Andrew1973
Active Member
Hi all,
If you want to understand a bit more about why I am here, please feel free to look at my journal. I wanted to make this post to share a few thoughts about my reasons for deciding why I have chosen to banish chat activity from my life.
To give some context, although I have been a user of porn for over 3 decades (I'm 47), the chat 'thing' has caused me particular guilt and pain. I wanted to share this to see if it resonated with anyone.
I discovered chat probably around 3 or 4 years ago (not sure exactly when). I recall the excitement that it generated in me, a seasoned porn user was almost like the first time I discovered porn itself. The anticipation (usually when I knew my wife was going out), the process of logging on, selecting a user name that succinctly described what I was there for, the buzz of the little symbol indicating that I had a message, and the filth that followed...it's a process that I've repeated many times.
I think I am particularly susceptible to chat as a medium of PMO for a few reasons - 1) I am extrovert in nature, and human contact is something that lights my brain up irrespective of the subject matter 2) I am quite expressive and articulate and enjoy communicating in written form 3) I like to please people - not in a subservient sense, but I thrive on recognition and the thought that I can please people by delivering a great roleplay etc gives me a certain satisfaction.
I have wasted hour upon hour, day upon day with this pastime. It has left me feeling:
- Guilty: although my wife knows of my struggles with porn and is super supportive, both emotionally and practically (tech blocks etc), she has no idea about this aspect of my behaviour.
- Ashamed: content of some of the conversations I've been having do not match my preferences.
- Scared: what if transcripts of my conversations were to come back and haunt me one day through some big hack - what would my kids think reading what I'd written?
- Helpless: The particular site I use, for some reason is allowed by my internet filter but I am too scared to specify it as an additional site to block for fear of my wife seeing that I've done so.
- Disgusted: without being judgemental, some of the user names that you see in the 'lobby' area of such sites indicate the type of conversations that some users of the service are having - illegal and places I would never go or want to. It feels as if you are in an on line version of the Mos Eisley Cantina from Star Wars (Google it and you'll know what I mean!)
I think you get the general drift.
However there is further aspect that I am mindful of, and whilst I participate, only increases my guilt. That is the impact on others. We all know that visual porn addiction has an adverse impact on ourselves (mental, physical problems, lost time etc), and those around us (lost time with family etc), and we also know that there are usually victims with visual porn (the drug addicted actress, the ex whose photos were shared for revenge etc) For me however, chat is worse - why? When I choose to participate in chat, it is not only me and my family that I am impacting, but the other person, and their family too. By chatting with them I'm contributing DIRECTLY to their pain, their addiction, their guilt. I'm robbing their kids of their parents time, love, support. And...the 'better' I am at chatting, the worse the pain I am inflicting.
It's the precise opposite of what happens at rebootnation - we, as the needy, meet here - we're open, we support each other, provide fellowship, encouragement. But in chat room, we meet other needy people but to engage with in a way that causes damage, destroys lives, robs kids of their parents' time and affection.
Well, for me, enough is enough. The way for me to reverse the guilt, the shame, the fear is not to change the past (as I can't) but to change the future. I'm four days clean - I usually relapse after 7-14, so no mean feat yet BUT writing this, and sharing with you will hopefully be an enabler for me making that streak considerably longer, and in doing so moving from someone that causes pain, towards someone that spreads love - to myself, my family, and this community. And at the same time, its one less person in the Mos Eisley Cantina, which can only be a good thing, right?
Thanks for taking the time to read, and best of luck with your own endeavours. Stay strong.
If you want to understand a bit more about why I am here, please feel free to look at my journal. I wanted to make this post to share a few thoughts about my reasons for deciding why I have chosen to banish chat activity from my life.
To give some context, although I have been a user of porn for over 3 decades (I'm 47), the chat 'thing' has caused me particular guilt and pain. I wanted to share this to see if it resonated with anyone.
I discovered chat probably around 3 or 4 years ago (not sure exactly when). I recall the excitement that it generated in me, a seasoned porn user was almost like the first time I discovered porn itself. The anticipation (usually when I knew my wife was going out), the process of logging on, selecting a user name that succinctly described what I was there for, the buzz of the little symbol indicating that I had a message, and the filth that followed...it's a process that I've repeated many times.
I think I am particularly susceptible to chat as a medium of PMO for a few reasons - 1) I am extrovert in nature, and human contact is something that lights my brain up irrespective of the subject matter 2) I am quite expressive and articulate and enjoy communicating in written form 3) I like to please people - not in a subservient sense, but I thrive on recognition and the thought that I can please people by delivering a great roleplay etc gives me a certain satisfaction.
I have wasted hour upon hour, day upon day with this pastime. It has left me feeling:
- Guilty: although my wife knows of my struggles with porn and is super supportive, both emotionally and practically (tech blocks etc), she has no idea about this aspect of my behaviour.
- Ashamed: content of some of the conversations I've been having do not match my preferences.
- Scared: what if transcripts of my conversations were to come back and haunt me one day through some big hack - what would my kids think reading what I'd written?
- Helpless: The particular site I use, for some reason is allowed by my internet filter but I am too scared to specify it as an additional site to block for fear of my wife seeing that I've done so.
- Disgusted: without being judgemental, some of the user names that you see in the 'lobby' area of such sites indicate the type of conversations that some users of the service are having - illegal and places I would never go or want to. It feels as if you are in an on line version of the Mos Eisley Cantina from Star Wars (Google it and you'll know what I mean!)
I think you get the general drift.
However there is further aspect that I am mindful of, and whilst I participate, only increases my guilt. That is the impact on others. We all know that visual porn addiction has an adverse impact on ourselves (mental, physical problems, lost time etc), and those around us (lost time with family etc), and we also know that there are usually victims with visual porn (the drug addicted actress, the ex whose photos were shared for revenge etc) For me however, chat is worse - why? When I choose to participate in chat, it is not only me and my family that I am impacting, but the other person, and their family too. By chatting with them I'm contributing DIRECTLY to their pain, their addiction, their guilt. I'm robbing their kids of their parents time, love, support. And...the 'better' I am at chatting, the worse the pain I am inflicting.
It's the precise opposite of what happens at rebootnation - we, as the needy, meet here - we're open, we support each other, provide fellowship, encouragement. But in chat room, we meet other needy people but to engage with in a way that causes damage, destroys lives, robs kids of their parents' time and affection.
Well, for me, enough is enough. The way for me to reverse the guilt, the shame, the fear is not to change the past (as I can't) but to change the future. I'm four days clean - I usually relapse after 7-14, so no mean feat yet BUT writing this, and sharing with you will hopefully be an enabler for me making that streak considerably longer, and in doing so moving from someone that causes pain, towards someone that spreads love - to myself, my family, and this community. And at the same time, its one less person in the Mos Eisley Cantina, which can only be a good thing, right?
Thanks for taking the time to read, and best of luck with your own endeavours. Stay strong.