Right Next Door To Hell

[harpoon]

"I can't do this anymore" this is my head today. Rock bottom....maybe.

  I've never really given much time  to thinking about what negative affects porn has had on me, I just spent all my time thinking about smut.

  But today I feel broke, and I'm hurting. I want this to end. The negative thoughts are crippling and I can't function like this, it's not a true reflection of who I am.

  The other night I was out at a bar with a friend and his wife. After quite a few beers he said to me "you're a good looking guy man! I can't understand why you don't have a girlfriend?" I said "I'm a porn addict man, I can't beat it" he said "nah, everyone watches porn!" ...and maybe they do but I need it, and that's the difference.

Later his wife said "there was two, or three girls checking you out!" I didn't see it.

My point is that porn numbs you, zaps your confidence and it's no wonder I am alone.

Off porn, I am a different man.

Anyway, 3 of the last 4 nights have been porn free, so it's something.

 

[joepanic]

Hey Harpoon

  Welcome to the fight  are you new here  and would you care to tell us your story  how old you are  how many years of this crap have you been caught up in  For me  I am 48 and have been viewing porn for the better part of 35 years starting with playboy mags  vhs tapes and eventually highspeed tube sites  I decided 2 years ago on boxing day enough was enough    I had wanted to quit for years  but never knew it was actually an addiction  and certainly did not know of any resources to help in the fight  I certainly do now  though
    I am on mt 4th shot at quitting over the last 2 years  Ive had clean spells lasting a few months but allowed myself to be dragged into it again  I'm hoping this time is the charm (right now im on day 19 clean)  There are a lot of guys here all fighting  for the same thing....to basically reclaim their lives  read lots and post your thought  other guys will  chime in with encouragement and answers to questions you might have  we are all here to support each other  Always remember  your recovery is yours and make sure you  conduct it as you see fit  read and understand others points of view  but  do what is best for you

  cheers

      Post often it helps me it helps you

 

[harpoon]

Cheers for the reply Joepanic it helps

So I'm not new here but it has been awhile. I'm 41, this all really took hold when I was 15, so 26 years, a lifetime.

Like I think you stated, I didn't know it was an addiction until about 5 years ago when I googled how I was feeling and what I was doing and then the penny dropped. It was so obvious and my life felt like a lie.

Anyway, I found reboot nation and earlier on I have some results and felt like a new man. I started a new job, felt great and shortly after relapsed, then I went 60+ days clean, relapsed, 70+ days clean and then just relapsed and accepted I was a porn junkie.

Last night after my post I just went to bed and woke up with 1 day free. 4 out the last 5 days have been clean so there is hope.

But under all this mess I'm quite a positive and happy guy and I want that back, and at times I still have this happiness and drive and can be unstoppable.

So I'm not going to spend my days thinking about 'cake' I'm just going to do what I do and that's exercise.

If you think about 'cake' all day, eventually if you see a piece of cake you'll eat it. (I just caught 5mins of a diet show on tv, but it made sense to me)

 

[joepanic]

Yes  break old patterns 1st  build on small victories  and dont dwell on the past(thats the hard part for me    I have had this addiction since i was 15 and im now 48  a long time  I wish I had recognized it as an addiction 15-20 years ago  If only i had found the resources back than              Guess its better late than never  so now i even go to my old chat rooms and tell people my story and some have asked me  for advice  i dont play councillor but i point them to this forum and YBOP

    cheers

  Post often it helps me it helps you

 

[harpoon]

I'm pretty confident today will be porn free, I've decided that. What about tomorrow? I don't know. Why? well because I know that urge will come, the 7-day itch that can get you at at any time. Then your vulnerable.

All I can do atm is avoid, do not engage is anything, live like a monk, keep busy, I want one week free.

 

[joepanic]

7 days  the phycological 1 week  mark

                  do everything you can  tell yourslf that today really matters  one of my really unorthodox  tactics was I went in my car to run a few errands and  while i was in the thick of traffic I yelled at the stop of my voice  "i will beat porn  I will win  no more porn for this guy "  or something along that line  I honoustly think it really helped  come here several times today and read lots or  post lots  I'll be on and off through out the day  to respond and offer encouragement

    cheers

      Post often it helps me it helps you

 

[harpoon]

So from previous reboot attempts I have learned that it's easier if you don't trigger yourself ie live like a monk, put your phone away and shut your laptop down. It helps a lot.

The thoughts that enter your mind, just let them pass.

Am I a better person off porn?? Yes I am. Feck the procrastination. Do or do not, there is no try (i think Yoda said that ha.)

But it's true. At my finger tips I can search anything I desire,  what am I waiting for?? Well I'm sick of it. Sick of the lie.

Today I win.

 

[harpoon]

I would say it's been a year since I have went this long without pmo

I have moments where i feel completely contentment and moments of utter despair. My brain chemistry is out of whack. The longing is the real problem.

I pretty much just try to keep busy and avoid anything that would trigger me.

All in all its ok, the moments where you just want to pick up your phone and go to town do pass.

So the I'll keep doing what I'm doing for now

 

[joepanic]

Good morning Happy New Years  it now 22 days clean for me

      With me it ws never a smart phone problem  can You imagine I basically got a phone i Sept 2016  and Im 48

    Yes I found in the beginning it was a take it one day at a time  now I look for short goals with a reason ie  it will be only another 4 days till Christmas and that will make 14 days  than only a week till New years and that will make 21  now its just 10 days till a whole month clean  and tell myself im 33% of the way there I found this really helped  Instead of "ill have quit porn by my birthday  I say  on my birthday I will have been x days clean  and thats only x days away  I am trying not to think of porn in blah blah blah  but rather  I made htes memerable victores  again this to me was breaking patterns  instead of waiting till a certain point I  just lstarted and looked for a certain point that was easy to reach and called it a victory  Hope this makes sense

    Cheers

    Post often it helps me it helps you