completely and go without porn for longer than four weeks max.
- Figuring I needed professional help for my depression, anxieties and my stress, I started going to a psychologist a few weeks. A lot has become clear since then. After a personality survey (300+ questions), it turns out that I suffer from autism spectrum disorder (ASD), severe PTSD (mainly my 5 months in hospital with the recurring flashbacks and panic attacks) and possibly a personality disorder.
- Other issues in my life include: fear of attachment, fear of abandonment, self-loathing, avoidance issues and problems with emotional regulation.
My psychologist told me he thought porn was a problem for me, but more a result of my past than anything else. He said people with both ASD and PTSD run a much higher risk of becoming addicted to something and that it's partly genetic. He also told me not to view myself as a weak person, but rather to view my addiction as a way of coping with life and my PTSD, and that I simply needed a different coping mechanism.
He asked me when I usually watch porn, and I told him it's always in the morning, when I'm still in bed (and after nightmares). Being autistic means I have strong need for structure, and binging on porn in the mornings has become part of my "structure". It's true, I get stressed and anxious when I don't follow my (extremely rigorous) structure, so I need to change my structure, and for an autistic person, nothing is harder than change. But it is possible if I'm committed and honest about being stressed and anxious.
So, I'm autistic, suffer from severe PTSD and I'm still addicted. I go to a psychologist, which helps, but I still feel very alone in this. I feel I can't tell my girlfriend since she's already puts up with a lof of shit because of my issues. Is there anyone that can help?
Best,
Niels