It is a long struggle (journal)

[Mybrainneedsreboot]

Hey there guys and girls,
My name is Emil and I am greek (please excuse my Englisch). I am 24 years old and i study Chemistry in Germany. I am lucky to be in a very supportive relationship for 1 and a half year but it is still very difficult for me to abstain from porn. My porn use dates more than 10 years and it has escalated in more extreme genres like the most of the chronic users. The reason I quit Porn was my PIED and my wish to be in a healthy and strong relationship. That being said, I struggle actively with porn for 2 and a half years. My best phase was at the beginning of my relationship. I was one month Porn free (masturbation once a week). That was enough to get my libido and sexuallity working again and I had afterwards really good sex. My quick recovery was a trap for me though. I underestimated porn and i began using again. That led me to the point that I am now, which I struggle with the worst urges ever. I am still able to do sex but not with the quality of that before. I am now 16 days porn free and i hope to make it happen again! I wish everyone strength and I need your wishes too, because it is the most difficult phase of my journey.  I will be reading your journals and try to get motivation from you. Thanks for reading!

 

[Mybrainneedsreboot]

Hey guys,

Just a weekly update. I ve edged twice the last week so i turned my calendar back to zero. I m on day 3 right now. I am way more positive than the last week. I m also back on the gym and that is helping a lot  I am thinking about not doing this the hard way and masturbate in emergency times.  What is your opinion about that? Feel free to reply! How are your journeys going?

 

[Sanders]

Hi Emil,

Welcome here! Good you've taken the step to seriously commit to becoming a better and healthier person. A journal is a great way to keep a regular update on yourself, I try to write daily and read through a bunch of other journals around this forum. There's a lot of great help in reading other people's similar experiences. I'm now 38 days without porn after using it for about 13 years. I've realised how silly it actually is and how meaningless.

A few things that helped for me that might help you:
- I wrote two lists that I try to re-read every now and then. Both have about 15 reasons
      1. Reasons to never go back to using porn: Examples; It ruined my marriage (which is seriously getting better now), It
          caused me to become depressed and enjoy life less, and I supported an industry full of violence, human trafficking, exploitation
          and much more.
      2. Reasons to keep hope to get over it: Your brains can change and cut the connections that drove you to porn, if you
          believe in a higher power, there is forgiveness in spirituality. Also, you will gain so much energy and time that was wasted on
          porn before.
- Tell someone you know. I know it's super embarrasing but it's really worth it to have someone who supports you and knows about it. You don't need to go in detail or whatever, just that porn is a problem you're struggling with and you'd like help to get over it.
- Find other activities to direct your brains towards. You've become used to stimulation and when you take that part away it's like removing a leg from a chair. Your brain will need and crave for the rush that porn gave you, so try to replace that with a healthy activity. Sports is a great way if you're interested, however any hobby that takes up your focus and energy is great.
- Regarding masturbating, it really depends on you. Are you confident you can masturbate without imagining porn? For me that's what worked. Bought some sex toy which really helped I think. It allowed me to O without even needing any form of phantasy. Of course you have to be careful that you're not just replacing the habit. Since I PMOd multiple times a week I first cut it down to twice a week and plan to do it less. Luckily my wife and I have started to become active again so I don't think I really need it much.
- You've mentioned about a relationship, are you still in it? I think it's good for your partner to also know about this behaviour. She / he can help and support.
- What really helped me was to see the horrible side of the porn and sex industry. It's filled with violence, human trafficking, physical and mental abuse, child pornography, mental health issues, suicides, forced drug use and really much more. FTND has some good info on this but there is so much more: https://fightthenewdrug.org/the-porn-industrys-dark-secrets/.

I don't know what other forms of help you're trying to get but there is so much information online available. FTND as I linked before, YourBrainOnPorn is of course the main 'bible' for people trying to overcome porn addiction.

Ok, long post. Hope it helps in your fight! All the best man

(By the way, don't worry about your English, it's great!)

 

[Mybrainneedsreboot]

Hi Sanders,

Thanks for your long reply! I can always use some new information and try other methods to overcome this addiction. It is really good to be among courageous people, who took the step out of their confort zone in order to connect with their lives!
-I think too, that journaling plays a key role in this, especially  in the beginning. I will try also to write these reminders and see how they will work out.
-I am still in that relationship. It is going pretty well I told her directly in the beginning that i struggle with this addiction and it caused physical problems, which will take time to heal. PIED healed in my case more quickly than I thought and I wasn t ready for all this Libido at once. 1 and a half year after and I am still struggling with this addiction (there have been high and low phases). It has of course created problems between me and my gf but not a critical conflict. It is time to stop
- Respect for reaching those 38 days! I hope, I ll come into the same realisation as you by that time! It is good to hear that your marriage took the good turn! It gives hope to all those marriages and relationships who suffered from such problems.
-Seeing the truth about the porn industry is something that i actually could have underestimated.  I will look into these articles.
-I will check your journal soon and see more of your own fight. Thanks for the inspiration and for the compliment about my English! It means a lot!

Stay strong an clean!

 

[letsreebot]

I am thinking about not doing this the hard way and masturbate in emergency times.  What is your opinion about that?

I have two thoughts about this:

• It slows recovery: That one year in which I succeeded, I was masturbating and things worked out. But I started doing so about 3 months after complete abstinence, meaning I already could reach orgasm and feel pleasure without fantasising with porn. If you can't, then don't. It's a thin line to cross, I didn't always succeed and it did set me back. Regardless, whenever I could keep away from it, my improvement was much, MUCH faster.
  
• There's no need to rush I guess: Taking more or less time, this is literally a life long journey. Main goal is to quit porn for good, your body will respond to it and recover anyway. If the "not hard way" will work, then "not hard way" it is. But nothing stops you to try and don't masturbate, and in the beggining you probably should avoid.

 

[Mybrainneedsreboot]

Hi Letsreboot
Thanks for your reply! I am for the long run, the full recovery however slow it may be. It is more important to cure as quick as possible my desire for porn than strengthening my erections at this point. I still don t want to overdo it with the masturbation because it can be addictive too. Lets See how the things work for the next weeks!

 

[Mybrainneedsreboot]

Hey there!
Here for the weekly review.  Today is day 9 and things are going better.  I am gonna say an experience of mine but I don t recommend anyone to try it. Everyone can judge for themselves. Yesterday I tried Psilosybin shrooms. I did it with a friend for recreational purposes but the after effects did amaze me. I thing I experienced this so called "ego-death". My brain has like dismembered itself and then put itself again in pieces afterwards. It was a really healing and cathartic experience.  I don t have a single urge right now. I can t explain but it made a huge impact on me.  It is the opposite of alcohol and weed. These things tend to bring huge urges afterwards. Have anyone of you had such an experience??

 

[Mybrainneedsreboot]

For the weekly review,
I didn't make it though this week.  I did relapse 3 days ago and it sucks. It was mainly because of alcohol consumption and lack of discipline in the day (procrastination). I didn't binge though the days afterwards and I am getting back on track again Be strong my friends. We can make it!