Hi Sparrow,
I'm sorry to hear you're still struggling. We've had these talks before, but it's okay. We can keep having these talks until we see the other side of this. Just because you've relapsed a bunch of times and it seems hopeless doesn't mean it IS hopeless. An end can, and will, come. Hope isn't about trusting what you see, because there is no need to trust if you can see it. Hope is trusting in what you don't see, because you believe in your heart that it is there. When things are hopeless is when our souls are laid bare, and we're, ironically, most capable of genuine hope, because that is when hope is at its purest form, because we hope for things we cannot see.
The last time I wrote on one of your threads I think I urged you to be gentler with yourself. I'm still sensing that you're really hard on yourself and give yourself a lot of grief. I know it can seem like a paradox to be gentle and at the same time really want to quit, but it is a balance that desperately needs to be struck.
I like your analogy to Supersize Me. I always thought of it as the old joke where someone says "don't think about an elephant!", and even though an elephant is the most random thing, because it is mentioned, you can't help but think of elephants. What are the voices that are screaming "don't think about an elephant" to you? Are you doing deep dives into porn recovery stuff and that is what is getting you? I actually stayed away from these boards at key points for that reason, and just because I was trying not to use my computer for things. I'm not suggesting you stop posting, just offering my own experience. Meditation is great, but if you start meditation each time with "I'm going to spend 20 minutes not thinking about McDonald's", then the meditation is counter productive.
Do you have some intense triggers outside of porn? I've found that lots of people who have developed acute fetishes often have triggers that can be rather G or PG rated. A foot fetish person staring at people's shoes, someone who is into animated porn seeing some anime that is otherwise quite clean, etc.
So, if you know what DOESN'T work, you can maybe work around it. Maybe some self improvement stuff that doesn't just make you imagine yourself at your computer having a porn session. Often just good, relaxing time in a completely non-porn way is not respected enough for what it is. Again, don't beat yourself up if an evening isn't spent on activities specifically to beat porn. As long as you spent it with something other than porn, you're good.
That sense of distance where you can think about porn in the abstract and not feel in the moment takes time... a lot of time. I'd been clean for several months before I had that bird's eye view where the idea just seemed gross, like an ex-smoker who can't stand the smell of cigarettes. In fact, the moment I knew I'd quit for good was one night when I was triggered HARD by something on Netflix, went in to the computer, starting bringing up my sites, and just froze staring at the screen. I had this odd view of myself as though from afar, and it didn't look good. My heart was pounding out of my chest, and I just sat there. Eventually I said to myself, "this isn't what I want to be doing right now", and I closed the browser without hitting enter to load the first site. I refastened my belt, went back to the TV and finished my show (the trigger had since passed, and the show was safe). I don't know how long it was... but it was several months. 63 days is a GREAT streak, and not something anyone is going to do without all their effort behind it. But, it isn't quite out of the dark tunnel. I promise that some day you'll get past it. You want it, you need it, you deserve it. It will happen.