humbled_eved
Member
Hi all,
I am here to declare a new beginning. I am starting a new reboot. I have a lengthy success story posted on YBOP and I was really happy with where I was. It took a long time, but after 120+ days I was achieving rock hard, consistent erections with my ex. Then I got complacent and read my worst enemy - written erotica - and went got a new flatline. Since then (April 2013), I have been struggling to stay away from porn or masturbation.
I left the country in June 2013 for a while and didn't keep up with my 12-step program (SA) and lost a lot of recovery and time. The day before I left, I actually PMO'd (had been watching but not MOing - didn't make a diff). Then I didn't have access to porn so I went about 2 and a half months on hard mode. Then I found that I could use a sneaky way to get pornographic material on a common social network. All this while I was studying in a highly spiritual place. My addiction was too much and I wasn't using all my tools (SA). I came back and was scared about erection status. Then I had sex my with ex the first night I got back. No problems at all. Had a lot of fun in fact. Then we kept going back and forth between being lovers and hating each other (not healthy), I was out of my program because I was both too egotistical and too afraid to be honest with what I had been doing and start again.
I also have been so reluctant to start a new "reboot" b/c I know how hard the withdrawals, flatlines and emotions/anxiety can be at times, especially the very beginning. Also, I was scared that I may meet a girl while in flatline and am scared to be embarrassed if PIED kicked in. Crazy backwards thinking, I know. So I would sneak porn and think it wouldn't affect me. Well it did. The last time I had sex with my ex, we didn't wear a condom and she is no longer on the pill. We had a pregnancy scare that scared the crap out of both of us. We didn't try to have sex for a few weeks.
Then in December, I was really drunk leaving a club alone and was lured by a man posing as a limo driver in a limo. He took me to an empty parking lot and tried to kiss me. I was too drunk to realize what was going on. Also, a part of me remembered about the random encounters I had ashamedly experienced in the past and just went with it. He tried to suck me to completion, but I couldn't get hard. After a ling time of this, I finished myself off while having a "flaccid erection." I hope this is not too vulgar or triggering. I remember him trying to pull my pants off and have his way with me, but me struggling to push him off. That's the last thing I remember. Later, I woke up in a car with a random woman not knowing how I got there. My ex picked me up and we went to the police to file a report and to the trauma center to get treatment for potential rape. They didn't find anything. Still this incident really scared me and rehashed a lot of anxiety with sex.
My ex wanted to have sex a couple of weeks later and I was shaking from anxiety and couldn't get an erection. This was the last time we tried to have sex, even though we were active orally a few times after that. Instead of going back to SA and recommitting myself, I starting reading erotica again of rape, gay and incest. I was PMOing again, but trying to stop. Then in Feb the anxiety was too much and I stopped. Since then I have continued my inconsistent behavior. Sometimes just MOing sometimes just P, but both keeping me far from peace and serenity. I can't even remember how many streaks I had in that time. In July I PMO'd and decided to reboot again, but haven't been able to get more than a week if that. I have not been taking it seriously.
Now, I am tired of this shit again. No failed attempts, just tired of being slave to my pre-frontal cortex. I went back to SA and am making calls again and am going to start as if I've never been in the program. I'm starting over again. That was on Monday after I had spent Sun night and Mon afternoon on CL looking at ads. I've pretty much gone through my whole childhood/young adulthood again in the last year. I hate it. Yet, I am grateful because I know there is a good reason for all of it. I know I will be stronger. The time is now be'H! Then yesterday I "stumbled" on some porn on another social networking site as I can find the darkest point in the web or real life. My computer dies so couldn't go any further.
Then today, I charged by comp and that stuff was the first thing to load. I spent another long time looking at it. I'm tired of it!!! I want to start over again and that's what I'm doing. Yet, my brain tries to trick me by imagining my ex, who I still talk to and want to marry her, even though we both know it's over, going out and meeting guys. Or banging guys. Or having a 3-some with one of out mutual girlfriends this weekend at a wedding I wasn't invited to. The I feel low and want to self-medicate. Then I look at CL ads and want to contact an older woman looking for a bunch of young guys for you know what. Then I start thinking about massage parlors. Then I look into them. Then I feel bad and realize I will feel bad and shouldn't be spending my money on this stuff. Especially since I know how destructive this all is from my spiritual learning and time in SA. So here I am. Begging for a new beginning. Willing to do whatever it takes.
My biggest Achilles heal is my own withdrawal symptoms and my obsessive, non-sensical thoughts about my ex and my other girlfriends and other dudes who don't have this problem and can bang girls all they want an my resentment goes towards them, while my self-worth/image decrees towards myself. The ONLY way to beat this out is to reboot on hard mode, take it one day at a time, be patient, and wait for The Source to bring me to a loving, committed relationship. That's what I really want anyways and the kind of relationship I really strive in. Everything else is all imaginations that never match up to my expectations. Only thing I can do is focus on myself and deal with the pain it takes to get better. I know I will be!!
So that is my last 15 months in a nutshell. For today, I am committed to staying free from PMO, sexual fantasy and relationship/sex crazy for the next 24 hours. Cheers!
I am here to declare a new beginning. I am starting a new reboot. I have a lengthy success story posted on YBOP and I was really happy with where I was. It took a long time, but after 120+ days I was achieving rock hard, consistent erections with my ex. Then I got complacent and read my worst enemy - written erotica - and went got a new flatline. Since then (April 2013), I have been struggling to stay away from porn or masturbation.
I left the country in June 2013 for a while and didn't keep up with my 12-step program (SA) and lost a lot of recovery and time. The day before I left, I actually PMO'd (had been watching but not MOing - didn't make a diff). Then I didn't have access to porn so I went about 2 and a half months on hard mode. Then I found that I could use a sneaky way to get pornographic material on a common social network. All this while I was studying in a highly spiritual place. My addiction was too much and I wasn't using all my tools (SA). I came back and was scared about erection status. Then I had sex my with ex the first night I got back. No problems at all. Had a lot of fun in fact. Then we kept going back and forth between being lovers and hating each other (not healthy), I was out of my program because I was both too egotistical and too afraid to be honest with what I had been doing and start again.
I also have been so reluctant to start a new "reboot" b/c I know how hard the withdrawals, flatlines and emotions/anxiety can be at times, especially the very beginning. Also, I was scared that I may meet a girl while in flatline and am scared to be embarrassed if PIED kicked in. Crazy backwards thinking, I know. So I would sneak porn and think it wouldn't affect me. Well it did. The last time I had sex with my ex, we didn't wear a condom and she is no longer on the pill. We had a pregnancy scare that scared the crap out of both of us. We didn't try to have sex for a few weeks.
Then in December, I was really drunk leaving a club alone and was lured by a man posing as a limo driver in a limo. He took me to an empty parking lot and tried to kiss me. I was too drunk to realize what was going on. Also, a part of me remembered about the random encounters I had ashamedly experienced in the past and just went with it. He tried to suck me to completion, but I couldn't get hard. After a ling time of this, I finished myself off while having a "flaccid erection." I hope this is not too vulgar or triggering. I remember him trying to pull my pants off and have his way with me, but me struggling to push him off. That's the last thing I remember. Later, I woke up in a car with a random woman not knowing how I got there. My ex picked me up and we went to the police to file a report and to the trauma center to get treatment for potential rape. They didn't find anything. Still this incident really scared me and rehashed a lot of anxiety with sex.
My ex wanted to have sex a couple of weeks later and I was shaking from anxiety and couldn't get an erection. This was the last time we tried to have sex, even though we were active orally a few times after that. Instead of going back to SA and recommitting myself, I starting reading erotica again of rape, gay and incest. I was PMOing again, but trying to stop. Then in Feb the anxiety was too much and I stopped. Since then I have continued my inconsistent behavior. Sometimes just MOing sometimes just P, but both keeping me far from peace and serenity. I can't even remember how many streaks I had in that time. In July I PMO'd and decided to reboot again, but haven't been able to get more than a week if that. I have not been taking it seriously.
Now, I am tired of this shit again. No failed attempts, just tired of being slave to my pre-frontal cortex. I went back to SA and am making calls again and am going to start as if I've never been in the program. I'm starting over again. That was on Monday after I had spent Sun night and Mon afternoon on CL looking at ads. I've pretty much gone through my whole childhood/young adulthood again in the last year. I hate it. Yet, I am grateful because I know there is a good reason for all of it. I know I will be stronger. The time is now be'H! Then yesterday I "stumbled" on some porn on another social networking site as I can find the darkest point in the web or real life. My computer dies so couldn't go any further.
Then today, I charged by comp and that stuff was the first thing to load. I spent another long time looking at it. I'm tired of it!!! I want to start over again and that's what I'm doing. Yet, my brain tries to trick me by imagining my ex, who I still talk to and want to marry her, even though we both know it's over, going out and meeting guys. Or banging guys. Or having a 3-some with one of out mutual girlfriends this weekend at a wedding I wasn't invited to. The I feel low and want to self-medicate. Then I look at CL ads and want to contact an older woman looking for a bunch of young guys for you know what. Then I start thinking about massage parlors. Then I look into them. Then I feel bad and realize I will feel bad and shouldn't be spending my money on this stuff. Especially since I know how destructive this all is from my spiritual learning and time in SA. So here I am. Begging for a new beginning. Willing to do whatever it takes.
My biggest Achilles heal is my own withdrawal symptoms and my obsessive, non-sensical thoughts about my ex and my other girlfriends and other dudes who don't have this problem and can bang girls all they want an my resentment goes towards them, while my self-worth/image decrees towards myself. The ONLY way to beat this out is to reboot on hard mode, take it one day at a time, be patient, and wait for The Source to bring me to a loving, committed relationship. That's what I really want anyways and the kind of relationship I really strive in. Everything else is all imaginations that never match up to my expectations. Only thing I can do is focus on myself and deal with the pain it takes to get better. I know I will be!!
So that is my last 15 months in a nutshell. For today, I am committed to staying free from PMO, sexual fantasy and relationship/sex crazy for the next 24 hours. Cheers!