Reboot journal from a Spaniard. Dealing with porn addiction and insecurities.

[TheSpaniard]

Monday, 13/04/20. Day 1

Hi all,

I'm a 25 yo guy from Spain. I will turn 26 yo next month (in may).

Well, I like keep thigs simple, so I'm not gonna dwell with my background and my full story. In short, apart from my sexlife, everything goes pretty well, at least, for the people around me: family, friends and colleagues. I work for a multinational food company (I do like my job and they trust me for some important projects despite my age) and I'm also doing my PhD in Food Science in one of the best universities in Spain. One could say that I'm pretty succesful. But the thing is that my sexlife is going really bad, mainly because of PIED and my insecurities.

Well, being completly honest, right now I don't have PIED, but I'm still struggling with porn and cybersex. I've been fighting this problem for 5-6 years (I really don't know for sure...) and, as you may know, there have been a lot of up and downs through the road. The thing is that, after 5-6 years in which I've really grown up and I've learnt a lot about me, I still feel like I'm a porn addict and I believe I have a problem with high-speed internet. I just can't stop watching (extreme and fetish) porn and/or looking for real experiences (but actually not accomplishing them) when sex thoughts hit me up.

I can have sex with girls. I mean, my erectil functions works enough. Sometimes I enjoy it, sometimes I don't. In those occasions in which I don't, I'm like... OK, I know this is good for me because sex is good for me, but I don't feel pretty much. Other times, I've had sex feeling like a lion haha.

Currently, I have a sexual relationship with a girl I don't like physically, but with whom I get along very well. I've been seeing her for 8 months or so (just for occasional sex) in order to rewire my sexual tastes to regular sex. She doesn't know about my sex issues and I try to keep her satisfied (which she claims she is). For me it's OK. I mean, I think this is a valid step in my path. In the near future I would like to have a genuine, healthy, funny and committed relationship with a girl with whom I may share values, someone I can be fully sincere and not feel judged. But in order to be prepare for a relationship like this, I think that I must improve my relationship with myself. Not just when things go well, but especially when I feel abducted by sex thoughts and fantasies. I feel like I'm not emotionally prepare to handle a real relationship with a girl I want to get involve with. If I can't control my own thoughts, emotions and actions, how am I suppose to be able to share them in a deep level with someone? How am I suppose to handle her needs and wantings if I'm struggling with mine's?

The thing is that I have a lot of insecurities. I prefer not to talk about my insecurities in my first post, I just want to point it out as I believe they are the root cause of all my sex issues. I've visited some psycologists that had helped me a lot during these years. I really value what I've learnt about me thanks to them. But I still have a problem and I think I'm the only one with the capacity to overcome it (sounds obvious, isn't it? haha).

By the way, good luck to everybody with the quarantine because of coronavirus. For me, staying at home makes this difficult because I feel lonely and disconnected from the people I like ot be around. I will be grateful to receive any constructive feedback from anyone.

Stay strong. 

 

[Jeks]

Welcome spaniard

Good choice to come here. Reflecting on your journey and others giving feedback, ideas and experience can really help the whole process.
Good luck to you

 

[TheSpaniard]

Welcome spaniard

Good choice to come here. Reflecting on your journey and others giving feedback, ideas and experience can really help the whole process.
Good luck to you

Thanks Jeks. I'm feeling positive and hopeful with this new stage on my path.

 

[TheSpaniard]

Tuesday, 14/04/20. Day 2.

Today I've been busy with my work. Working at home was something I didn't like at the beginning, but I'm starting to feel comfortable with it.

I'm feeling pretty motivated to see how my day to day goes with my journey to a porn-free life. When I think how much porn damaged me in the past... Well, I was the one looking at porn and craving for more. I remember when I was a teenager that I lied several times to my parents and friends just to be alone at home and have long sessions of extreme porn and cybersex. I would like to share here my thoughts about this some day.

But today I'm feeling well, positive and committed to all the people who are struggling a lot with this issue. One thing I think I've could managed better in the last years is to express myself to other people. Sometimes, I decided to isolate. And this only makes things even difficult.

I want to break the chains that bind me to porn. I want to stop feeling tied to my fetishes and be able to feel more joy about simple things of life. For this matter, I'm taking seriously some basic things:

• To sleep well and long enough.
• To stay hydrated and eat healthy.
• To do exercise.
• To meditate a little bit (10 minuts per day at least).
• To take care of my relationships with the people I love.

I'm reading also some stories of people here and I'm very touched by your fight against porn. Hope everyone with this problem could overcome it, have a great sexlife and be a better person for the people around him/her.

Keep on track.

 

[TheSpaniard]

Wednesday, 15/04/20. Day 3.

I'm having some urges right now. I can't focus on my work. I'm fantasizing a little bit and I don't know how to control it. Luckily enough, I can control my impulses to watch porn or look for any sexual content in the net. I hope that these (unrealistic) fantasies will go away in the future.

I don't want to fail myself another time. I don't want to feel the shame and the abduction that always accompanies every relapse.

 

[Jeks]

Against fantasizing it helped me to try to focus on my surroundings. It gives me always some input what to think about instead. For example, when i see a a key i try to think about and imagine how a key works, what different kind of keys did i posses in my life so far, there are those keys which look kind of beautiful, what makes them beautiful and so on... stuff like that. i try to focus on that, until i feel like i am out of fantasizing about porn or sex. Cause the problem is, that when you engage to long in these fantasies it gets really tough to get out of them and can really get out of hand, so that urges become unbearable. That's why you should try this technique immediately when you become aware of yourself fantasizing, the sooner you try to distract yourself, the easier it becomes. It takes a little practice and it seems a little boring and mindnumbing, but it really doesnt take long to get out of your fantasies and then you can start again to get into something useful or productive.

 

[TheSpaniard]

Against fantasizing it helped me to try to focus on my surroundings. It gives me always some input what to think about instead. For example, when i see a a key i try to think about and imagine how a key works, what different kind of keys did i posses in my life so far, there are those keys which look kind of beautiful, what makes them beautiful and so on... stuff like that. i try to focus on that, until i feel like i am out of fantasizing about porn or sex. Cause the problem is, that when you engage to long in these fantasies it gets really tough to get out of them and can really get out of hand, so that urges become unbearable. That's why you should try this technique immediately when you become aware of yourself fantasizing, the sooner you try to distract yourself, the easier it becomes. It takes a little practice and it seems a little boring and mindnumbing, but it really doesnt take long to get out of your fantasies and then you can start again to get into something useful or productive.

Thanks Jeks. I really appreciate your comment. I will try to do what you say next time, sounds helpful indeed. When urges come to me and my mind starts to fantasize, I find really difficult to focus on anything other than my fetishes.

Today I've managed it by talking with people by Skype. I had an interview with a psychologist from a local university who is doing a research on sexual disorders because of internet, and I'm volunteering to participate in his research. It tourns out that the interview was a nice way to spend my time. He was interested in my story and I expressed my thoughts on my porn-addiction, which for me is helpful. After that, I did some exercise and did a video-call with some friends. For me, trying to keep myself close to good people is key to overcome urges.

 

[TheSpaniard]

Thursday, 16/04/20. Day 4.

Just want to share a little bit of my thoughts today. I've been busy and now I'm super tired. By the time I'm writting this post it's 5 pm in Spain and I feel like I need to go to bed right now.

Also, I think I'm starting a small flatline. My sex drive has lower a little bit and I have no need to PMO. Not gonna lie, this is relaxing for me. I don't need to care about relapsing when flatline hits me. Maybe this sounds weird, but I'm OK with it.

See you soon.

 

[Furquim]

Congratulations for your today's achievements! And keep this way!
I would like to say that, in my case, I would pay more attention to the bed time and sleep quality. A common trigger to me is being semi-conscious and incapable to respond the cravings at the mid of night, due too bad quality sleeping. Although being physically tired makes me sleep well, and sleeping at night/waking up with sunlight, just like our sapient grandparents, seem just alright  to me.

Till next time!

 

[TheSpaniard]

Congratulations for your today's achievements! And keep this way!
I would like to say that, in my case, I would pay more attention to the bed time and sleep quality. A common trigger to me is being semi-conscious and incapable to respond the cravings at the mid of night, due too bad quality sleeping. Although being physically tired makes me sleep well, and sleeping at night/waking up with sunlight, just like our sapient grandparents, seem just alright  to me.

Till next time!

Thank you for your kind message, @Furquim. It really brings me strength to move on. BTW, I agree 100% with what you say about bed time and sleep. I'm trying to set a routine before going to bed and when waking up in the mornings. One thing I want to focus from now on is to keep my phone away from my bed (but inside my room, just in case I have any emergency call = it has happened). I hate to spend the first and last hour of my days  looking for shitty and totally irrelevant stuff on my phone, which also could lead me to some triggers and edging.

So, instead of that, I'm trying to read a book at night. If anyone is insterested, I'm reading Children of Men, by P.D. James. I'm reading it in english because I would like to improve my english (as you may know, my native language is spanish). And in the mornings I'm trying to:

• Make my bed (first thing in the morning), as William H. McRaven recommends (probably all of you have seen his video). This really helps me to move my ass and do something productive. It makes me focus in other thing rather than laying in my bed with my phone. This very first thing helps me to start doing other good things in the morning.
• Get a cold shower. This is important for me right now as I usually get up with some fantasies and urges (don't know why). It helps to release some energy and puts my mind into some kind of ?stoic momentum?. Probably this sounds stupid, but it really helps me.
• Write one or two sentences on a notebook. I've installed an app called Quitzilla, which tracks my progress. My first goal is to not PMO for one week. Every morning I have a notification in my phone (nothing annoying) thar reminds me that I'm getting closer to my first goal and shows me some motivation sentences (I'm not really into motivational stuff, but I have to accept that sometimes it can be useful. This really brings me some strenght to move on.
• And of course, to have a varied breakfast to keep my body healthy.

Just wanted to share this with you guys. For me it's working pretty good.

 

[TheSpaniard]

Friday, 17/04/20. Day 5.

Today it's been a pretty good day. It was a little bit difficult at morning, but I managed to move on (thanks to the routine I've just explained in my last post).

One thing that also brings me a lot of strength is to come here and post whatever I'm feeling.

Moreover, I think that being supportive with the people that is suffering all the consequences of porn addiction (or similar) it's very important to your own fight against porn. I feel really committed to all the people here. Though I don't know you personally, I can feel the struggle and all the bad emotions during this process (especially when failing... believe me, I've relapsed more times that I can count in the last 5 years).

That's enough for today. Hope you all are doing well.

 

[TheSpaniard]

Wednesday, 22/04/20. Day 10.


Just want to catch up. I did MO a couple of days ago, but it was OK. I mean, I did it conciously. I took my time to enjoy the experience, focusing in my physcial and emotional sensations. I had a good erection, I event thought that my penis was a little bit bigger than usually (no kidding). MOing this way is extremely different than doing it with porn or fantasizing. For me, it is a healthy way to live my sexuality.

I know that most of the people try reboot the hard way. In my opinion, going the hard way is the best thing at the beginning, but once you are trying to get into a healthy sexlife, MO feels OK to me as I consider it an important part of my sexuality. One thing that I want to point out is that right now I prefer to keep MO as minimum as possible. I prefer to walk before running.

Regarding my mood, I'm feeling pretty good, more in control of my emotions and more aware of myself. I love my 4-steps morning routine. I believe this is good for me. And I'm always meditating at night (+ 10 minutes). I'm taking very seriously my bedtime. Sleeping well really helps me to have a better mood and more energy. A good night sleep is key.

 

[sadb]

Hi Spaniard, I can relate to you saying about MOing is not a Big Problem when it exists alone. I too MOed in my yesterday during my No porn Streak. And while starting this Streak it is better to Stop everything. I started Nofap 3 years before when I got a breakup. During that time, I gone the hard way and was so hard and rough on myself. But that helped me to understand what it feels to live without any stimulation. It was an experiance of its own. Later I was also able to go many days in hard mode. This 3years of hard mode experimenting has given me more Control in myself and I think it was time to start to think about moderation. Like we understood what was wrong and what was acceptable. So we are not reacting to acceptable things in the way we react to wrong things.
Developing such an attitude will help to have strict Bottom Line. I was in many 12 steps groups and many 12 steppers had marriages and they had frequent love sessions but they Does not consider that as a Bad thing. Because they know sex with wife is not A sin. Also sex becomes a Problem when it done withoit commotment. Much like masturbation is a problem when it is done with pornography and with different and varying degrees of Novelty. Otherwise its an acceptable thing I believe.

 

[Furquim]

Congratulations for your today's achievements! And keep this way!
I would like to say that, in my case, I would pay more attention to the bed time and sleep quality. A common trigger to me is being semi-conscious and incapable to respond the cravings at the mid of night, due too bad quality sleeping. Although being physically tired makes me sleep well, and sleeping at night/waking up with sunlight, just like our sapient grandparents, seem just alright  to me.

Till next time!

Thank you for your kind message, @Furquim. It really brings me strength to move on. BTW, I agree 100% with what you say about bed time and sleep. I'm trying to set a routine before going to bed and when waking up in the mornings. One thing I want to focus from now on is to keep my phone away from my bed (but inside my room, just in case I have any emergency call = it has happened). I hate to spend the first and last hour of my days  looking for shitty and totally irrelevant stuff on my phone, which also could lead me to some triggers and edging.

So, instead of that, I'm trying to read a book at night. If anyone is insterested, I'm reading Children of Men, by P.D. James. I'm reading it in english because I would like to improve my english (as you may know, my native language is spanish). And in the mornings I'm trying to:

• Make my bed (first thing in the morning), as William H. McRaven recommends (probably all of you have seen his video). This really helps me to move my ass and do something productive. It makes me focus in other thing rather than laying in my bed with my phone. This very first thing helps me to start doing other good things in the morning.
• Get a cold shower. This is important for me right now as I usually get up with some fantasies and urges (don't know why). It helps to release some energy and puts my mind into some kind of ?stoic momentum?. Probably this sounds stupid, but it really helps me.
• Write one or two sentences on a notebook. I've installed an app called Quitzilla, which tracks my progress. My first goal is to not PMO for one week. Every morning I have a notification in my phone (nothing annoying) thar reminds me that I'm getting closer to my first goal and shows me some motivation sentences (I'm not really into motivational stuff, but I have to accept that sometimes it can be useful. This really brings me some strenght to move on.
• And of course, to have a varied breakfast to keep my body healthy.

Just wanted to share this with you guys. For me it's working pretty good.

Thank you for the time you've spent to reply me and leave these kind suggestions. I'll keep following your posts.
Best wishes to your recovery! Till the next time.

 

[TheSpaniard]

Sunday, 03/05/20. Day 21.

Hi,

I'm doing well these days. Work is getting hard with a lot of requests from my clients. This increases my levels of stress and anxiety, but I'm managing to stay cool. The good thing about this is that I really appreciate days off. I can take things slowly and with more joy.

One thing I'm working on is to lower the time I spend with my phone. I hate the feeling of being trapped by my phone. The lesser time I spend with my phone, the lesser risk of watch porn-related content. Simple, but yet efective. The idea is to mantain healthy habits about my phone use. I'm still starting with this, but I think I'm on the right path.

I'm doing exercise on a regular basis and I feel motivated to achieve the body shape I want.

Keep on track.

 

[TheSpaniard]

Friday, 08/05/20. Day 26.

Today is an important day for me (personal matter). I'm proud of myself. Hope this not to sound selfish or narcisist, but I really am. For the first time in my life I have my porn addiction under control. OK, I know I'm just at the beginning, but I've been under control of my emotions and loyal to the person I want to be than ever before for 26 days in a row. For me this is a big achievment. And as a reward... it feels nice not to be trapped by porn (and disgusting) thoughts. I feel healthy, and I want to continue this path.

One thing I want to keep focusing is on my phone use. I still think I spend too much time with my phone.

 

[Furquim]

Friday, 08/05/20. Day 26.

Today is an important day for me (personal matter). I'm proud of myself. Hope this not to sound selfish or narcisist, but I really am. For the first time in my life I have my porn addiction under control. OK, I know I'm just at the beginning, but I've been under control of my emotions and loyal to the person I want to be than ever before for 26 days in a row. For me this is a big achievment. And as a reward... it feels nice not to be trapped by porn (and disgusting) thoughts. I feel healthy, and I want to continue this path.

One thing I want to keep focusing is on my phone use. I still think I spend too much time with my phone.

Hi, TheSpaniard

Thanks for sharing your experiences these last 26 days. We all are happy with your achievement and it has motivated me. Let me just make some note: are you familiarized with the intermittent form of porn use that is described on Your Brain On Porn website? Read it can help you don't falling in this cycle, at the worst case.
But now is happy time. Enjoy your achievement!

See you next time!

 

[TheSpaniard]

Friday, 08/05/20. Day 26.

Today is an important day for me (personal matter). I'm proud of myself. Hope this not to sound selfish or narcisist, but I really am. For the first time in my life I have my porn addiction under control. OK, I know I'm just at the beginning, but I've been under control of my emotions and loyal to the person I want to be than ever before for 26 days in a row. For me this is a big achievment. And as a reward... it feels nice not to be trapped by porn (and disgusting) thoughts. I feel healthy, and I want to continue this path.

One thing I want to keep focusing is on my phone use. I still think I spend too much time with my phone.

Hi, TheSpaniard

Thanks for sharing your experiences these last 26 days. We all are happy with your achievement and it has motivated me. Let me just make some note: are you familiarized with the intermittent form of porn use that is described on Your Brain On Porn website? Read it can help you don't falling in this cycle, at the worst case.
But now is happy time. Enjoy your achievement!

See you next time!

Hi Furquim,

I indeed didn't know anything about the intermittent form of porn use. I've just read it at YBOP and I'm glad you told me about it. Thank you very much!!

In the last 39 days (since I made the decision of posting here because I was looking for help after some weeks of abussive porn use...) I've MOed 10 times. Probably it sounds like a lot for some people. And I indeed would like to be more in control of my necessities. In the following weeks I'm going to try to MO less, but I think that for me MO (in a healthy, concious and enjoyable way) is something good for my sexuality. The sensations are very different from PMOing. I don't want to encourage anyone to MO if he/she doesn't think that it's the right time but, for now, MOing is helping me to focus on me, not in porn.

However, as a porn-fighter, I know well that I may be vulnerable to porn. That's why I'm really grateful that you let me know about the dangers of intermittent porn use.

 

[TheSpaniard]

Hi guys,

I relapsed and I feel down...

I didn't watch porn but I do watch adult content. Not too specific, but I was uncapable of let it go. This week has been so stressful at work and I felt pressured. It's been almost 42 days with what I consider a healthy (solo) sexuality, but today I've felt sticked to my fantasies.

The worst thing is that I've felt sticked to it for hours, totally uncapable of say NO to what I was doing with my phone.

Despite feeling down, I still think there is some place for hope. I mean, I've been doing what I consider good for almost 42 days. Not bad for me.

Let's try better this time. I'll keep you posted.

 

[Furquim]

Hi, Spaniard

Basically, it happens... Sometimes we just can't avoid. But it doesn't erase the progress you've done, no way. I'm sure by now you're even more capable of discerning what steps led you to porn substitutes and you will avoid that. I would suggest you to search about and make a sincere consideration on the habit of masturbation, if it is really helping or not. Remember that the orgasm through masturbation is a really strong natural reinforcer of seeking some behaviours, and this habit can be tightly linked, within our brain, to the superstimulus of web porn or adult content, since we, as porn addicts, unfortunately associated for years these two habits: masturbating to porn. The same cannot be said for real sex.

I ask your pardon if I have been obtrusive on this text.
I wish you can surpass this moment well and send you good luck to the next days.

Best regards!