WoundedSparrow
Active Member
I just relapsed. Twice. And I relapsed two days ago. And then two days before that. Four days in a week. My worst porn binge in months. And right at the time where I realized I hate porn more than I ever knew I could. I just want to shout from the rooftops how much I hate it. It's taken EVERYTHING from me! I've had mental breakdowns due to heightened anxiety and obsessively questioning my sexuality. (I know for a fact that I'm not gay, but at the time, it was terrifying) I've lost women in whole or in part over it. It makes me obsessive and downright creepy towards women, even when I desperately try to stop. And the worst part is that I know exactly what I need to do. I just can't do it!
Every time I seem to be doing ok in a reboot, something comes out of left field and knocks me on my ass. I can barely go a week sober. I've learned so much about my addiction and how to fight it, but it can all go out the window in an instant and getting back on the wagon is impossible. I make rookie mistakes after a relapse. It's like I forget how to do things. My willpower drains away. And for whatever reason, I'm not doing what I should be doing, which is treating porn addiction like it's the top priority in my life.
Case and point: Work sucked today. I went home and crashed. I try to make a habit out of going to the gym. When I do, I almost never relapse. Exercise is great for that. I should be going every day and I know it. But I was tired. I said, "I'll be fine. I'll skip today. I'm too tired for porn." Then I fucking relapse TWICE. Do you know how many times I've weaseled out of the gym in my head this way only to relapse hours later? I know it's effective at stopping relapses. Hell, once I start cardio, I'm wide awake and the workday melts away. So why the hell do I keep doing this???
Why can't I stop. I want to stop. There's no pleasure anymore. I'm weak and tired. I'm miserable and feel like my mental state can't get any worse. It's been almost 6 whole years since I started. God knows what I've done to my sperm/prostate/healthy sex drives in my brain. I want to check into rehab or go to therapy, but porn addiction isn't recognized as an addiction and is barely understood by anyone aside from us here. I want to tell my friends and family and beg for help, but I'd die of shame if I did. I couldn't stand to see the anguish of my mother or disappointment of my father. My best friend is my rock and I feel that even he could never look at me the same again. I feel trapped. I want out so bad. More than ever. I'm desperate and there's no end in sight. What can I do? I'm begging anyone I can for help. I need to have my life back. I need to. I'm terrified of the consequences if I don't. What do I do? I'm truly on my last leg here. I've seen how orn has warped my mind and my life and I need it to stop.
Every time I seem to be doing ok in a reboot, something comes out of left field and knocks me on my ass. I can barely go a week sober. I've learned so much about my addiction and how to fight it, but it can all go out the window in an instant and getting back on the wagon is impossible. I make rookie mistakes after a relapse. It's like I forget how to do things. My willpower drains away. And for whatever reason, I'm not doing what I should be doing, which is treating porn addiction like it's the top priority in my life.
Case and point: Work sucked today. I went home and crashed. I try to make a habit out of going to the gym. When I do, I almost never relapse. Exercise is great for that. I should be going every day and I know it. But I was tired. I said, "I'll be fine. I'll skip today. I'm too tired for porn." Then I fucking relapse TWICE. Do you know how many times I've weaseled out of the gym in my head this way only to relapse hours later? I know it's effective at stopping relapses. Hell, once I start cardio, I'm wide awake and the workday melts away. So why the hell do I keep doing this???
Why can't I stop. I want to stop. There's no pleasure anymore. I'm weak and tired. I'm miserable and feel like my mental state can't get any worse. It's been almost 6 whole years since I started. God knows what I've done to my sperm/prostate/healthy sex drives in my brain. I want to check into rehab or go to therapy, but porn addiction isn't recognized as an addiction and is barely understood by anyone aside from us here. I want to tell my friends and family and beg for help, but I'd die of shame if I did. I couldn't stand to see the anguish of my mother or disappointment of my father. My best friend is my rock and I feel that even he could never look at me the same again. I feel trapped. I want out so bad. More than ever. I'm desperate and there's no end in sight. What can I do? I'm begging anyone I can for help. I need to have my life back. I need to. I'm terrified of the consequences if I don't. What do I do? I'm truly on my last leg here. I've seen how orn has warped my mind and my life and I need it to stop.