36, married w/ kids

[NewLife_NewMan]

I realized how important it is to join up on here and to start up a journal.  I have read a few stories from another site similar to this and seem to not fit in quite where everyone is at.  However here, the journals are all different and there have been success stories.  I am feeling like I will be one.

I've always been pessimistic, lack confidence, angry, timid, and list any other negative emotional response to a person.. that would be me.

I hid in a shell of a man that people believed me to be. This has caused my wife extreme emotional pain over our 11 year relationship, and more so since she found out so much about me.  Before, it had always been my angry ways.  My lack of healthy communication had caused alot of our arguements.  Hated being wrong, always felt talked down to or belittled, and so much more.  After fights I would realize that her intentions are not always as I seen them.  Reading about anger management led me down some new paths of handling it, but I could never fully delve into it because I was still a deceitful person by not telling her of my noticing other women or my masterbation (mostly edging) that we agreed to not have in our relationship.

Early in our relationship, I had watched porn which when she caught me, it upset her badly.  I felt horrible, dirty, and couldnt bare to see her hurt like that. I also couldnt lose her as she was the best person I have ever met that loved me.  I stayed straight with her on porn for 8 years.  This mostly happened because her and I worked together the same shift, came home together, shopped together, travelled together, had the same friends, etc.  After our first child we started being apart one night a week. I stayed committed to not watching it as the guilt would fester just knowing if I did, I would taint our pc and home.

After our second child, we started working apart two nights. Still didnt want to bring it in the house, I eventually started watching it at the work place as I worked in an environment that made it possible.  This had gone on up until recent.  I had gaps when watching. The guilt sat strong enough that I wouldnt be doing it all the time. But it eventually creeps back in.  It would be porn subs and porn.  I felt that the porn subs were the lesser evil of the two, however that hurt her more.  In the process of letting her know (it came out over a few days) I was afraid of losing her and my three children.  It was a reality that i felt while doing it, but once it was out, it sunk me.  To see her hurt so bad sunk me deeper too.

It had been quite a few weeks already that I hadn't watched porn or porn subs. I got extremely hooked on call of duty modern warfare which allowed my mind to not wander there as much either.  I would spend hours playing this game

Anyway, her and I have been working hard to uncover everything that will help us grow and heal from this.  It's hard, each day presenting new challenges. I have started therapy and am currently looking for further therapy directly related tensex therapy.  Reading on ybop, here, anger, and realizing where my weaknesses as a person exist, how they exist.
What I have found is addictions in general have run my life.

12 years old I seen porn for the first time. Teen years led to internet porn, 17 was my first relationship which had porn in it, but not spoken about because I was never comfortable talking about masterbation. That was a 6 yr relationship with many problems.  Next relationship led to more addictions (cocaine), still unspoken porn addiction, marijuana, alcohol, and a smoker for 7 years by this point. 
I never had a real relationship with a woman. My mother paved the way for this and led me into many of my bad habits and lack of confidence.

I dated a few other people and knew they werent right, then I met the love of my life.  She had it all.  Incredible woman, emotionally intelligent (which is why we clashed, because I wasn't), beautiful, funny, the list goes on. Just a kind soul that I couldn't level up to.. and she tolerated that because she found love in me.

I knew I needed to work on my anger, and I just didn't know how and what really caused it, other than my weaker ability to communicate, being hard on myself for everything, self doubt, and so on.

I started listening to an audiobook called Going Deeper: How the inner child impacts your sexual addiction.  And WOW...  I am only a couple chapters in, and I have taken so much from this.. digging deep into my past relationships, and it adds up.  I highly recommend this book.  I will update on this as I listen to it more.

I have stopped smoking marijuana, drinking, and also the hard one.. gaming.  I have been a gamer all of my life, from super Nintendo's mario and zelda, up to call of duty since 2004 to now.  Well, I have been craving to play it.. everyday.. I realize I don't have time in life for this anymore.  I made the choice to sell my system and games.  At first I figured I didn't need to. I would keep it to play games with the kids eventually or play a game with my wife.. then I thought more, and I dont have the time! Self help, parenting help, relationship help, career info, projects at home
... I have enough on my plate.  Sold it tonight and feel great about it.
Sorry for rambling, I have found a ton of clarity with myself now that I know my new self and how far I want to go to grow!

I need to be patient and kind to myself.  I don't feel porn is going to be a challenge as it's been near 8 weeks already and far between on the times I have done it.  I feel so much damn shame for how bad my wife feels.. about this, what memories are real about us, her self image, how her life she knew is now an old life, and so on.

She is a beautiful person to stick around after the lies and hurt. I have come to terms that it may not be this way in the future.  I want to see her truely happy, and if it's not me that can do that after me working on myself and our relationship, then that is what it will be.  She is a great mother to our three children, always has everyone's best interests at heart too. 

I don't know the exact number of days for PM, so I figured I would start my counter from the last time her and I had sex which was July 5th.  Oh, to be on that topic now.  We had sex twice after she found out, both went horribly.. BUT.. I only then realized I never knew how to truely be intimate with her.. I never knew what it was like to take time to make love and not try to just give her an orgasm and then me have one too.. I learned from porn and from previous relationships.. which were completely wrong!  I missed out on so many years with her.  And so did she.. I also feel I would have been able to learn sooner that PM was so wrong for me.  We spent a few nights (hours at a time)  making out and being close.. that is so much more that I didn't know I was capable of.. and has given me a starting ground to woo her more and more going forward!.

Last edging...  masterbation... I had through our relationship masturbated... tried not to do it often, but still had.. and by not doing it often meant I would edge too.. my purpose if this was I didn't want it to affect us in the bedroom.  Well, now that she knows this, she has found research which is confirmed on YBOP, edging floods your brain with dopamine.  I believe this has a direct relation as to why I never lost the want for porn. That and I haven't had a real relationship with a woman, learned from porn at an early age, so never could really put together how it was so wrong.. just knew from the hurt of my wife and that I felt tons of negative emotions before during and after. 

I am dedicating more time to reading anti porn material to remind myself what a nasty world it is and how it directly correlates to even worse things in this world.

Last, objectifying women.  This is the hardest part of our problem right now.  With all my wife is feeling, we are not able to go in public currently.  Seeing any women is a trigger for her or I.  I am afraid to see someone with tight clothes or little clothes and notice their bodies.  I really don't want to objectify them.. this has been the case in the past too.  I would always look away or down, or have to focus elsewhere as I didn't want to take them in.  I need to read more on this and figure out how to stop seeing it this way. Its exhausting to live like that and it's not fair to my wife either.  I really wanna have no focus on someone's looks and to be able to go anywhere in public and think about anything else at all and not be consumed by thoughts and fears of what if someone attractive is near by. 

Anyway.. will update now that I have it here.  I havent proof read this as it is so long and late now..  I may go back and edit later.  Glad this community exists!

 

[J01]

Thanks for sharing your story-you have a lot to fight for.  Hopefully you can find good replacements for a lot of the things you are leaving behind.  Kids, marriage, working-even when things are just "normal" those things can be challenging-don't need to make it worse, right?  Best wishes forward and keep the updates coming. 

 

[NewLife_NewMan]

17 days with no orgasms.  Much longer for PME. One thing that my wife and I had discussed is our intimacy and how we were spending a couple hours a night for a few nights in a row where we were having sex but I didn't O.  I'm not sure if that type of edging is healthy for my reboot. Discussing it with her, we do feel it is a great part of building intimacy together since we are not making it just about finishing.

I believe I may be in the flatline period?  Not sure since I still have morning erections, but the rest of the day I feel no sensations at all.  Havent been putting any thought into it either.. which is quite nice to be honest.  We had been less intimate for reasons, but when we were just holding and kissing, I wasn't feeling the crazy erections I was the week prior.  Not sure what to think of this, but thought worth noting.

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

Hey NewLife_NewMan (NL_NM)

First of all welcome on this forum. That was quite a post! I just wanted to say to you that this following part is something that I, and some other guys on the forum, 100% resontate with:

Oh, to be on that topic now.  We had sex twice after she found out, both went horribly.. BUT.. I only then realized I never knew how to truely be intimate with her.. I never knew what it was like to take time to make love and not try to just give her an orgasm and then me have one too.. I learned from porn and from previous relationships.. which were completely wrong!  I missed out on so many years with her.  And so did she.. I also feel I would have been able to learn sooner that PM was so wrong for me.

I think a lot of us have distorted notions on how we perceive and act in sexual encounters. Almost robotic some would say. For me personally this is something that I have to re-learn after years of PMO.

On this part:

Last, objectifying women.  This is the hardest part of our problem right now.  With all my wife is feeling, we are not able to go in public currently.  Seeing any women is a trigger for her or I.  I am afraid to see someone with tight clothes or little clothes and notice their bodies.  I really don't want to objectify them.. this has been the case in the past too.  I would always look away or down, or have to focus elsewhere as I didn't want to take them in.  I need to read more on this and figure out how to stop seeing it this way. Its exhausting to live like that and it's not fair to my wife either.  I really wanna have no focus on someone's looks and to be able to go anywhere in public and think about anything else at all and not be consumed by thoughts and fears of what if someone attractive is near by. 

I would like to advice caution on not to flee from the reality of your addiction. Although it may be painful for you as a couple to be confronted with beautiful women. They will always be around. Now, I'm not saying you should immediately step out and ignore the hurt feelings and your fear of objectification. But, I think there might be room for some acceptance later on, after the healing is done.


Anyway, it's good that you've come to this forum. You will find a nice supportive community with likeminded people here. We all have different ages, races, religion and pornographic preferences, but we all have one thing in common; we want to get rid of this nasty addiction.

On the part of you quitting PMO-ing, have you already identified your triggers? Situation in which you are proned to PMO? Are they emotion, being alone, stuff like that? Mapping those will really help you in preventing PMO and thus slowly ridding yourself of the addiction.

Good luck and stay safe. I hope to read more of your journey

 

[NewLife_NewMan]

Thanks for the welcome.

We had several days of not being intimate, more ups and downs as expected.  More of me reverting to old ways (defensiveness, poor communication skills, anger, not holding her heart close enough when we talk about the hard things)

I find that I am being more open to discussing my wrong doings and how I can better handle myself. I feel with much more reading, therapy, and mindfulness, I should be able to get better at this.

I am overwhelmed by how much I need to work on, but excited to get the ball rolling on it.  It's a gift to recognize that I have not matured in so many ways.  I have been stuck in my young ways, without really noticing, until you are forced to do so.

She confronted me about the types of women I was viewing (writing this is hard because it disgusts me thinking about it) and it threw her into a rage, which is not the way she has been handling it this whole time.  I didn't view it the way she did, I seen it as porn, bodies, and that was it.  I hadn't seen that I havent matured in my takes on women.  I know I prefer a mature woman, but when it comes to younger women, I seen it as all the same.. until I'm faced with it within context. Examples were what if she were finding herself into her nephews friends sexually. She gave more examples of younger women (20 years old was the definition of young btw).  It made me feel sick to know I wasn't considering this. Even though I know my preference, I still hadn't created boundaries or matured enough to decide to be mindful of this. Anyway, I have a path and know that I am not wanting to be in the past, rather than have new views. This will take time, therapy, and reading.  Also talking out loud with my wife about it is therapeutic once I allow myself to be more vulnerable and mindful.

I was shocked to find out how my childhood plays a direct part in my ways. I absolutely think anyone struggling whether in a relationship or not would benefit from this audiobook

Going Deeper - Understanding How the Inner Child Impacts Your Sexual Addiction: The Road to Recovery Goes Through Your Childhood
https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/51169023-going-deeper

I haven't completed it, but it is part of my recovery process.  It plays a big role currently because it is going to help sort through parts of me that I didn't know were a problem, and also allow me to apply it directly to raising my children to be better than I.

Also, my wife is going through her process as well.  We have been talking openly about what her needs are too, which is why we are having the ups and downs.  She has an audio book that is helping too.  It is a step in the right direction, but still have much more to do with this.  We are coming to head with things, and it seems to make it harder to focus on my recovery, however it leaves me feeling selfish if I say I can not give her any attention to helping her heal. We are finding recommendations to work on ourselves before trying to work on us together.  I think that while we are, still working on communication, fighting in a healthy manner, and intimacy are gluing us together during this. The strain isn't constant and we need that.

I rambled quite a bit here, but this is my journal and need to have it out there.

20 days without PMEO.  Have had two more times with my wife where we had sex, both I didn't finish.. however still feel confused if this is considered edging or not... it seems worth it when we are connecting. Also gives me great pleasure to know I have the control over myself to not have to orgasm. It's an accomplishment that I never even dreamt up of being a possibility. 

I do understand. I have fear as it directly relates to my wife's self esteem and self worth.  Triggers and fear of my own self as well.  I do want to be at a place where I can see women for what and who they are and let it be just that, and not be about their bodies.  I do feel that way in general, but I know I spend time in fear until I find comfort.  My goal is to feel comfortable knowing I can see someone as beautiful and not think beyond that.  If that makes sense.  It's hard to put it into words when I discuss it.

As far as triggers I have cut everything out that could be at this time.  Alone would be the main reason i was able to go down that road.  I know at this time I don't need anything to stop me.. I am already sure that I will not hit that fork in the road again even if alone.  The tools of being open and honest with my wife, reading  learning, therapy and feeling disgusted with myself (old self) are enough to know I am done with it.  Understanding porn for what it is and not what I thought of it as before is an eye opener. 

Anyway, I get it now, I just need to build an arsenal of information to keep me realizing the issues with it, the issues the people who are in it have as well.  I feel terrible knowing their lives are being destroyed by putting themselves in that position.  I don't like that I contributed by being apart of it either.  Something I wish I could have truely understood as a teen so I didn't have to feel like it was normal in the real world. It ruined my views of women, my understanding of true intimacy and what real sex actually feels like. 

I am learning now which is a positive that I am holding onto as it is not healthy to keep myself thinking negative.

20 days down, 70 to go.  I got this.

 

[NewLife_NewMan]

27 days of no pmeo.

I'm now realizing that with this, a therapist that I just started seeing, and not working currently,  I am still struggling.

Not with pmeo, but with myself.  My inability to be calm and caring for myself.  I am realizing how hard it is to fix the root cause.  I can keep a grasp no problem on the issues most on here struggle with.  But, my personality, how broken I feel.  How I beat myself up into thinking I am shame.  Not that I have done shameful things.  I am a failure is another I tell myself often, not that I have just failed at this and will try again.  I separate it by listening to an audio book about the inner child, also an article about it, and my wife who even through the pain she is feeling, but that inner critic is just built so deep into my core that I feel stupid trying to talk to myself.  I can do it, but even with some of the powerful things written in a gratitude way, I still struggle and the inner child is able to hold me down with my typical emotions.

***
This update was never finished being posted, I left the page open and didnt visit again.

It is now 30 days of no pmeo.  However, I feel like that isn't correct anymore, i had a wet dream two nights ago.  It was very disheartening.  I felt good with the length of progress and how easy it was feeling to abstain completely, how in control.  It was a loss of control since i literally was unable to have a say in it happening, otherwise it wouldn't have. 

I dealt with the feelings of disappointment throughout the day.  However, once I woke, I dealt with shame, disappointment, sadness.  I told my wife right away about the wet dream.  I felt myself in my dream purposefully being deceitful, and also telling myself that I was objectifying, and that I shouldn't.  Then woke.

Anyway, I took those as good signs that my mind is wrestling with my good ways.  I felt better with having my partner to share the info with, and I journaled my thoughts on this situation.  I also gratitude journaled and did affirmations the best I can in my mind state. This is all helpful to get in a clearer headspace to start the day after beginning disappointed.

I still struggled with lying about some small petty things about porn subs with my wife.  It still seems extremely difficult to have my mind know that the feeling of being shame is still strong and holding me back from just being honest at the first sign of a question. She now doesn't believe me when I say there is nothing else.  I have been thinking hard everyday since then to know if there is anything more, I truly believe it's all out, but i understand her hurt since none of this was self disclosure.

I'm ready to move forward. 

Things that are helping me with my addiction and personal issues


Objectifying women - reading stories of women's perspectives of this behavior, listening to the articles my wife finds about it as well. My wife also has an attractive body shape that I have a hard time keeping my eyes off of her.  So, I am practicing keeping my eyes to myself, and when I don't, i am journaling the time i have noticed and what i have done to try and stop.  It's quite shocking actually how often my mind trails to her body. It prohibits me from taking more time to think about her inner beauty and qualities she provides.

Sex and porn addiction - not allowing myself any room for anything that would be considered a porn sub.  More or less  staying off my phone and internet when I can.  I feel I would handle it right if I seen an ad that made me feel, bit i also am not ready to disappoint myself with having thoughts about what I may see.  I however know that I will be honest about it to better help myself and not feeling alone with my thoughts.  She has a podcast she listens to, it's a couple that have been through cheating and they find radical transparency to work wonders for their marriage.  It allows for them to speak about their every thought and feeling while not have the other spouse have to ask tons of questions.  For example.. how was your day?  "Good".  What did you do today? "Went shopping".  And then the questions will keep coming.  Which will ultimately lead to leaving details out intentionally or even unintentionally.

So instead... how was your day? "Good actually.  I started off with morning wood, had to fight the urge to come ravage you in the morning.  Got showered and did my journaling.  My drive to work was slow because of".. and so on.  Leaving no details out helps keep each other feeling safe.

I like this idea especially since there is no trust at this time.  I'm going to work really hard at this.

I have much more I want to add but no time. Just know I feel on the tight path currently and will continue to push through the negative thoughts that lead me to feeling failure, since this is my biggest enemy.