Sooo, here I find myself, a place I didn't know even existed....
I am writing my first post in the hopes that, like most of you.I can feel less alone, less betrayed, less gob-smacked and sad/scared.
I've always struggled with trust issues regarding men, when I do begin to love, I usually become triggered in this area, become vulnerable...it has always been a tough stage to go through for both myself and the man that I am falling for.
I discoveted around a month ago that my sweet, sincere, quiet man, someone I had just lbegun to trust and believe in had a serious sexting problem. I found video chat sites complete with many years of his sexual activities stored, a collection of sorts, scrap-book memories full of voyeurism and exhibitionism on his laptop.
Going through his phone I discovered a common theme, he tended to lead texts with women, some friends of his even, into a convo that could become sexual. I could see that he would test the waters, throwing in a 'wood morning' instead of good morning. I confronted him, he had many excuses..."I haven't cam sexed in a long time", "I mostly went on there to chat and meet new people around the world". The serious, incredibly overtly sexual sexting was w one woman. I met this man in Jan 2020, we had recently said that we both love each other, (still true, for me, he insists the same) in june/july. I discovered hundreds upon hundreds of lewd, very dirty sexts between him and her that preceded me, (he has known her for 10 yrs, apparently they were fwbs) and continued in earnest from the moment he met me until mid June. Texts requesting pics, describing what he wanted to do w her, that he couldn't wait to see her and do all these things. I found hundreds of photos and many videos of her/him/them in hotel rooms that could easily be submitted in an amateur section of an adult site.
I called her in front of him and discovered that she had no idea that he had been in a relationship with me.
Essentially, he says that he never slept w her once he met me but couldn't control himself w sexting. He initially didn't admit to much, it was a slow process of discovery, presenting proof to him to make him start being truthful. A bit like pulling teeth. He now admits he thinks he has compulsions, sexting might be the big one, im not sure though. Cam sex, photo sharing and dirty sexting coupled with some sort of attraction to voyeurism/exhibitionism (consenting adults). He speaks of not being addicted to porn, moreso when "he needs to get out of his head", he would reach for all of what I've explained. He even admits to not necessarily being aware that he could start sexualizing when texting a female.
He works a lot, is on the road and mostly in hotels, alone during the work week. He says that all he needs is me, now that he is in a relationship w a woman he loves he doesn't feel compelled to go back to his behaviors. He has put qustodio and MMguardian on his phone, laptop, is just beginning to start counselling w a properly qualified clinician, is actually very patient with my massive outbursts of anger, sadness and flip flopping about ending it. I love this man.
And now here I am, deeply hurt, betrayed, feel as if I've been turned inside out...im super paranoid and check the apps to see if he is trying anything. I wonder if he meets women wherever he is and sleeps w them in his hotel rooms. If he has a secret laptop/phone. The monitoring apps don't always work so this adds to my stress. My mind is in overdrive, my heart has been badly wounded and to begin to trust that he will never slip up is beyond my capabilities right now. I worry a lot. To have trust issues to begin with and then discover his secret world...well, you get the picture.
Thanks to all who took the time to read my first post, it was a labor of patience to tap this out on my cell, lol.
I am writing my first post in the hopes that, like most of you.I can feel less alone, less betrayed, less gob-smacked and sad/scared.
I've always struggled with trust issues regarding men, when I do begin to love, I usually become triggered in this area, become vulnerable...it has always been a tough stage to go through for both myself and the man that I am falling for.
I discoveted around a month ago that my sweet, sincere, quiet man, someone I had just lbegun to trust and believe in had a serious sexting problem. I found video chat sites complete with many years of his sexual activities stored, a collection of sorts, scrap-book memories full of voyeurism and exhibitionism on his laptop.
Going through his phone I discovered a common theme, he tended to lead texts with women, some friends of his even, into a convo that could become sexual. I could see that he would test the waters, throwing in a 'wood morning' instead of good morning. I confronted him, he had many excuses..."I haven't cam sexed in a long time", "I mostly went on there to chat and meet new people around the world". The serious, incredibly overtly sexual sexting was w one woman. I met this man in Jan 2020, we had recently said that we both love each other, (still true, for me, he insists the same) in june/july. I discovered hundreds upon hundreds of lewd, very dirty sexts between him and her that preceded me, (he has known her for 10 yrs, apparently they were fwbs) and continued in earnest from the moment he met me until mid June. Texts requesting pics, describing what he wanted to do w her, that he couldn't wait to see her and do all these things. I found hundreds of photos and many videos of her/him/them in hotel rooms that could easily be submitted in an amateur section of an adult site.
I called her in front of him and discovered that she had no idea that he had been in a relationship with me.
Essentially, he says that he never slept w her once he met me but couldn't control himself w sexting. He initially didn't admit to much, it was a slow process of discovery, presenting proof to him to make him start being truthful. A bit like pulling teeth. He now admits he thinks he has compulsions, sexting might be the big one, im not sure though. Cam sex, photo sharing and dirty sexting coupled with some sort of attraction to voyeurism/exhibitionism (consenting adults). He speaks of not being addicted to porn, moreso when "he needs to get out of his head", he would reach for all of what I've explained. He even admits to not necessarily being aware that he could start sexualizing when texting a female.
He works a lot, is on the road and mostly in hotels, alone during the work week. He says that all he needs is me, now that he is in a relationship w a woman he loves he doesn't feel compelled to go back to his behaviors. He has put qustodio and MMguardian on his phone, laptop, is just beginning to start counselling w a properly qualified clinician, is actually very patient with my massive outbursts of anger, sadness and flip flopping about ending it. I love this man.
And now here I am, deeply hurt, betrayed, feel as if I've been turned inside out...im super paranoid and check the apps to see if he is trying anything. I wonder if he meets women wherever he is and sleeps w them in his hotel rooms. If he has a secret laptop/phone. The monitoring apps don't always work so this adds to my stress. My mind is in overdrive, my heart has been badly wounded and to begin to trust that he will never slip up is beyond my capabilities right now. I worry a lot. To have trust issues to begin with and then discover his secret world...well, you get the picture.
Thanks to all who took the time to read my first post, it was a labor of patience to tap this out on my cell, lol.
