One Day at a Time Journal

[J000123757]

I think that is true Blue Heron, thank you.

Day 14

Today was a good day. I had fun chatting with some friends and appreciated time with new friends as well. Tonight I am feeling some urges to look at women on my phone and objectify them as I?m scrolling. I am going to get ready for bed as soon as I post this which is a good start for me. I am also quite tired and looking forward to good sleep before a travel day tomorrow.

I have noticed that I am feeling more emotions during the reboot, or I am at least recognizing them. Today I felt anxiety about my work future but was able to say it out loud with someone with me in the car which helped a lot. I was also able to reason through it.

I do hope the anxiety slows down a bit. I also keep getting intruding thoughts about my ex girlfriend. While it?s not unusual that she may come to mind necessarily, the past week has been particularly noticeable. I forget that long term healing and nostalgia is part of the break up process.

One day at a time has been a helpful mantra and I plan on using it in the future. I appreciate the self-confidence that comes with sobriety and want to continue the difficult work of prioritizing my reboot.

 

[J000123757]

Day 15

I had a good day of travel today. Things went smoothly and I had a great conversation with someone on the plane. I am experiencing some depression and anxiety symptoms tonight and I am beginning to wonder whether or not it is associated with my reboot or not. I have not gone without PMO for this long in 2 years (typically reboots last about 6-10 days) and so I assume this may be part of it. I am still encouraged by the rawness of my emotions since it seems sobriety has allowed me to feel more clearly than before. It may be harder this way but it is less confusing than giving in.

I remember that if I want to have high self-respect I should be doing respectable acts. Going through this reboot will allow me to see myself more clearly which will cause me to be more humble and more confident, both of which make me a better person and better person to be around. I anticipate the fruits of this struggle being a more wholesome me.

For tonight, I am tired, anxious about going back to school, and tempted. I am exhausted from traveling. I am nervous about the amount of work I have for this semester and how difficult it is to learn a new language. I am tempted to PMO as my brain is lying to me telling me I have worked hard and deserve to objectify women through PMO as a reward. I know my brain is starting to panic a bit for positive affirmation, excitement, and self-esteem - all of which do happen with pornography. Yet, all those feelings get taken away the moment I wake up tomorrow and realize the dopamine rush I felt has now given way to dread and the feeling of ?not again? that will last all day. I would be worrying if I am disqualifying myself from future happiness, and if it?s better that I am single  in the future because of this.

Instead, I will finish the night strong just like I began it. I will work on my language work and then go to bed and cuddle with God who is there to show affection. I know I am extremely tempted right now and asking for help outside of myself. The goal for the next few hours is to do the work I want to do and go to bed early.

 

[J000123757]

Day 16

Today was pretty lazy. I started the day off well which I am proud of. My spirits were generally up as well which I?m grateful for as well. I am looking forward to the evening spending time with my grandmother I hardly see. We have a tendency to bicker about our political differences as a way to love and connect, but I hope we find a better way tonight.

I am close to leaving to back to school and I know I?ll be tempted before I go back. To give into PMO usually means staying up very late and being a pain to be around the next day or so. Here?s to sobriety for today!

 

[BlueHeronFan]

Sounds like you're still moving along well. I know exactly what you mean about the strong emotions. I never realized until recently how much I was anesthetizing myself from my own emotions through my addiction. Once you get some distance from porn, it's like all the emotions come flooding back in, and it can be a little overwhelming. I don't really have advice, but it's always helpful to know it's not just me.

Keep pushing forward!

 

[J000123757]

Day 1

Back at it. I have wanted to start up again but the school schedule was tight.

Quarantine is a huge challenge for everyone I?m sure. It has deeply effected my sleeping which makes it harder to reject the thoughts that PMO will help me sleep. In truth, it doesn?t really help me sleep I just go to bed later.

I hope to keep up the entries at least for the next 28 days before school starts up again. Cheers to day 1!

 

[J000123757]

Day 2

Last night I got plenty of rest and feel encouraged today. I am implementing a new rhythm of life I aim to adhere to as seriously as one can in a season like this. I?m encouraged to have friends around me. About to head to an unofficial support group.

***if anyone knows of an open, online PAA group would you mind posting it?

 

[J000123757]

Day 3

I?m feeling good about the rhythm of life I am in. My sleep has been better for 2 nights in a row now.

Yesterday I was around friends and one of the sisters of the friends was there who I find incredibly attractive. It is tempting because she has made respectful but flirty advances. I am not tempted to hookup with her since there are so many consequences. I would lose a lot of respect at my school and most importantly she would be reaffirmed that her body Isherwood most valuable currency. -something she already struggles with.

So, the greatest temptation is to fantasize about her in my head, try and have her be more attracted to me, and PMO when I get home. I recognize the fetishizing and objectification involved with this sort of way of life and I don?t want to do that anymore. I want to e the kind of person who re ignites that someone is attractive and attracted to me, and if it?s not a good relationship to get involved in, I can simply recognize the tension and move past it. 

Yesterday, I think I mostly accomplished that goal. Today I hope to do the same.

Day 3 is normally an easy day for me but it seems my brain is more starved for dopamine due to the pandemic. I will be keen on getting out of the house today and working out.

 

[J000123757]

Day 4

Today I?m starting a little slower than normal which is okay. My friends sister has left for a few days which I am glad to not have to more consistently deal with those temptations at the moment. I am already feeling consistent thoughts about PMO. My brain has been wired this way for so long that starving it will be very difficult. In a day or two I should start to feel more acute pulls to PMO and today is the day I typically start tempting myself with pictures, or unchecked fantasies, etc.

Today my goal is to be in control of my thought life. When a thought inevitably comes up I will acknowledge it, thank God for sexual desire and for the ability hold off on it, then change thoughts.

 

[Jeks]

Against fantasizing i try to focus on my surroundings and try to think about stuff i see around me. For example when seeing a cup, i think about how a cup is made, what i can drink out of it, maybe tea, what types of tea do i like, what types of tea do i dont like, why is that, maybe there are bitter, what else has a bitter taste... You see where this is going. I try to think about other stuff until i feel like i passed the "rabbit hole" (its called the rabbit hole technique, i have got it from the " brain rebalanced radioshow" on youtube).
Its called rabbit hole, because when you start to scoop around in it too much, you loose yourself. So following this analogy it is important to apply this technique as soon as you become aware of triggering thoughts and fantasy. The more you dwell on those, the more difficult it will become to get out of the rabbit hole, which ultimately can lead to stronger cravings and potential relapsing.

Wish you the best of luck.

 

[jhonjordan]

Hi!!

Most importantly, you are trying again. I know you will achieve your goal of 28 days !!

 

[J000123757]

Thanks Jeks I?m going to try that for sure.

I appreciate the support J Jordan.

 

[J000123757]

Day 5

Today was a good day. I had less on my plate and took the time to rest and catch up with friends. Order in my schedule has become more and more important.

A mixture of the lack of touch cause of pandemic and a commitment to nofap likely is causing me to long for more physical touch than normal. I find myself wanting to simply touch or cuddle up with friends much more than normal. I?m glad to have those desires I?m sorry they can?t be met now.

I know this could be a trigger to try and run from unmet desires with porn. Of course, PMO won?t actually give me what I want I know it will simply numb the personal realities of life. It feels very human to want physical touch and I am glad to experience that.

I look forward to a FaceTime I have tomorrow with a mentor and also spending time with friends. Cheers to another day!

 

[J000123757]

Day 6

Today was a great day. I had a good call with some friends and was able to spend time with more. I am really recognizing how crucial meeting up with friends in person can be. My day is easier to fill up and I feel connected and more hopeful which counteracts my normal triggers of sadness, hopelessness, and acute self-criticism.

I am aware the one week mark is usually when my brain starts lying to me that I need PMO to be normal again. It is also a time when I can be overly confident and forget the basics (don?t scroll to people?s profiles, don?t look at Twitter mindlessly, etc).

Today I am grateful for friendship and another day of no-fap. I am hoping that tomorrow I may rise to any occasion that comes my way and do one more day.

 

[J000123757]

Day 7

Today was a great day. Maybe one of the least tempting days I?ve had in awhile because I was so busy and always with people.

However, I said something that made a friend upset at night. I talked through it with my roommate and it doesn?t sound like I was wrong but some reconciliation is in order. That is both stressful and potentially triggering if it does not go well. When I have had relational stress and especially if I feel someone is being unreasonable or placing more blame on me than is truthful then I can experience triggers to simply escape the complicated situation or the uncomfortable feelings.

I hope the conversation does take place tomorrow and we are both reasonable, honest, and truthful. I hope even if she does not respond in ways I wish then I can recognize I did my best and leave the outcome to her.

 

[J000123757]

Day 8

Today was a good day. I again had plenty of time with friends and when I was feeling the beginning points of sadness I reached out to a friend and was able to get time with them. Also, the hard conversation I had with someone went very well. They were receptive and honest and aap quite humble. I am grateful for that.

With the murder of George Floyd I am experiencing some stress and more than enough frustration that is being built up from friends? social media posts especially. My ptsd symptoms can lead me to wa t to escape and I felt that desire tonight. Thankfully it was so late that I couldn?t really PMO without staying up super late.

Tomorrow I?m going to an action and I hope I can stay self-regulated while there. I think I can.
I am shocked by how little I?ve been tempted in the past week, but much of that is due to my constant interactions with friends I know. The challenges are still there and it?s very important not to get overly confident around this time. Cheers to one more day though!

 

[J000123757]

Day 9

Today was a hard day. I went through much more stress and some ptsd symptoms while planning an event and being around others who were clearly frazzled by the George Floyd?s murder and the continual uprising in Minneapolis. I was extremely tempted to just give in and look at porn to get out of the stress.

I believe I would have PMO?d if I did not have a dinner with friends scheduled. Instead of looking at porn I worked out. I get much more relaxed afterwards and was able to be present for a friend who needed help.

I am really seeing how crucial friendships are for my sobriety. Not just that I feel appreciated, which does help, but also that my schedule is full and I can?t look at porn when I am around people. It has been so vital over the past 9 days to simply have events I have to go to. While today was extremely trying, it was a clean day. I am very grateful for this day because it could have so easily been wasted with hours of PMO and hiding.

 

[J000123757]

Day 12

I am feeling tempted at least once a day to PMO. Thankfully I have simply been too busy and always around other people. I have wanted to self-isolate and retreat back to watch porn. In the moment it does feel like it would be more fun. I am also feeling a bit more confident generally as I feel more in control of My urges. I hope for one day more. I will be out protesting all day so my work is to recover emotionally afterwards without porn.

 

[Sanders]

Hey,

I just saw that you were asking for an online PAA group. https://pornaddictsanonymous.org/ is pretty good, it has similar journalling as here and there's a couple of ZOOM and call meetings every week.

Anyways, good you're on track and that you've acknowledged the power of people around you. All the best!

 

[J000123757]

Thank you!!!!

Day 24

This is the longest I have gone without PMO I?m probably 3 years. My brain feels kore clear and I feel more in control on my body and more in tuned with the world around me. The change is slight but noticeable. My emotions are far more consistent and I do not have nearly as many angry moments. That is perhaps the most noticeable change so far.

I am extremely tempted still. I find myself wanting pretty badly to look at porn. Mostly it comes in less strong waves than before and leaves rather quickly, but they are very much still there. I attribute the majority of my success to the fact that my life has been busy with travel for protests and I have been staying with friends and around friends until late at night. That makes a huge difference. There is almost no nights in this recent streak where I have been alone before 9 or 10. Also, staying with friends means I?m pretty incentivized to not look at porn.

Tonight I?m at a friends house and am very tempted to look at some partial nudity or at least sexually suggestive material online. I don?t think I earned it I just feel such a craving. Instead, I?m going to get ready for bed and cut on a video and drift to sleep. I?ll be proud I did that in the morning.

Cheers to another day. One day at a time.

 

[J000123757]

Day 2

I relapsed 2 days ago. I was tired physically and emotionally and had not taken care to do morning and evening prayer which really centers me. I?m a little discouraged bc I feel like my brain reverted right back to where it was before the 25 day streak. I am back to the one day at a time attitude and am hopeful that I can go today without PMO.