Day 3.
I broke up with my boyfriend last month and of course, he moved out, even though, I am convinced it was the right decision for the both of us, it's still very painful, we were together for a little over 10 years, and I love him so much, we just lost our chemistry, mostly my fault for the lack of physical contact, I don't think I am very good at sex, and being addicted to porn didn't help, honestly, having sex with him seemed/felt more like a chore I had to do (because of all the prep it involves) so I was never really into having sex with him, anyway, that's what drifted us apart and towards the end, we were basically just two men living in the same house sharing expenses, neither one of us was truly happy anymore and I decided it wasn't fair for anyone, so I ended it.
That drove me (or rather I chose to go) right into a PMO frenzy because after work, I didn't really have anything else to do, or anything/anyone to stop me from PMO for hours, it's been a horrible month, I even started smoking again (I quit again 3 days ago, and it's also day 3 no PMO).
I have been so depressed for so many reasons, nothing dangerous, I am not suicidal, just demotivated, sad and lonely, I don't know if I've mentioned it before, but I don't really have any friends, my best friend is my sister, and she lives in another city and she has 3 kids, the youngest is 1.5 yo. and she has a full-time job, so we don't really talk anymore.
I've been on Duolingo learning french for a little over 3 weeks, but even that has been hard to stick to, I just feel like I don't want to do anything all time, and I just really only do the things that I have to do as a fully functional adult, I work, go grocery shopping, laundry, cleaning, I got a haircut today and I almost cried, the guy cutting my hair was talking to his friend the whole time, making jokes and telling stories and it made me sad to remember I don't have anyone like that in my life.
I don't want to sound like a drama queen, I am very good at accepting the consequences of my actions, and I am perfectly aware that my reality today is a result of all the decisions (good and bad) I've made throughout my life, it just sucks.
I am addicted to TikTok now, but I've been doing great at skipping videos that I know will trigger me, there are so many sexual trends out there now, but there are great funny videos that make me laugh, I'd hate to give that up, so I try to stay strong and when I see a shirtless dude I say out loud "trigger" and skip the video. I don't really use any other social media so I don't have many triggers there.
My main trigger is the fact that I don't have anything to keep myself busy that interests me or motivates me, and PMO was a "good" way to keep my brain busy and distracted from feeling depressed, but I do understand it's all a lie.
It's 11:24 PM, I'll read for a while and then I'll go to bed, hopefully, tomorrow will be better.