Welp, I relapsed :(

[Questions]

Excuse me while I go cry in a corner.... I absolutely feel like crap. I just wanna stop already...I go for months without watching, and then I binge...its ridiculous!! Maybe it's cus im a teen (17 year old girl) and my hormones are going crazy, but I hate it...I feel gross

:'( :'( :'(

I need some encouragement, please...

 

[Promise]

It's worth mentioning that it's nothing to be ashamed of, and you needn't feel gross.  I think I remember you from the other thread you made about feeling unlovable knowing what you've done, but you're wrong, there's nothing immoral about being a porn addict or looking at porn.  Your demons are all personal ones, and you need to look forward, not back.

I'd recommend re-reading your old thread, and reading through the advice people gave you, as it still holds so true.  In this context guilt is not helpful.  I know me telling you this won't necessarily stop your guilt, as guilt tends to act of its own volition, but bear this in mind; the advice people are giving you is true.  They're not trying to trick you into feeling okay, we're telling you what we know to be true, and what we genuinely judge to be morally correct.


On the subject of relapse, a positive attitude is the best weapon against the chaser effect.  Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get back on that horse.  You can't undo all the progress you've made, and all of the things you've learned.  Don't worry, you'll get through this stronger and figure this thing out

 

[Questions]

Thank you <3

I guess I need to stop beating myself up over if anytime I do relapse...the first thing I tell myself is "you're such a fool, you'll never beat this...youre digusting...you're carrying this gross secret that would make anyone stop loving you..." and thats not helpful...but to be honest, it's my biggest fear--I worry that if I reach out to someone in my life and tell them that I struggle with this, I'll be seen as gross, and I will not be loved anymore...its a depressing feeling, y'know?

 

[Un1111]

I don't understand why you would consider yourself unloved, your still young and you have so much to look forward to, or at least you should. You have so much time to make yourself a better person. And your not gross at all, everybody makes mistakes, it's unavoidable because no one is perfect.

 

[Promise]

I'm very familiar with that feeling, yes.  Personally I could easily love someone who has watched porn (it'd be rather hypocritical if I couldn't!)  I think I'm more similar to you than I first realised; I havn't reached out to anyone in my life, only on this forum and one friend who lives on another continent.  I too worry how they'll see me, I'm not sure they'd understand our struggle.  But like I said, our demons are personal and don't involve anyone else.  Meh, I'm not really able to offer any advice here, just explaining how I feel so you understand you're not alone.  I've found it's gotten easier with time, and with the help of this forum.  Knowing that I don't need to feel guilty for the actions I've taken in my addiction, and we're working hard to better ourselves.  Even if you have a slip, it's all part of recovery, and all human nature.

So yeah, you should stop beating yourself up, because you're doing well slip ups happen to everyone!  You should quit for yourself, not for anyone else.  All of those things you're saying about yourself when you relapse are wrong and counter-productive.  Like I said, positivity is key.  And you're worthy of that positivity, because you're (from what I've seen) a lovely person, and the very fact that you beat yourself up so much about porn, and worry so much about what people think just goes to show how compassionate and conscientious you are.


I'm not sure this post contains the best advice I've ever given, but it's a tough one because you've hit so close to home with your last post.  But we deserve happiness, Questions, and we deserve freedom.  We can beat this thing

 

[Jijnyasu]

Thank you <3

I guess I need to stop beating myself up over if anytime I do relapse...the first thing I tell myself is "you're such a fool, you'll never beat this...youre digusting...you're carrying this gross secret that would make anyone stop loving you..." and thats not helpful...but to be honest, it's my biggest fear--I worry that if I reach out to someone in my life and tell them that I struggle with this, I'll be seen as gross, and I will not be loved anymore...its a depressing feeling, y'know?

I think we all know that feeling. If I went to my friends and said "Hey guys, I'm an alcoholic. I really can't drink anymore" They'd be like "Oh, he's so strong, taking care of that. I hear it's really hard. I should stop smoking." But who tells their friends or family "I'm addicted to porn, and as a result, I've been watching more and more disgusting stuff trying to get off." Yeah. Hard to imagine that going over well. That's why it's so important to have this place to just let it out. We're all in the same boat. We've done things we feel really rotten about.

But you know what? You're doing something that not everyone with this problem is doing. You're trying. You can see it's stealing your life from you, and you're going to beat it. A stumble is only that. Put it behind you and get right back on track. Pick up right where you left off. And before you know it, you won't have a gross secret any more. You'll just be the wonderful young girl you've always been underneath the weight of this thing. You're lovable now, and you'll be lovable then. The difference is, you'll believe it. And that's why you're doing this. Not for someone to find you lovable. But for you. To show yourself that you can beat this.

Hang in there. I'm really rooting for you. And I know a lot of other people on here are too. We do understand, completely. And we know it's hard. And we know you can do it, for you.

 

[jjhh]

I worry that if I reach out to someone in my life and tell them that I struggle with this, I'll be seen as gross, and I will not be loved anymore...its a depressing feeling, y'know?

Many of us know the feeling, but trust me: no rightly minded person would ever stop loving you because you have a problem with porn.
I hope you get that. 
Totally understand if you feel you can't talk about it to real life people though. I haven't.
You stay strong girl!

 

[Questions]

Thank you kindly, guys

Thank you <3

I guess I need to stop beating myself up over if anytime I do relapse...the first thing I tell myself is "you're such a fool, you'll never beat this...youre digusting...you're carrying this gross secret that would make anyone stop loving you..." and thats not helpful...but to be honest, it's my biggest fear--I worry that if I reach out to someone in my life and tell them that I struggle with this, I'll be seen as gross, and I will not be loved anymore...its a depressing feeling, y'know?

I think we all know that feeling. If I went to my friends and said "Hey guys, I'm an alcoholic. I really can't drink anymore" They'd be like "Oh, he's so strong, taking care of that. I hear it's really hard. I should stop smoking." But who tells their friends or family "I'm addicted to porn, and as a result, I've been watching more and more disgusting stuff trying to get off." Yeah. Hard to imagine that going over well. That's why it's so important to have this place to just let it out. We're all in the same boat. We've done things we feel really rotten about.

But you know what? You're doing something that not everyone with this problem is doing. You're trying. You can see it's stealing your life from you, and you're going to beat it. A stumble is only that. Put it behind you and get right back on track. Pick up right where you left off. And before you know it, you won't have a gross secret any more. You'll just be the wonderful young girl you've always been underneath the weight of this thing. You're lovable now, and you'll be lovable then. The difference is, you'll believe it. And that's why you're doing this. Not for someone to find you lovable. But for you. To show yourself that you can beat this.

Hang in there. I'm really rooting for you. And I know a lot of other people on here are too. We do understand, completely. And we know it's hard. And we know you can do it, for you.

Thats what I struggle with...it easier to say you're having trouble with substances like drugs n alcohol, but saying you're having problems with porn is embarassing...you'll get looked at like you're some sort of creep

And the weird thing is : Im definitely in the minority because I do not masturbate when I watch porn (in fact, I dont masturbate at all) I just watch, so I thought it'd be easier for me to quit...but apparently not :/

Thanks again