A Short Guy's RN Journal

[a short guy]

I'm 55 and a P and M addict with a 40 year history, since I was 14 and discovered my brother's P-mags. I used M to fantasy and PMO to escape family and childhood issues like fear of abandonment and low self-esteem, no sexual abuse.. I'm divorced due a lot to PMO. I am remarried. No ED. I never cheated on my wives with a real human being, but PMO-ing and masturbating to fantasies of other women felt like cheating.

I've made many attempts to quit P use over the years with limited success but never in "recovery" it seems, just abstinence. I truly believed it was impossible to quit and that I was doomed to live till my dying day in my own personal hell. Over the years, I've struggled with low self-esteem and confidence, depression and anxiety as well, which was exacerbated by my P-use.

I felt utterly hopeless until I found YBOP website and YBR forum, and got the information and support I needed. I quit both P and M on February 27th, 2013. Today is day 399 of my reboot. You can find my YBR journal here: http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=7345.0

I still struggle with personal issues and life stresses like anyone, but am confronting them head-on now, without medicating with my addiction. I have no interest in and am no longer struggling with P or M. But don't misunderstand, I know I am an addict and am always one click away from compulsively using and being right back in the vicious cycle. I'm just choosing not to use, not to click, not to go there. My strategy continues to be, No peeking, No M, No P, No option. The real thing only.

 

[somethingelse]

Welcome to RN A Short Guy, good to see a new member from a forum I once used. I agree with the analogy of porn as infidelity, it's a real intimacy tranquilliser. I have to draw out that 399 days is a remarkable feat, truly magnificent, by no means have I found the road to recovery without bumps but you have laboriously worked to overcome a 40 year history of p.

At times when I read such experiences it does somewhat trivialise my situation, which I'm still trying to conquer. Nonetheless, you've been a rock in this fight and congratulations on approaching 400, it's uplifting to see fellow addicts gain freedom.

Thank you for joining the Nation, I do look forward to reading your journal.

S.E

 

[LTE]

It's great to see you here, ASG. Your wisdom and experience are invaluable.

 

[sonofJack]

You appear more colourful here ASG! Welcome.

 

[Viper]

Looks like you've come a long way. Congratulations!
Who needs to browse porn when you can point your browser to this portal instead.
That's awesome.

 

[a short guy]

Welcome to RN A Short Guy, good to see a new member from a forum I once used. I agree with the analogy of porn as infidelity, it's a real intimacy tranquilliser. I have to draw out that 399 days is a remarkable feat, truly magnificent, by no means have I found the road to recovery without bumps but you have laboriously worked to overcome a 40 year history of p.

At times when I read such experiences it does somewhat trivialise my situation, which I'm still trying to conquer. Nonetheless, you've been a rock in this fight and congratulations on approaching 400, it's uplifting to see fellow addicts gain freedom.

Thank you for joining the Nation, I do look forward to reading your journal.

S.E

No one's situation is trivial, it's all hell-like. But I do wish I had had the wherewithal and support I have now when I was younger.

Keep on moving towards a better life SE!

 

[a short guy]

Was just reading Something Else's journal regarding insomnia. So, some ideas on improving sleep.

I've needed to address the sleep issue because I have a home environment not conducive to sound and uninterrupted sleep. I'm awakened regularly (irregularly and unexpectedly) to perform needed family responsibilities and then must be able to get right back to sleep.

Developing a regular schedule for bedtime, getting up at the same time each morning has helped me. I got the "Way of Life" app for my iPhone, at the suggestion of Deadwood. Made a check off list of habits I want to instill, one being getting up at 6am no matter what time I go to bed. This encourages me to get to bed by 10pm.

For 2 months I've been getting up at 6am (most of the time), water, light yoga stretches, yoga breathing techniques and meditation. I feel so much better now, physically and emotionally because of doing this, that I look forward to going to bed much of the time because I'm looking forward to my morning routine.

Installed "f.lux" on my computer, a suggestion by Omega Man.

No internet between 9pm and 7am.

Dark room.

Here's some information I copied from another fellow rebooter, don't remember who, that may be of use.

Try what I'm about to write, for 2 weeks. These 2 weeks are tough, each day you will be tireder and some of the steps seem kind of pseudo, but it will work.

Pick a desired time you wish to wake up (e.g 6am)
Deduct how many hours you NEED to sleep to feel optimal (e.g 8 hours) from wake up time.. So that's 10pm

From here on there's only 2 simple steps to follow

Every morning wake up at your desired wake up time (6am) no matter what time you went to bed and get outside into the sun within 5 minutes, relax in the sun, on the grass for 10 minutes then go about your day.

Every night get to bed, pitch black room, no noise (static noise like a fan is fine) whenever you feel tired enough to sleep. Avoid all computer/TV/cell phone screens 45-60 minutes before bed. Do something relaxing while you're not on a computer/phone/tv i.e yoga, meditation, reading, writing, drawing. Aim to be in bed, lights out for the desired time (10pm) for the first week you may not fall asleep but that's fine don't stress out, if you're still awake after 15-20minutes get up and do some more activities which don't involve technology


Now there are tons of other very important smaller steps to take which will aid these two main steps: The last supplement I listed will make a dramatic difference

Supplementing with vitamin D3 3000-5000IU as soon as you wake up at 6am
Exercising in the morning
5 minute cold shower two hours before bed (seriously)
Getting the "f.lux" app for your phone, computer, tablet etc
Supplementing with this an hour or two before bed (discontinue use after 2 weeks)  http://www.iherb.com/ZOI-Research-NutraSleep-90-Enteric-Coated-Softgels/43317#p=1&oos=1&disc=0&lc=en-US&w=nutrasleep&rc=2&sr=null&ic=2   


His ideas make sense to me. Taking a cold shower (I don't think it would have to be shockingly cold?) helps to lower the body's temperature which naturally gets cooler toward bedtime, a trigger for the body to sleep. I've also read that a warm bath may also work if when you get out of the bath the contrasting cooler air cools the body quickly. So, it seems whatever lowers the body temperature some may help, like sleeping in cooler temperatures.

The f.lux software changes the light from daylight to evening light, mimicking the sun setting.

A dark room will increase production of melatonin which is sleep inducing. I've read somewhere that we produce melatonin between 10 and 11pm, pretty much the usual bedtime.

 

[a short guy]

It's great to see you here, ASG. Your wisdom and experience are invaluable.

Long term evolution one moment at a time is what it's all about LTE. Cheers.

 

[a short guy]

You appear more colourful here ASG! Welcome.

Yes, the world is no longer black and white (or sepia) Son of Jack. I'm only beginning to see that and I'm liking the change.

 

[a short guy]

Looks like you've come a long way. Congratulations!
Who needs to browse porn when you can point your browser to this portal instead.
That's awesome.

Yes Viper, choose this portal instead, every time. Do that and?. well, just do that.  Thanks for the congrats. I have come a long way, and still have a long way to go. I'll just keep on going because there is no other way.

 

[somethingelse]

Hey ASH, I think the link you dropped on my page is broken, oddly it sent me to an edited version to my last post on your journal. Coming on here I think you probably intended me to see your post on sleep perhaps. Either way, I read that post specifically. I'm taking account of having a set wake up time, no technology before bed and supplements. I'll add in perhaps what many people take for granted but I've been falling back on: exercise and meditation.

Wish me luck mate and do have a beautiful day

 

[a short guy]

Hey ASH, I think the link you dropped on my page is broken, oddly it sent me to an edited version to my last post on your journal. Coming on here I think you probably intended me to see your post on sleep perhaps. Either way, I read that post specifically. I'm taking account of having a set wake up time, no technology before bed and supplements. I'll add in perhaps what many people take for granted but I've been falling back on: exercise and meditation.

Wish me luck mate and do have a beautiful day

Good luck, and you're not a "scum bag".

 

[somethingelse]

Thank you ASH, do keep the journal alive and well when you get the chance. Good stories are always worth retelling, my friend.

Be Well

SE

 

[a short guy]

I rarely have sexual dreams, at least that I remember. Last night I dreamed I was masturbating, not to porn. When I woke up it took a bit to realize it had been a dream. Was glad it was. When I'm awake I don't think about masturbating, barely think of porn.

A few days ago I had a dream of cuddling with an unknown woman, clothes on. Rare dream but have had them before.

My wife and I have been smooching, making out more often and longer lately.

Got to go?.

 

[LTE]

I rarely have sexual dreams, at least that I remember. Last night I dreamed I was masturbating, not to porn. When I woke up it took a bit to realize it had been a dream. Was glad it was. When I'm awake I don't think about masturbating, barely think of porn.

A few days ago I had a dream of cuddling with an unknown woman, clothes on. Rare dream but have had them before.

My wife and I have been smooching, making out more often and longer lately.

Got to go?.

It's strange how all of this works itself out in dreams.

 

[fcjl8]

That is interesting ASG! It is really something that our sexual nature still sends signals to the various parts of our conscious being and that comes out in an odd random thought or a dream .. I don't think these have any true meaning and no power whatsoever. Especially what happens in dreams. They can be a bother when we come to and for a moment are confused!

As much as my mindset towards pornography and masturbation is changed forever, I do realize there is a big part of out being that has a sexual nature to it. Hence my self -debate last week about "healthy sexuality".

Dreams fall in the healthy category I believe.

 

[a short guy]

Agree dreams are normal, healthy and strange.

 

[a short guy]

Had another dream I was masturbating, only in the dream. No big deal. All is well in the waking world? on the PMO front.

Decided, again, to really cut back on being on the forum, being on the internet, being in virtual space. I've had a couple months of being in the groove of getting regular sleep, exercise/yoga, meditation, getting work done (I'm self-employed). But I'm struggling lately with self-discipline, sleep getting more and more irregular, and the less sleep the more I feel stuck in the past, feeling like the 14 year old still trying to figure out what this adult life is about. When tired and undisciplined, I just don't further develop my life.

I really am feeling an urgent need to evolve, focusing on establishing regular healthy patterns, sleep, exercise, meditation, diet, work. I'm using Way of Life App check-list on iPhone which is helping to establish new habits. I really want to be successful in my career, do something worthwhile and comfortably pay the bills, self-discipline is key and I'm working on that.

Right now I can't seem to be able to use the internet, even the forum to my advantage, instead I'm procrastinating much needed lifestyle changes and work responsibilities. So if I'm not here, this is why.

Stay with it everyone, know that there is no other viable option. PMO-ing is never the answer, it never makes anything easier. Without self-pleassuring life is still challenging, but with self-pleassuring it is hell.

 

[fcjl8]

You know what is best for yourself ASG! It has been an a real pleasure knowing you on these forums. i am very happy that you are able to move forward. i am grateful for all the positive support you have shown me! I will always be appreciative and admiring of you fine sir!

 

[LTE]

Had another dream I was masturbating, only in the dream. No big deal. All is well in the waking world? on the PMO front.

Decided, again, to really cut back on being on the forum, being on the internet, being in virtual space. I've had a couple months of being in the groove of getting regular sleep, exercise/yoga, meditation, getting work done (I'm self-employed). But I'm struggling lately with self-discipline, sleep getting more and more irregular, and the less sleep the more I feel stuck in the past, feeling like the 14 year old still trying to figure out what this adult life is about. When tired and undisciplined, I just don't further develop my life.

I really am feeling an urgent need to evolve, focusing on establishing regular healthy patterns, sleep, exercise, meditation, diet, work. I'm using Way of Life App check-list on iPhone which is helping to establish new habits. I really want to be successful in my career, do something worthwhile and comfortably pay the bills, self-discipline is key and I'm working on that.

Right now I can't seem to be able to use the internet, even the forum to my advantage, instead I'm procrastinating much needed lifestyle changes and work responsibilities. So if I'm not here, this is why.

Stay with it everyone, know that there is no other viable option. PMO-ing is never the answer, it never makes anything easier. Without self-pleassuring life is still challenging, but with self-pleassuring it is hell.

In case we don't get to hear from you again; sir, it has truly been a pleasure. You have helped and encouraged me along the way and that includes the wisdom in today's post.