The mind replays what the heart can't delete.

Cyberian

New Member
Sooo, here I find myself, a place I didn't know even existed....
I am writing my first post in the hopes that, like most of you.I can feel less alone, less betrayed, less gob-smacked and sad/scared.
I've always struggled with trust issues regarding men, when I do begin to love, I usually become triggered in this area, become vulnerable...it has always been a tough stage to go through for both myself and the man that I am falling for.
I discoveted around a month ago that my sweet, sincere, quiet man, someone I had just lbegun to trust and believe in had a serious sexting problem.  I found video chat sites complete with many years of his sexual activities stored, a collection of sorts, scrap-book memories full of voyeurism and exhibitionism on his laptop.
Going through his phone I discovered a common theme, he tended to lead texts with women, some friends of his even, into a convo that could become sexual.  I could see that he would test the waters, throwing in a 'wood morning' instead of good morning.  I confronted him, he had many excuses..."I haven't cam sexed in a long time", "I mostly went on there to chat and meet new people around the world".  The serious, incredibly overtly sexual sexting was w one woman.  I met this man in Jan 2020, we had recently said that we both love each other, (still true, for me, he insists the same) in june/july.  I discovered hundreds upon hundreds of lewd, very dirty sexts between him and her that preceded me, (he has known her for 10 yrs, apparently they were fwbs) and continued in earnest from the moment he met me until mid June.  Texts requesting pics, describing what he wanted to do w her, that he couldn't wait to see her and do all these things.  I found hundreds of photos and many videos of her/him/them in hotel rooms that could easily be submitted in an amateur section of an adult site.
I called her in front of him and discovered that she had no idea that he had been in a relationship with me. 
Essentially, he says that he never slept w her once he met me but couldn't control himself w sexting.  He initially didn't admit to much, it was a slow process of discovery, presenting proof to him to make him start being truthful. A bit like pulling teeth. He now admits he thinks he has compulsions, sexting might be the big one, im not sure though.  Cam sex, photo sharing and dirty sexting  coupled with some sort of attraction to voyeurism/exhibitionism (consenting adults). He speaks of not being addicted to porn, moreso when "he needs to get out of his head", he would reach for all of what I've explained.  He even admits to not necessarily being aware that he could start sexualizing when texting a female.
He works a lot, is on the road and mostly in hotels, alone during the work week.  He says that all he needs is me, now that he is in a relationship w a woman he loves he doesn't feel compelled to go back to his behaviors.  He has put qustodio and MMguardian on his phone, laptop, is just beginning to start counselling w a properly qualified clinician, is actually very patient with my massive outbursts of anger, sadness and flip flopping about ending it.  I love this man. 
And now here I am, deeply hurt, betrayed, feel as if I've been turned inside out...im super paranoid and check the apps to see if he is trying anything.  I wonder if he meets women wherever he is and sleeps w them in his hotel rooms.  If he has a secret laptop/phone.    The monitoring apps don't always work so this adds to my stress.  My mind is in overdrive, my heart has been badly wounded and to begin to trust that he will never slip up is beyond my capabilities right now. I worry a lot.  To have trust issues to begin with and then discover his secret world...well, you get the picture.
Thanks to all who took the time to read my first post, it was a labor of patience to tap this out on my cell, lol.
 

mousemat1

Well-Known Member
Hi Cyberian.

So, where to begin?

I'm a porn addict.

There are other women on this forum who consider porn use a form of 'cheating'. Personally, I don't think it's quite that straight forward, but as I'm not a woman in a relationship with a man who is addicted to porn I wouldn't presume to tell a woman that she shouldn't feel cheated on by a man who uses porn.

I discovered porn as an adolescent without understanding the consequences. It was exciting, it was giving me dopamine hits that made me feel good (although I didn't know that this was the process taking place). I was a very heavy porn user and it escalated to some pretty weird stuff. I have a long term partner. I met her while I was addicted to porn. I've never been unfaithful to her (unless you consider porn use an act of infidelity). I write this because sometimes porn addicts prefer porn to real encounters because, quite frankly, porn is often more exciting than the real thing. The fact that porn allows me to 'switch partners' every 30 seconds, thereby giving the brain a fresh squirt of dopamine on every new encounter, just makes it more exciting. Sadly, it completely lacks human warmth and feeling, which is why I'm fighting this addiction. I have a real flesh and blood woman, who I love very much, and I want to have a real, loving relationship with her. So, just because your man is using artificial stimulation (porn comes in many forms, not just videos), doesn't mean he's actually going out and having sex with other women. I suppose you would have to actually catch him in the act to know for sure.

I can't imagine how you feel. The problem we face in every relationship is that there is no way I can get inside another persons mind and know what they are thinking and feeling. You may argue about intuition, but the reality is that it's not possible. For example, my partner doesn't know I'm a porn addict. She doesn't have any idea. I'm so good at hiding it. I doubt anyone in my circle of friends knows I'm a porn addict. My partner tells me that she loves me, but there is no way of knowing if that is the truth. I just have to accept 'on faith' that it's true because she's with me. However, there could be other reasons why she stays with me not related to 'love'. I know that I love her, because I can see my own thoughts to know if it's true.

Which brings me to 'trust' and I really don't know what to advise here. This is your life and you have to make the decisions that you hope are right for you.

I'm confused by something in you post. Do you have actual evidence that he was unfaithful to you with this woman? You give the impression that you have found images and videos "of her/him/them in hotel rooms that could easily be submitted in an amateur section of an adult site". It's just that you wrote that you met him in January 2020 and that some of these texts and images cover the period from when you met him to mid June. So, if I have understood correctly, he had been carrying on an affair with another woman, not just texting, for six months of your relationship. You have to decide if you want to be with a man who has been having sex with another woman behind your back. Yes, men can change. It is possible that he had doubts about your relationship at the beginning which was why he was reluctant to cut ties with this other woman. As he has become more convinced that you are the one, he might have ended his contact with the other woman. My partner told me that she had a boyfriend when we met (I had no idea about it) and that she only really broke off with him after a month or two once she was convinced I was the one. So, it's possible this is why there is an overlap between relationships with your partner. Anyway, this is more relationship guidance than an explanation of porn addiction and I'm not an expert on relationships.

The decision is yours. Do you stay with him or not? I'm sorry I can't give you a definitive answer because, as I mentioned before, you can never really know another person. I wish you luck, and I'm sorry to hear about the situation. I wouldn't be happy in your shoes.
 

Cyberian

New Member
Mousemat, thank you so much for your insight and for sharing.  I see that I didn't present the situation with that woman in a particularly clear manner; apologies, now I am on my laptop so it should be a billion times easier to explain what I had attempted to express.
I don't have definitive proof about whether he and she have had physical contact with one another at any point while I have been in the picture.  According to both of them, (I have spoken to her twice on the phone, quickly before they would have had the chance to match up stories, timelines)  he met her on Adultfriendfinder about 10 yrs ago, became sexual with no strings attached.  She moved 3 hours away around 9 yrs ago....as he travels for work there have been many times over the years that he would be in her city, pick her up, bring her to his hotel and have sex with her.  It was over these years that he curated his collection of sexual pics and videos of him/her them in the hotel rooms.  He has had them on his phone the entire time until I found out about them.  Regarding the sexting; now that has gone on between them for years and continued in earnest even though he had met me in Jan 2020.  I had scrolled through all of the texts and have seen that he was actively sexting her, requesting pics, talking very dirty, suggesting that he would see her soon all the way up until mid June 2020.  This is where I saw that he stopped responding to her, effectively ghosting her.  He has said that he broke off contact because he had become certain that he loved me and did not want to have contact with her because he loved me.  The betrayal for me is that I could see that from Jan through June, while I believed we were opening up to one another and becoming an exclusive, bonded couple, he was furiously sexting with her, and indicating her would see her again, often while he had texted me sweet little greetings, (that weren't sexual at all, more declarations of lovely emotion).  This woman had been involved in group sex, Dom/Sub situations and I am aware that he found this to be titillating.  Apparently he never crossed over into that world but was very attracted to it.
In summation, I have only their words saying that the last time they had sex was in Nov/Dec, a month or so before he met me.  I will never truly know if this is true, it is hard to fathom considering the texts that I had read.  According to them it was just sexting.  I do consider this as a betrayal.  You don't sext other women if you are beginning to develop a relationship.
I indeed do wish to crawl around in his head once, so I can discover if he has been completely truthful with me, to find out to what extent cam sex, and his craving to become sexual in texts with women affects him.  He has said that pornography was never something that he was compelled to look at.  It seems too perfect that the 'lightbulb of love' has suddenly been turned on and he has walked away from all of it.  I actually work in mental health and have good insight into the changes that can occur in our brains; receptors, dopamine, opioid system, etc.  The pathways are there now, and I am doubtful when he tells me that this is all in the past.  Here is a good excerpt from Psychology Today:  "Insatiable sexual hunger is not really a desire ?an act of will? but rather a desperate need, a compulsion that is experienced as a craving. The need is pursued like a drug. Although sex addicts are enslaved to sex, it is far from their goal. Rather, the pursuit of sex is in service of a different goal? to dispel feelings of inadequacy, depression, anxiety, rage or other feelings that the sex addict experiences as unbearable. Like a drug addict or alcoholic, the sex addict relentlessly seeks satisfaction from an external source to palliate an internal pain."-Dr. F Praver.  Sex addicts, porn addicts, the compulsions my partner has, it is all the same. 
You say something powerfully true, "I just have to accept On Faith".  You are so right, and yet how can?  I had been doing exactly that with him until I discovered all this.  How does one begin again?
I appreciated reading your post, thank you!
 

mousemat1

Well-Known Member
Hi Cyberian.

If he was sexting her while in a relationship with you, then I agree, this is a betrayal. I could understand if this had gone on for a couple of weeks, perhaps a month as he might have been reluctant to 'burn his bridges' with her if things with you didn't work out, but six months...

Like I said, people can change. Perhaps it was just difficult for him to break from her definitively at the time, and now he has. Time will tell I suppose. I imagine it's very stressful to be constantly doubting another person.

The quote from Psychology Today is very true. The problem you face, I think, is that your partner has been enjoying 'pornified' sex with this other woman. 'Normal' lovemaking is probably a pale substitution, at least for now. While I've never been unfaithful to my partner (if we overlook my porn use), sex with her just started to fail to meet up to my expectations. This is not a criticism of my partner. I am the person responsible for this state of affairs. Porn has warped my expectations because I was watching all manner of hardcore porn. I have rebooted several times (but unfortunately porn pulled me back) and in my experience 'normal' sex with my partner became exciting again. After relapsing to porn I'm back to square one, where I am suffering PIED. It is not the woman's responsibility to perform pornlike sexual acts in order to meet her partner's expectations unless she so wishes.

Your partner needs to eliminate all artificial sexual stimulation and concentrate on his relationship with you. That's much easier said than done to a person whose brain has been 'wired' to porn. I wish you luck.
 

J01

Active Member
Hi Cyberian.  What about your friends, your confidants, those close to you-what do they say about it?  How have they advised you? 
 
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