Here I am again
- Thread starter eyecan
- Start date
Day 80. Today is a dark day. I feel nothing, no joy, no sadness. But the thoughts and mental images won't leave me alone. Honestly when they come, I want to dwell on them and get lost in fantasies, feel the high, but I know where that would lead. I tried to keep busy but boredom sets in quickly. I'll be glad if I can make it through the rest of the day.
workinprogressUK
Well-Known Member
Sounds like a difficult day for you. Hope you made it through. What's causing you to get bogged-down in dark thoughts and the desire to fantasise, do you think? For me, that happens most often when it feels like what I'm doing is pointless, or I feel isolated, bored or angry. Not saying it will work for you, but it helps me to get outside in the fresh air when I feel that way. I also write a little list of immediate "pick me ups", for when the black dog of depression hangs around me. Small, multi-sensory hits that lift my mood; the smell of an espresso or my favourite aftershave, a taste of dark chocolate, watching birds in the trees, clouds moving across the sky, a shower, listening to a favourite piece of music, a call / WhatsApp to a favourite person. Not saying any of those would lift your mood, but are there small, easily accessed, things in your life that give you a little lift? Get your head out of the dark clouds? As I say, most of all, I hope you made it through yesterday and you're feeling better today.
Hey workinprogressUK, thanks for your concern. It's day 81, I made it, but today started no different. I think my desire to feel something combined with boredom causes me to have my mind bombarded by images, sounds, etc. I'm going through withdrawl, no way around it. Because much to my shame, I miss it, I long for it, the getting lost in the lust and the high that makes the world disappear. I'm no better than a cokehead, reasoning counts for little when my brain screams DO IT . Yet I made it through yesterday and I will make it through today, because among other reasons, I fear the desolation of the soul that comes after the short lived thrill. Gotta fight boredom and keep my mind busy with other stuff. I sincerely thank you for your advice and your concern, you know how I feel, you've been there you know what is like, so thanks friend, I hope you are doing well, have a nice day.
LetItGoAlready
Active Member
Hi Eyecan - I struggle with this same desire to feel something that you speak of, but for me it can be a slippery slope. Many times while flatlining, I have allowed certain thoughts or impulses to slip through the protective filter in my brain because I convinced myself that I needed to "test" that lack of feeling. I would entertain fantasies in my head, maybe ogle a bit more when I was out in public, all under the guise of experimentation to see if I could actually feel those intoxicating feelings of lust again. Well, you can guess how that story often ended: with me getting triggered and then falling flat on my face.
I'm not saying this is exactly what your thought process is or where you'll end up, because we're all a bit different. Just saying it helps to have an awareness of what you're thinking when you're desperate to feel something during withdrawals. Some questions to consider: Could the desire to feel something really be the desire to feel something else? In other words, are you chasing the thoughts, sounds, images, etc., in your head to avoid emotional pain or some other unpleasant feeling brought on by withdrawals? Or is there genuinely no feeling at all, just an unsettling lack of feeling, a void that seems like it needs to be filled? Certainly boredom can be a culprit, too, but I'm focusing more on other emotional feelings because they're a bit harder to pin down.
How I decided to deal with this issue is to put a label on the compulsive thought pattern (e.g., "fantasizing") and rate the severity of it based on how far I allowed it to go. If it's just a passing thought that I can dispense of quickly, it gets a low rating and I move on. If it's a persistent thought that ends up triggering me, it gets a high rating and I know that I need to do something tangible to turn the situation around. For you, doing something could be as simple as going for a long walk or taking a cold shower, or any number of other things that get you out of your head.
Anyway, those are just some ideas, for what they're worth. I can truly understand the darkness you've described in your last few posts. And I do hope it starts to get better soon. Just stay with it and, to the extent that you need to, lean on that fear of P desolating your soul. Whatever it takes.
Your headed somewhere much better, friend. Give it time!
"I struggle with this same desire to feel something that you speak of, but for me it can be a slippery slope".
Hi LIGA, well it sure was a slippery slope for me. Today is day 1. I relapsed, I got lost in the fantasies and then watched one video. Fuck. 81 days down the toilet. Strangely enough I don't feel terrible; no depression, no beating myself up (well, a little, not too much), no bingeing and edging for hours. I feel like I want to make the best out of my failure, obvserve it, learn from it and keep going. I'm aware this sounds like cliche positive thinking bullshit, but it's true. In the past when I had long streaks and I failed I would fall apart, in 2015 I run away from this forum after I relapsed: I realise now that I did that in great part out of a false sense of pride, I had planned to make it to 6 months because I am me and then everything would be rosy. Turns out I'm weak, so I must acknowledge my weakness, learn from it and grow stronger. All my life I have been afraid of failure and used that fear to keep myself from trying, I can't afford to do that anymore.
People here have been great since I came back, I do feel like I have let them down. But I'm not running away now, I may be down but I'm not out. Thank you for your support and understanding.
Hi LIGA, well it sure was a slippery slope for me. Today is day 1. I relapsed, I got lost in the fantasies and then watched one video. Fuck. 81 days down the toilet. Strangely enough I don't feel terrible; no depression, no beating myself up (well, a little, not too much), no bingeing and edging for hours. I feel like I want to make the best out of my failure, obvserve it, learn from it and keep going. I'm aware this sounds like cliche positive thinking bullshit, but it's true. In the past when I had long streaks and I failed I would fall apart, in 2015 I run away from this forum after I relapsed: I realise now that I did that in great part out of a false sense of pride, I had planned to make it to 6 months because I am me and then everything would be rosy. Turns out I'm weak, so I must acknowledge my weakness, learn from it and grow stronger. All my life I have been afraid of failure and used that fear to keep myself from trying, I can't afford to do that anymore.
People here have been great since I came back, I do feel like I have let them down. But I'm not running away now, I may be down but I'm not out. Thank you for your support and understanding.
LetItGoAlready
Active Member
That's the spirit, my friend. Don't beat yourself up over it. Learn from it and move on.
I don't think it does any good to attach a negative label to yourself. This may be clich?-sounding positive bullshit, too, but beating ourselves up is something we addicts do far too much of. We are all vulnerable to relapses to some extent. Are we weak, though? In my opinion, no one here is weak. Living in willful ignorance and not doing anything about the problem - now, that's weak!
Just keep trying. If you keep plugging away at this thing, you are bound to succeed eventually. I honestly believe that.
Hi LIGA, thanks for your post, so helpful as usual. Ok, so let me re-phrase and say I'm not weak: I need to improve my will power and develope strategies to cope with my urges. I have noticed that as I get close to the 3 months mark, my mind goes into overdrive and begins to generate all kinds of sexual thoughts, images, memories, etc. I think is safe to assume that my brain is trying to trick me into fantasizing or watching a video or both, then getting horney and then delivering its dopamine fix, ruining my shit in the process. Please correct me if I'm wrong in this. So, to avoid failing I must avoid focusing on the stream of would-be-triggers flowing out of my brain, I see two options on how to proceed to achieve that: one is to ignore it and focus on something else, a.k.a keeping busy, fairly doable. The other option is to stop the stream, is this even possible? and if so how could one achieve that?
All suggestions are welcome. Thanks very much.
All suggestions are welcome. Thanks very much.
ToomuchisToomuch
Member
Hi Eyecan,
It is truly remarkable what you have been able to do to this point. You are remarkable for putting this streak together and to it is really amazing to read your journey along the way. it is overwhelming at times. I know your pain and your struggle and I know the inner turmoil. I have tried many a thing myself to refocus my attention, and some has worked. right now, I have been meditating through guided sessions using the headspace app. My attention is on overcoming cravings. it focuses on visualizing your brain as a blue sky, and thoughts as white clouds that pass by. Deeper darker thoughts can more resemble storm clouds and turn that blue sky to a dark and stormy night pretty quickly. But like all storms, they will pass. the app really emphasizes that you need to simply identify it when your brain has become a dark and stormy place, acknowledge that your brain is just thinking, and to then refocus on your breathing again, which causes those storm clouds to pass on a bit easier.
Using this forum is another good way to push those thoughts along. You are not alone in your struggle, and we are all here to support you through this. So never believe that you are alone. If you have any SAA meetings in your area, this might be an option as well. I have attended a few and even done some through Zoom meetings. Again, having a support network around you re-emphasizes that you have others that are going through this too, and feel your pain.
Stay strong my friend, blue skies are ahead.
It is truly remarkable what you have been able to do to this point. You are remarkable for putting this streak together and to it is really amazing to read your journey along the way. it is overwhelming at times. I know your pain and your struggle and I know the inner turmoil. I have tried many a thing myself to refocus my attention, and some has worked. right now, I have been meditating through guided sessions using the headspace app. My attention is on overcoming cravings. it focuses on visualizing your brain as a blue sky, and thoughts as white clouds that pass by. Deeper darker thoughts can more resemble storm clouds and turn that blue sky to a dark and stormy night pretty quickly. But like all storms, they will pass. the app really emphasizes that you need to simply identify it when your brain has become a dark and stormy place, acknowledge that your brain is just thinking, and to then refocus on your breathing again, which causes those storm clouds to pass on a bit easier.
Using this forum is another good way to push those thoughts along. You are not alone in your struggle, and we are all here to support you through this. So never believe that you are alone. If you have any SAA meetings in your area, this might be an option as well. I have attended a few and even done some through Zoom meetings. Again, having a support network around you re-emphasizes that you have others that are going through this too, and feel your pain.
Stay strong my friend, blue skies are ahead.
LetItGoAlready
Active Member
Eyecan - I think you're probably going to get a wide range of suggestions on how to deal with triggers once they're happening, but personally, I would suggest focusing on what's happening further upstream of those triggers. There is a pattern there, I can assure you. A series of thoughts and/or actions (let's call them "rituals") that set the slide towards relapse into motion.
You already know fantasies played a factor. But what happened before those fantasies took hold in your brain? Were you in a certain frame of mind when you started down that path (lonely, sad, bored)? Did you see (or hear) something the day or the week before that triggered you? Was there more than one type of triggering behavior in the mix (e.g., getting lost in fantasies plus watching twerking videos on YouTube)?
There's always more to the story than meets the eye. And as Socrates is widely credited with saying "The unexamined reboot is not worth doing." So, look beyond the question of what to do when the shit hits the fan, your mind is racing a million miles an hour, and you've already reached the point of no return. Look at the factors that led to you being triggered in the first place, and come up with a plan for staying on top of those things so they don't spin out of control next time.
That's just a friendly suggestion. I'm certainly not an expert on this. Just a broken soul who's trying to solve this puzzle like you are. Take care.
LetItGoAlready
Active Member
Eyecan- How's it going? Looking forward to your next update.