TheFuture1
Member
Hello everyone,
I'm joined the forum because I wanted to start my recovery again. I had a go 7 years ago and even had some therapy but I slipped back into denial. I certainly have issues with depression and low self-esteem which go back to early childhood. I developed an eating disorder and I'm fairly sure that I was compulsively using fantasy and masturbation to self-sooth well before I had access to broadband internet. It was as a teenager, with snatched moments looking at porn on dial up internet, when my sex addiction started. I had an immediate feeling of being out of control and that "this could go anywhere". I got into acting out BDSM fantasies on myself that seriously shocked me. I caused a minor injury to myself that I didn't feel able to seek help with for years and, as an already mentally ill young man young man, the experience of being ashamed, scared and alone really shook me up. I got access to broadband internet in my late teens and my behaviour quickly escalated. I didn't know what was going on or what to do. I felt like a sick person. I felt overwhelmed with shame and I'm pretty sure that I had a few mental breakdowns over it. But my porn use continued in spite of that.
When I found out about sex/porn addiction in 2010, it was, at first a relief but my self-esteem was so low and had been so damaged by the porn addiction that I was unable to work on recovery and I went back into denial.
But I've reached the point where enough is enough now. I want to cut out the porn use, start taking care of myself and build up my my self-respect. I'm 37 and I'm nowhere near where I could have been in life. Some of my problems are undoubtedly due to the depression that I suffered from all my life. But I may have been able to move on from those issues and address it if it hadn't been for the sex/porn addiction. I certainly need to address the porn addiction before I can deal with anything else.
I'm getting help again. I have so many regrets at being unable to make use of treatment all those years ago. I'm trying again now though and that's what I need to focus on.
I'm joined the forum because I wanted to start my recovery again. I had a go 7 years ago and even had some therapy but I slipped back into denial. I certainly have issues with depression and low self-esteem which go back to early childhood. I developed an eating disorder and I'm fairly sure that I was compulsively using fantasy and masturbation to self-sooth well before I had access to broadband internet. It was as a teenager, with snatched moments looking at porn on dial up internet, when my sex addiction started. I had an immediate feeling of being out of control and that "this could go anywhere". I got into acting out BDSM fantasies on myself that seriously shocked me. I caused a minor injury to myself that I didn't feel able to seek help with for years and, as an already mentally ill young man young man, the experience of being ashamed, scared and alone really shook me up. I got access to broadband internet in my late teens and my behaviour quickly escalated. I didn't know what was going on or what to do. I felt like a sick person. I felt overwhelmed with shame and I'm pretty sure that I had a few mental breakdowns over it. But my porn use continued in spite of that.
When I found out about sex/porn addiction in 2010, it was, at first a relief but my self-esteem was so low and had been so damaged by the porn addiction that I was unable to work on recovery and I went back into denial.
But I've reached the point where enough is enough now. I want to cut out the porn use, start taking care of myself and build up my my self-respect. I'm 37 and I'm nowhere near where I could have been in life. Some of my problems are undoubtedly due to the depression that I suffered from all my life. But I may have been able to move on from those issues and address it if it hadn't been for the sex/porn addiction. I certainly need to address the porn addiction before I can deal with anything else.
I'm getting help again. I have so many regrets at being unable to make use of treatment all those years ago. I'm trying again now though and that's what I need to focus on.