Seeking Clarity

[OwainOwen]

Hey Brad.

I don't have the experience you're after, I'm afraid, but I did look into pelvic floor exercises a while ago as I saw it, like you, discussed in NoFap fora - mostly with regard to premature ejaculation if I recall correctly.

Yoga does a lot of pelvic floor exercises. They tend to be branded for or aimed at women, and I'll admit my ignorance as to whether they would translate exactly for guys but it's an area you might well find useful to explore. I'm probably not adding much here, but this was the first result on Google for "yoga pelvic floor": https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2aEceax_be4

I did do Kegels for a while (I ought to again!), as I had some issues in this area, and also had a prostate cancer check (all clear) and this came up in relation to that.

Well done on 2 weeks, and beyond.

 

[Brad1971]

@OwainOwen, thanks for the link- I'll check it out! I think yoga might be a good option for me.  My muscles are tense pretty much from my neck to my ankles and I realized once I started doing some stretching and trigger point release that I have basically built armor around myself.  I have been "in my head" and disconnected from my body for so long that I basically stopped feeling my body.  Therefore all the tension has built up and left me inflexible and in chronic pain.  I need to break down the armor and wake my muscles up again so that I can move through the pain and restore some normal function.

I dug out a book I bought years ago called "Somatics". It is a form of movement therapy that helps restore normal muscle tone and function.  I'm going to start that in addition to the stretching and trigger point release.  Also,  a word of warning: if anyone decides to start releasing trigger points,  go slow. I was too aggressive and was in pain for 2 days afterwards.

Day 21, porn free. I had a really vivid dream last night about watching porn.  I had to think for a minute when I woke up just to make sure it hadn't actually happened.  Overall my background level of arousal has gone down significantly and for the last few days I have been distracted enough not to think too much about porn.

I signed a lease on a small office/studio space yesterday so soon I will be able to start seeing private clients.  That is giving me a lot to focus on. I am also challenging myself to do more regular design work so I can translate some of this excess sexual energy into my creativity. We'll see how that goes. It will require me to form some new habits,  which we all know can be really difficult.

I hope everyone else is doing well.

 

[Brad1971]

I messed up this week.

Although I have been avoiding porn, I was in what I have read is sometimes called "easy mode". I decided to not eliminate masturbation entirely,  but to let my body find a different relationship to it once porn was no longer artificially elevating my libido.  And it was working.  I was masturbating about every 4 days, mindfully to sensation only without any fantasy,  and my sexual function was improving.  My erections were good and my anhedonia was improving (sensation of orgasm with ejaculation went from 0/10 to about 5 or 6 out of 10). All in all I was pleased with the way the reboot was progressing.  (Also,  I know easy mode is controversial and the source of debate,  which I wanted to stay out of,  but it is important to understanding my process now so I'm mentioning it.)

A couple of days ago I learned that I was being taken advantage of at work.  I am a pattern- maker and tailor for an establishment where the proprietor has no background in sewing and tailoring.  It is not an exaggeration to say that I basically run the technical portion of the operation while he schedules clients and pays the bills.  There is one other employee there,  someone who does the admin work,  maintains the shop, and orders fabric and supplies.  I learned through a conversation that she is paid almost exactly the same rate as I am and is on a much better health plan.  I was angry and humiliated when I realized how much I had been fucked over when I was hired.

I could not get past this.  It was the straw that broke the camel's back.  I tend to be a "nice guy" with a long history of being taken advantage of and getting walked over,  and this situation uncorked the deep well of rage and resentment I have been building up for the last 20+ years.

Anyway,  last night I went looking for p-subs (my aforementioned g-rated fetish interest), but did come across some hardcore images as well. In the last three days I have masturbated twice in an attempt to shift my mood (instead of responding to a natural urge)  and predictably symptoms of sexual dysfunction have started to return.

I'm really beside myself and feeling a lot of shame.  I'm starting over this weekend,  and I think my only option is to commit to hard mode for 30 days (90 days weeks like to much right now.  I need a step goal that seems more attainable).

 

[Brad1971]

Today is my new day 1. I MO'd (without porn) on both Sunday and Monday four the purpose of trying to shift my mood,  even though I knew it wouldn't work.  Any gains I made in sexual function are gone and I'm back at baseline (inconsistent erection and ejaculatory anhedonia,  i.e. no sensation of orgasm with ejaculation).

Here's a new twist though.  I'm also having a return of non- sexual symptoms of my autoimmune disease. One of the symptoms I dealt with when I was first diagnosed was gastroparesis, meaning that after some meals - almost always dinner- food would sit in my stomach for up to 8 or 9 hours.  That symptom has been quiet for almost a year but has happened three times this last week.  Also,  my body pain has been very active.

I don't think porn is responsible for my autoimmunity,  but the ways in which it messes with my neurotransmitters may be an aggravating factor? I don't know.  My sleep had been terrible this week so I am exhausted,  confused,  and frustrated.  I wish i had better news to report.

I also started reading a book called "No More Mr. Nice Guy" which I saw mentioned on one of the PA forums (maybe nofap?). Has anyone else read and worked through the book?  It is eerie how well it describes me and the problems im facing in my life right now.

 

[Elvis on Velvet]

@HopeReaper: Good luck on your job search! The job market is a frustrating landscape after a certain age,  which is so ridiculous because the older we get the more we have to offer in terms of maturity,  knowledge, and experience. But employers love the younger candidates.  They are cheaper to hire and easier to take advantage of. I  think we are also in a time of underemployment.  Lots of people have jobs,  but they may only be part time,  or insufficient to truly sustain them.  It's a tumultuous time.

My partner is a recovering alcoholic and I know he is struggling lately.  He has some health issues,  I am dealing with my health issues, and his mom is having some issues as well (he is her primary caregiver). He has been sober over 10 years but has shared that lately the desire to drink has been coming up again.  I am helping him stay clean and trying to help him manage his stress as best I can.  But the possibility of slipping back into the addiction is always there.

I have been pondering porn addiction in relation to other substance abuse issues.  With substances,  often it is something external that has no biological necessity or benefit (drugs, alcohol,  cigarettes,  etc). But porn addiction involves sex,  which does have biological necessity - for some people - and definite physical, mental,  and emotional benefits. I agree that navigating how and when to reintroduce sex so that it doesn't cause a backslide to using porn is going to be a real challenge.  And the truth is we'll probably mess it up a few times. 

Now onto the day 11 update.  Today I am feeling a lot of shame and regret.  The feelings started last night and when I woke up I picked up right where I left off. Processing the emotions of the reboot is, in my mind, just as important as counting days and tracking penis changes,  so in the hopes that others can benefit from my process,  here comes the vulnerability.

I am feeling shame,  regret,  and depression that:
1. I never really came to terms with my identity as a gay man.  I have resisted and struggled against it my entire adult life. 
2. Because of cripplingly low self esteem,  I rejected the gay community before they could reject me. The irony is that the LGBTQ community tends to be very open and accepting,  so I have cut myself off from an important support  system.  I have never had long-term gay friends,  other than the man I happen to be dating at the time.
3. I am ashamed that I chose porn instead of a real life partner at so many critical times in my life.
4. I despair that now with my autoimmunity,  I may never have the chance to have a normal sexual response again.  The thought that "it's over for me" is unbearable to face.

Normally when feelings like this come up i push them back down... and i think we all know the most effective way to do that (porn does create that false sense of connection,  at least temporarily). Now I get to really feel them. I know that emotions are like storms, and the only past them is through them.

Good luck to all on the path.

Hey Brad, I'm following your story, and something you said here really resonated with me.

It's about going through the storms we face, and not retreating to emotional escapism to avoid them.  For a long time, I used porn as a crutch to avoid other emotional issues and responsibilities.  I got married pretty young (23), and my wife and I struggled a lot with a number of issues early in our marriage.  We almost got divorced a couple of times in the first 5 years.  Probably some of it had to do with my emotional unavailability due to porn use.  It was a self-perpetuating cycle; I used porn, so I wasn't available to her; she told me I wasn't available, and I got pissed off, so I used porn to escape.  On and on and on...

As I get older, I'm seeing more clearly that we HAVE TO go through the bad feelings, the pain, the hurt, the depression, HEAD ON or we learn nothing from it except how to hide better.

I wish you the best of luck, you're dealing with a lot, and it takes immense strength just to show up here and talk about it.  Keep going, and please take strength from me and others here who are pulling for you.

 

[Brad1971]

@ElvisonVelvet: Thank you so much for your reply, I really appreciated it.  I am lucky to have found this community.  I draw strength from the fact that we can witness each other's struggles and support each other on our individual journeys. I hope you are doing well this week.

This is day 3, post-reset, no P,M, or O. Not too much to report at this time.  Desire to peek at porn is still high,  but my libido is pretty much non-existent and the thought of maturbating seems like a chore. I'm still pretty emotionally drained from last week and in a "fuck it all to hell" headspace, but I think the dust is starting to settle.  This weekend I am going to focus on furnishing my new studio space so I can start seeing clients in March. It will give something positive and constructive to do.

Hope all of you are having a good week.

 

[Brad1971]

Today is day 5, no P,M, or O. It is crazy how non-linear this process really is. On days 2 and 3, I had no energy or libido and sex/porn was the furthest thing from my mind. Yesterday and today I can think of nothing else.  I've been having vivid dreams about porn and sexual situations (with varying degrees of involvement by me). This weekend is going to be really busy,  so I'm just focusing on the next task in front of me and taking things bit by bit.

I also had what feels like a really important insight about my relationship this morning.  For those reading my journal,  you may have already figured this out,  but sometimes it is hard to see what is right in front of you.  As I've mentioned previously, my partner and I have not been sexually intimate for over 5 years.  My co- worker asked me yesterday why i have been ok with it going on as long as it has.  This morning I realized it is because this situation has been enabling my porn use.

I justified porn because it allowed me sexual release while remaining faithful to my partner. However,  it was really serving other purposes.  First,  it allowed me to fall back on a comfortable habit rather than advocating for my own needs and facing the difficult conversations that entails.  Second,  it prevented me from contemplating the other alternatives: either dissolving the marriage or negotiating an open relationship.

Dating has always been a challenging prospect for me because of low self- esteem,  social anxiety,  and a very poor body image.  But also,  I'd be entering a completely different world of dating apps and dealing with the way that they have transformed the dating and hook-up culture since the last time I was "on the market" almost 14 years ago. And I realize that it is that base level fear of once again being vulnerable that led me to accept a situation that was not meeting my needs and leading me down a path that ultimately has hurt me in a lot of ways.

I'll be definitely be contemplating all of this more over the weekend.

 

[Brad1971]

Today will be a quick entry so that I can take stock of where I am.

- it has been 35 days since I last watched any porn videos or intentionally searched for hardcore pornographic imagery.
- it has been 8 days since I reset my counter after i got into a little trouble looking for p-subs and came across hardcore images (whereupon i ended my search).
- i MO'd on Saturday and Sunday evening,  but to sensation only and with no porn, p-subs, or porn fantasy. My sexual function is improving but not optimal.

Because I am able to masturbate somewhat successfully without pornography (the ejaculatory anhedonia is still an issue),  i am struggling to build a streak of no P, M, or O. I know it is ideal to eliminate all three to really give the brain a rest and a chance to fully heal,  so I am staying mindful of triggers and coming up with strategies to build a longer streak.

I had a good conversation with my partner this weekend about rekindling our intimacy, but I still sense a great deal of apprehension on his part. It will definitely be a process of slowly ramping things up again.

 

[Brad1971]

I'm back from a little break in posting. I needed a respite to focus my attention on other aspects of my life.

Since my last post I started to watch pornography on two occasions,  but both times i caught myself within a few minutes and turned it off. I realized that I didn't really want to be watching it,  it was more of an old habit pattern asserting itself.  Both times I was left with feelings of anger,  loneliness, hopelessness... pretty much all the feelings except horniness. It just feels so empty and sad now.

I have continued to masturbate occasionally,  but not nearly as often as I used to.  I am starting to find what feels like a more natural rhythm.  My sexual function has still not fully returned,  but I am trending in the right direction.  I have even had a few strong orgasms over the last two weeks,  but that is still hit or miss. That being said,  I'm losing interest in masturbation as well.  It just feels too lonely.  I've been without an active sexual partner too long,  and I'm really aching to be with another person in that way.  Sorry,  I'm feeling very raw tonight with my 49th birthday just over a week away.

I'm not sure what is next for me.  My birthday is always a time when I set some goals for the year ahead.  I realize I'm not really happy with any aspect of my life right now,  so I guess the only way to go is up? All i can say for certain is that having a real intimate connection with another person is the highest priority in my life right now. 

 

[Brad1971]

It's been a while since I've provided an update.  The lead-up to my birthday in mid-March was a challenging time for me.  I was slipping into depression because I realized how small my life had become over the last two and a half/ three years while I was dealing with the height of my autoimmune disease.  Now that I'm feeling better and my symptoms are better managed, I could start rebuilding, but I realized I had really lost touch with my identity. If anyone has had a chronic health condition (either their own or a loved one's), you may know the feeling.  So much time is focused on the act of healing that interests, friends, hobbies, etc get pushed to the side. When it's time to start living again it takes a minute to remember the person you used to be.

Also, the night of my birthday is when my state started social distancing measures for COVID19, so that made a precarious emotional situation worse. As I am sure fellow rebooters can attest to, pre-existing depression + social isolation + more free time is a dangerous combination and it led to me slipping.

Prior to my birthday,  I was still maturbating semi-regularly, but without porn (sexual functioning was hit or miss, but I did feel I was still improving somewhat without porn). Once the loneliness and uncertainty of quarantine set in,  I found myself turning to porn occasionally.  It's not every day, and my usage is not the same as it was before (I watch one scene and turn it off as soon as I come), but the improvements I did see in my sexual functioning are faltering so it's time to start rebooting all over again.

The shame over failing kept me from posting for a while, but I know it is best to just own up to it and start again.  I know for me, a large part of why I am failing is that I need a sexual outlet,  and currently my marriage is not providing that.  I did have a heart to heart conversation with my partner and expressed my needs to him. We are going to try and rekindle our physical relationship.  Even if we only try once a week, it's something and I think that it will be enough of an outlet (as well as a "rewiring" opportunity) to allow me to do a proper reboot.

 

[Brad1971]

Day 2 of the fresh start.  The rules of the game this time:
- no porn
- no masturbation or orgasm
- sex with my partner is OK if and when I can get him into it.
I was trying to do easy mode before and it wasn't really working.

I also talked to my doctor today about treatment options for my depression,  which i know is making it more difficult to stay on track. It looks like we are going to try wellbutrin since I tried SSRIs in the past and lost the ability to ejaculate about 2 weeks in so there is no way I'll try that class of meds again.

I started a calisthenics program a month ago and have been sticking to that,  and I am still doing the stretches to tone and rebalance my pelvic floor muscles. Trying to stay as active as possible during quarantine.