To become and feel what i thought was never real.

steadyrock

steadyrock

Member
Hello, i am not new to this forum. I have been "trying" to have a diferent life for the last 5 years... but i didnt do any good. Lots of things were lost others kind of preserved... but nothing good.

I am writing here with the intention to address this problem that has done nothing good to my life. I have lost alot, maybe much more than what i can bear. Maybe i lost certain things that were everything for me and i dont know it ou realised it yet.

I am 26years old, i have been on this since i was 12yo.

I dont believe i can rebuild myself in a year, or 2 or 3 and 5. I dont believe that it is possible at all. But in 10 years, at least i feel that maybe i can.

This belief of being a too late case to save, is what pushes the negative future if i just keep not believing.

If i dont believe it wont be possible.

Edit:
After some hours of procratination on posting this, i feel much better. I realised how sad that writing was. But i will keep it that way to remind myself of this problem. Keep looking towards your dreams. Dont stop.

Remember all of you, you have to believe and let go the oldways. You have to let go the fear.

This is my day 1.

I wish you all that you never forget who you really were all this time. This in the end is all about you, nobody else.
 
B

blerasdcru

Member
Hey man!!
Though words indeed, but just as reality is. I agree with u that writtimg about this stuff is sad

I have been into the porn shit too much time, so i know my recovery is gonna last some time. I accepted this and just keep going free of chains that porn set us. It s a new kind of lyfedtyle, i dont care how much time is gonna take, i only know that i wont come back to that toxic habit. I know that one day i will be free of this issue and i will look back gladly for how i behaved. I look back now and i see all the shame and all the beautiful opportunities i had vanished. I dont care anymore, a new me has risen. Im on day around 70 in a huge flatline, but with a huge smile in my soul and it s becoming bigger and bigger

Keep going bro! These firsts days are the hardest, but stay strong!!! U can do it!!!
 
steadyrock

steadyrock

Member
Thanks blerasdcru for the words. I currently have no other thing that inspires me to change besides myself, my soul.
I hope to remember about myself, my real self along the journey that is laying ahead. I am not used to have faith on myself, i have no doubts that everyone that is willing to pull this through will inevitable learn to have faith in him self. it will be just a matter of time and courage.
I wish you all the best, including not getting dependable on other peoples approval and attention. Keep going! Good luck and have faith.

Day 2.
 
M

Mybrainneedsreboot

Member
Hey there, I totally feel you in your vibe and why you write that way. I am too fighting for a long time because I didn't take it serious enough. The first days are really the most difficult and you thing that you will never change. I faced my worst urges on the first week.

Keep changing!
 
steadyrock

steadyrock

Member
Hi Mybrainneedsreboot, thanks for the word. Yes it is being difficult. Certain things arent going well right now. Just keep it going.

Dont stop, change what you have been doing whatever that is that makes you feel anxious or frustrated with life. You have to change the stuff that you are already doing daily that makes you have addictions. I am not talking about the this addiction, i am talking about what were you supposed to be doing and you are not doing it.

I saw a good video that brought some light over this questions, i will name it:

"Why Purpose and Discipline Promote Psychological Well-Being" on youtube by Academy of Ideas, and another one very good is
"The Psychology of Self-Transformation"

I strongly advise you to watch it.

Day 3
 
steadyrock

steadyrock

Member
Today has been a bad day, i did mistakes around rebooting. Got distracted with youtube and certain types of videos about MGTOW with certain images that didnt do any good to my brain. It was my fault. I got distracted with it because i was tired of work on a project and instead of doing something else in order to rest, i went to youtube, and facebook.  Those were mistakes of today.

I have been doing physical exercise daily, which is helping alot to my brain. Meditation as well, but i am still not very good at it, but once i get minimum understanding of it, and how to do it ok, i think it will do good. I have been doing cold showers as well at the end of the shower, not all of it.

Yesterday i got really pumped from thinking of not wasting my time with unimportant stuff for my self, and so i just started making a really good use of my time, which felt really good. Because of that i slept i little better but not enough to recover totally.

What i did was physical exercise, cold showers, meditation, and focusing on the idea of our time being limited. It made me work much more focused and better. And it made me stop feeling anxious for a few hours.  Feeling that i am not making a good use of my time drives me crazy and very anxious. Life runs and never comes back. Its one trigger.

Day 4
 
steadyrock

steadyrock

Member
I have been keeping physical exercise, meditation and mindfullness of my time in the last 3 days. I am getting a little tired, my sleep quality isnt the best to restore my brain, and its making me feel fearfull to keep going, because it hurts a little.
Meditation is still a mess. But the small results that i am getting are already satisfactory.
Day 5
 
steadyrock

steadyrock

Member
Yesterday was a very draining day. Because my neighbor was making too much noise i went to talk with him to ask him to lower down his music volume. It was a mess, i went to a very nervous state and he saw everything that i was shaking and really mad of his selfish attitude. It was very draining. The rest of the day wasnt productive as i was ruminating on what i did and what he did wrong. I am a mess on conflits. Have some traumas from my childhood that dont help at all.

I felt during the day and also now that i am starting to fail to
Wanting to change. It hurts my brain to let go for ever those images that were part of my imagination and fantasies. I just dont know what to do with my life if i just let them go forever.
It makes me face huge negstive beliefs that i have since childhood that nobody wants me and wants to be with me. The only one who stayed with me and that was in my reach without denying me was my imagination.

Day 6 is done and currently on day 7
 
steadyrock

steadyrock

Member
Hello, I finished day 7 and almost finishing day 8, its about to finish within a few minutes.

I have been doing physical exercise everyday, meditation as well(not so well made),doing cold showers as well. Its bringing good results. I am starting to feel flatline, which is a good sign.

Yesterday at the end of the day, i felt a sudden loneliness and fear of losing some people of my life... people that had a huge impact in my life but that i almost dont talk to them nowadays. I am regretting so much for pushing them away from my life. I now dont know what the consequences are going to be for certain, i hope pray and wish that i can talk with them without sounding strange. But there are alot of things that arent right in my life that wouldnt help in it either. Because of this fear, in the middle of the night i started to rub myself against the mattress but i was fortunate enough to become aware of myself and stop myself from ruining the work that i have been putting on my brain for the past 8 days.

I wish you all, all the wisdom needed in the right time so that you can avoid making mistakes like pushing people away from you life that you werent supposed to. Just be genttle with people, but dont grasp them. Never grasp them.

Wish you all the best.

Day 8 almost finished...==>Day 9
 
M

Mybrainneedsreboot

Member
Hey Steadyrock,
Do you mean "Men going their own way" with MGTOW. If yes what is your opinion about them?  I take it as an sexual separatist movement. IMO the extremes aren t the best way to solve our problems. It is like the feminazis.  They are only polarizing the two genders leading to a gender war without a reason.
 
steadyrock

steadyrock

Member
Hi Mybrainneedsreboot, yes. I think it is great, but i know that it is not natural and it was created based on frustration, disapointment and hurt, it is the same situation as me.  It is great because we can feel powerfull again be capable of building our lifes. It is also shit, because it just shows how uncapable we men are(the men who follows MGTOW) of knowing how to be firm with women and of not being capable of acceapting her nature. I want to understand them, absolutly, i dont want to believe that it is pure evil(i am refering to a wise girl/lady/woman with good integrity because those still do certain things that may be perceived as evil but still has it reasons... the rest of women that i dont refer to can be really bad people). For now i just now that it is obvious that it is not the best way on the long run, because it is not part of nature, and also it is great to focus on our lifes for a specific amount of time. It is a great tool. Thats what it is, a great tool.

Never! the extremes will never be the best way too solve our problems. The best way to solve our problems is always to have an open mind so that there is no problem on stoping what we are doing that serves us no good.
 
M

Mybrainneedsreboot

Member
I see your point steadyrock. Every man,  including me, has allienated himself from his sexuallity just once in his life. It takes a really hurtfull experience and we withdraw ourselves to isolation. Keeping ourselves further to isolation is what isn t letting us to grow on the long run.  I agree that in the a beginning of a journey such as this, one must focus himself to his own recovery, self discovery and rebuilding. My opinion on women is that we have to want them and NOT need them. Talking with women also taught me that they go into similar problems auch as ours. My current girlfriend was bullied in school because she wasn t party Animal and because she wasn t as bitchy as the others.  There is an Alpha oppressing mentallity between women too. We as men of this generation habe to close this gap between those two genders and fight the devicive extremes from both sides. But that is only my Hubble opinion. Like you said. Open mind :D
 
steadyrock

steadyrock

Member
Thanks for your words Mybrainneedsreboot.

Day 0

The last streak went till 4 or 5 days, and before that i went till 14 days. This is hell on earth to be slave of this and not being able to have a normal life, full of inocence and purity. Did i lost myself? What is seen can not be unseen, what is heard cannot be unheard. Sometimes i wish i could experience a little how it was back then when i was a child, a pure mind.

I need to find a porpuse for life, a dream, something to work for, to live for. Something with meaning, a meaning that only i know.
Follow a vision, longing  for a home , the so awaited home. I must not lose clarity of mind on the way, i must not forget the meaning, the why that i want to do this. 
 
steadyrock

steadyrock

Member
Day1

This is a far more serious problem than i ever thought. I am completly scared and terrified. I just read a post(there are lots of good posts for men to read) on the section, Partners of Rebooters and Addicts. Its the first post of the section, i just read the post and its comments. I got completly devastated. I dont want to become a human being that doesnt have any ability at all to do emotional management and to really care for others. I already am suffering the consequences of my actions of over a decade of this addiction. I dont want to lose what i have left of my humanness and rational thinking.

The penis issue and being weird around people and have no motivation for anything in life is just the tip of the iceberg.

I have already hurt people that i love because of this addiction, and i was unaware of it. I dont want to become and i dont want to be nothing soo low and bad, and soo vile, because of the concequences of my own actions( use of P).

Now I am suffering the concequences of my actions and its painfull. But it feels good to wake up.

I advise you guys to read alot from that section. The more you get awake the more you take this seriously.

 
steadyrock

steadyrock

Member
Day 2

Today, got some triggers... not working efficiantly as i always wanted in my life. Not feeling happy at all, having nothing in my life to feel happy for... just one thing, but its not something that we should look for as our main source of happiness.. specialy  when i am not at peace with myself.  I feel depressed, slow, dementia, with no reasons in my conscious to keep working for what i am working on.
I feel like i am completly alone... why would i work and gather resources in my life and stuff if i dont have anybody to share with? someone that understands me and feels me. I feel like that i dont have anything to live for, i am not exagerating. Its just what i feel.

I know it is at least better to just keep going with dignity and alone, than losing my remaining humaness and dignity in myself and still being alone.

I have two people in my life that i love but we arent seeing each other for a while due to the pandemic. My father and a girl.


This woman that i love is just suffering because of me and i didnt realised it before until now. I didnt know that i was being desconnected from myself and therefore from her because of the addiction. That disconnection with our humanness made me be a shell and treat her with more value to her body and not giving/seeing the real value of her, which is her it self, her being, herself. Because i wasnt "seeing" her, i wasnt giving the real value that she has in my life. I never mistreated her, and ill never be that person to no one. But part of me rejected part of her continuously because i was giving value to stuff doens really matter... all because i was desconnected.

Running away from ourselfs by going compulsivly on facebook, youtube, shopping, PMO( the damn worst) its a humanity breaker...everything that makes us dessociate from ourselfs is a humanity breaker.

 
K

kierv

Member
It's very depressive story, full of pain and misery. You don't see a light at the end of the tunnel, but you should remember you can rely on your father and your girlfriend. These are the people who are eager to help you. And you don't need to write you're alone. You have them.

Good luck. I will follow your story.
 
steadyrock

steadyrock

Member
Day 4

Today got some thoughts but i rejected them. I wondered about people that i love and how didnt apreciated them as they deserved.

Hi Kierv, thank you for hearing me out. Yes it is sad, and i make it even more sad due to my tiredness of life. It is exausting and defeating how life doesnt ease things a little. thanks again for hearing me out. I will be brave and reach more for my father and this person that i love. We arent a couple... but i love her. We were once, but never kissed, nor anything intimate, and it was deep, its weird to hear this... but its true, she was one of the best things that happened to my life... she changed my life forever. She is just special to me, i feel full inside just by thinking of her... i feel safe around her to be vulnerable, which is for me the ultimate requirement for a fantastic partnership. But life doesnt make it easy in certain things that i wont mention. I just wish for her a very happy life, where nobody mistreats her, nobody uses her, nobody does any harm to her. Sorry for the long talk. thanks for the advice. Good luck on your journey Kierv! Good luck to the rest of people out there too.

 
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