Hello,
This will be long, but I want to intruduce myself the best I can
I am a 28 years old male from Poland who wants to give up porn completely. I believe I am addicted to porn or at least it's my inner feeling that this is how it all should be assessed. I started watching porn many years go, so I don't really remember the exact date. I guess I was 12 or 13 and high-speed Internet porn was my first (since then the best and only) source of such an extreme content. I can say that porn became a vital part of my daily routine. I watch porn, let's say, 5 days a week. Usually, do not sacrifice more than 15-20 minutes daily, but this unhealthy habit is steady. I believe that porn doesn't affect my practical side of life - it's not compulsive and I can work, I can learn; porn never wins over a meeting with friends or some other activities. It's not the top priority thing. Very rarely I need to fap more than once a day (it happens only when I'm really horny or there is nothing else to do, literally nothing). However, I know it mutilates my mind, my spirit. It's a habit, so sometimes if I'm sad or nervous I turn to porn and use it as a great (superficial) antidepressant. It is supposed to work as a pill of relax. And it does, temporarily.
In addition, my situation is worsened by the fact that due to miserable childhood, social alienation and problems with choleric father I need to use the help of therapist to go out of the woods. However, even before I started my therapy, I had been able to overcome many of my past traumas. I became a friendly and popular person with lots of new friends, defeated my obesity, started PhD programme and achieved some tangible results in this field etc. This is a different story, but it makes me think that I can face up to porn addiction as well. I changed a lot during last 5-6 years ago, but some sad reminiscences of my old life are still deep inside my mind and need to be healed. All I want to stress here is that my therapy is not connected to the porn addiction. It touches different areas, because despite the noticeable progress with my life I still feel that I don't deserve to be loved and my self-esteem is very low.
On the surface, I'm an intelligent and hadsome guy with a great sense of humor. And I dare to write this, because this is why I'm perceived (honestly it just makes me more sad when I realize that other people appreciate my company, but despite that I cannot accept myself - so illogical!). Girls like me and sometimes I receive more or less direct examples of their emotions and feelings towards me. Due to my hidden insecurity I rarely read these signs properly or ignore them as I don't know what to do with them. And still, I feel exctitement and desire for some of these girls and ultimately I'm looking for a partner. This is my aim, obviously. Be self-confident and happy with relation. But this is where porn is probably involved... I'm sure that most people who know me would be shocked If I told them that I never slept with a girl, but that's true. I don't want to dwell on this issue as it has much to do with my past traumas, but I can tell you than even when I was finally with a girl I noticed that I could't get erection (it always ended with kissing and oral sex performed by me). I could excuse myself and say that when I had a close contact with this particular girl we were always heavily drinking and I was simply stressed because I had never had sex, but my porn addiction must be a factor here. I know that, even if it's not the only source of my problems.
My relation with that girl has ended (and then I started my therapy). The break-up had nothing to do with my sex problems, more with the fact she had her own traumas and unresolved issues from her past. All in all, I cannot forgive myself I couldn't have sex with such a beautiful woman. It gave me an incentive to change something, to be even more self-concious. Fighting with porn addiction is one of the elements in this puzzle. I cannot precisely write to what extent I have problems with ED, PE od DE. I don't know that and there is not enough experience to be sure. My penis works with porn, that's obvious. But I feel it needs to be stimulated with more and more heavy stuff. Something which worries meis that my morning erection is not often present (however, from time to time I can catch it, it exists) and generally It's very hard to have a rock-hard erection. It's possible, but I need to be really horny and stimulated. The good thing is that sometimes when I, for example, just read some erotic content I feel that my penis reacts to it. It's not a perfect erection, but It can be a sufficient spur to fap (even without porn involved).
Sorry if I included too many details and "weird stuff" above, but I'm not sure how it should look like. All I know for sure and all I want is to be free from porn. It's too long with me, so I know it must have caused many bad things to my organism. I want to take up a 90 days challange. I will be happy to share my emotions and thoughts here. I will be happy if you support me. Ask questions, give advice. I spent few hours to read this community and the site. I know that the whole process takes time and it's very individual, but perhaps you have some specific recommendations for me? Some strategy? It's just the question of porn? What to do with masturbation? And what about an orgasm? I will appreciate any help
Thank you for being patient if you read all of that
EDIT: I would forget the most important thing - today is my third "clean" day
This will be long, but I want to intruduce myself the best I can
I am a 28 years old male from Poland who wants to give up porn completely. I believe I am addicted to porn or at least it's my inner feeling that this is how it all should be assessed. I started watching porn many years go, so I don't really remember the exact date. I guess I was 12 or 13 and high-speed Internet porn was my first (since then the best and only) source of such an extreme content. I can say that porn became a vital part of my daily routine. I watch porn, let's say, 5 days a week. Usually, do not sacrifice more than 15-20 minutes daily, but this unhealthy habit is steady. I believe that porn doesn't affect my practical side of life - it's not compulsive and I can work, I can learn; porn never wins over a meeting with friends or some other activities. It's not the top priority thing. Very rarely I need to fap more than once a day (it happens only when I'm really horny or there is nothing else to do, literally nothing). However, I know it mutilates my mind, my spirit. It's a habit, so sometimes if I'm sad or nervous I turn to porn and use it as a great (superficial) antidepressant. It is supposed to work as a pill of relax. And it does, temporarily.
In addition, my situation is worsened by the fact that due to miserable childhood, social alienation and problems with choleric father I need to use the help of therapist to go out of the woods. However, even before I started my therapy, I had been able to overcome many of my past traumas. I became a friendly and popular person with lots of new friends, defeated my obesity, started PhD programme and achieved some tangible results in this field etc. This is a different story, but it makes me think that I can face up to porn addiction as well. I changed a lot during last 5-6 years ago, but some sad reminiscences of my old life are still deep inside my mind and need to be healed. All I want to stress here is that my therapy is not connected to the porn addiction. It touches different areas, because despite the noticeable progress with my life I still feel that I don't deserve to be loved and my self-esteem is very low.
On the surface, I'm an intelligent and hadsome guy with a great sense of humor. And I dare to write this, because this is why I'm perceived (honestly it just makes me more sad when I realize that other people appreciate my company, but despite that I cannot accept myself - so illogical!). Girls like me and sometimes I receive more or less direct examples of their emotions and feelings towards me. Due to my hidden insecurity I rarely read these signs properly or ignore them as I don't know what to do with them. And still, I feel exctitement and desire for some of these girls and ultimately I'm looking for a partner. This is my aim, obviously. Be self-confident and happy with relation. But this is where porn is probably involved... I'm sure that most people who know me would be shocked If I told them that I never slept with a girl, but that's true. I don't want to dwell on this issue as it has much to do with my past traumas, but I can tell you than even when I was finally with a girl I noticed that I could't get erection (it always ended with kissing and oral sex performed by me). I could excuse myself and say that when I had a close contact with this particular girl we were always heavily drinking and I was simply stressed because I had never had sex, but my porn addiction must be a factor here. I know that, even if it's not the only source of my problems.
My relation with that girl has ended (and then I started my therapy). The break-up had nothing to do with my sex problems, more with the fact she had her own traumas and unresolved issues from her past. All in all, I cannot forgive myself I couldn't have sex with such a beautiful woman. It gave me an incentive to change something, to be even more self-concious. Fighting with porn addiction is one of the elements in this puzzle. I cannot precisely write to what extent I have problems with ED, PE od DE. I don't know that and there is not enough experience to be sure. My penis works with porn, that's obvious. But I feel it needs to be stimulated with more and more heavy stuff. Something which worries meis that my morning erection is not often present (however, from time to time I can catch it, it exists) and generally It's very hard to have a rock-hard erection. It's possible, but I need to be really horny and stimulated. The good thing is that sometimes when I, for example, just read some erotic content I feel that my penis reacts to it. It's not a perfect erection, but It can be a sufficient spur to fap (even without porn involved).
Sorry if I included too many details and "weird stuff" above, but I'm not sure how it should look like. All I know for sure and all I want is to be free from porn. It's too long with me, so I know it must have caused many bad things to my organism. I want to take up a 90 days challange. I will be happy to share my emotions and thoughts here. I will be happy if you support me. Ask questions, give advice. I spent few hours to read this community and the site. I know that the whole process takes time and it's very individual, but perhaps you have some specific recommendations for me? Some strategy? It's just the question of porn? What to do with masturbation? And what about an orgasm? I will appreciate any help
Thank you for being patient if you read all of that
EDIT: I would forget the most important thing - today is my third "clean" day