DamienP
Member
This got way out of hand as I was writing it, lol. So here's some guides for your comfort:
* = Essential paragraphs
+ = Some scary borderline pedophilia development (and reversal)
*Hey. I'm not sure how to start this, but in summary, I figured I want to put this out somewhere, instead of writing it for myself. I'm gonna go fully detailed about my life around sex, so feel free to skip around if you don't feel like reading it all. But I do want to get everything out, since I haven't really told the full story to anyone.
I'm currently 21. When I hit puberty, I was in an environment that made me quite socially awkward. I was always the best student in the schools I attended to, I was smart since I was very little, and thanks to my parents' constant validation I never had any serious self esteem issues... Or I didn't think I had them. I was of course very confident in my intelligence... But I was very sexually repressed. I spent my first 3 or 4 teen years pretending I didn't like the sexy pictures every guy in class looked at. And since I was socially awkward, once I felt people had that impression of me, it was VERY difficult to change. I felt people would judge me. And why would I risk that? I didn't have any good friends either. A city boy studying in a really small (80 students total) countryside school ended up in me not clicking with pretty much anyone. This didn't help either. As a result, I was awkward with girls for all of my teens. I have never had a girlfriend to this day, and my first kiss was less than a year ago. But my sexual urges were there, always.
* I remember that when I was about 10 or 11, my parents gave me the porn talk. They are quite liberal with sexuality, and I had read a ton of sex ed many years earlier, but porn was a newcomer into my life. My parents explained to me how the porn industry is a dirty mess, how it has moral implications to watch porn, and why I shouldn't do so... But when hormones started hitting me, it all meant nothing.
I remember the time when I first came. I even know the exact date, because I remember I was 13, and going to my first concert with an aunt. I was left alone in the house for about an hour before I had to go. I did whatever felt right as I watched a striptease video. Then there was a bit of a mess. I had serious phimosis, so that prevented me from escalating too much until I spoke with my parents to finally get it fixed. But from then on, I jerked off to porn everytime I'd get the chance. Fortunately, for a good chunk of this time, my PC had parental controls, and smartphones weren't really even a thing yet, so even though I used porn when I found myself alone at home (by finding out the password of my parent's PC), I usually couldn't get access to it though, so I jerked off to fantasies in the shower, every day. But then my parents bought laptops, didn't password protect them because I guess I was old enough, and started leaving the house more often. Videos became the norm. I was about 15.
* When I was 16 I got really close to having a girlfriend (I blew it because I was super dishonest), but this made me very insecure about sex. So I started searching, and clicking on the ads on porn sites about getting a huge dick and horse-like stamina. Fortunately, one of these secret-divulging ex-pornstars had a name in one of his newsletters, that for some weird reason I found interesting: Alex Allman. Now this guy is basically a sex coach who has expanded into the dating and masculinity territories in the last few years, but when I found him, he focused on sex. I binge watched his whole youtube channel. Imma go ahead and recommend this guy if any of you wants some bedtime advice. I might be a virgin, but I always have been smart, and not easy to fool. And from all of the sex coaches and stuff I found, Alex is the only one who has kept my respect and admiration until this day, through pure internal consistency, honesty and downright common sense. But the thing is, there was this one video on his channel about male masturbation and how porn has changed it. (If anyone is curious: youtu.be/QL7e5kG33B8) This video is probably the single reason why I didn't go into a heavy porn spiral for a good few years after that. I was about to turn 17 when I saw it.
* So for some two or three years I tried to keep my masturbation as clean as possible... But I was slowly descending into porn again, and using it more and more. And when I turned 21, I probably had been using various types of porn consistently almost every day for about two years.
* Now, I'm still a fortunate guy. For various reasons I was able to not get TOO deep into porn. But my only sexual activity in my whole life has still been masturbation, and even though I think I probably don't have any sort of Porn induced disfunction per se, I am certain that porn is seeping into my lifestyle and robbing me of little precious things, and might as well have been the cause of a big chunk of my social and sexual insecurity in my teens.
* So I've decided to quit. I first found out about nofap maybe a year or half ago. I fluked a 15 day streak, relapsed to the dreadful idea of "never jerking off again", and dropped the whole thing until late november, 2019, when I came across it again. I had a very good initial 18 or 19 day streak, no flat lines, and I was starting to feel a lot better about myself. Yet, I didn't think I was an addict, and wasn't committed enough. so I relapsed, and them again and again, throughout one or two weeks. I decided to get serious again on December 29th, and had a 9 day streak. But in the last 4 days, I have relapsed 3 times. And I have now realized that, even though I am not a hardcore addict... I'm an addict nonetheless.
I am a big anime fan. This might seem irrelevant, but it's really not. You see, when you see a sexy actress in a show, you'll get a hit, but you'll lust after her specifically, and there is no porn of specific people out there. But if an anime character triggers me, two things happen: 1. I am acutely aware that there will be sexy material of this specific character if I look for it. And 2. I am controlled by the idea that the only sexual experience you can ever have with a fictional animated character is masturbating to them. So I don't have a "I'll rather have actual sex someday" escape route, because that's not a satisfying result for the specific craving I'm having right there. I am also an artist, and a big artist geek, which makes things fairly difficult sometimes, because art is full of ladies, and said ladies are often sexy, and triggering.
+There is one more thing that I'd like to get off my chest before closing off. This is a tough one. For a few years before starting nofap, I had been going down a spiral of getting off to very young, or very young-looking characters. If you know a bit about anime, you know that these are quite common. I was always disgusted with monster-tits and humongous asses. I never enjoyed rapey or hardcore videos. So when my tastes escalated, they escalated by me starting to get aroused more and more by the innocence of younger girls. I had justified it with the fact that I was just "recently" a 13 year old, naturally attracted to other 13 year-olds. I had justified it with them being only drawings. But I did have a growing fear: I was starting to get aroused by actual underage girls I knew, down to 10 y/o... I never did anything remotely illegal or immoral, not in life or on the web, but this was a demon that was starting to actually scare me.
+Well... I got rid of it... Absolutely gone, after only one month of recovery. I am insanely happy and relieved about this. I of course still have sexual cravings, but none of them contain underage-looking characters or people. And of course I still get aroused by women... But not by girls under 15. What actually made all of this click was a reddit post I recently read, about the story of a confessed pedophile that got arrested for child porn... And the way he described developing his pedophilia looked creepily familiar to the way I was wiring my arousal myself... I now suspect that this is a thing that carries away these people. They start to look at 18+ teens for the exciting adrenaline rush of the "jailbait" factor. And they spiral down into disaster. Some people develop a fetish for monster tits. I suspect pedophiles develop their fetish in this way too... The problem is what this fetish implies. And it's at the same time sad and comforting to see that maybe, all of these people could have stopped themselves from developing what probably is the worst paraphilia out there, just by exercising some basic abstinence. Fuck, maybe nofap could even solve pedophilia of all things... And though that might be a wild claim, I wouldn't be too quick to discard it.
+I've come to realize now, pretty much as I am writing this, that I was in a worse state of addiction than I though. And I am damn glad I decided to give reboot a try.
* So anyways, here I am. I am trying to figure out the best way to keep working on my recovery. I have decided not to get too worked up over my streak, since that is a bit of a double edged sword. It helps me when I'm doing well, but relapses make me feel like I'm back to the start, and drain my motivation quite badly.
* I am going to try to do one thing I feel might help a lot: Leave the room when I start getting triggered. All of my relapses have been due to me sitting and trying to reason myself out of my urge... And losing.
* So this might work well. We're going to see. I'm also hanging out with a girl, and things are looking up. But that's not necessarily the topic here, so I won't elaborate.
Well that's a mouthful, holy crap.
I'm going to do my best to keep this thread updated (of course, no more long-ass posts like this one). And I hope all of you have a great journey along with me and the rest of us!
* = Essential paragraphs
+ = Some scary borderline pedophilia development (and reversal)
*Hey. I'm not sure how to start this, but in summary, I figured I want to put this out somewhere, instead of writing it for myself. I'm gonna go fully detailed about my life around sex, so feel free to skip around if you don't feel like reading it all. But I do want to get everything out, since I haven't really told the full story to anyone.
I'm currently 21. When I hit puberty, I was in an environment that made me quite socially awkward. I was always the best student in the schools I attended to, I was smart since I was very little, and thanks to my parents' constant validation I never had any serious self esteem issues... Or I didn't think I had them. I was of course very confident in my intelligence... But I was very sexually repressed. I spent my first 3 or 4 teen years pretending I didn't like the sexy pictures every guy in class looked at. And since I was socially awkward, once I felt people had that impression of me, it was VERY difficult to change. I felt people would judge me. And why would I risk that? I didn't have any good friends either. A city boy studying in a really small (80 students total) countryside school ended up in me not clicking with pretty much anyone. This didn't help either. As a result, I was awkward with girls for all of my teens. I have never had a girlfriend to this day, and my first kiss was less than a year ago. But my sexual urges were there, always.
* I remember that when I was about 10 or 11, my parents gave me the porn talk. They are quite liberal with sexuality, and I had read a ton of sex ed many years earlier, but porn was a newcomer into my life. My parents explained to me how the porn industry is a dirty mess, how it has moral implications to watch porn, and why I shouldn't do so... But when hormones started hitting me, it all meant nothing.
I remember the time when I first came. I even know the exact date, because I remember I was 13, and going to my first concert with an aunt. I was left alone in the house for about an hour before I had to go. I did whatever felt right as I watched a striptease video. Then there was a bit of a mess. I had serious phimosis, so that prevented me from escalating too much until I spoke with my parents to finally get it fixed. But from then on, I jerked off to porn everytime I'd get the chance. Fortunately, for a good chunk of this time, my PC had parental controls, and smartphones weren't really even a thing yet, so even though I used porn when I found myself alone at home (by finding out the password of my parent's PC), I usually couldn't get access to it though, so I jerked off to fantasies in the shower, every day. But then my parents bought laptops, didn't password protect them because I guess I was old enough, and started leaving the house more often. Videos became the norm. I was about 15.
* When I was 16 I got really close to having a girlfriend (I blew it because I was super dishonest), but this made me very insecure about sex. So I started searching, and clicking on the ads on porn sites about getting a huge dick and horse-like stamina. Fortunately, one of these secret-divulging ex-pornstars had a name in one of his newsletters, that for some weird reason I found interesting: Alex Allman. Now this guy is basically a sex coach who has expanded into the dating and masculinity territories in the last few years, but when I found him, he focused on sex. I binge watched his whole youtube channel. Imma go ahead and recommend this guy if any of you wants some bedtime advice. I might be a virgin, but I always have been smart, and not easy to fool. And from all of the sex coaches and stuff I found, Alex is the only one who has kept my respect and admiration until this day, through pure internal consistency, honesty and downright common sense. But the thing is, there was this one video on his channel about male masturbation and how porn has changed it. (If anyone is curious: youtu.be/QL7e5kG33B8) This video is probably the single reason why I didn't go into a heavy porn spiral for a good few years after that. I was about to turn 17 when I saw it.
* So for some two or three years I tried to keep my masturbation as clean as possible... But I was slowly descending into porn again, and using it more and more. And when I turned 21, I probably had been using various types of porn consistently almost every day for about two years.
* Now, I'm still a fortunate guy. For various reasons I was able to not get TOO deep into porn. But my only sexual activity in my whole life has still been masturbation, and even though I think I probably don't have any sort of Porn induced disfunction per se, I am certain that porn is seeping into my lifestyle and robbing me of little precious things, and might as well have been the cause of a big chunk of my social and sexual insecurity in my teens.
* So I've decided to quit. I first found out about nofap maybe a year or half ago. I fluked a 15 day streak, relapsed to the dreadful idea of "never jerking off again", and dropped the whole thing until late november, 2019, when I came across it again. I had a very good initial 18 or 19 day streak, no flat lines, and I was starting to feel a lot better about myself. Yet, I didn't think I was an addict, and wasn't committed enough. so I relapsed, and them again and again, throughout one or two weeks. I decided to get serious again on December 29th, and had a 9 day streak. But in the last 4 days, I have relapsed 3 times. And I have now realized that, even though I am not a hardcore addict... I'm an addict nonetheless.
I am a big anime fan. This might seem irrelevant, but it's really not. You see, when you see a sexy actress in a show, you'll get a hit, but you'll lust after her specifically, and there is no porn of specific people out there. But if an anime character triggers me, two things happen: 1. I am acutely aware that there will be sexy material of this specific character if I look for it. And 2. I am controlled by the idea that the only sexual experience you can ever have with a fictional animated character is masturbating to them. So I don't have a "I'll rather have actual sex someday" escape route, because that's not a satisfying result for the specific craving I'm having right there. I am also an artist, and a big artist geek, which makes things fairly difficult sometimes, because art is full of ladies, and said ladies are often sexy, and triggering.
+There is one more thing that I'd like to get off my chest before closing off. This is a tough one. For a few years before starting nofap, I had been going down a spiral of getting off to very young, or very young-looking characters. If you know a bit about anime, you know that these are quite common. I was always disgusted with monster-tits and humongous asses. I never enjoyed rapey or hardcore videos. So when my tastes escalated, they escalated by me starting to get aroused more and more by the innocence of younger girls. I had justified it with the fact that I was just "recently" a 13 year old, naturally attracted to other 13 year-olds. I had justified it with them being only drawings. But I did have a growing fear: I was starting to get aroused by actual underage girls I knew, down to 10 y/o... I never did anything remotely illegal or immoral, not in life or on the web, but this was a demon that was starting to actually scare me.
+Well... I got rid of it... Absolutely gone, after only one month of recovery. I am insanely happy and relieved about this. I of course still have sexual cravings, but none of them contain underage-looking characters or people. And of course I still get aroused by women... But not by girls under 15. What actually made all of this click was a reddit post I recently read, about the story of a confessed pedophile that got arrested for child porn... And the way he described developing his pedophilia looked creepily familiar to the way I was wiring my arousal myself... I now suspect that this is a thing that carries away these people. They start to look at 18+ teens for the exciting adrenaline rush of the "jailbait" factor. And they spiral down into disaster. Some people develop a fetish for monster tits. I suspect pedophiles develop their fetish in this way too... The problem is what this fetish implies. And it's at the same time sad and comforting to see that maybe, all of these people could have stopped themselves from developing what probably is the worst paraphilia out there, just by exercising some basic abstinence. Fuck, maybe nofap could even solve pedophilia of all things... And though that might be a wild claim, I wouldn't be too quick to discard it.
+I've come to realize now, pretty much as I am writing this, that I was in a worse state of addiction than I though. And I am damn glad I decided to give reboot a try.
* So anyways, here I am. I am trying to figure out the best way to keep working on my recovery. I have decided not to get too worked up over my streak, since that is a bit of a double edged sword. It helps me when I'm doing well, but relapses make me feel like I'm back to the start, and drain my motivation quite badly.
* I am going to try to do one thing I feel might help a lot: Leave the room when I start getting triggered. All of my relapses have been due to me sitting and trying to reason myself out of my urge... And losing.
* So this might work well. We're going to see. I'm also hanging out with a girl, and things are looking up. But that's not necessarily the topic here, so I won't elaborate.
Well that's a mouthful, holy crap.
I'm going to do my best to keep this thread updated (of course, no more long-ass posts like this one). And I hope all of you have a great journey along with me and the rest of us!
