WTP's Journal

[WorseThanPhiladelphia]

Hi, RebootNation!

I've been aware of the problems of porn addiction with erectile dysfunction for a few years now. I've never been able to consistently go without masturbation or porn for extended periods of time. There are times when I'll forgo porn, but the last time I was able to resist the urge to masturbate was a few years ago when I went on vacation with my best friend, and besides a little inconspicuous stroking, I lasted about 8 days. My most recent fap was a few days ago. Somehow or other, that evening I started thinking about this problem again, since when I masturbate with porn, I have no trouble getting and staying hard...like, really hard. I get a little OCD (metaphorically speaking; I don't believe I've been diagnosed with it), so I try to start my day count at midnight (day 0 is the date of the last fap). Since it was still before midnight, I decided on one last fap before embarking on my journey. I'm nearing the end of day 4.

While I'm abstaining from PMO, there are some qualifications. I'm avoiding pornography for its own sake, but there is an adult dating website I frequent (it's de rigeur for someone with my preferences) that occasionally has very erotic pictures that I might look at in passing, but I don't go out of my way to find them, and I definitely don't masturbate to them. I only go to that website in the hopes that I might meet someone in person. While I'm not masturbating to the point of orgasm or even edging, there might be moments when I'm very aroused where I'll touch myself briefly, but only for a couple of seconds, and generally not very forcefully. I have not orgasmed since my last fap, but I of course am keeping alive the possibility of orgasming from sexual activity with a woman (it's happened, but not that often).

The very short history of my involvement with porn: I started watching BDSM-related porn when I was about 13. I'd always been intrigued by damsel-in-distress situations, but I didn't really have the vocabulary for it, and it wasn't until a friend of mine mentioned hentai that I happened upon an image that sparked my interest. I was generally very lonely and depressed (I later found out this had a huge amount to do with my parents' divorce when I was very young), and I always felt so envious of everyone who bragged about what masturbation was like (I'd never really responded to vanilla porn), so BDSM porn gave me a way to explore sexual feelings and experience release.

Ten years later, I was 23 and had never had sex. After an extended crisis period, I finally saw a psychiatrist who prescribed me an SSRI. I needn't go into the effect that that drug had on my potency, but it did lift some of my depression and (against all odds) let me get out of my own way enough that I could finally interest a woman enough to have sex with me. It was awkward (guess why?), but it finally happened. Of course, there was a huge amount of damage that had been done in the meantime.

So, here I am. It was a couple of hours ago that I started feeling a lot of anxiety around PMO abstinence. I'm hornier than I've been in a long time without looking at porn, though I haven't really experienced the easy hardness that I'd expect to get from my horniness. I've always failed because I felt that I had so many other stresses with school and work, and I've been single for a while (very nervous about even hooking up lest I be unable to perform), so there wasn't even any way to get release the "proper" way. But I realized that there's no excuse for me anymore. I've got to do this. I'm going out now, so I'm pretty sure I'll make it to the end of day 4. In any event, I'll appreciate all the support I can get, and I'll update on my progress.

 

[qrayzHD]

Welcome to RN. I've read many times that dating websites can be as bad as porn, they can get you aroused in the same way porn can and flicking through profile pic to profile pic is very similar to porn binging. I'm personally avoiding dating websites as well as facebook, good luck with the reboot.

 

[WorseThanPhiladelphia]

Day 5

Pretty strong morning wood today. I'm running on not much sleep, so it's a little tough. I'm not feeling the sheer level of horniness that I had last night.

I often work remotely, so I sometimes do a bit of work on the weekends. That work tends to be a little dull, so in the past I've sometimes watched a bit of porn to pass the time if I'm doing something where I know I'm going to be on hold for a long time (I've kept one earbud in my ear so I can wait for the other person to pick up; that way, the person I'm speaking with won't hear any noises coming from my computer). I just finished a bit of work, and I do confess that I was tempted, but I thought better of it. (It helps that my computer's been acting up a little recently, and when it does, one of my main go-to porn sites doesn't work right.)

I feel this is something of a process for me, not just with the end goal of overcoming my ED, but more immediately to become more attuned to real women. I feel like the longer I go without watching porn, the more the images from the videos will fade. In the meantime, I'm fantasizing about many of the women I'm around; I hope that eventually will eventually segue into being aroused by actual sexual interaction.

Perhaps it's something to do with writing about this topic, but I've got a pretty nice stiffy right now, even without looking at any porn or even fantasizing heavily about the women I interacted with today. I wouldn't read too much into it, though, since there's no one else observing it at this minute.

 

[WorseThanPhiladelphia]

Day 6

Didn't notice any erection when I woke up this morning, but it was after I'd showered and dressed and everything that I sat down to work and gradually got a very hard spontaneous erection. This was actually one of those types that is pretty hard to get to go away, and it's been a while since I've experienced that. Usually I'm afraid that after I stand up, it'll go away in about 10 seconds.

It feels like the longer I go PMO-free, the more second-nature it is for me to avoid porn. However, I had a lot to keep me busy/distracted today. I've still got a nasty sleep debt, so I feel like I don't have the mental energy to stress about it too much. There is something to be said for the level of productivity I had today, though there was ultimately a limit to it. Outside of PMO and ED worries, I feel like I experienced quite a bit of BS today from a bunch of people. I don't know if there was objectively more or whether I was better attuned to because of a slightly weary mood. I did misplace something important, which has me quite frustrated.

I'm nervous about the flatline kicking in. The spontaneous erection this morning was the only one today, so I guess it's a little on my mind because of that. But I'm two-thirds of the way to breaking my old record of abstaining from PMO. When I have the time to worry about this area of my life, my big feeling is loneliness. For a number of reasons, I haven't felt able to open myself up to being more intimate with a woman. Anyway, I'm going to try to get what sleep I can in. I have to be up early tomorrow, but I'll have some long breaks.

 

[WorseThanPhiladelphia]

Day 9

*trigger warning: circumcision*

Could've sworn I posted before, but there's no post of mine from today. Maybe it got lost when I rebooted my computer.

Anyway, assuming I make it until midnight tonight, I'll have beaten my old record of 8 days without PMO. Temptation struck a little earlier (I use the active voice for a reason here) when I tried to go to one particular (non-porn-related) website and I accidentally hit the wrong address in my browser history, which started to bring me to my favorite website, but I realized my mistake and stopped the browser before I even saw the site's homepage.

I did have a couple of spontaneous erections today. One of them was in one of my classes. It was the first time in a while that I've had the problem of trying to cover up the bulge when standing up, which I suppose isn't the worst problem I could have.

I miss some of the videos I used to watch, but I'm noticing a few things. First, I'm relying less on BDSM images and fantasies. They're still present, but they exist alongside other far more vanilla fantasies. Either way, as the images of the videos I watched before fade, I'm feeling more excited by the prospect of doing things in person with an actual woman. It just so happens that I may be going on a date tomorrow for the first time in a few months, so I'm cautiously optimistic. I don't have any illusions about sex or the associated release tomorrow, and that's probably a good thing. The journey I'm on right now isn't just the utilitarian one of being able to perform, but also a dramatic overhaul of my sexual attitudes in general (I have at least a decade of damage to undo, and I feel like starting a bit fresh, without all the angst that comes from having no experience whatsoever). I'm totally cool enjoying the less intense forms of intimacy, which may not even be in play (it is just a first date, after all).

One other thing I notice is the physical sensation that arouses me when I'm not going out of my way to get aroused. I've been a bit self-conscious for most of my adult life about the fact that I'm uncircumcised. Not that I'm ashamed, but I live in the U.S., where most boys are still circumcised, so mine tends to feel like a bit of a minority experience. When I was learning about masturbation as a teenager, I learned the "death grip" technique, which might be better suited to circumcised penises (most of my friends were circumcised, and there was no way any of them could understand my own subjective experiences). Anyway, I knew how sensitive the head of my penis was, so that seemed to be the logical thing to stimulate. On the other hand, from speaking with people in the know about circumcision, I've heard that the foreskin is incredibly sensitive. I feel like I should have known that firsthand, but I was never looking to stimulate the foreskin, so it's only recently that I've observed it, and...wow. There's so much sensation, and it's not the raw sensation that I sometimes feel from overstimulation of the glans, it's just...pleasurable.

Anyway, I'm off to try to arrange that date. Hopefully that'll get me out of my own head a little.