Relationships (or lack thereof) Advice

[Promise]

I posted this on my journal, but no one really seems to read it nowadays, so I thought I'd post it here as I'd like some insight from people with more relationship experience, and maybe even a little ability to psychoanalyse.  Or just general reboot advice:



I feel lonely tonight, and frustrated about not being in a happy relationship, but I think I need to cool it down and put it out of my mind because it doesn't help.  I don't think I'm really ready for a relationship today, as I still feel as though porn has messed with my ability to form romantic relationships.  I mean, I THOUGHT I was ready before I met my OkCupid friend last time, but then... well, I'd kinda relapsed a couple of days before I saw her, then a couple of days before that too.  When I saw her, it was a nice day, and when we were snuggling down on her sofa and watching something on TV afterwards, it was like a switch flipped in my brain and I had to make my excuses and get out of there.  Now I don't feel attracted to her any more.  She's so sweet, and great on paper, but I just don't feel it.  You can't force the issue, but it's a pattern I've encountered before multiple times.  Get close to a woman, sometimes even have sex, then start pushing them away with passive aggression.  At uni a lovely girl flat out asked me if I wanted to have sex again.  I said no, but couldn't explain why.  Passive aggression is horrible, and no way to treat people, so I vow never to do that again.  I'll treat my OkC friend with respect and friendship like she deserves.  No passive aggression, no hot and cold, no game playing.  At the same time I won't re-initiate courtship until further into my reboot when I'm stabilised and sure as to whether I want a relationship with her or not.

So here's my theory; I idolize women I can't have, and when I get close to a woman, I push them away with passive aggression.

Here's what I mean; take the above example of my OkC friend, and 3 of my internet friends.  None of them live near me, and have shown little interest in me per s?, but I've day dreamed about relationships with all 3 of them at some time or another, and desire them.  My German friend called me to test if her phone was working with Skype and we ended up chatting for over two hours.  I loved it.  It was a video call, and I was just enrapt with everything about her.  Her pretty face, her mannerisms, her accent, the things she said, little expressions she pulled, way she laughed.  Gosh, I was smitten.  But she lives in Germany and has a boyfriend.  So why do I so dearly fancy her, but have no interest in the woman who lives nearby and actually likes me?

Is it to do with my addiction?  Should I even be worrying about this shiz right now this early into my reboot?  All I know is that I feel like snuggling up with that German girl right now would make me so happy.

Don't know if it actually would make me happy, but I feel like it would.

 

[Viper]

Only advice I can give you for rebooting if you're interested in beating this addiction is to stay away from the dating sites.
Stay away from facebook as well because lets face it, most men (when horny) go on there to browse for women.
The whole purpose of rebooting is to reduce the amount of lust you build from images that turn you on.
The images don't have to be nude to do the trick. I understand, you're single and you want some female companionship.
But for the best results, I wouldn't pursue any type of romantic connections until you've made some strides with the reboot.

It's a different ballgame with men who already have a significant other. At least they have that one woman in their life.
When you're single, you're bringing on or at least trying to bring on multiple prospects. And you desire to go balls deep with
all of them. You would if you could. So that leads to MO. Those thoughts are counterproductive to the reboot.

 

[Promise]

You're so right viper, thanks for the advice.  I should just forget about women and all that completely for the first part of my reboot.  It's so difficult not to think about it though; before long a longing sets in that's hard to ignore.  Romance is intrinsic to the human being and motivates 90% of what we do.

You're spot on with your insights there, Viper.  Over-thinking leads to longing, which leads to frustration which makes a slip more likely.  The best thing I can do is completely forget about it for the time being, until my reboot has progressed further.  I'd say it's even more difficult not to think about relationships than it is to not think about porn.  It's something I need to get used to, but it's probably the best advice.  Thanks!

 

[Triptonicmaph]

Let's call this pure coincidence.... but I asked this exact question to myself today, again. Again as in, I've wondered about this before. I had some crushes until this point of my life and I used to fantasize myself together with these crushes of mine.. And just like you, when I get the chance to meet them in real life, BAM, I become aggressive and  don't give a crap about them at all... I once literally spent a hour next to my crush(whom  I think of almost everyday in my mind) and I barely spoke to her. That was not the first time, this happened too many godamn times!

                    I was a porn user during all these incidents. Another interesting thing is, just like you, I've had THREE internet female friends. All of them at three different times of my life. Our friendships glided into being "more than friends" ... I got "close" with all three of these female friends... but the only way we could see each other was my computer screen.. I developed a relationship with the 1st female friend and we broke up after sometime... The 2nd female friend asked me out, but well due to some other reasons I had to reject it.. (but my point is, I got close enough with these girls to atleast be asked out or develop a relationship).

Today..... Today morning, the 3rd female friend of mine wrote a loooong essay type message expressing her feelings and telling how much she likes me. My mind was blown! This girl is a very shy girl, never being in a relationship...  never ever, and I was proabbly the first guy she ever opened up like this.. 

A girl has never opened up to me in real life(not online) or never have I opened up to one, or never flirted with one in real life.. never.. But I got asked out, got into a relationship and just this morning another internet girl opened up to me.

It gets even more interesting because, the last girl, was someone I knew in 9th grade in school, but never spoke a word with her... fast forward two years and I spoke to her online and fast forward another year and this morning she said how much she likes me..

How much she likes "me"... keyword = me..

This "me" just an online version of me and the real me cannot interact with girls in real life, and THIS I strongly BELIEVE, is a PORN INDUCED affect.. If it wasnt for pornography I would be more confident with real life girls and not reject them when I get the chance!

I just got off facebook chatting with my 3rd online female friend and came on this forum and saw your post. What a coincidence.

So yeah, sorry for putting all of that in this thread but just wanted to share the same experience I am having. All of that in simple words.. "Yes this is some porn induced crap". It really is screwed up.  I am pretty sure that THIS IS BECAUSE OF THE ADDICTION.

I am planning on slowly stopping this thing of me getting girls online and through a screen... soon I want to go out and get with real girls, no matter how hard it will get.

  I guess we might be in the same boat.. Good luck man!!

 

[Promise]

Thanks for sharing your experience, Tript, it's always relieving to hear that you're not alone in your concerns.

What do you plan to do with this friend?  Are you going to try and not think about relationships for the time being?

I get the feeling if my German friend sent me a letter like that I'd say yes in a heartbeat.  Is that a healthy thing, do you think?

 

[Triptonicmaph]

Thanks for sharing your experience, Tript, it's always relieving to hear that you're not alone in your concerns.

What do you plan to do with this friend?  Are you going to try and not think about relationships for the time being?

I get the feeling if my German friend sent me a letter like that I'd say yes in a heartbeat.  Is that a healthy thing, do you think?

It's my pleasure to share my story. Well what I really want is to just be normal friends with her... without going into an online long distance relationship..( She is in Australia and I am from Germany,  so that's quite far) ) I just want to get into a relationship with a girl in real life(not online).

Hmmm well man I can't really decide that for you but if I were you,  I might stay away from getting into an online long distant relationship because I believe that ,  your brain will then get comfortable with relationships with less pressure. (hence a girl across the planet who you probably won't get nervous talking to,  because well she is not next to you and you have the freedom of responding to her through the Internet in the comfort of your home.. I just made a few assumptions there)     

I think our addicted brains are used to females who are only pixilated onto a screen and it gets uncomfortable with a real girl in real life. Therefore the brain probably experiences more pressure in such a situation of an encounter with a real girl.


So yah, it really sucks to be in a such a situation sometimes  :/ I suggest you try to get into a relationship with a girl nearby instead of a long distance one, through a screen or letters. (btw sorry,  English is not my main language it could get a bit messy sometimes)

 

[William]

I for one wish the information about porn addiction had been posted on the package, so to speak.  Knowing what I know now I would never have become addicted in the first place.  But, it has only been after I began watching porn that "porn addiction" was conceived, acknowledged, and accepted.  Honestly, before giving an 11 year old their first lap top we ought to require view read Gary Wilson and this site to understand how powerful a substance dopamine is and how porn gives us a dopamine high.  As for relationships Promise, something you need to know is that you will never get as "high" with a relationship a the porn induced dopamine rush.  Relationships are better in many different ways, much better, but even sex with a girl who is a knockout and who you love will not offer you as many dopamine highs as porn.  Sex with a real person can and often will be frickin fantastic, but do to things like the Coolidge effect, will never offer as many dopamine highs as a porn induced dopamine high.  But, you asked about the addiction and relationships.  I for one think the fact you want a relationship, you are thinking about it, you are thinking about the German girl is a good sign.  Why?  Because for many of us porn is more important than engaging in reality and you are contemplating engaging in reality.  That is a good sign.

Peace.

 

[Viper]

Guys, the only way you'll improve your comfort level around women and initiate relationships in the offline world
is to work at it.
I think the reason why some guys rely on the internet for female companionship is that it's easier to handle
rejection if someone doesn't reply to your interest. It's a self esteem issue more so than porn.
Everyone gets rejected including the rich and famous. So you're in good company.
It's perfectly normal to have butterflies when you try to talk to women but there's a learning curve to everything.
It's really more of a numbers game than any suave or smooth technique that you think is the key.
Truth is, there are way to many willing and able women out there and they all can't say no.
Engaging with women online who are scattered all around the world isn't the best bet with what you're
trying to achieve. Because even if she's the hottest bun in the oven, the best that you can hope for
is to beat your meat just fantasizing about giving her the love strokes.
Do yourself a favor and walk up to strangers both men and women and start a conversation.
This exercise is designed to build comfort. You're not trying to get a phone number or anything,
you just have to get used to engaging conversation with everyday people.
This will lead to ever increasing comfort with charming a woman. You just need to
work at it. No pick up lines necessary. And as far as rejection, don't take it personally.
Rejection is actually character building if you allow it to be.
Heed my words  8)

 

[Promise]

You're so right, Viper.

Still, I couldn't help thinking about my German friend today, and it made me happy when I did.  But I still think maybe I'm too much of a fantasist, and need to actually work at making my fantasies come true, and not be disappointed with reality.