realfakeusername
Member
Hello everyone!
(scroll to bottom for tl;dr)
Day 1, May 3, 2020. I want to acknowledge that I have a porn addiction. My porn addiction has been a major contributor to a life full of regrets. It's not the only problem I have, it's just the one that is staring me in the face right now and sucks up a lot of time and energy that could be used for productive purposes. Let's say it pays negative dividends over a lifetime if you let it. I did. I went down the addiction path many, many years ago at 13 yo when I discovered naked women in a magazine my older brother hid under the seat of his VW. Being socially awkward, fearful of rejection and unable to approach women, pornography became my sexual replacement over time. I had no idea I was harming myself, I thought I'd found the solution. But it made it more difficult to connect socially and emotionally and it became a deep secret and a double life. Pornography became the object of my pursuit, not fulfilling real human interaction. But now I know and there is no excuse not facing that head on. I also recognize that there is nothing fulfilling about masturbating to pornography and the quest for porn became the consuming activity and my real addiction. And I was searching for something that isn't attainable thru pornography. I became a hamster on a wheel. Well at least that's more productive than porn, but you get the visual.
Right now I am severely depressed and my desire for porn is diminished to the point it is easier to deal with. Hey, when life gives you a pile of shit, use it for fertilizer. I am in counseling and seeking help. Also considering telling my therapist about the addiction, but shame is the barrier. I want to fight the impulse driven existence and get on a positive, goal oriented track and away from a cycle of shame, guilt, despair and utter futility. As I said, there are other problems facing me, but this problem is like a huge sucking black hole and a huge waste of productivity. This is actually a familiar place. A few years ago I deleted a mountain of porn and was porn free for months. Until I got back on my feet and fell back into a familiar pattern that escalated predictably, while I ignored it's damage. So will this time be different? Well I quit smoking a few years back, after several attempts, and success came after I recognized how easy it is to relapse by allowing yourself one indulgence here and there until the chemical builds up and takes hold again. I finally came to recognize cigarette's not for the comfort I had always sought from it, but a deadly stalker that was trying to literally kill me. I now recognize porn in a similar regard instead of a harmless pastime or entertainment. We'll see what I've learned.
I recently watched a youtube video that discussed the dopamine response/effect of repetitive activities like web and social media surfing. It didn't mention porn but Same thing, but different. I have to come up with other activities to fill my boring, unproductive life. I get triggered to surf when I have nothing to do. I have a reading list (Atomic Habits by James Clear is 1st on the list) to get through and I'm looking for some projects to occupy me. I am also unemployed and was underemployed before the virus locked everything up. Self esteem issues and an aging resume have dimmed job prospects. I literally have spent all day hunting down porn. Looking for missing scenes of a favorite, discovering a new "talent" was a daily activity that I am ashamed to have wasted so much time that could have been spent on actual productive pursuits that could improve my life and prospects for real positive change. I don?t really have an issue with masturbation, it is the porn surfing, but I will try the reboot and refrain from all sexual activity and clear my mind. I know my focus today feels different and my resolve seems stronger and my motivation is high despite the depression. So today is a good day to begin, again.
I would love some feedback on bringing this up in my therapy. Does anyone have any thoughts or experience on breaking through this barrier?; in-person groups, since isolation is a big factor for me. There is a great deal of shame I feel in admitting this to anyone I know. I will probably need an accountability partner since I don?t have one in real life.
So far, here is how I?ve been accountable to myself. I've finished cleaning 5-6TB of porn from my hard drive(s) as the first step yesterday and today. I had it mixed in with non-porn that I wanted to keep so I used the file explorer list view and sorted by folders so not to be tempted with thumbnails of files. Just a suggestion for anyone else cleaning house. I have deleted the saved passwords from the sites I used and cleared all search and browsing history from my google account. I am now the proud owner of no porn. Wish me luck! Thanks a million for reading my story.
Reboot
tl;dr
My first day in my quest to be porn and addiction free. Started with magazines pre-internet and grew into a monster collector with the advent of the internet and especially broadband - porn thru a fire hose. I have a confidence right now that I'm sure will be tested and I will be back to ask for help and guidance to you that have been there. I'm in therapy for depression, much of it I realize now was caused by my porn addiction. The good news is I'm so low that even porn sucks for me now. Yeah that low. This is still tl. Bye for now!
(scroll to bottom for tl;dr)
Day 1, May 3, 2020. I want to acknowledge that I have a porn addiction. My porn addiction has been a major contributor to a life full of regrets. It's not the only problem I have, it's just the one that is staring me in the face right now and sucks up a lot of time and energy that could be used for productive purposes. Let's say it pays negative dividends over a lifetime if you let it. I did. I went down the addiction path many, many years ago at 13 yo when I discovered naked women in a magazine my older brother hid under the seat of his VW. Being socially awkward, fearful of rejection and unable to approach women, pornography became my sexual replacement over time. I had no idea I was harming myself, I thought I'd found the solution. But it made it more difficult to connect socially and emotionally and it became a deep secret and a double life. Pornography became the object of my pursuit, not fulfilling real human interaction. But now I know and there is no excuse not facing that head on. I also recognize that there is nothing fulfilling about masturbating to pornography and the quest for porn became the consuming activity and my real addiction. And I was searching for something that isn't attainable thru pornography. I became a hamster on a wheel. Well at least that's more productive than porn, but you get the visual.
Right now I am severely depressed and my desire for porn is diminished to the point it is easier to deal with. Hey, when life gives you a pile of shit, use it for fertilizer. I am in counseling and seeking help. Also considering telling my therapist about the addiction, but shame is the barrier. I want to fight the impulse driven existence and get on a positive, goal oriented track and away from a cycle of shame, guilt, despair and utter futility. As I said, there are other problems facing me, but this problem is like a huge sucking black hole and a huge waste of productivity. This is actually a familiar place. A few years ago I deleted a mountain of porn and was porn free for months. Until I got back on my feet and fell back into a familiar pattern that escalated predictably, while I ignored it's damage. So will this time be different? Well I quit smoking a few years back, after several attempts, and success came after I recognized how easy it is to relapse by allowing yourself one indulgence here and there until the chemical builds up and takes hold again. I finally came to recognize cigarette's not for the comfort I had always sought from it, but a deadly stalker that was trying to literally kill me. I now recognize porn in a similar regard instead of a harmless pastime or entertainment. We'll see what I've learned.
I recently watched a youtube video that discussed the dopamine response/effect of repetitive activities like web and social media surfing. It didn't mention porn but Same thing, but different. I have to come up with other activities to fill my boring, unproductive life. I get triggered to surf when I have nothing to do. I have a reading list (Atomic Habits by James Clear is 1st on the list) to get through and I'm looking for some projects to occupy me. I am also unemployed and was underemployed before the virus locked everything up. Self esteem issues and an aging resume have dimmed job prospects. I literally have spent all day hunting down porn. Looking for missing scenes of a favorite, discovering a new "talent" was a daily activity that I am ashamed to have wasted so much time that could have been spent on actual productive pursuits that could improve my life and prospects for real positive change. I don?t really have an issue with masturbation, it is the porn surfing, but I will try the reboot and refrain from all sexual activity and clear my mind. I know my focus today feels different and my resolve seems stronger and my motivation is high despite the depression. So today is a good day to begin, again.
I would love some feedback on bringing this up in my therapy. Does anyone have any thoughts or experience on breaking through this barrier?; in-person groups, since isolation is a big factor for me. There is a great deal of shame I feel in admitting this to anyone I know. I will probably need an accountability partner since I don?t have one in real life.
So far, here is how I?ve been accountable to myself. I've finished cleaning 5-6TB of porn from my hard drive(s) as the first step yesterday and today. I had it mixed in with non-porn that I wanted to keep so I used the file explorer list view and sorted by folders so not to be tempted with thumbnails of files. Just a suggestion for anyone else cleaning house. I have deleted the saved passwords from the sites I used and cleared all search and browsing history from my google account. I am now the proud owner of no porn. Wish me luck! Thanks a million for reading my story.
Reboot
- Did I use porn today? NO, unless you count deleting it
- What were my triggers? n/a
- How did I soothe my anxiety or stress? walking, starting/trying meditation
- What am I grateful for today? discovered a strong desire to change
- Day counter! 0.5
tl;dr
My first day in my quest to be porn and addiction free. Started with magazines pre-internet and grew into a monster collector with the advent of the internet and especially broadband - porn thru a fire hose. I have a confidence right now that I'm sure will be tested and I will be back to ask for help and guidance to you that have been there. I'm in therapy for depression, much of it I realize now was caused by my porn addiction. The good news is I'm so low that even porn sucks for me now. Yeah that low. This is still tl. Bye for now!