Working_Noah
New Member
Well hello everyone. I've been a bit hesitant to create an account and share my story, but here I am.
I was first exposed to pornography in middle school, 6th grade. I must have been 11 or so and was instantly drawn to the excitement and instant gratification that porn offered. Throughout middle school, high school, and the majority of college I was hooked on pornography, able to stop watching only when I entered into a relationship with a women, but even then I had moments where I would relapse. Not usually with hardcore pornography, but more along the lines of swimsuit models.
I was so filled with guilt the majority of the time I was watching, but couldn't bring myself to stop, the reward was just too enticing. And until college hit, I never noticed it impacting my sex drive. In fact, even in college I didn't realize it had lowered my sex drive. I didn't really date anybody throughout the entirety of it (which looking back on it may have been due to a reduced interest in real women), not until my senior year at least. I had a few sexual relationships in high school, and none throughout college (we'll come back to this later). I'm a fairly well liked guy, decent looking, and quite smart, I've also been told that I'm really unaware of when women flirt with me, so I'm assuming this singleness was largely due to my own lack of desire, probably correlated with porn use.
Once I graduated from college I realized it had been so long since I had really put myself out there and gone after a woman. So I began dating and ended up meeting an amazing woman, and we eventually ended up in the bedroom and this was the first time I realized that I had a hard time really getting aroused. As you could imagine, I was really concerned. This woman was incredibly kind, smart, and beautiful yet my body wasn't responding to what I knew I should be attracted to. I also realized that porn had been less and less enjoyable (which I was already aware of, but hadn't made a connection to my own performance yet) and that I was getting less and less hard while masturbating. After this first incident with that woman, I looked into the reasons for my lack of performance and came to the conclusion that it was most likely PIED.
I had actually not watched porn for a few weeks prior to that (an impressive feat for me, especially at the time), and decided that I finally had the motivation I needed to never watch porn again. Her and I kept seeing each other for a bit, but after the second time we were sexually intimate and I couldn't get an erection, I felt the need to share with her what I was struggling with because I didn't want her to feel like it was her fault. She responded incredibly and we kept trying for some time after that. About a month later I was able to actually get somewhat hard and ejaculate. This progress was incredibly exciting for me and encouraging in my journey, I definitely went through the flatline phase, but felt like I was coming out of it about two months into being porn free, getting morning wood more often, and actually getting slightly more turned on by sexual contact.
The relationship ended though, and three months went by. I was able to stay porn free throughout the time, but I could tell that my sexual arousal wasn't really improving. I would masturbate but I think that my arousal has actually slowly decreased again from this. I then met another woman and ended up in bed with her as well. This time I felt incredibly aroused, yet once again I was having an incredibly hard time getting an actual, rock hard erection. This left me really discouraged and afraid that I wasn't going to get better.
I don't really get morning wood anymore, I don't do a double take at incredibly beautiful woman, and my interest in flirting with them is also incredibly low. I want to have a sex drive, so I still masturbate, but It just feels so forced and unnatural now.
I just met another incredible woman (one that I'm hoping sticks around), and I am already worrying about when (if) our relationship becomes sexual. I'm once again scared that I won't be able to perform, worried that things aren't going to get better, and feel helpless. I have no desire for pornography anymore, its been almost 200 days since I last watched and I am fairly confident that I won't relapse.
I feel like when I read other people's stories, they're finding far more quickly than I am. I wonder if it has to do with the length of my addiction (12 or so years), how young I was when I first started, and the fact that I wasn't very sexually active for the majority of my life. Has my body associated arousal as something which I can only experience when I'm alone?
I don't really know exactly what I'm looking from posting all this. There is a part of me that is hoping someone has an answer to my problem, even though I know theres no one right answer for everyone. There's a part of me that wants to know I'm not alone, that it took other people just as long if not longer but they fully recovered. There's also a part of me that just wants some support and encouragement. Once again, I don't have a desire to watch porn again, I just want to find my desire for another women. I intellectually know I want it, but my body is falling a little behind.
I'd be happy to hear anyone's thoughts, hopefully I'll continue posting here as well. Cheers.
I was first exposed to pornography in middle school, 6th grade. I must have been 11 or so and was instantly drawn to the excitement and instant gratification that porn offered. Throughout middle school, high school, and the majority of college I was hooked on pornography, able to stop watching only when I entered into a relationship with a women, but even then I had moments where I would relapse. Not usually with hardcore pornography, but more along the lines of swimsuit models.
I was so filled with guilt the majority of the time I was watching, but couldn't bring myself to stop, the reward was just too enticing. And until college hit, I never noticed it impacting my sex drive. In fact, even in college I didn't realize it had lowered my sex drive. I didn't really date anybody throughout the entirety of it (which looking back on it may have been due to a reduced interest in real women), not until my senior year at least. I had a few sexual relationships in high school, and none throughout college (we'll come back to this later). I'm a fairly well liked guy, decent looking, and quite smart, I've also been told that I'm really unaware of when women flirt with me, so I'm assuming this singleness was largely due to my own lack of desire, probably correlated with porn use.
Once I graduated from college I realized it had been so long since I had really put myself out there and gone after a woman. So I began dating and ended up meeting an amazing woman, and we eventually ended up in the bedroom and this was the first time I realized that I had a hard time really getting aroused. As you could imagine, I was really concerned. This woman was incredibly kind, smart, and beautiful yet my body wasn't responding to what I knew I should be attracted to. I also realized that porn had been less and less enjoyable (which I was already aware of, but hadn't made a connection to my own performance yet) and that I was getting less and less hard while masturbating. After this first incident with that woman, I looked into the reasons for my lack of performance and came to the conclusion that it was most likely PIED.
I had actually not watched porn for a few weeks prior to that (an impressive feat for me, especially at the time), and decided that I finally had the motivation I needed to never watch porn again. Her and I kept seeing each other for a bit, but after the second time we were sexually intimate and I couldn't get an erection, I felt the need to share with her what I was struggling with because I didn't want her to feel like it was her fault. She responded incredibly and we kept trying for some time after that. About a month later I was able to actually get somewhat hard and ejaculate. This progress was incredibly exciting for me and encouraging in my journey, I definitely went through the flatline phase, but felt like I was coming out of it about two months into being porn free, getting morning wood more often, and actually getting slightly more turned on by sexual contact.
The relationship ended though, and three months went by. I was able to stay porn free throughout the time, but I could tell that my sexual arousal wasn't really improving. I would masturbate but I think that my arousal has actually slowly decreased again from this. I then met another woman and ended up in bed with her as well. This time I felt incredibly aroused, yet once again I was having an incredibly hard time getting an actual, rock hard erection. This left me really discouraged and afraid that I wasn't going to get better.
I don't really get morning wood anymore, I don't do a double take at incredibly beautiful woman, and my interest in flirting with them is also incredibly low. I want to have a sex drive, so I still masturbate, but It just feels so forced and unnatural now.
I just met another incredible woman (one that I'm hoping sticks around), and I am already worrying about when (if) our relationship becomes sexual. I'm once again scared that I won't be able to perform, worried that things aren't going to get better, and feel helpless. I have no desire for pornography anymore, its been almost 200 days since I last watched and I am fairly confident that I won't relapse.
I feel like when I read other people's stories, they're finding far more quickly than I am. I wonder if it has to do with the length of my addiction (12 or so years), how young I was when I first started, and the fact that I wasn't very sexually active for the majority of my life. Has my body associated arousal as something which I can only experience when I'm alone?
I don't really know exactly what I'm looking from posting all this. There is a part of me that is hoping someone has an answer to my problem, even though I know theres no one right answer for everyone. There's a part of me that wants to know I'm not alone, that it took other people just as long if not longer but they fully recovered. There's also a part of me that just wants some support and encouragement. Once again, I don't have a desire to watch porn again, I just want to find my desire for another women. I intellectually know I want it, but my body is falling a little behind.
I'd be happy to hear anyone's thoughts, hopefully I'll continue posting here as well. Cheers.