Are friends causing me to relapse?

[AlexthenotsoGreat]

For some reason I've grown up to have losers for friends. I don't want this to be a rant, but I really feel like they are part of the reason I keep relapsing. Every time I suggest something, one of them is always unsure if he wants to hang out or not. I have a feeling he doesn't even like hanging out with me but just goes along because he's bored. Most of the time he just says no however. My other friend almost never says no to doing something, but he is incredibly immature to the point that I find him annoying a majority of the time, always cracking immature jokes about women (despite that he's 35). I just feel kind of hopeless. I know the whole "independent man"-argument and that we shouldn't be dependent on others for our recovery, but I don't know how I'm going to be able to cope if I don't have friends who are encouraging and supportive, and above all have a zest for life. They know about my problem, so I don't have any issues being honest with them, but they are both so depressed and coping with it in entirely different ways.

So I guess my real question is, how do I deal with this? I've known them since childhood but I feel like I've outgrown them too much to let them drag me down. Should I cut ties or be brutally honest with them and risk alienating them forever? I hate that I feel I can't be honest with them, but I have no other friends. Does anyone else have any similar experience? How did you deal with it?

 

[malando]

I think you're thinking the right way. People do outgrow relationships. When things change for one person, the relationship has to evolve, or it withers. I would suggest that you talk to them and explain how you're feeling. It can't be that you're spending you're life propping up a friendship to suit their wishes. What about them making an effort to change things for your benefit?

So for friend number one, I'd sit him down and express how you feel about his reluctance to do things and meet up with you. Tell him you don't feel supported by him, and that it's a constant grind having him shoot everything down. Explain that you need things to change for you to keep going with the friendship. Be honest and say that you're ready to walk if he's not into it.

Same for friend number two, really. You have to sit down and have a heart-to-heart. Tell him what you're finding hard to accept, and more importantly, what you would like your friendship to be like. Maybe he has reasons for what he does that need a spotlight shone on them for his own good too. If you need him to raise his tone around jokes and commentary on women, then just go for it. It's part of your recovery - holding yourself (and others indirectly) to higher standards.

If either or both of them scoff at your requests and blow it off, you really have your answer about them. You'll know that it's a waste of energy putting any more time into these friendships. But I wouldn't drop them without trying to talk with them. They might surprise you. Maybe they want things to change too. Just make sure they are committed to a healthy friendship with you. Sometimes having poor company is more lonely than just being alone.

 

[AlexthenotsoGreat]

This pretty much confirms what I've thought myself. I do think that they might want change, but who knows? I've had suicidal thoughts for a long time in the past, and one of them knows about it. I just can't risk having them change things for the worse again, there's too much at stake. Keeping my fingers crossed. Thanks for the reply, I mean that.

 

[Lero]

I don't know, maybe tell them how you feel and see if they want to go along. If not, it's tricky.

 

[doneatlast]

I'm not sure if I'm fully following your thought.  I'm not seeing how it causes relapses.  Is it their immaturity causing you to not take rebooting and other things as seriously as you should?  Or, is the matter that you think having them as friends is draining on you, and you could be using those energies to make new friendships?

If they're genuinely a bad influence on how you want to live your life and you can't separate it, then the friendships need to end.  It is like if you are an alcoholic trying to kick the bottle, and your buddies don't know how to have fun and be social without drinking, well... the friendships have to go.  I'm not sure if that is the appropriate analogy for your situation, so don't ditch them based on that bit of advice.

If you just want better friends, then just seek them out?  I don't think you need to terminate a current friendship in order to make new ones.  Sure, the new social circle might not mesh with the old one, but that's life.  If the new friends are wine & cheese, discussing Kant and Chaucer, then it is fine if your other friends are beer & nachos, watching monster movies.  It just means having a joint get together might not work so well.

Sometimes when we're hung up on friends not maturing enough, we can find ourselves slipping into co-dependency.  Look it up for better summaries, but in short it is when one side is too much of a giver and the other too much of a taker, and both are hooked on this dynamic, especially the giver who needs it to feel valued.  I'm not necessarily getting that from your post, but I'm not NOT getting it either.

 

[AlexthenotsoGreat]

I'm not sure if I'm fully following your thought.  I'm not seeing how it causes relapses.  Is it their immaturity causing you to not take rebooting and other things as seriously as you should?  Or, is the matter that you think having them as friends is draining on you, and you could be using those energies to make new friendships?

Sometimes when we're hung up on friends not maturing enough, we can find ourselves slipping into co-dependency.  Look it up for better summaries, but in short it is when one side is too much of a giver and the other too much of a taker, and both are hooked on this dynamic, especially the giver who needs it to feel valued.  I'm not necessarily getting that from your post, but I'm not NOT getting it either.

I suppose I find it depressing to the point that I struggle to see why I'm even friends with at least one of them. There are many things I like about them but weighing the good against the bad becomes draining, much like you described. My bouts of depression, coupled with the fact that they so rarely want to meet up has been hurtful. In my worst moments the rejection has caused me to feel lonelier and more isolated and I've gone to porn for comfort. I just have a sense they don't give a shit. What you said about co-dependency was an eye-opener to be honest. I never considered that I might be dependent on them, but I suppose I am to a degree that's not healthy. This, and the fact that I'm 34 and single makes me believe this is a likely issue. This has given me serious food for thought.