WoundedSparrow
Active Member
A few months ago I was 2 weeks into a reboot before having a disturbing sexual dream which brought up unpleasant memories. That night, the stress triggered me to relapse twice. The anxiety I suffered immediately after awakening almost triggered a mental breakdown. It would have been my third since I became addicted to porn almost six years ago to the letter. Over the last month and a half, I've suffered. Obsessing over uncomfortable memories and becoming depressed and unfocused. I escaped a total breakdown but the grace of God, but I've suffered immensely. I've become withdrawn and try to distract myself with whatever I can to simply deal with life. I've stopped going to the gym, something that helps me with addiction and anxiety. I feel more lethargic and do not desire to do things I once did. It's been miserable. Worse still, I have continued to relapse, each one even riskier than the last since I know it's only a matter of time before another breakdown. And when that day comes, I don't know if I'll ever be able to recover.
Porn has pushed me to the very edge of my sanity. I can't (and don't want to) imagine how much worse it can get. But I've learned over 6 years that there is ALWAYS a step lower you can go. I have had latent thoughts of suicide. Not desires or urges, but thoughts. I've never attempted anything and I don't want to. But occasionally I'll think, "If I never feel better again or have another breakdown, it'll be too much and I'll have to end it." Like I said, I don't want to end it. I don't want to end anything. I just want my life back. I want to be better. I desperately want help, either interpersonal or professional. But that requires people in my life to know. I've thought over and over again about telling my family or my best friend about my addiction and begging them for help, but I can't bear the thought of how they'd look at me. As a sexually deviant freak. They'd never see me the same way again. I couldn't do that to my parents. They always tell me how proud of me they are and that I'm a good man. I know differently. The truth would break their hearts and alienate me from them. And since I'm still on their insurance, seeing an addiction therapist means that they would have to know. My best friend is the best chance I have and I even worry about him judging me. And I don't know how much help he could be.
I need accountability with someone who is capable of holding me to sobriety and helping me overcome addiction. I've failed to be accountable to myself. I'm standing at the edge of the abyss and looking down into the void. This burden has never felt so heavy. And I want to get out. I don't know what to do.
Porn has pushed me to the very edge of my sanity. I can't (and don't want to) imagine how much worse it can get. But I've learned over 6 years that there is ALWAYS a step lower you can go. I have had latent thoughts of suicide. Not desires or urges, but thoughts. I've never attempted anything and I don't want to. But occasionally I'll think, "If I never feel better again or have another breakdown, it'll be too much and I'll have to end it." Like I said, I don't want to end it. I don't want to end anything. I just want my life back. I want to be better. I desperately want help, either interpersonal or professional. But that requires people in my life to know. I've thought over and over again about telling my family or my best friend about my addiction and begging them for help, but I can't bear the thought of how they'd look at me. As a sexually deviant freak. They'd never see me the same way again. I couldn't do that to my parents. They always tell me how proud of me they are and that I'm a good man. I know differently. The truth would break their hearts and alienate me from them. And since I'm still on their insurance, seeing an addiction therapist means that they would have to know. My best friend is the best chance I have and I even worry about him judging me. And I don't know how much help he could be.
I need accountability with someone who is capable of holding me to sobriety and helping me overcome addiction. I've failed to be accountable to myself. I'm standing at the edge of the abyss and looking down into the void. This burden has never felt so heavy. And I want to get out. I don't know what to do.