Shame is my issue and porn was just an off-shoot of that, but it's all a big cycle. You feel bad because you look at porn, you look at porn because you feel bad (and because of the dopamine/brain stuff that it plays into). Is MO something you feel shame about too or is it just PMO? I know for me because of a deeply religious background a lot of stuff that is just normal feelings and behaviours has created feelings of shame and part of my journey is separating those things. Being aware of your triggers/feelings etc. is a big part of it and you're here too, so it's a start. Keep reaching out. There's a lot of great resources and guys on here that have a lot to offer.
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addictnomore
Guest
So odd. I?m sitting here in a park, enjoying the weather and the sounds and scenes and I think... I need to go home and PMO. Why? If I?m enjoying myself without it, why does my brain compel me to want to leave this and go back to my dark room and do it? I mean, I know and I don?t know.
Andrew1973
Active Member
Because it?s an addiction my friend! Don?t be hard on yourself. I once spent a weekend in Sydney on business - gorgeous weather, great hotel in fab location. I spent most of it inside my room PMOing. How utterly sad is that! There is light at the end of the tunnel, the desires weaken, but it takes time, persistence, an inquisitive mind, and self loving. Stay here - keep learning - share with others. Be strong!
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addictnomore
Guest
Thank you for taking time to respond to my posts.
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addictnomore
Guest
So, I'm still holding steady with significantly reduced usage but not elimination. Even this reduced usage has cleared my mind and brought me more in touch with reality. As I said before, I don't really even enjoy the porn now. It's habit, and I suppose, brain chemistry.
Still dealing with lots of guilt. I hurt a lot of people with my out of control porn use. And I just wasn't aware of how bad it had gotten. Now that I see myself clearly, it's hard to deal with the reality.
I'm not sure how to proceed. Should I continue to taper or go cold turkey? Thoughts on tapering use vs. cold turkey?
Still dealing with lots of guilt. I hurt a lot of people with my out of control porn use. And I just wasn't aware of how bad it had gotten. Now that I see myself clearly, it's hard to deal with the reality.
I'm not sure how to proceed. Should I continue to taper or go cold turkey? Thoughts on tapering use vs. cold turkey?
For me there was no option: It was stop or just get pulled back in. It's like swimming close to a whirlpool. As "safe" as you feel by being in the water but out of its pull, it's so much harder to get sucked in if you're not in the water to begin with.
I too have a lot of issues with shame. Porn both makes you seek it out and feel like shit for finding it. Like they say: Our brains were not made to handle HSIP so it makes sense that we would struggle with it, and shame just adds to the cycle. You recognizing that it's had negative effects on your life is already a huge step. Porn being seen as this "normal" or even "healthy" outlet keeps a lot of people from even getting to where you are so feel good about that!
I'm very new on my journey, but I have had very little urge to use PMO by being present and honest with myself. It's scary. I don't know if I've ever been honest with myself ever in my life. I used PMO and lies as way to hide myself. Hiding kept me safe, or so I thought. I think of it this way though. Do I want to feel "safe" in a dark, lonely cave or do I want to experience real life with all its highs and lows and feel scared sometimes. I'm choosing that latter. I'm seeing a therapist, I'm planning on doing EMDR, I'm staying away from being alone with the internet as much as I can. You can do this!
I too have a lot of issues with shame. Porn both makes you seek it out and feel like shit for finding it. Like they say: Our brains were not made to handle HSIP so it makes sense that we would struggle with it, and shame just adds to the cycle. You recognizing that it's had negative effects on your life is already a huge step. Porn being seen as this "normal" or even "healthy" outlet keeps a lot of people from even getting to where you are so feel good about that!
I'm very new on my journey, but I have had very little urge to use PMO by being present and honest with myself. It's scary. I don't know if I've ever been honest with myself ever in my life. I used PMO and lies as way to hide myself. Hiding kept me safe, or so I thought. I think of it this way though. Do I want to feel "safe" in a dark, lonely cave or do I want to experience real life with all its highs and lows and feel scared sometimes. I'm choosing that latter. I'm seeing a therapist, I'm planning on doing EMDR, I'm staying away from being alone with the internet as much as I can. You can do this!
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addictnomore
Guest
TheNorman said:
This is a great analogy. Honestly, I get so little joy from it now, I might as well stop. At this point, it really is just habit. And, of course, my trashed brain chemistry. At least I'm on the right path, and the reality of my porn use becomes more and more apparent each day. It is really difficult to see myself in the mirror and realize that the image that I have been displaying to the public hides this addiction.
I think with porn, there is the way it makes you look at others, the way it makes you feel about yourself: both just not based in reality. But the biggest thing is the dishonesty. You're lying to your body by rewarding this drive to have sex with MO, your brain is lying to you by rewarding you with dopamine when you PMO and you're lying to everyone around you when you say it's not affecting you. Habits are hard to break. Hard to break isn't impossible.
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addictnomore
Guest
TheNorman said:
Mic drop
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addictnomore
Guest
This is so hard. This sounds alarmist, but don't be alarmed. But in many ways, I wish I was dead. I've been thinking a lot about dying, but I'm not really at risk. I have no means, no plan, and I'm too scared to do it. But I do fantasize about getting COVID or some other means of passive death. I just feel like I'll never get out of this, and I want to be rid of the guilt and shame of it all.
Thanks again for listening. And please don't be alarmed. I'm just being honest about how I feel right now.
Thanks again for listening. And please don't be alarmed. I'm just being honest about how I feel right now.
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addictnomore
Guest
I'm sorry. One more post.
What truly frightens me is how when I'm on a binge, I almost completely lose touch with reality. I'm in a space where only porn exists, everything else is forgotten. It feels good until it comes crashing down, and I look back and wonder how I could have just spent most of the day in a dark room PMO when there is so much life to live. To lose control like that, for my mind to be so clouded and unchecked. It's crazy.
I wish I had someone to talk to right now, but I appreciate having this forum to share my thoughts and know that someone will read them, even if not right now.
This really sucks.
What truly frightens me is how when I'm on a binge, I almost completely lose touch with reality. I'm in a space where only porn exists, everything else is forgotten. It feels good until it comes crashing down, and I look back and wonder how I could have just spent most of the day in a dark room PMO when there is so much life to live. To lose control like that, for my mind to be so clouded and unchecked. It's crazy.
I wish I had someone to talk to right now, but I appreciate having this forum to share my thoughts and know that someone will read them, even if not right now.
This really sucks.
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addictnomore
Guest
I told my best friend last night about my addiction and binge yesterday. He has dealt for years with alcohol addiction, so he understands what addiction is like. Talking with him took a huge load off of my shoulders. I went to bed feeling better, but I woke up still feeling a sense of hopelessness and sick to my stomach. Facing it is making me feel it, big time.
Right now, I am going through an urge to PMO. I am trying to sit with it and not give in. My brain is saying, "Don't worry about it. It's not big deal. Just do it. One time is fine. If you do it, you will feel better and forget your troubles." I am going to try to resist. I have a lot to do right now. I'll have some breakfast and try to get some work done.
Right now, I am going through an urge to PMO. I am trying to sit with it and not give in. My brain is saying, "Don't worry about it. It's not big deal. Just do it. One time is fine. If you do it, you will feel better and forget your troubles." I am going to try to resist. I have a lot to do right now. I'll have some breakfast and try to get some work done.
Andrew1973
Active Member
Have you tried the 6pt plan ANM? Did it help at all? It helped quite a few of us in here - the trouble is that when your resolve feels weak, you tend to forget about these tools. Take care.
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addictnomore
Guest
UKGuy said:
I have printed out the 6 pt plan. I'm going to try to adhere to it the next time I feel a strong urge.
