Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
- Thread starter metal22
- Start date
Day 19:
I heard today about how a couple?s sex life is an indicator of the health of a marriage. I think theres a truth to that. Im feeling like if this is going to work, I need to step into becoming sexually healthy. It just feels so overwhelming. Its so hard even to bring it up, just talking about how I feel, how she feels and how and what we can work on together. I know because its so difficult this is something I need to focus on to improve on.
I heard today about how a couple?s sex life is an indicator of the health of a marriage. I think theres a truth to that. Im feeling like if this is going to work, I need to step into becoming sexually healthy. It just feels so overwhelming. Its so hard even to bring it up, just talking about how I feel, how she feels and how and what we can work on together. I know because its so difficult this is something I need to focus on to improve on.
imsorrynotsorry
Active Member
Hello metal22,
No one said you have to bring it up at all if it's so difficult. You can write it off here first, if that helps. I'm not sure if becoming overwhelmed by something is helping unless it's you and yourself to cause it. Please don't put pressure on anything. It is more healthy if it works in the way where you also feel good about it.
No one said you have to bring it up at all if it's so difficult. You can write it off here first, if that helps. I'm not sure if becoming overwhelmed by something is helping unless it's you and yourself to cause it. Please don't put pressure on anything. It is more healthy if it works in the way where you also feel good about it.
ShadeTrenicin
Well-Known Member
metal22 said:
Hey Metal22,
I completely understand you, we're kind of in the same situation.
What has helped me (since i faced the exact same feeling) is that I
plain out said to my wife that I find it difficult to start a conversation about it because it was overwhelming and didnt know where to start and thus what to say.
Overcoming the problems is indeed difficult, but maybe you could try to make this journey together with your wife. Sex is of course something that you do together.. So although you feel like you need to improve, it is not something you have to do alone.
And you say that it's difficult to talk about how she feels. Are you afraid of the answer if you will ask her how she feels?
I hope you and the wife will find a way to talk about this without blame and/or guilt and that you work it out in time.
I'm rooting for both of you!
Day 21:
Ugh I missed yesterday's post. I apologized to my wife, and I forgave myself, but it did bug me. I know that I have an issue with creating correct priorities in my life, and I let this one obligation get cast aside yesterday. Its not the end of the world, but it is a good indicator I need to keep working on myself.
We had some good talks about our sex life yesterday. It was really hard to talk about at first, but once we got started I felt better and more open. We ended up downloading a thing called a "sexploration list" and it was an exhaustive list of all kinds of sexual things within the christian realm. It was probably one of the most open convos we've had about our wants/not wants in a long long time. I felt like we took a very large step forward with that, and I'm feeling very happy right now. This of course is a path that I will need to follow for quite some time before I can be called "recovered", but just getting on the right path feels like an accomplishment.
ImSorry, yeah I appreciate what you are saying. And sometimes it does feel better to put it in writing before I say it. But I do believe that I have so incredibly much shame tied to sex, that I need to be able to talk about it to be able to process, plus I have a history of dishonesty so again its something I need to work through. Maybe this isn't an issue that everyone needs to work through, but for me, yes I do.
ShadeTrenicin, thanks man. I feel our path is parallel is many ways. To answer your question yes many times I fear her answer. It makes a whole bunch of emotions bubble up when I hear how I have hurt her, or how she might be disappointed with me.
Ugh I missed yesterday's post. I apologized to my wife, and I forgave myself, but it did bug me. I know that I have an issue with creating correct priorities in my life, and I let this one obligation get cast aside yesterday. Its not the end of the world, but it is a good indicator I need to keep working on myself.
We had some good talks about our sex life yesterday. It was really hard to talk about at first, but once we got started I felt better and more open. We ended up downloading a thing called a "sexploration list" and it was an exhaustive list of all kinds of sexual things within the christian realm. It was probably one of the most open convos we've had about our wants/not wants in a long long time. I felt like we took a very large step forward with that, and I'm feeling very happy right now. This of course is a path that I will need to follow for quite some time before I can be called "recovered", but just getting on the right path feels like an accomplishment.
ImSorry, yeah I appreciate what you are saying. And sometimes it does feel better to put it in writing before I say it. But I do believe that I have so incredibly much shame tied to sex, that I need to be able to talk about it to be able to process, plus I have a history of dishonesty so again its something I need to work through. Maybe this isn't an issue that everyone needs to work through, but for me, yes I do.
ShadeTrenicin, thanks man. I feel our path is parallel is many ways. To answer your question yes many times I fear her answer. It makes a whole bunch of emotions bubble up when I hear how I have hurt her, or how she might be disappointed with me.
Day 22:
I feel like I had a really good weekend. We had quite a bit of intimate time, and I really loved it. It felt similar to when we were first together.
I'm still focusing on balancing my life. So many things are out of balance but I will just focus on one thing at a time.
I feel like I had a really good weekend. We had quite a bit of intimate time, and I really loved it. It felt similar to when we were first together.
I'm still focusing on balancing my life. So many things are out of balance but I will just focus on one thing at a time.
Day 24:
I missed day 23's post. I'm struggling to find the balance of my life in which I can find time to post. It seems that I'm not really good a consistency, which is probably an issue for me in my addiction. I let other things in life find priority.
Had a discussion last night about red flags and triggers and such. I have to admit that last night I was exhibiting my old self-focused behavior, which was disappointing. My wife was forgiving, but it still made my feel a bit upset that I had regressed. Today seems to be going better though.
I missed day 23's post. I'm struggling to find the balance of my life in which I can find time to post. It seems that I'm not really good a consistency, which is probably an issue for me in my addiction. I let other things in life find priority.
Had a discussion last night about red flags and triggers and such. I have to admit that last night I was exhibiting my old self-focused behavior, which was disappointing. My wife was forgiving, but it still made my feel a bit upset that I had regressed. Today seems to be going better though.
imsorrynotsorry
Active Member
I'm so with you. I'm experiencing a really good time now with my GF, even there are problems.
Don't let it get you down. Recovery comes with facing truths. Talk about it, they will come again. Never be hard on your self. Think yourself as a man who can change. That's what we want, right? I don't want to be that guy anymore, i want to find out how i am without P. The things that come with it, can't be that bad compared to the things we got from our addiction. Tell me.
PS. Write in your journal when you have the time and something to say about you.
ShadeTrenicin
Well-Known Member
metal22 said:
This is excellent man! great progress, were you and the wife able to really bond??
Good luck man! As always rooting for you!
Day 25:
Things are going pretty well. Had some ED creep in the yesterday which started freaked me out, though we talked about it, and she helped me identify some stressors in my life that I haven't been dealing with. I unfortunately seem to hold onto stress and anxiety. But progress has been made, as I didn't feel so ashamed to talk about it. I think Cortisol is something that really cripples me, as it keeps me from sleeping well, makes me eat inconsistently, and helps cause ED with me ( which really can build on itself and make for a downward spiral), and makes me shortsighted and retroactive in my actions. I'm working on organization of my life, talking openly about my feelings, emotions and what's going on in my head. It's helping a bit, but it's consistency of doing all that that will help the most in the long run.
Things are going pretty well. Had some ED creep in the yesterday which started freaked me out, though we talked about it, and she helped me identify some stressors in my life that I haven't been dealing with. I unfortunately seem to hold onto stress and anxiety. But progress has been made, as I didn't feel so ashamed to talk about it. I think Cortisol is something that really cripples me, as it keeps me from sleeping well, makes me eat inconsistently, and helps cause ED with me ( which really can build on itself and make for a downward spiral), and makes me shortsighted and retroactive in my actions. I'm working on organization of my life, talking openly about my feelings, emotions and what's going on in my head. It's helping a bit, but it's consistency of doing all that that will help the most in the long run.
imsorrynotsorry
Active Member
Hello metal22,
the ED to go away needs time. There is almost no way of shorten up the way, except avoiding everything, also normal intimacy. So, for your balance it just the right way to be okay with yourself. If intimacy is part of your relationship, then it's good. It's the same in mine. All you have to do right now is avoiding everything that is keeping you away from your goals. All the other effects, like morning wood or no-ED will come sooner or later. Impatience or freaking out you don't need, so please find your balance. It helps (like you now understand what cortisol does).
the ED to go away needs time. There is almost no way of shorten up the way, except avoiding everything, also normal intimacy. So, for your balance it just the right way to be okay with yourself. If intimacy is part of your relationship, then it's good. It's the same in mine. All you have to do right now is avoiding everything that is keeping you away from your goals. All the other effects, like morning wood or no-ED will come sooner or later. Impatience or freaking out you don't need, so please find your balance. It helps (like you now understand what cortisol does).
Day 26
Today was a fairly relaxing day. Pretty uneventful, and felt pretty calm. My wife and I make a great deal more physical contact during the day, and I always enjoy that. We visited some friends we haven?t seen in quite awhile. It was nice, though their kids are very wild. I worry about my kids a bit with them, and although they were wild like usual I believe my kids had fun.
Today was a fairly relaxing day. Pretty uneventful, and felt pretty calm. My wife and I make a great deal more physical contact during the day, and I always enjoy that. We visited some friends we haven?t seen in quite awhile. It was nice, though their kids are very wild. I worry about my kids a bit with them, and although they were wild like usual I believe my kids had fun.
ShadeTrenicin
Well-Known Member
Hey Metal22,
I think you have a good insight in what stress / cortisol does with you and how it causes that spiral. The fact that it cripples you and interferes with your sleep (which lowers your defences) is a major influence in battling addiction. As you said it makes you shortsighted and retroactive. Now that you understand it, are you able to rationalize things as ED creeping in?
Also nice to read that you and the wife are slowly getting more closer on both a physical as well as an emotional level. Although it might still take time, i think the two of you are on the road to having a better, deeper and more understanding connection! I am happy for you both.
P.s. wild kids are annoying, but they're also kids. As you said yourself; they had fun!
I think you have a good insight in what stress / cortisol does with you and how it causes that spiral. The fact that it cripples you and interferes with your sleep (which lowers your defences) is a major influence in battling addiction. As you said it makes you shortsighted and retroactive. Now that you understand it, are you able to rationalize things as ED creeping in?
Also nice to read that you and the wife are slowly getting more closer on both a physical as well as an emotional level. Although it might still take time, i think the two of you are on the road to having a better, deeper and more understanding connection! I am happy for you both.
P.s. wild kids are annoying, but they're also kids. As you said yourself; they had fun!
ShadeTrenicin
Well-Known Member
Great man, excellent to read that you're enjoying time with your family!
All the best for you guys!
All the best for you guys!
Day 28:
Had some good constructive conversations with my wife. We discussed what our life would possibly be like when the kids grow up and leave. She voiced to me how she doesn?t know how we?ll be, like what we will live like, and how she?ll feel. It made me realize I seem to view the future rather optimistically, whereas she is more of a realist. I don?t believe our marriage has always been that way, but it seems to be now. I think some of that optimism is what got me to relapse. Not to say we don?t need hope, as surely we do, but I also may have not fully grasped my own addiction and it?s control of my mind. She told me that I seem to be focusing on slower growth, and she feels like thats good. I feel the same way too.
Had some good constructive conversations with my wife. We discussed what our life would possibly be like when the kids grow up and leave. She voiced to me how she doesn?t know how we?ll be, like what we will live like, and how she?ll feel. It made me realize I seem to view the future rather optimistically, whereas she is more of a realist. I don?t believe our marriage has always been that way, but it seems to be now. I think some of that optimism is what got me to relapse. Not to say we don?t need hope, as surely we do, but I also may have not fully grasped my own addiction and it?s control of my mind. She told me that I seem to be focusing on slower growth, and she feels like thats good. I feel the same way too.
Day 29:
Had a day working on a construction project of sorts. The heat and sub got to both of us and we snapped a bit at each other but I feel like we worked it out mostly and had a good day nonetheless. I could feel periods of grumpiness but I mostly felt like I could work through them.
I did enjoy the time with her today.
Had a day working on a construction project of sorts. The heat and sub got to both of us and we snapped a bit at each other but I feel like we worked it out mostly and had a good day nonetheless. I could feel periods of grumpiness but I mostly felt like I could work through them.
I did enjoy the time with her today.
Day 30:
Worked out in the hot sun most of the day, so I?ve been feeling drained. Had a short talk over dinner. She commented that I still am not initiating conversations on this stuff. Unfortunately she?s right.
I?ve been thinking a bit on how blood pressure might be affecting my moods, and other things. Not sure why I thought about this, but I can feel my heart quite a bit throughout the day, and it always makes we wonder what my pressure is. Plus I?ve been wondering how stress affects it.
We also talked about the me too movement and how so many women get sexually harassed and assaulted. It makes me feel very sad when I think about this, how it affects my wife, how I?ve participated in this, and how my daughter will be affected.
Worked out in the hot sun most of the day, so I?ve been feeling drained. Had a short talk over dinner. She commented that I still am not initiating conversations on this stuff. Unfortunately she?s right.
I?ve been thinking a bit on how blood pressure might be affecting my moods, and other things. Not sure why I thought about this, but I can feel my heart quite a bit throughout the day, and it always makes we wonder what my pressure is. Plus I?ve been wondering how stress affects it.
We also talked about the me too movement and how so many women get sexually harassed and assaulted. It makes me feel very sad when I think about this, how it affects my wife, how I?ve participated in this, and how my daughter will be affected.
Day 32:
I missed the post again yesterday. I?m sorry for that.
We had a weird interaction yesterday while we were on our front porch. Some young black men pulled up, spun a U-turn, rolled the windows down and pointed what appeared to be paint ball guns at us, then said ? just playing?, and raced off. It was dusk so it was kinda hard to see and my wife ducked for fear they were real. It really angered me so I got up and tried to chase after them hoping to get a license plate, but me on foot without shoes and them in a car is pretty futile. I then called the police and told them what happened.
As I calmed down I processed with my wife over it. I started to feel like I overreacted, and she confirmed that. We both recalled doing stupid things as teens, and this seemed to be just one of those. I don?t believe that those kids meant real harm, probably just wanted a reaction out of since they were bored. Then I felt bad for them, playing around like that around where we live is dangerous. Daily we hear gun shots so there are plenty of folks here with guns that aren?t afraid to use them. I do think I need to continue to read my emotions as they come up. Clearly I should have taken a second the assess the situation first.
I missed the post again yesterday. I?m sorry for that.
We had a weird interaction yesterday while we were on our front porch. Some young black men pulled up, spun a U-turn, rolled the windows down and pointed what appeared to be paint ball guns at us, then said ? just playing?, and raced off. It was dusk so it was kinda hard to see and my wife ducked for fear they were real. It really angered me so I got up and tried to chase after them hoping to get a license plate, but me on foot without shoes and them in a car is pretty futile. I then called the police and told them what happened.
As I calmed down I processed with my wife over it. I started to feel like I overreacted, and she confirmed that. We both recalled doing stupid things as teens, and this seemed to be just one of those. I don?t believe that those kids meant real harm, probably just wanted a reaction out of since they were bored. Then I felt bad for them, playing around like that around where we live is dangerous. Daily we hear gun shots so there are plenty of folks here with guns that aren?t afraid to use them. I do think I need to continue to read my emotions as they come up. Clearly I should have taken a second the assess the situation first.