WorseThanPhiladelphia
New Member
Hi, RebootNation!
I've been aware of the problems of porn addiction with erectile dysfunction for a few years now. I've never been able to consistently go without masturbation or porn for extended periods of time. There are times when I'll forgo porn, but the last time I was able to resist the urge to masturbate was a few years ago when I went on vacation with my best friend, and besides a little inconspicuous stroking, I lasted about 8 days. My most recent fap was a few days ago. Somehow or other, that evening I started thinking about this problem again, since when I masturbate with porn, I have no trouble getting and staying hard...like, really hard. I get a little OCD (metaphorically speaking; I don't believe I've been diagnosed with it), so I try to start my day count at midnight (day 0 is the date of the last fap). Since it was still before midnight, I decided on one last fap before embarking on my journey. I'm nearing the end of day 4.
While I'm abstaining from PMO, there are some qualifications. I'm avoiding pornography for its own sake, but there is an adult dating website I frequent (it's de rigeur for someone with my preferences) that occasionally has very erotic pictures that I might look at in passing, but I don't go out of my way to find them, and I definitely don't masturbate to them. I only go to that website in the hopes that I might meet someone in person. While I'm not masturbating to the point of orgasm or even edging, there might be moments when I'm very aroused where I'll touch myself briefly, but only for a couple of seconds, and generally not very forcefully. I have not orgasmed since my last fap, but I of course am keeping alive the possibility of orgasming from sexual activity with a woman (it's happened, but not that often).
The very short history of my involvement with porn: I started watching BDSM-related porn when I was about 13. I'd always been intrigued by damsel-in-distress situations, but I didn't really have the vocabulary for it, and it wasn't until a friend of mine mentioned hentai that I happened upon an image that sparked my interest. I was generally very lonely and depressed (I later found out this had a huge amount to do with my parents' divorce when I was very young), and I always felt so envious of everyone who bragged about what masturbation was like (I'd never really responded to vanilla porn), so BDSM porn gave me a way to explore sexual feelings and experience release.
Ten years later, I was 23 and had never had sex. After an extended crisis period, I finally saw a psychiatrist who prescribed me an SSRI. I needn't go into the effect that that drug had on my potency, but it did lift some of my depression and (against all odds) let me get out of my own way enough that I could finally interest a woman enough to have sex with me. It was awkward (guess why?), but it finally happened. Of course, there was a huge amount of damage that had been done in the meantime.
So, here I am. It was a couple of hours ago that I started feeling a lot of anxiety around PMO abstinence. I'm hornier than I've been in a long time without looking at porn, though I haven't really experienced the easy hardness that I'd expect to get from my horniness. I've always failed because I felt that I had so many other stresses with school and work, and I've been single for a while (very nervous about even hooking up lest I be unable to perform), so there wasn't even any way to get release the "proper" way. But I realized that there's no excuse for me anymore. I've got to do this. I'm going out now, so I'm pretty sure I'll make it to the end of day 4. In any event, I'll appreciate all the support I can get, and I'll update on my progress.
I've been aware of the problems of porn addiction with erectile dysfunction for a few years now. I've never been able to consistently go without masturbation or porn for extended periods of time. There are times when I'll forgo porn, but the last time I was able to resist the urge to masturbate was a few years ago when I went on vacation with my best friend, and besides a little inconspicuous stroking, I lasted about 8 days. My most recent fap was a few days ago. Somehow or other, that evening I started thinking about this problem again, since when I masturbate with porn, I have no trouble getting and staying hard...like, really hard. I get a little OCD (metaphorically speaking; I don't believe I've been diagnosed with it), so I try to start my day count at midnight (day 0 is the date of the last fap). Since it was still before midnight, I decided on one last fap before embarking on my journey. I'm nearing the end of day 4.
While I'm abstaining from PMO, there are some qualifications. I'm avoiding pornography for its own sake, but there is an adult dating website I frequent (it's de rigeur for someone with my preferences) that occasionally has very erotic pictures that I might look at in passing, but I don't go out of my way to find them, and I definitely don't masturbate to them. I only go to that website in the hopes that I might meet someone in person. While I'm not masturbating to the point of orgasm or even edging, there might be moments when I'm very aroused where I'll touch myself briefly, but only for a couple of seconds, and generally not very forcefully. I have not orgasmed since my last fap, but I of course am keeping alive the possibility of orgasming from sexual activity with a woman (it's happened, but not that often).
The very short history of my involvement with porn: I started watching BDSM-related porn when I was about 13. I'd always been intrigued by damsel-in-distress situations, but I didn't really have the vocabulary for it, and it wasn't until a friend of mine mentioned hentai that I happened upon an image that sparked my interest. I was generally very lonely and depressed (I later found out this had a huge amount to do with my parents' divorce when I was very young), and I always felt so envious of everyone who bragged about what masturbation was like (I'd never really responded to vanilla porn), so BDSM porn gave me a way to explore sexual feelings and experience release.
Ten years later, I was 23 and had never had sex. After an extended crisis period, I finally saw a psychiatrist who prescribed me an SSRI. I needn't go into the effect that that drug had on my potency, but it did lift some of my depression and (against all odds) let me get out of my own way enough that I could finally interest a woman enough to have sex with me. It was awkward (guess why?), but it finally happened. Of course, there was a huge amount of damage that had been done in the meantime.
So, here I am. It was a couple of hours ago that I started feeling a lot of anxiety around PMO abstinence. I'm hornier than I've been in a long time without looking at porn, though I haven't really experienced the easy hardness that I'd expect to get from my horniness. I've always failed because I felt that I had so many other stresses with school and work, and I've been single for a while (very nervous about even hooking up lest I be unable to perform), so there wasn't even any way to get release the "proper" way. But I realized that there's no excuse for me anymore. I've got to do this. I'm going out now, so I'm pretty sure I'll make it to the end of day 4. In any event, I'll appreciate all the support I can get, and I'll update on my progress.