BigGermanPillow
Member
After many years of considering it, and occasionally half-heartedly trying it, I'm going to reboot today.
I last masturbated about twenty-five minutes ago, and instead of sleeping (as I justified the purpose of my masturbation), my shame is preventing me from shutting off right now. I'm feeling the need for sugary food, I'm feeling the need for a cigarette, I'm feeling the need for something to replace the negative feelings I have towards myself right now.
The thing is, I have ALWAYS had some relationship with pornography. When I was three years old, I discovered my first porn mag. It was under my brother's pillow, and I was fascinated by the pictures and wondered why I didn't see them anywhere else.
When I was about six, I used to invite my friends round to laugh at the videos of penises and vaginas my brother had painstakingly hidden under his bottom draw. No hiding place was difficult to find when you're a mischievous little brother. Around that time, I noticed my cousin didn't laugh with my other friends. He'd stare at the television, holding his hands in between his legs.
By the time I was eight, I knew why he didn't laugh. I also stopped inviting my friends round to laugh at my eighteen year old brother's stash. It was just for me (and him, of course). I began the habit when I was eight, and it has been with me since.
When I was a teenager, I think I had a somewhat 'normal' relationship with pornography: if I could find it, I would secretly watch it. But, it was usually incredibly difficult to come by and one lend of a friend's DVD would fill my imagination for almost a year. I was masturbating every day.
I lost my virginity when I was sixteen. Despite my porn usage, I wasn't desperate to have sex. In fact, I declined my first few offers as I was waiting for someone I actually really liked. Unfortunately, the relationship with the woman in question (I was sixteen, she was twenty) went on to become one of the biggest factors in my anxiety around intimacy. In a nutshell, I was in a nine month relationship with her, and began fearing her as she would often compare me to her exes, belittle me, and emotionally manipulated me. After I ended it out of true fear, I was single for the next three years.
Whenever I felt sad, or lonely, or horny, or fed up, or bored, porn was there.
After finally moving on (for the time being) from my first girlfriend, I had a few small relationships. The sex was okay, but going home to masturbate to porn was more satisfying. Those relationships didn't last long.
I went to focus on myself and my education, and while I was in my first year of University, I watched porn and had collected almost 100gb of it. I would spend hours searching for the right scene, but I never did find it. The porn I was watching wasn't the hardest, but it involved degradation and unrealistic portrayals of sex.
I entered a long distance relationship in my second year, and while I was away from my girlfriend, porn was my lover. Towards the end of our two years together, porn was waiting for me in the bathroom after an unsatisfying session with my boring beau.
In 2016, I became single for almost four and a half years...
Last February, I met with my first girlfriend, and the nostalgia got to me. We began sleeping with each other, but it was aggressive and usually patched up negativity which always lingered in the room we shared. I had a two week fling with her, and in those two weeks I suffered more emotional abuse than before. By March 2019, I had no confidence in my relationships with women, so I stepped away and watched porn and masturbated away my troubles.
Before I continue, I want to share something I have never told anybody else. Rather than my porn choices becoming more extreme, my methods of masturbation did. I went from dry hands to lube. From Durex play to the silicone stuff I used to see in the gonzo movies I wanked to. From there, I went on to masturbate using condoms and lube. Then I began using baby oil as well, and the splitting of the condom as I rapidly rubbed became a turn on. Then I began using rubber gloves, lube, and condoms. Finally, my standard practise for the past few years has been a condom, a water based lube, coconut oil, spit, and when the condom breaks, I'll double up the elastic base around my shaft and finish like that. If this continues, I dread to think what's next.
What has made me consider embracing change now? Maria...
Maria and I have been friends for the past year. Around the time we met, I had a brief fling with someone else and panicked as soon as we were about to have sex. Bad memories, guilt and shame flooded my brain and hijacked my flight or fight response and ended the fling in an instant. After that, I avoided intimacy.
At first, Maria and I only talked about our academic interests. Over a few months, she entered a relationship with someone and we were all friends. I fell out with her boyfriend sometime ago, but Maria and I remained friends.
At the end of 2019, Maria was diagnosed with anxiety and left her job as a result. We spoke a lot during that period.
Two months later, I suffered anxiety and stress and began contemplating quitting my job. Maria was who I turned to.
We developed a close bond, but there was no attraction initially. However, over lockdown, we called each other a lot. We never spoke of her relationship. Instead, we spoke of dreams, desires, family issues, academic pursuits, career goals...
After lockdown, we began going on walks and she would call me when she was upset. I began to develop an attraction to her.
She broke up with her boyfriend, and I decided that I was going to stop running away from my issues and face them. I was able to admit that I was in need of therapy regarding my intimacy issues, and while on a recent trip, I was able to tell Maria the way I felt about her. She felt the same way about me.
Prior to confessing my feelings, I had told Maria all about my ex, and how even after I had blocked her from all of my accounts, she still somehow managed to contact at frequent intervals.
Maria and I agreed to go slow: I was working on my insecurities and she had only recently broken up with her ex.
We tried to have sex, but I would stop, feel unable to breathe, and cry. Maria understood and reassured me there was no pressure and certainly no rush. Her compassion made me relax, and the next time we attempted to have sex, we were able. I wasn't fully erect, but I had managed to keep my emotions from hijacking my system.
We have been open and honest about our worries and fears. We also confessed to wanting to be in a relationship with each other (living independent lives, but sharing moments together), and I am a boyfriend for the first time in over four years. This time, however, it feels different. The amount of honesty we are trying to maintain in the relationship makes me feel that this is the best foundation I have ever had with somebody. If we want something, we say. If we are unhappy with the way someone said or did something, we talk about it. For the first time in my life, I feel like I am part of a team. I feel truly lucky to be in a relationship like this, and even though it has been less than a week since it began, I have a positive feeling that this could be something incredibly special.
I don't want to give up pornography for Maria. Instead, I want to give it up for me, so I can put my energy and effort into my recovery from my ex as well as my relationship with Maria. I want to be a team player.
I want love, and compassion, and honesty, and support, and good sex, and to share my life with someone who I fully trust. I want to grow with her. I don't want to have this secret part of my life to be there in the background any longer.
I masturbated tonight as it was my first time alone in six days. We have been away on a trip together - it was the most special trip of my life - and I wondered what masturbation would feel like. From the very beginning, I felt a lot of shame. I persisted, managing to forget my shame for lust. But as soon as I climaxed, I knew it wasn't as good as being with Maria.
I don't want to forget that.
Inspired by Mark Manson (for those that couldn't tell, I have been incredibly inspired by his recommendation of becoming vulnerable to grow), I am going to try my first proper porn diet. I intend to journal my 60 days on here. Perhaps I won't update every day, but perhaps I will. I don't know. I do know that I want to be regular to maintain this accountability and to fully be able to discuss my emotions and thoughts as the days go by.
MY PORN DIET IS AS FOLLOWS: -
- Watch / Look at ZERO pornographic material
- Avoid multiple lubricants and wrapping the elastic from condoms around my penis
- Abstain from masturbating if I am able to have sex with my girlfriend
- Limit masturbation to twice a week from week three
I don't fully believe it is necessary to give up masturbation. But, I will write more on that in future posts.
This was long. I avoided sugar, I avoided cigarettes, and now, I really should get some sleep.
Speak Soon!
BGP xx
---------
Did I use porn today?
Yes. I spent about an hour going through videos, failing to find the 'perfect' one. I used coconut oil, rubber glove, condom.
What were my triggers?
Going to bed alone. Being tired. Being without my girlfriend for the first time in six days. Feeling overwhelmed throughout the day due to tiredness.
How did I soothe my anxiety or stress?
I hung out with friends. I messaged my girlfriend a nice message before bed. I cried and hugged my best friend.
What am I grateful for today?
Maria. The past week we spent together was compassionate, fun, and inspiring!
A job interview. I don't know if I will get it, but if I do, it will be a step towards a new career. If I don't, it will prepare me for the next opportunity.
My friends. I don't like my hometown much, but I love my closest friends. They make me laugh and make me feel valid.
Day Counter: 0
I last masturbated about twenty-five minutes ago, and instead of sleeping (as I justified the purpose of my masturbation), my shame is preventing me from shutting off right now. I'm feeling the need for sugary food, I'm feeling the need for a cigarette, I'm feeling the need for something to replace the negative feelings I have towards myself right now.
The thing is, I have ALWAYS had some relationship with pornography. When I was three years old, I discovered my first porn mag. It was under my brother's pillow, and I was fascinated by the pictures and wondered why I didn't see them anywhere else.
When I was about six, I used to invite my friends round to laugh at the videos of penises and vaginas my brother had painstakingly hidden under his bottom draw. No hiding place was difficult to find when you're a mischievous little brother. Around that time, I noticed my cousin didn't laugh with my other friends. He'd stare at the television, holding his hands in between his legs.
By the time I was eight, I knew why he didn't laugh. I also stopped inviting my friends round to laugh at my eighteen year old brother's stash. It was just for me (and him, of course). I began the habit when I was eight, and it has been with me since.
When I was a teenager, I think I had a somewhat 'normal' relationship with pornography: if I could find it, I would secretly watch it. But, it was usually incredibly difficult to come by and one lend of a friend's DVD would fill my imagination for almost a year. I was masturbating every day.
I lost my virginity when I was sixteen. Despite my porn usage, I wasn't desperate to have sex. In fact, I declined my first few offers as I was waiting for someone I actually really liked. Unfortunately, the relationship with the woman in question (I was sixteen, she was twenty) went on to become one of the biggest factors in my anxiety around intimacy. In a nutshell, I was in a nine month relationship with her, and began fearing her as she would often compare me to her exes, belittle me, and emotionally manipulated me. After I ended it out of true fear, I was single for the next three years.
Whenever I felt sad, or lonely, or horny, or fed up, or bored, porn was there.
After finally moving on (for the time being) from my first girlfriend, I had a few small relationships. The sex was okay, but going home to masturbate to porn was more satisfying. Those relationships didn't last long.
I went to focus on myself and my education, and while I was in my first year of University, I watched porn and had collected almost 100gb of it. I would spend hours searching for the right scene, but I never did find it. The porn I was watching wasn't the hardest, but it involved degradation and unrealistic portrayals of sex.
I entered a long distance relationship in my second year, and while I was away from my girlfriend, porn was my lover. Towards the end of our two years together, porn was waiting for me in the bathroom after an unsatisfying session with my boring beau.
In 2016, I became single for almost four and a half years...
Last February, I met with my first girlfriend, and the nostalgia got to me. We began sleeping with each other, but it was aggressive and usually patched up negativity which always lingered in the room we shared. I had a two week fling with her, and in those two weeks I suffered more emotional abuse than before. By March 2019, I had no confidence in my relationships with women, so I stepped away and watched porn and masturbated away my troubles.
Before I continue, I want to share something I have never told anybody else. Rather than my porn choices becoming more extreme, my methods of masturbation did. I went from dry hands to lube. From Durex play to the silicone stuff I used to see in the gonzo movies I wanked to. From there, I went on to masturbate using condoms and lube. Then I began using baby oil as well, and the splitting of the condom as I rapidly rubbed became a turn on. Then I began using rubber gloves, lube, and condoms. Finally, my standard practise for the past few years has been a condom, a water based lube, coconut oil, spit, and when the condom breaks, I'll double up the elastic base around my shaft and finish like that. If this continues, I dread to think what's next.
What has made me consider embracing change now? Maria...
Maria and I have been friends for the past year. Around the time we met, I had a brief fling with someone else and panicked as soon as we were about to have sex. Bad memories, guilt and shame flooded my brain and hijacked my flight or fight response and ended the fling in an instant. After that, I avoided intimacy.
At first, Maria and I only talked about our academic interests. Over a few months, she entered a relationship with someone and we were all friends. I fell out with her boyfriend sometime ago, but Maria and I remained friends.
At the end of 2019, Maria was diagnosed with anxiety and left her job as a result. We spoke a lot during that period.
Two months later, I suffered anxiety and stress and began contemplating quitting my job. Maria was who I turned to.
We developed a close bond, but there was no attraction initially. However, over lockdown, we called each other a lot. We never spoke of her relationship. Instead, we spoke of dreams, desires, family issues, academic pursuits, career goals...
After lockdown, we began going on walks and she would call me when she was upset. I began to develop an attraction to her.
She broke up with her boyfriend, and I decided that I was going to stop running away from my issues and face them. I was able to admit that I was in need of therapy regarding my intimacy issues, and while on a recent trip, I was able to tell Maria the way I felt about her. She felt the same way about me.
Prior to confessing my feelings, I had told Maria all about my ex, and how even after I had blocked her from all of my accounts, she still somehow managed to contact at frequent intervals.
Maria and I agreed to go slow: I was working on my insecurities and she had only recently broken up with her ex.
We tried to have sex, but I would stop, feel unable to breathe, and cry. Maria understood and reassured me there was no pressure and certainly no rush. Her compassion made me relax, and the next time we attempted to have sex, we were able. I wasn't fully erect, but I had managed to keep my emotions from hijacking my system.
We have been open and honest about our worries and fears. We also confessed to wanting to be in a relationship with each other (living independent lives, but sharing moments together), and I am a boyfriend for the first time in over four years. This time, however, it feels different. The amount of honesty we are trying to maintain in the relationship makes me feel that this is the best foundation I have ever had with somebody. If we want something, we say. If we are unhappy with the way someone said or did something, we talk about it. For the first time in my life, I feel like I am part of a team. I feel truly lucky to be in a relationship like this, and even though it has been less than a week since it began, I have a positive feeling that this could be something incredibly special.
I don't want to give up pornography for Maria. Instead, I want to give it up for me, so I can put my energy and effort into my recovery from my ex as well as my relationship with Maria. I want to be a team player.
I want love, and compassion, and honesty, and support, and good sex, and to share my life with someone who I fully trust. I want to grow with her. I don't want to have this secret part of my life to be there in the background any longer.
I masturbated tonight as it was my first time alone in six days. We have been away on a trip together - it was the most special trip of my life - and I wondered what masturbation would feel like. From the very beginning, I felt a lot of shame. I persisted, managing to forget my shame for lust. But as soon as I climaxed, I knew it wasn't as good as being with Maria.
I don't want to forget that.
Inspired by Mark Manson (for those that couldn't tell, I have been incredibly inspired by his recommendation of becoming vulnerable to grow), I am going to try my first proper porn diet. I intend to journal my 60 days on here. Perhaps I won't update every day, but perhaps I will. I don't know. I do know that I want to be regular to maintain this accountability and to fully be able to discuss my emotions and thoughts as the days go by.
MY PORN DIET IS AS FOLLOWS: -
- Watch / Look at ZERO pornographic material
- Avoid multiple lubricants and wrapping the elastic from condoms around my penis
- Abstain from masturbating if I am able to have sex with my girlfriend
- Limit masturbation to twice a week from week three
I don't fully believe it is necessary to give up masturbation. But, I will write more on that in future posts.
This was long. I avoided sugar, I avoided cigarettes, and now, I really should get some sleep.
Speak Soon!
BGP xx
---------
Did I use porn today?
Yes. I spent about an hour going through videos, failing to find the 'perfect' one. I used coconut oil, rubber glove, condom.
What were my triggers?
Going to bed alone. Being tired. Being without my girlfriend for the first time in six days. Feeling overwhelmed throughout the day due to tiredness.
How did I soothe my anxiety or stress?
I hung out with friends. I messaged my girlfriend a nice message before bed. I cried and hugged my best friend.
What am I grateful for today?
Maria. The past week we spent together was compassionate, fun, and inspiring!
A job interview. I don't know if I will get it, but if I do, it will be a step towards a new career. If I don't, it will prepare me for the next opportunity.
My friends. I don't like my hometown much, but I love my closest friends. They make me laugh and make me feel valid.
Day Counter: 0
