"Special" sex on "special" occasions

[SlaveToRighteousness]

My wife and I recently celebrated our anniversary. Throughout our marriage, I have always looked at special occasions (anniversaries, birthdays, Valentine's Day, etc.) as an opportunity to engage in some kind of sexual activity with my wife that is different than what we normally do the rest of the year. My wife, on the other hand, has never really supported this idea, and on most of the birthdays and Valentine's days since we've been married, we didn't do anything sexual at all (much less something unique).

The exception to that has been our anniversary, where for the past 4-5 years, we have engaged in a sexual activity (call it "Activity X") that I was obsessed with during my PMO addiction, but that my wife didn't want to do and only engaged in begrudgingly because I was so persistent. (As an aside, my wife actually enjoyed Activity X during the act, but spoke negatively about it at all other times and always made it clear that she didn't want to do it).

Since breaking my addiction, I have lost virtually all interest in Activity X, and don't care whether I ever engage in it again or not. (I have realized that while I really enjoyed watching and fantasizing about Activity X, that didn't necessarily mean that I would actually enjoy engaging in Activity X myself). However, my brain still clings (albeit less tightly) to the idea that my wife and I should have some kind of "special" sex on special occasions, particularly our anniversary. With this in mind, I indicated to her that I wanted to continue our recent tradition of engaging in Activity X on our anniversary, so we tried it out on our recent anniversary night.

Long story short, it was a failure, and neither of us enjoyed it. She suggested we try it again (as a makeup) some time in the following week (which was a surprise, given her negative attitude toward it), but I told her that I never wanted to engage in Activity X again because it was something that she doesn't enjoy, and there's no point in doing something that isn't enjoyable for both of us. I don't expect us to engage in Activity X ever again.

But I am now left to wonder about the idea of special sex on special occasions. My wife doesn't seem to have any desire at all for variety, and is perfectly happy to do the exact same thing every time. Since breaking my addiction, I have come to realize how a desire for variety helped to fuel my addiction, and I have come to appreciate "vanilla" sex with my wife more than I ever did before. But does the fact that "a need for constant variety" is a bad thing also mean that "variety once in a while, perhaps on special occasions" is also a bad thing? If not, what kinds of "variety" might be appropriate for ex-PMO addicts and their partners?

 

[rider654321]

Hi STR,

So long as the love making is about shared intimacy, I don't think it matters how you go about it.

 

[chiefmitch88]

STR,

I have been rolling around some similar thoughts lately. I have been trying to understand my wife's perceived "lack of effort" in the bedroom. The conclusion I have come to, for all it's worth, is that these dates and special occasions should focus on deepening the connection with your spouse. This doesn't necessarily include or exclude sex it just revolves around the idea of creating new and positive experiences that build trust and recharge your batteries so you can face the difficulties of life together.

If sex is scheduled or expected it changes the dynamic of the evening. Imagine going on a first date and expecting sex...chances are that date might not go very well or you might end up going home with someone you don't respect. Whether it is our first date or our thousandth date we shouldn't expect a sex reward. Its no small wonder that women call us dogs, we constantly need that reassuring pat on the head to feel like we are still masters of our domain. That's a habit I want to be free from as well.

I feel like the focus should be more inward. Rather than needing that proof that "my wife digs me because she likes to do Activity X with me," which, when I break it down for myself, is essentially what I am seeking. We should instead reassure ourselves that "I am a great man that my spouse should dig because of all the great things in my life." Not to say that her opinion of you doesn't matter but it is an opinion that you shouldn't try to control or manipulate. Maybe, if you were to have the confidence to go about life without that need for "special sex" you might just find that more occasions become "special occasions" that lead to great sex.

 

[LTE]

But I am now left to wonder about the idea of special sex on special occasions. My wife doesn't seem to have any desire at all for variety, and is perfectly happy to do the exact same thing every time. Since breaking my addiction, I have come to realize how a desire for variety helped to fuel my addiction, and I have come to appreciate "vanilla" sex with my wife more than I ever did before. But does the fact that "a need for constant variety" is a bad thing also mean that "variety once in a while, perhaps on special occasions" is also a bad thing? If not, what kinds of "variety" might be appropriate for ex-PMO addicts and their partners?

As I see it, any mutually satisfying sexual activity that the two of you share is special. Sex, plain vanilla, missionary intercourse is very special. What could be more special than physically joining as a couple and sharing mutual pleasure and intimacy?

If you want to make it special, do something just for her. It doesn't have to be something sexual, it can be just a bit of kindness or taking her to her favorite place for a meal.

 

[SO Reboot Partner]

A lot of the man-speak discussion here is overwhelmingly self-entitled addict hogwash. The logic is insulting and detrimental to the growth and recovery of your SO and yourselves. Sorry if I'm being indirect and a little too zen-master in my expression.

The idea of "special" requires assumption that all other sexual liaisons are not "special". The terms "vanilla" and "usual" are thrown out there like it's just common knowledge that sex is boring and non-bonding and un-fulfilling. Uh, you got 50% of the responsibility to change that, Buckaroos, and you don't need to make demands or start compiling some kind of sex-advent calendar of special days and coordinating acts. Be LOVERS instead of TAKERS. If YOU are better in bed, have your brain in the game, maybe sex won't be so vanilla. What message are you sending to your SO with this request for "special" sex?

Intimacy and Variety are nearly opposites, unless you achieve real intimacy.

Intimacy includes: closeness, togetherness, affinity, rapport, attachment, familiarity, friendliness, friendship, amity, affection, warmth, confidence.

Variety includes (from the usage in posts supra): diversity, variation, diversification, heterogeneity, multifariousness, change, choice, difference.

If one is going to enact "policies" for variety one might as well build a lovely 30 acre compound with some nice ladies in pastel, mutton sleeved dresses. That really doesn't work for most women who subscribe to the Highlander Doctrine of "THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE". I'm one of these Highlanders because frankly I look like washed-out crap in pastels. I am a winter and love bright, saturated colors and familial plaids.

As an aside - Polyamorous is a made-up word that can't decide to be Greek or Latin. It is I-am-self-entitled-to-all-the-womens gibberish, imho. I "dated" two guys at the same time in college. I couldn't decide between the two, only as a pair were they ok, just ok. It was hurtful and not very nice on my part, because I really didn't fully like or respect either one of them. This is the message you send to your SO with requests and whiny complaints about Vah-R-I-it-tee in the context discussed thus far on this thread. You may not be asking for another woman in your bed, just for her to act like someone else (it is a hurtful, selfish message) - again without any improvements on your side of the bed.

Variety within intimacy means a different form, condition, or phase of something. Think about this - when one is truly intimate and invested in a relationship, the growth of you and your partner and the normal life changes you experience together are (wait for it) variety. Life Maturity is growth through a variety of phases, yet clinging to some notion of sexual variety is immature and stunts intimacy/growth.

I do not believe you fellows wanting "special" sex really want variety - you want the same old thing, delivered and without effort on your part. Just a little something that harkens back to earlier days or gives that same old sense of variety that comes from a flickering monitor and unchanging pixels and files. It is false and unhealthy.

 

[PMOVictory]

I can not agree more with anyone about this than with what you have said SORP!

Thanx for sharing it with us.

This is why it is so good and important to have woman on this forum!
Only you can give us the insight that we need so desperately!
This we will not get from our SO in the clear well worded way that you have put it, and even if we did would we listen...?
This is funny but true, a person will only validate something that you hear from a third party.
A flaw in our design as fallen man, from childhood engrained in us...

Stay strong and receive the Blessings!

 

[Gracie]

Just wanting to say that SORP has it right.  She and I keep telling the males on forums that it is not about the PE DE ED lack of desire lack of variety lack of lustfulness.  It is about the RELATIONSHIP.  It is about COMMUNICATION.  It is about EMPATHY.  Above all else it is about LOVE.  If you fully commit to giving 100% of yourself to these things you will receive them back.  Sex will no longer be the cake AND icing, it will be the icing on the cake. 

WARNING POSSIBLE TRIGGER!
When we first started down this path, my husband and I.  We were stumbling around not knowing what to do.  So like many wives, I asked what do you want to try.  It involved my face.  This was something we had done in our marriage before.  (As an aside porn was not an issue for 14 years early in our marriage) It was something we had done pre-porn.  So I said sure.  But you know we used to do this right?  Well we did the act.  And he then said he never wanted to do it again.  And he won't do it.  Why?  Because porn took something we did in love and and fun turned it into porn.  I know this because he and I discussed it.  It was something I enjoyed and so did he.  Porn corrupted it.

So when you think you need "special sex"  remember ALL sex should be special!  ALL sex should be intimate.  ALL sex should only have you and your partner be the only ones in bed and in brains.

PS  in a marriage it is not 50-50 60-40 or any of those combinations.  It should be 200% each partner giving 100%.  When that happens, it will be blissful.

 

[SO Reboot Partner]

I'm glad someone understood my writing.

It is easy to point to the Coolidge Effect and say, "See, Honey, I'm just hardwired for endless variety. It's why I love the porns and see you as the same-old-same nagging SO that whines about wanting sex. Thanks to the internet, I can have endless variety of partners (that all pretty much look the same by the way) by sitting in the same chair, right here in front of the the same old computer box or television, same time every day in and day out following the same routine year after year of PMO and fantasy, because I need variety. Is that a new outfit?" I made up that part about the outfit because in the middle of the addiction, he won't really notice that - PMO has blinded that part of his vision to notice variety/changes in his own relationship.

 

[SlaveToRighteousness]

Thanks for resurrecting this dead thread, everyone. I hadn't thought much about it since I started in back in September.

Following up on Gracie's TRIGGER WARNING:

I didn't have sex for the first time until I was married in my mid-20s. By that time, I was already a PMO addict and my sexual tastes were completely shaped (and distorted) by porn. As a result, I might never know for sure what I would have been interested in from a sexual standpoint if I had never been exposed to porn. I would like to think that I am turning into who I would have been pre-porn, but that's probably not possible.

In an any event, I do know what I became interested in as a result of porn. Using Gracie's terminology, let's just say that my interests focused on "the face" and "the bottom", and the majority of the porn I used to look at involved those (female) body parts. I reached a point where I couldn't become aroused without seeing or thinking about that stuff, and I always tried to get my wife to engage in related activities. She was never interested, though she gave in once a year on our anniversary.

Like Gracie's husband, I have lost interest in those activities, in part because I associate them with porn but also because I don't want to coerce my wife into doing things she doesn't want to do. Moreover, I don't even want to do those things myself. As many men discover (particularly in relation to developing an interest in gay porn, even though they themselves are not gay), the fact that a man can become aroused by watching a particular sexual activity does not mean that he will necessarily enjoy engaging in that activity himself.

One more thing regarding "vanilla" sex: one of the things that happened to me during my PMO addiction is that I lost interest in the vagina. Vaginal sex seemed too old-fashioned and puritanical, or something. I came to believe that vaginal sex was for people with inhibitions and hangups, who hadn't been enlightened or were too uptight to try new things.

What a jerk that guy was...

 

[LTE]

SORP, Gracie, thanks to both of you for your posts. I greatly appreciate the perspective that both of you bring to the forum. You have both helped me in forming healthy viewpoints.

I think that varsity is a sell-word, in many cases; a new wrapping for the same old requests. Coming from a basically Fundamentalist background I was raised to be very reserved about sex, as in, no oral sex, not to mention anything more adventurous.

[trigger alert]

My current viewpoint is that each couple needs to come to their own terms on how they have sex. That having been said I think it's important that both partners find pleasure in their choices and enjoy doing the things they agree upon. I also think that it is absolutely essential that neither partner insists upon anything that causes real pain, risk of harm, humiliation or degradation to their partner. Personally, I wouldn't like a face full of semen or to have to swallow the same and I think that most women would feel the same way. If a woman enjoys these things, that's fine, but only if it is mutually agreed upon without any pressure or coercion.

The idea of a husband begging his wife to do something she finds unpleasant, to my way of thinking, violates the spirit of giving that should be the foundation of marriage. Throughout my life I've known women that were really distressed by their husband's insistence on something the woman found distasteful, demeaning or difficult. I don't see a wife as being a long-term prostitute that trades sexual favors against incentives that the husband provides. I know one woman that left her husband because he wanted to trade-off every kindness towards her in exchange for one-sided oral sex. Sorry, but that sounds too much like bargaining with a prostitute.

IMO, sex should be a matter of giving, not taking. My limited experience with oral sex it was given with no encouragement from me. The woman involved was very sensitive and didn't seem to want to be on the receiving end of oral sex. She could hardly stand to be touched during foreplay. If I take another partner in life I intend to offer oral sex, I don't care if she reciprocates. The pleasure is in her company, not the extent of the sensations received during sex.

As I said, the choices are the couple's and not anyone else's. I don't mean to criticize any individual with my opinions. I have learned in life that it's always better to give than to receive.

 

[LTE]

Like Gracie's husband, I have lost interest in those activities, in part because I associate them with porn but also because I don't want to coerce my wife into doing things she doesn't want to do. Moreover, I don't even want to do those things myself. As many men discover (particularly in relation to developing an interest in gay porn, even though they themselves are not gay), the fact that a man can become aroused by watching a particular sexual activity does not mean that he will necessarily enjoy engaging in that activity himself.

One more thing regarding "vanilla" sex: one of the things that happened to me during my PMO addiction is that I lost interest in the vagina. Vaginal sex seemed too old-fashioned and puritanical, or something. I came to believe that vaginal sex was for people with inhibitions and hangups, who hadn't been enlightened or were too uptight to try new things.

What a jerk that guy was...

It's amazing how the tastes re enter once porn is out of the picture.

It's amazing that porn and the lies our media and society promote have managed to make vaginal sex seem obsolete. The complimentary nature of male and female genitalia is one of life's greatest miracles. It's a special thing that requires the participation of two people and delivers a beautiful and gentle pleasure.

If you believe pop culture at face value sex is all about the ultimate orgasm and finding new and ever-more extreme ways of maximizing pleasure. IMO, this is 180 degrees from reality. Of the partners I've had only one was not someone I was living with as many and wife. Our sex was very pleasurable and she was quite good in be, but the experience always left me feeling empty. I needed more than just visiting her, going to bed and then leaving to return to my home. The other times together, morning coffee, sleeping through the night together and sharing all of life; this is where I found satisfaction. IMHO, love, marriage and sex come down to two people, great friends and companions, sharing a special gift uniquely with their closest friend.

 

[SO Reboot Partner]

....  The other times together, morning coffee, sleeping through the night together and sharing all of life; this is where I found satisfaction. IMHO, love, marriage and sex come down to two people, great friends and companions, sharing a special gift uniquely with their closest friend.

We tend to lack humility toward love, to patronize it rather than bow before it, to put mundane considerations before the emotional need to hold someone in our arms.
-- Marianne Williamson

It is the humble ordinary that is true and real and gone in an instant. I too cherish those times when a quiet heart is met and known.

I need to get off the computer and start writing a book.

 

[Gracie]

One of the things I think is hard for PA's to understand is that the women they are with are not engaging with the "true man".  They are dealing with someone that is acting and reacting as an addict.  The PA is getting out of bed in the middle of the night, or going to bed late, or jonesing for when they can be alone and do their thing.  Because as an addict it is what gets  them through the day and through the night.  The women change because the relationship  changes.  It is no longer just the man-woman relationship.  It is the woman-man-hundreds or thousands of women relationship.  The man no longer plans his day around interaction with his woman, he plans it around "his women".  And for women, when it is discovered it is two things 1. What the hell!  2. Wow a lot of things now make sense!

SORP and I want the men here to know you should go through this together with your SO.  I think it is hard for a lot of men to understand it very much feels like an affair.  I know, I know there is not a person there.  but there is.  It's the one performing "for just you".  But really it is not, it is for millions.  We realize that there has been someone else in bed with us.  Someone else in our house.  PA's tell us we still love and loved you.  But it feels very much that we were not liked and valued.

I write because I hope that the PAs can be enlightened on the harmful effects on partners and relationships.  I write to encourage others.  But most of all I write to wrap my brain around something I do not understand.  I write so I can try to organize the chaos that is sometimes in my head.

 

[PMOVictory]

SORP and I want the men here to know you should go through this together with your SO.  I think it is hard for a lot of men to understand it very much feels like an affair.  I know, I know there is not a person there.  but there is.  It's the one performing "for just you".  But really it is not, it is for millions.  We realize that there has been someone else in bed with us.  Someone else in our house.  PA's tell us we still love and loved you.  But it feels very much that we were not liked and valued.

Thank you for this valuable information Gracie!
I believe if more men can realise this they will never look at porn again!

Stay strong and receive the Blessings!

 

[enablerblue]

Very true Gracie.

The thought of my partner fantasizing and visualizing another woman (or women, or scenarios) in his head while he was physically with me, made me feel disgusting.
I could have been anyone. I was just a vehicle to get him off. Not the person who loved and honoured him with my thoughts an actions. Nope.
PA's have themselves convinced that it's "normal and OK", because to some degree, society has normalized it so much that this behaviour is acceptable!

What gets me, is that I know us SO's have said out loud many times to our partners "this hurts me, please don't do this to me" and our words are disregarded completely. We are blown off and looked at as if we are abnormal for speaking from our hearts, because porn and PA have become so normalized in our culture.

Then the PA's relationships end, they are depressed and limp & can't figure out why.

 

[PMOVictory]

I could have been anyone. I was just a vehicle to get him off. Not the person who loved and honoured him with my thoughts an actions. Nope.
PA's have themselves convinced that it's "normal and OK", because to some degree, society has normalized it so much that this behaviour is acceptable!

Guys listen to what the ladies have to say!
This makes so much sense!
Thank you for sharing it and putting it in such plain simple words.
If anyone does not understand this, they will never get it.
I wish for every man to get this. Hot only will it make your lady feel that she is the most important to you!
And trust you me, if a woman feels she is your everything she will connect with you in ways that you could never imagine to be possible.
But by being true and honest in your relationship, not having anything coming between the two of you. The act of making love will be the most precious and beautiful thing that you can share as a couple!
You will not have sex with your lady anymore.
You will make love to her, and she to you!

Stay strong and receive the Blessings!

 

[Bibbity]

I know this is an old thread but it still baffles me how brainwashed men are in our society and what a grip porn and sex have on them.  Hugh Hefner was the one who "invented" the idea of novelty because men are actually happier with regular boring sex with the same woman over and over.  Go ask a tribe of men in Africa who have not been brainwashed!

Novelty is the only thing porn can sell.  Shock and variety.  They need it because the one thing they cannot sell is love and intimacy.  They replace love and intimacy, what men really want, with an idea that shock and variety is where it's at.  It's kind of like a car salesman telling you that every year you need a new car....HE IS TRYING TO SELL YOU SOMETHING.  If you are bored in the bedroom it is your own concocted story in your head because you are running away from intimacy.  Telling yourself these stories means you don't have to face the real problems in yourself and your issues with being vulnerable.  How often are you using fantasy, variety, visual stimulation to prevent you from feeling vulnerable during sex?  Vulnerability is what makes us human.

 

[LTE]

I know this is an old thread but it still baffles me how brainwashed men are in our society and what a grip porn and sex have on them.  Hugh Hefner was the one who "invented" the idea of novelty because men are actually happier with regular boring sex with the same woman over and over.  Go ask a tribe of men in Africa who have not been brainwashed!

Novelty is the only thing porn can sell.  Shock and variety.  They need it because the one thing they cannot sell is love and intimacy.  They replace love and intimacy, what men really want, with an idea that shock and variety is where it's at.  It's kind of like a car salesman telling you that every year you need a new car....HE IS TRYING TO SELL YOU SOMETHING.  If you are bored in the bedroom it is your own concocted story in your head because you are running away from intimacy.  Telling yourself these stories means you don't have to face the real problems in yourself and your issues with being vulnerable.  How often are you using fantasy, variety, visual stimulation to prevent you from feeling vulnerable during sex?  Vulnerability is what makes us human.

I agree completely. Sex is not boring, it's truly the most amazing experience two people can share. Familiarity is not boredom.

 

[SlaveToRighteousness]

Novelty is the only thing porn can sell.  Shock and variety.  They need it because the one thing they cannot sell is love and intimacy.  They replace love and intimacy, what men really want, with an idea that shock and variety is where it's at.  It's kind of like a car salesman telling you that every year you need a new car....HE IS TRYING TO SELL YOU SOMETHING.  If you are bored in the bedroom it is your own concocted story in your head because you are running away from intimacy.  Telling yourself these stories means you don't have to face the real problems in yourself and your issues with being vulnerable.  How often are you using fantasy, variety, visual stimulation to prevent you from feeling vulnerable during sex?  Vulnerability is what makes us human.

Thanks for your message, Bibbity. It took me 40 years of life to learn these lessons...