Trying to quit intermittent porn use addiction

[Furquim]

Hello, guys

First I'd like to thank you so much for keeping alive this sake. You are strong, real people! Thanks for everyone supporting and sharing experiences here.

Now I can go on with my story:

I'm a 22 years old undergraduate student from Brasil (for that, sorry the bad english), I am single and I've been strugling with porn since my 12 yo aproximately, wen I got the dangerous free and easy access to high speed internet through desktop PC.
I discovered fapping as early as 9 yo, I think. Don't know exactly when I started associating fapping and porn simultaneously. But these two practices always coexisted and led me to each time more deviant and shocking stuff, as I got hooked on my own genitallia and mirror that it has moved me to seek weird things on web, discordant to my sexual orientation (straight). It all has left me down with bad feelings many times. Now I see that I've lost the real happiness that I had in my early childhood, when, curiously, I enjoyed more the real life.
I've always been aware that pmo was harmful behaviour and always tried to stop it, due to my religious background mainly. But I suffered with the lack of tools to appropriately approach this matter untill this week when I had a binge and subsequent bad feelings and found the amazing YBOP. There I understood for the first time that I am porn addicted and my case is one of the well described at the site: intermittent use with lengthy abstinence periods (+-4 weeks to me) and hard cravings that lead to binges.
Man... I must admit it was a shock to me, but a necessary one, cause all the fog about my actual condition seems to be fading away, and reading your recovery stories made me feel that life is worth it and deserves a "major" try. So I decided start my reboot just 3 days ago, one day after the binge. As I told, as an intermittent user, the worse is yet to come the next weeks, but now I have much more tools and I'm feeling fully motivated. I can already see that my rejection of P-subs are more effective. I started taking cold showers too and I'm enjoying this so well.

My goal is get completely rid of pmo for this first 90 days, and surpass the very hard cravings I use to have at 4th or 5th week of abstinence, as an intermittent user. I really want to live the rest of my life without porn/fapping and see what it is like. I want to rebuild my relationship with God and real people, and help them to be best persons.
I'll be doing the reboot hard mode, because I don't want to engage any romantic relationship until I get clean, and I think it would be as well difficult to deal with amid this pandemic.

Well, friends, I hope I've explained it for you, even writing poor english. I'll will be keeping you updated.
Till next time! Thank you very much again.

 

[Furquim]

Hello!
It's about the 12th day of my reboot and I'm feeling mostly very nice. Though I'm satisfied with my rejection of P-subs, I'm a little
disappointed with the way world is filled with this kind of subject. Sometimes things pop up to you unavoidably and you have to automatically refuse and set your mind previously to do that. For instance, here in Brazil the TV is filled with porn subs and even the most serious newspapers pages have unsafe columns to me.
I'm not very satisfied with my usage of internet on smartphone, I think difficult to establish limits for that, because a smartphone can be easily took to more intimate places in the case of an urge to watch porn.
Till now, I'm clean, but the critical time comes by the 4th 5th week to me as an intermittent user, so I'm a little insecure about the future.
Does someone have any experiences with quitting intermittent porn usage to share? I would be thankful.

That's all for today.
See you soon!

 

[Furquim]

It's about the 20th day with no pmo.
By now, almost all night I have erotic dreams and urges to fapp, it really makes me confuse sometimes. But I noticed that, even in the night/morning, even semi-conscious by sleepiness in my bed, my mind is now much more ready to refuse fantasize about porn. I'm being able to apply the red "X" tool everytime sexually arousing thoughts come up, which is something I really would want to recommend you. It's being very effective to me.
The worse days are still coming next week, I think. As an intermittent porn user, I have already been without porn for as long as 30 days.
But this time I'm counting with the help of this amazing forum, and I'm very committed with my goal.

Thanks for reading.
Till the  next time!

 

[Furquim]

As I have expected, things are getting each time more difficult to me as the abstinence period length increases. Today, just a little disappointing event worked as a trigger to me. Now I'm having really strong and hard to ignore urges. Vivid remembrances of porn images are popping up to my head, and I'm having to make extra efforts to get rid of these images, by playing music and taking cold showers, for instance, in case the red "X" wouldn't work so well.
But I'm decided to don't let it gets to the extent of entering the path that only leads to pmo. Now I know that it's all about my brain has been conditioned to do it for years and years.
We have to be strong!

Thanks for reading.
See you soon!

 

[Jeks]

What always helped me against fantasizing is to focus and think about my surroundings. Key is to not let the fantasies get to strong. As soon as you note dangerous images, focus on your surroundings until you feel like you have passed the danger zone. Worked very good for me.
Also when the urges become super strong i always used to hug my pillow (so i was not tempted to put my hands somewhere they dont belong), as if my life depends on it (which it did). I always distracted myself with youtube and netflix and such (if necessary, install some porn blocker. It was not necessary for me though. Be careful about triggers!!!! Otherwise close it immediately.). Also napping helped, just to escape the urges for a short period of time.

Good luck man

 

[Furquim]

Hi, Jeks

Thank you for reading my journal and taking time to answer with these kind suggestions. I'll try to do it next time, focus on my surroundings. About YouTube and Netflix, the second one I don't feel safe to use, but on YouTube I go straight to the channel I like and I use to wach on wide TV, so it's hard to see questionable stuff, even though it has its own risk. Happily, I waked up much better today, with renewed power, because I realized that I was strong yesterday.

Thank you for the kind words,
See you the next time!

 

[Furquim]

Hi everyone

This night, after drinking a 12 oz glass of beer right before sleep time, I woke up in the night and, unfortunately, started masturbating on bed almost in a somnambulistic way, but when I recovered my awareness and realized what I was doing I aborted it before orgasm.
It's frustrating, but I decided  don't restart the counting, because it wasn't fapping to porn and I think alcohol played a important role in this case, since it can break our inhibitions even more in a bad quality sleeping.
The next days I'm sure I will have to be strong, because the cravings gonna be, since this episode. But I learned something from this case tonight. Alcohol right before sleeping is bad idea for me.

Till the next time!

 

[Furquim]

Hello!

It's about the 40th day of reboot. Yesterday night I unintentionally read only a little article title of a newspaper adult column, a truly obscene one. Unfortunately it's making my brain recall porn images, though I'm fighting against fantasize about it, it's very annoying sometimes. I know I'll have to be strong next hours to don't fall in the traps of my conditioned addicted brain. And I decided don't access that newspaper page anymore, as this adult column is highlighted there.

Thanks for reading.
Till de next time!!

 

[Furquim]

Unfortunately, this night, 50th day of rebooting, I woke up in the middle of the night and started fapping then I took my phone and searched for adult content, but only text, no images, and read it. I'm feeling very disappointed because, again, there was alcohol consumption close to bed time. Alcohol really impairs my judgement. I would strongly recommend you to avoid alcohol right before sleeping, you can drink at the lunch hour though.
After experiencing very nice days of reboot, today I think was relapse concerning masturbation, but about the content I read, it's really something to refuse on reboot, but fortunately it's not like things I used to watch and read and write to search for.

Thanks for reading.
I'll be thankful for any suggestions.
See you soon

 

[Furquim]

Thinking about last night relapse and reading some journals here made me realize how early the habit of masturbation came up to into the life of many of us, so as to make it seem like a "natural" habit. But I've got strong reasons to believe it's not.
I realized how ridiculous is the idea of self erotism, how it brought me to an egoistic approaching at people and myself, and how it  leads to deception and compulsive behavior, as you tend to lust for something that doesn't belong to you yet (real sexual intercourse, for example). Moreover some searches report that men of isolated tribes aren't familiar with this habit, some of them can hardly conceive that habit and find it funny and nonsense (available on YBOP). And I know how hypersexualized is being our generation, cause I remember vividly to have been seeing sensual images of people barely dressed on commercials, movies, prostitution craigslist since my early childhood and I remember how it has impressed me. Can I say I was in a "natural" environment to conclude that masturbation was naturally developed? I think no. So I'll pursue don't to do that anymore.

Thanks for reading the long text.
I'll be thankful for any comments.

 

[Doctor Who]

Your English is very good for starters.

I posted elsewhere at how porn and masturbation has been compared to cocaine addiction. That's why it's so addictive.

Your comments on masturbation being natural has me thinking. When I masturbated for the first time ever, I was hard over a woman I saw on TV, and just felt this compulsion to tug away. I didn't realise it was a thing until I asked someone about it (rather embarrassing).

Maybe look at some foods that reduce libido and urges, which you can eat as part of whatever you have in the evening, so you go to bed with less potential to wake up and fap?

 

[Furquim]

Your English is very good for starters.

I posted elsewhere at how porn and masturbation has been compared to cocaine addiction. That's why it's so addictive.

Your comments on masturbation being natural has me thinking. When I masturbated for the first time ever, I was hard over a woman I saw on TV, and just felt this compulsion to tug away. I didn't realise it was a thing until I asked someone about it (rather embarrassing).

Maybe look at some foods that reduce libido and urges, which you can eat as part of whatever you have in the evening, so you go to bed with less potential to wake up and fap?

Hi, Doctor who!
At first, thanks for taking time to answer and for the kind compliment. And about the kind suggestions, I tell you I will consider that of course.
I think I've read your experiences at your journal. I remember the time when I started trying to masturbate myself, under 10yo I think, and it was due to the beautiful and barely dressed dancing girls I saw on TV. By that time I also had a nasty nasty neighbor like 3 y older than me, that used to draw porn (there wasn't smartphones lol) and talk very dirty things I knew were wrong or improper but I got astonished and aroused on these subjects that I couldn't react, I was jus looking at, listening to and then fantasizing. I think all these experiences have their role in the development of the masturbation habits of mine. Concluding, I would say more: o think there's no "original" desire to masturbate, because what moved me to masturbate myself was the desire to have sex, inate and natural, but strongly exacerbated within myself by the influences I mentioned, but in that context, I obviously couldn't have sex, so I pursued to try to make sex without a woman. The result: masturbation, and I think this habit is indeed non-inate and abnormal.

Thanks again and till the next time.

 

[Furquim]

After 4 great months porn-free, I relapsed

First I would like to let you know the great time I had these past months. Even with the constraints imposed by covid, I was very active here in my house, making housework to help mother, talking to and encouraging  friends frequently via internet, developing new hobbies and even earning some money. My self esteem has increased, I was no more feeling useless, I was more easygoing with my family, I was more active in my religious activities and studying it profoundly. I mean, as somebody said, I was knowing the best version of myself, the one that got lost in time, since I began watching  porn in childhood. I was really seeing  the positive  things of life and getting each time more grateful to my God. That's  precious.
But...
We are all prone to fail. And in the past week I was alone at home (relatives traveling)  and I started having humor fluctuations... I read bad news and managed  to watch youtube videos of conspiracy regarding pandemics and more subjects. I was by that time trying to avoid realizing the coarse reality we're living in. To be true, I'm now upset with this pandemic and the projects delayed. I think these factors
I have  mentioned accumulated  and get me very stressed and sad last week. Being stressed out and frustrated always  worked as triggers to me, and so it happened, I relapsed two times, different days, watching some explicit videos by the night in my smartphone and fapping too. The days after that were terrible, but I know relapses happen and now I'm feeling  better and motivated to restart the rebooting, cause the benefits are absolutely worth it. So I came back to this amazing forum that helped  me to much in my first serious attempt  to get nofap.

Thanks for reading and try rebooting!

 

[Furquim]

Relapsed again tonight. That's absolutely frustrating. But I have something to say: after months without it, I felt too much self-confident last 2 days and I found well to return to social media (Instagram). Bad move. Web is window to the entire world, the good and the evil all there... Even more in social media. Sexually arousing images will pop up, you can do nothing about that, just accept and know your limits. Social media for me, no more. Now I'm sure about that. Unfortunately this system we live in, forces us to keep at least the WhatsApp. My will would be quitting, but I don't think this last so dangerous as Facebook or Instagram. But I have some contacts history silenced even on WhatsApp, for instance.
That's it, friends. The truth is that I'm broken down, but I tried to keep this text useful for you. But the truth is that I'm having a very hard time, and I'm still processing all that occurred this terrible month of September.

Hope will be recovering from that fall.
Thanks for reading.

 

[Furquim]

Since last post I felt in a binge cycle, relapsing compulsively 2 times, including today. Again bad slept night due to anxiety and frustration/depression played major role, I think. I think I will not win this battle without making exercises to help me sleep well. I started jogging Friday, but weekend came and nulled the effect.
Being 'partially" waked up and somnolent in the mid of the night is just something to avoid for me. I have to be in my full awareness to fight these enemies called pornography and masturbating to porn. That can ruin your self steem and your way to feel the life (the well known numbed response to pleasure). Depression leads to pmo, pmo leads to depression. Get rid of this as soon as you can.
I'm completely disappointed know, but of course I will not deliver myself to these life ruining habits. Giving up is not an option for me. But I'll have to recalculate my route, of course.

 

[Furquim]

So I started a new attempt in 21th of October, but it didn't last to much, unfortunately. I relapsed again this 6th of November. It was the mid of the night after a very difficult day of anxiety/depression. I've made the same fool mistake again: alcohol consumption close to sleep time and I left my smartphone by my side during the night, what is no good for me.. Also, these last days, I've started jogging outdoor and I felt very good at this, but I couldn't go on due to the weather.
But I'm committed to my goal of getting rid of this plague called pornography, that makes a bad day even more worse. And makes you feel like garbage.
So I'll be fixing these fails I mentioned during the next days.
Always try once more!
Thank you, friends

 

[fapstranaut02]

Bro, once you relapse, you will very easily fall back into the cycle, mainly due to withdrawal. Your brain craves for the pleasure and will keep on nudging to PMO again. It took me a few months before i decided to fix my life again. Please stay strong and focus, you did it before you can do it again !

 

[Furquim]

That's it, fapstronaut... Very difficult cycle to break. But I could do it for 4 months, so I'll try again, cause I miss those months in which I rediscovered myself.
Thank you for your comment, it really motivates me.

 

[Furquim]

I relapsed today... Again in the middle of the night, but now it was a true binge. I'm upset, sleepless, my body aches due to the position of using smartphone for hours watching porn this night. Curiously, the really "Me" doesn't like smartphones, I have no social network for example. Pornography makes your life a mess.
The only explanation of why we compulsively continue watching porn, despite all the bad things it brings, is that's a vice. Nice and healthy activities don't work like that, absolutely.
But... I could live without it for 120 days, and I miss those days. So I will try again.

See you soon

 

[fapstranaut02]

Hi Furquim,

http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=282.0

It's a good read, I recommend you to read it to fight against your urges.