28 And Done With Porn

[Non-Dual Adventurer]

Thanks for the link and the support! I will read through it.

Urges to watch porn are like 10/10 right now. I keep considering it, and can't seem to get motivated to leave the couch right now. I'm just gonna have hold tight and let them pass. Deep down though, I know that if I so much as peak, it's gonna be a slippery slope from there so I've gotta stay put. STORM APROACHING GUYS! Lol.

 

[No regrets]

Today i want you to realize how strong you really are. You've been through so much, but you're here and i am soooooooooo proud of you 

 

[Non-Dual Adventurer]

Thanks for the support, 'Thank you'.

Day 6

Yesterday was a living hell. All my brain wanted was PMO. I instinctively started M'ing but without watching anything, and it was like my dick got prepared to cum even without getting hard at all. Needless to say I didn't MO or PMO but the temptation was constantly there because the withdrawal was worse than death. It was so bad I couldn't move, speak, or see any positivity in the world. It was like how they describe the 'Dementor's Kiss' in Harry Potter. Where all the joy is sucked out of the world. It was miserable. I still feel pretty miserable today but it's a little better.

I've been a real shit to my wife these past couple of days - unfortunately she's been on the receiving end of some real anger. I need to stop using her as a proverbial punching bag for my own PMO withdrawal pain and bullshit. I think I need to have a time-out where I just sit alone when I'm like this, because I'm no fun to be around when I'm this negative. However, I can't really spend days on end alone. The trouble is I'm just so awful to be around right now, and I can't seem to help this palpable negativity that descends on me and lingers like a cancerous odour.

I'm going on a camping trip in the wilderness with all the guys from my wife's side of the family and some others from Thursday to Sunday, so there will be no internet. Hopefully until then, prepping for it will keep my mind off P.

I wonder if today will be any better or if my brain will decide to attack me with its full arsenal again.

Either way, one day at a time.

- Adventurer

 

[BlueHeronFan]

Urges to watch porn are like 10/10 right now. I keep considering it, and can't seem to get motivated to leave the couch right now. I'm just gonna have hold tight and let them pass. Deep down though, I know that if I so much as peak, it's gonna be a slippery slope from there so I've gotta stay put. STORM APROACHING GUYS! Lol.

This is definitely where your recovery efforts count the most! When those urges rage, they get in the way of everything. You're ready for it, though, and you know what to do.

It's amazing that you could walk away from that video (thanks for the trigger warning, by the way, that sort of note definitely makes this forum a safer place). That's way too close for comfort, though, so proceed with caution (like you needed me to say that, lol).

As awful as that storm is, there's something great about it too. In the past, I always gave in at the first round of urges, so I never really experienced how bad the urges could get. The last time I experienced the storm was the first time I managed to ride it out. It really did shut me down for a couple days, but it did quiet down eventually. Just remember that the increasing intensity is a sign of your progress: the further you get from porn, the more of a tantrum it will throw to get you back.

Hopefully camping will give you some space away from it all and help you get through the worst of it. We're all here cheering you on!

 

[Non-Dual Adventurer]

Day 7

I slept like shit last night. Probably a max of 2 hours. I was just restless, anxious, and depressed all night. I woke at 5 to drop my wife to work, came home, and went back to bed from 6am-10:45. The good part is I don't care that I slept in that long. I clearly needed it, and I need to be kind to myself right now. Whenever I feel tired, I'm going to try and listen to my body and just sleep, for the time being at least until I'm more stable in my recovery and can control the urges that come due to insomnia.

At the moment, I'm feeling pretty negative. I keep thinking obsessing about my personality and being critical. It's like I can't distinguish which parts of my personality are due to P and which are really me. People have said that I can be very charismatic and charming, and I know this to be true, but right now I'm not that at all. I'm much quieter and I feel like I have nothing to say to people. I feel like my wife overshadows me, and I don't assert myself to get my point across in group situations. She's the baby in her family so I guess she was always overshadowed which is why she is so loud and assertive in group conversation. It often annoys me though, a lot. I like to leave pregnant pauses in conversation, and people who have to always fill in the gaps annoy me, because 9/10 I wanted to say something else after the pause, to conclude my point. I should just talk to her gently about it, but I can't really regulate my anger at the moment, and I just end up sounding way more angry than I am or than is needed. I feel generally more quiet and insecure in social situations at the moment. It feels she's so much more outgoing, even though I never considered myself an introvert. I guess I do have an introverted side, but I generally like to be around people. Right now, I'm wondering whether that will all change when I'm clean for longer. What kind of eclectic phoenix of a character will emerge from the ashes?

I feel so removed from social situations, like I don't give a fuck about the outcome at all. It's like the opposite of social anxiety - I just can't be bothered to really contribute to conversation. I don't give a fuck about anyone or anything, I want to, I just can't. I can't even feel love for my wife right now - I don't want to touch her or be touched. I feel like she's bossy and annoying right now.

I think I'm also in a flat-line now, since yesterday. I have absolutely zero sexual desire, including for porn. I feel neutered, and it's really fucking weird. Maybe that's why I'm experiencing all the above irritation, because how can a man be manly when he's basically asexual? Maybe that's why I feel my woman is trying to control me - because I can't speak from my balls in an assertive tone. I feel weak and depleted, and as a result, insecure. Do people perceive me as a weak character? Her family don't know me that well - maybe they do? Does anyone else ever have these kinds of feelings?

Shit, I guess this is social anxiety!

We're leaving very early tomorrow to go camping. I'm really looking forward to the drive. I'm driving my truck and my brother-in-law T and his friend M are up in the cab with me the whole way. It'll be nice to get to know them a bit better, especially my brother-in-law who lives in the South and has a wife and three small kids, which means we don't get much one-on-one time. The drive is around 5 hours long and then there's a good 45 minutes of pretty technical off-road driving to get to the camping spot, which I'm really looking forward to. Something about being in your truck in the middle of nowhere with 4wd on going over obstacles feels very primal. It's incredible what man can build. Well, look at that, 5 minutes in America and I'm already a truck guy! LOL.

Wishing all you peeps from the US a very happy 4th July, and everyone else a lovely weekend.

Over and out.

- Adventurer

 

[Lero]

I slept like shit last night. Probably a max of 2 hours. I was just restless, anxious, and depressed all night. I woke at 5 to drop my wife to work, came home, and went back to bed from 6am-10:45. The good part is I don't care that I slept in that long. I clearly needed it, and I need to be kind to myself right now. Whenever I feel tired, I'm going to try and listen to my body and just sleep, for the time being at least until I'm more stable in my recovery and can control the urges that come due to insomnia.

I've experienced insomnia like that and it destabilized me for the entire day. I am much more predisposed for relapses when I don't sleep well but I don't really know what to do when this happens. It's like my mind doesn't slow down, like a CD Player that keeps going. It's like I am tired but my mind doesn't turn off to let me sleep. I don't know if it's similar for you.

I think I'm also in a flat-line now, since yesterday. I have absolutely zero sexual desire, including for porn. I feel neutered, and it's really fucking weird. Maybe that's why I'm experiencing all the above irritation

I've had that in the past and it felt really weird. It was supposed to make me happy because it equaled no more urges but it showed me it wasn't the expected result. I felt really strange, like I was "empty", like I walked around without body weight, like I had no emotions. I made the stupid mistake to PMO just to see if I was still "alive", to see if I could still feel something and indeed I felt nothing. The O was absolutely empty, the edging didn't make me feel anything. But this flatline is typical for recovering addicts like us so the best choice is to go through it. PMO-ing to "restart" you "emotions" is a terrible idea. I don't think that there is a recovering addict out there who doesn't experiences flatline along the way. If anybody discovers a way to speed it up, they should let me know.

 

[BlueHeronFan]

Hey, man, it definitely sounds like you've hit a rough patch, and I'm really sorry to hear it. I hope the rugged outdoors will help you over the worst of it!

Porn wrecks our ability to relate to people. I definitely can't say for sure, but it wouldn't surprise if your feelings of annoyed-ness aren't just a side-effect of dealing with porn and urges. Hang in there!

Also, and this is mostly for my own curiosity, but how involved with your addiction/recovery is your wife? One of the things that I worry a lot about in the future is that eventual conversation with a significant other about how porn has been a part of my life story. I guess it shouldn't make too much of a difference if I really do find the right person, but I always worry that it's an automatic deal-breaker. How do you (both) work with it, if you don't mind my asking?

 

[No regrets]

You are smart, talented, cherished, important, special, worthy and loved. Don't allow your own thought to tell you otherwise
Never discount how far you have come,  for you have truly pulled yourself out of the deepest and darkest of trenches in this life. Never doubt your power. Never doubt your strength. You are a light in this world and you shine brightly, boldly, defiantly- You  shine because You perserved, You shine because you fought through all of the chaos That was so intent on destroying you.

 

[achilles heel]

Right now, I'm wondering whether that will all change when I'm clean for longer. What kind of eclectic phoenix of a character will emerge from the ashes?

This is a very important point: Getting to know the real self, not the blurred vision below the addiction.

Don't worry about the social anxiety part, to my experience it comes and goes in waves and slowly fades out (with short episodes where it comes back). In terms of your relationship watch your behaviour because I experienced myself behaving like an asshole at some early stages of reboot due to not managing the new stress of quitting. This might cause some trouble, as you already notice a certain change.

 

[Non-Dual Adventurer]

Day 10

Hi guys! Thank you for the support!!! I'll reply in more detail to your messages soon, but I just got back from my trip and am super exhausted. I laid down for a nap today and found myself peaking at youtube videos - not really anything pornographic but still activating the same parts of the brain as porn, obviously. I now feel a bit bad but also super triggered. Thankfully I can't watch anything on my phone because I have a blocker. I don't have one on my laptop but have taken to only using my laptop in a room with the door open, or in a public space. Absolutely no solitary computer time is allowed in the bedroom. Ever.

Staying at my inlaws' tonight, because it's just easier than going back to our house-sitting house. I find this living arrangement highly stressful at the best of times, and even spending one night here makes me want to relapse to deal with the stress of not being able to afford our own place right now.

Anyway, the urges came back, so I guess I'm out of the flatline, or at least, it only lasted a couple of days? I'm not going to put a label on it. Onwards!

 

[Non-Dual Adventurer]

Day 0
Relapse x2

*Trigger Warning*

So, shortly after I had posted in the forum and was triggered from swimsuit youtube videos, I got on the computer and started edging to chaturbate exhibitionist cams, which are my go-to because it's more 'real'. Once I was edging it lasted like 2 hours, partly in a room with the door partially open... Then I brought my laptop into my room (something I said I shouldn't do), and 'did the deed'. Wife shortly after came to bed and I told her what had happened. She cried and said that it hurts her to see me hurt myself and that it's not really 'me', it's just who I believe myself to be. She then gave my ass a kicking about it because she said I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and that she loves me no matter what and is committed to me forever, and that she doesn't take that lightly. To be honest, I told her that I struggled to believe her, because who would want to be with such a piece of shit who always relapses and can't be a good husband?

It's really hard to believe that someone else believes in you when you are at your lowest and most vulnerable. It's really hard to yield to their love, because porn addiction feeds on the feeling of being isolated.

Thank you for your continued support @Lero, @BlueHeronFan, @Achilles heel, and @Thank you for all that you do for me. Unfortunately I wasn't able to stave off a relapse this time but with your support I know I'm strong enough to get through this.

I've experienced insomnia like that and it destabilized me for the entire day. I am much more predisposed for relapses when I don't sleep well but I don't really know what to do when this happens. It's like my mind doesn't slow down, like a CD Player that keeps going. It's like I am tired but my mind doesn't turn off to let me sleep. I don't know if it's similar for you.

I've had that in the past and it felt really weird. It was supposed to make me happy because it equaled no more urges but it showed me it wasn't the expected result. I felt really strange, like I was "empty", like I walked around without body weight, like I had no emotions. I made the stupid mistake to PMO just to see if I was still "alive", to see if I could still feel something and indeed I felt nothing. The O was absolutely empty, the edging didn't make me feel anything. But this flatline is typical for recovering addicts like us so the best choice is to go through it. PMO-ing to "restart" you "emotions" is a terrible idea. I don't think that there is a recovering addict out there who doesn't experiences flatline along the way. If anybody discovers a way to speed it up, they should let me know.

@Lero, yes the insomnia is a killer. I am the type of person who needs a good 8 hours, so when I don't get it it destabilises me and it can be really bad. I just try to take a nap during the day when this happens. I've had similar flatline experiences but it was a long time ago, and I guess after today I'm back to round 1.

Also, and this is mostly for my own curiosity, but how involved with your addiction/recovery is your wife? One of the things that I worry a lot about in the future is that eventual conversation with a significant other about how porn has been a part of my life story. I guess it shouldn't make too much of a difference if I really do find the right person, but I always worry that it's an automatic deal-breaker. How do you (both) work with it, if you don't mind my asking?

@BlueHeron I hope what I said above answers your question about relationships. It's absolutely not a deal-breaker for most women. Most women who are mature have a deeper understanding of the qualities they look for in a man, and one that can be honest and open about his demons is a keeper! Most of these fake alphas out there that preach that a man has to be a certain way have not dealt with the majority of their shit in life just yet. We have, and are continuing to. We are definitely relationship material and don't let anyone tell you that you have to be perfect before you can find love! You are loveable just the way you are, porn or no porn, but you want to overcome porn so you can simply be the best version of yourself. That doesn't mean that you are not already loveable, or that once you have overcome your porn addiction, you will be perfect and then be loveable. Perfection does not exist. No one will ever be perfect. Once you know this in your heart, and you are confident porn or no porn, you will find love. It's hard to let go of the idea that porn is the reason you haven't found it, because it can act as a kind of shield. The day I met my wife I had relapsed 3 times, but we had this amazing connection anyway. So why do I want to quit porn? Simply because I've grown out of it.

- Adventurer

 

[Non-Dual Adventurer]

Day 1

Had sex with the wife yesterday. It was amazing and my erection was 95%. She came twice so it was obviously great for her too.
This shows me how much progress was made on the last streak, even if it was 'only' 9 days. It also shows me how useful it is to have a reboot partner. It also helps that we are deeply in love and have this incredible connection.

Her ass-kicking yesterday was out of genuine love. She put some serious conscious energy in me and I felt it in the base of my spine, where my Kundalini is. It felt like something was resisting her words so hard, like I didn't want to hear them at all because they were too pure. Sometimes I think porn is an amalgamation of past karmas from past lives that manifest as a kind of demon.
It genuinely felt like I was possessed as she was speaking to me. I wanted to bang my head against a wall and scream.

It can't be ultimately real, none of this can. Although there are a myriad life forms and expressions, there can only be one source of them all. Ultimately, there is only emptiness. An atom is 99.999999% empty space. Everything is made of atoms. There must be an energy behind it all, that is truly us, beyond the veil of ignorance that tells us we are merely people living this little life, with these little problems. Life energy is all there is, and that is happening Now. There is no past, no future. Our human minds and human experiences can only be relative, if they can be noticed and observed. I am aware of the existence of my human experiences and my human mind. I am aware of the concept of myself. I am aware of the concept of past, of future and even of the present. I am aware of addiction. I am aware of my body. I am aware of thoughts and feelings. I am aware of my personal identity. I am aware, before the first thought arose in my mind. Am I merely the body or the mind? Who am I?

 

[BlueHeronFan]

Sorry to hear about the lapse, man. Not to give you a pass, but I know I'm always more vulnerable when I'm traveling/back at home/out of my routine. It's too bad that it got you again, but there were a lot of things working against you, so it might not be totally representative of where you are in terms of real progress.

Sounds like your wife is a real hero. It's cool that you can work on things together, and I think it is really important to have a trusted person or two in your life who can support you. I've found that support from leaders at church, and it's made a huge difference. It's awesome that you have an ally who's with you on a daily basis.

@BlueHeron I hope what I said above answers your question about relationships. It's absolutely not a deal-breaker for most women. Most women who are mature have a deeper understanding of the qualities they look for in a man, and one that can be honest and open about his demons is a keeper! Most of these fake alphas out there that preach that a man has to be a certain way have not dealt with the majority of their shit in life just yet. We have, and are continuing to. We are definitely relationship material and don't let anyone tell you that you have to be perfect before you can find love! You are loveable just the way you are, porn or no porn, but you want to overcome porn so you can simply be the best version of yourself. That doesn't mean that you are not already loveable, or that once you have overcome your porn addiction, you will be perfect and then be loveable. Perfection does not exist. No one will ever be perfect. Once you know this in your heart, and you are confident porn or no porn, you will find love. It's hard to let go of the idea that porn is the reason you haven't found it, because it can act as a kind of shield. The day I met my wife I had relapsed 3 times, but we had this amazing connection anyway. So why do I want to quit porn? Simply because I've grown out of it.

Thanks a lot for your insight! We're generally a bunch of single guys, so it's nice to have your perspective. What you said about thinking that porn is the only reason I haven't found love hit me where it counts: I have definitely thought that before (continue to think it). And I've also found myself thinking that, for all the compatibility I've had with women I have dated in the past, they would have cut and run if I'd talked about porn. But I think you're right: a mature woman could deal with it in a really supportive and useful way. I feel like I would have 0 problem dating/marrying a woman who had dealt with porn (or addiction) in her life, but I get stuck thinking it would never work the other way around. And that's probably wrong and probably also unfair to think. So, truly, thanks.

 

[Non-Dual Adventurer]

Spent the entire morning today watching porn. I was so hooked I was even peaking while my wife was sitting in the same room and I was facing away from her. Later on I watched again when I should have been practising music. Relapsed.

Felt okay afterwards but went back for more and just relapsed to some messed up shit.

Urgh!!! There's something about Day 1 that is so demotivating!!!

 

[Non-Dual Adventurer]

Sorry to hear about the lapse, man. Not to give you a pass, but I know I'm always more vulnerable when I'm traveling/back at home/out of my routine. It's too bad that it got you again, but there were a lot of things working against you, so it might not be totally representative of where you are in terms of real progress.

Sounds like your wife is a real hero. It's cool that you can work on things together, and I think it is really important to have a trusted person or two in your life who can support you. I've found that support from leaders at church, and it's made a huge difference. It's awesome that you have an ally who's with you on a daily basis.

@BlueHeron I hope what I said above answers your question about relationships. It's absolutely not a deal-breaker for most women. Most women who are mature have a deeper understanding of the qualities they look for in a man, and one that can be honest and open about his demons is a keeper! Most of these fake alphas out there that preach that a man has to be a certain way have not dealt with the majority of their shit in life just yet. We have, and are continuing to. We are definitely relationship material and don't let anyone tell you that you have to be perfect before you can find love! You are loveable just the way you are, porn or no porn, but you want to overcome porn so you can simply be the best version of yourself. That doesn't mean that you are not already loveable, or that once you have overcome your porn addiction, you will be perfect and then be loveable. Perfection does not exist. No one will ever be perfect. Once you know this in your heart, and you are confident porn or no porn, you will find love. It's hard to let go of the idea that porn is the reason you haven't found it, because it can act as a kind of shield. The day I met my wife I had relapsed 3 times, but we had this amazing connection anyway. So why do I want to quit porn? Simply because I've grown out of it.

Thanks a lot for your insight! We're generally a bunch of single guys, so it's nice to have your perspective. What you said about thinking that porn is the only reason I haven't found love hit me where it counts: I have definitely thought that before (continue to think it). And I've also found myself thinking that, for all the compatibility I've had with women I have dated in the past, they would have cut and run if I'd talked about porn. But I think you're right: a mature woman could deal with it in a really supportive and useful way. I feel like I would have 0 problem dating/marrying a woman who had dealt with porn (or addiction) in her life, but I get stuck thinking it would never work the other way around. And that's probably wrong and probably also unfair to think. So, truly, thanks.

Thank you, mate. That means a lot.

And I really mean what I said on your journal just now, too.

Inshallah, tomorrow will be a better day for me.

Bed time now.

- Adventurer

 

[Non-Dual Adventurer]

A powerful guided meditation:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j8qF8T4c3NM

 

[BlueHeronFan]

Thanks so much for your kind words in my journal, man. They really do mean a lot!

It's a bummer that the lapse continued into today. You know, for me, it seems like once porn gets me, it usually comes back for more once or twice in the same week. (My relapses/binges tend to happen over a few days, maybe with a quiet day somewhere in between.) It's a big, discouraging drag, but I guess it's part of it. Once I'm in a relapse, it usually just has to run its course before I can really regroup and recommit. Sorry to hear this one is drawing itself out.

Day 1 can be discouraging. I don't know if it's helpful or not, but I've been trying to think of every day as Day 1 on some level. Today is the only day I have any control over, whether it's day 1 or 2 or 115, and nothing that happened yesterday has to determine what I do today. I know Day 1 can feel discouraging because it feels like you have to start all over. But Day 1 can also be encouraging for the same reason: you get to start all over! It's a new day, and you can make it whatever you want it to be.

Here's to an amazing Day 1 tomorrow!

 

[No regrets]

You are strong. A relapse does not decrease your value. One step back is nothing when you look at the journey you've already made. You aren't alone. Just a reminder in case your mind is playing tricks on you today: You matter. You're enough. And your presence in this world makes a difference, whether you see it or not. Stay gold my friend 

 

[Non-Dual Adventurer]

Day 1

Thank you for the support @BlueHeron and @Thank you

Had a good if not stressful day yesterday. Prepared some songs for a gig on Saturday, which took many hours. Went to Kung Fu. However, I got back from Kung Fu and the wife was asleep, so I went to the computer to wind down. I felt great, so I don't really know why I decided to peek, but I did, and it led to a couple of hours of peeking and then a relapse. It was a weird one, because it felt like just going through the motions. The urges weren't really that strong at the beginning.

Thanks so much for your kind words in my journal, man. They really do mean a lot!

It's a bummer that the lapse continued into today. You know, for me, it seems like once porn gets me, it usually comes back for more once or twice in the same week. (My relapses/binges tend to happen over a few days, maybe with a quiet day somewhere in between.) It's a big, discouraging drag, but I guess it's part of it. Once I'm in a relapse, it usually just has to run its course before I can really regroup and recommit. Sorry to hear this one is drawing itself out.

Day 1 can be discouraging. I don't know if it's helpful or not, but I've been trying to think of every day as Day 1 on some level. Today is the only day I have any control over, whether it's day 1 or 2 or 115, and nothing that happened yesterday has to determine what I do today. I know Day 1 can feel discouraging because it feels like you have to start all over. But Day 1 can also be encouraging for the same reason: you get to start all over! It's a new day, and you can make it whatever you want it to be.

Here's to an amazing Day 1 tomorrow!

I'm absolutely think it's true what you say about letting it run its course. And also what you say about Day 1. On this day 1, I know I will not watch porn.

- Adventurer

 

[BlueHeronFan]

It was a weird one, because it felt like just going through the motions. The urges weren't really that strong at the beginning.

Yeah, I know this feeling, too. It's just like it takes over and I'm watching myself relapse, screaming in my head to stop but also not stopping. There isn't much pleasure, much desire, just a relapse.

Hopefully this storm has blown over now and you can get back to business without porn stealing your body from you again. This next Day 1 is going to be the best Day 1 you've had yet!