Leaving it all behind.........

[Mikel]

Good Morning everyone.

I've just got to work so still feeling a little hazy and wanted to put this off until a bit later. However, being a serial procrastinator (which I am trying to change) I thought, just start it now!

Day 1 to 10

Feel a bit up and down with my emotions, especially this week. I remember from my last (and longest) streak of 26 days that this is how I felt last time. Guessing it's down to the withdrawals from porn use. Although my motivation is low, I'm still forcing myself to do positive things throughout the day. These include: Going for a run around lunchtime, gym in the evening and attending my martial arts class on the nights it's on. Also, little bits of practice and training throughout the day. I really felt odd at my class last night, being around people helped but truthfully, I didn't feel that sociable. Just forced myself to be.

I'm actually fearful of relapsing again. Or, as I say it now, starting over again. I say this as I'm thinking beyond the relapse. I don't want to have to go through the withdrawals again and if I do look at porn and masturbate, I know it will take me a while to get back on the road to recovery again. My last streak of 26 days ended the first week of July and it's only now I've been able to get back on it properly again.

I've had enough of porn yet I still love it. To have that feeling where I want to stop, can't stop and don't want to stop all going on simultaneously really messes up my mind. When I was doing some furious edging a few weeks back, I realised how I was still immensly turned on whilst watching a particular video. That addictive beast inside of me telling me that I still want and love this, yet the humane, positive side of me, (which is me as a whole person) doesn't want this. I know porn has warped my mind with regards to sex and the opposite sex but I didn't know how much until fairly recently. I know the next few weeks are going to be difficult but I need to do this like my life depends on it. Because it does.

I've learned a lot about myself in my recovery from alcohol addiction and I honestly believe this is the last thing for me to conquer and get over in order for me to be totally free.

 

[Mikel]

Been for my pre lunch sprint followed by lunch and feel better for it. Still not up for doing any work though.

I've been reading a few journals with one in particular reminding me of my last sexual encounter which was last year, with the previous encounter being many many years prior.

Met a Lady a few years older than me at a convention, talking flirtatiously and pretty dirty. Exchange numbers, text for a bit then decide to hook up in her hotel room. I wouldn't say she's my type, but being a sex starved male who only watches porn I wasn't going to turn her down. What follows is probably a classic example of PIED. We're kissing and I get an erection, start to have sex and it gradually dissapates until I can't get it up any longer. A few attempts to get the old fella working again yet to no avail. Of course. I put it down to nerves at the time, but now I know what the real cause is.

What's also worth noting is that I wasn't turned on by her, even though she wanted me. Not even kissing. Like any straight male, I loved kissing Girls. I always enjoyed it although my encounters with the opposite sex have been very few and far between. Certain parts of her anatomy we're exactly what I would've searched for when surfing for porn. Yet, here I am with a golden opportunity and I'm not interested?? What's the deal there! What's also cringeworthy, is the 'way' I attempted to have sex with her. Totally porn inspired. I actually have NO idea on how to pleasure a Lady sexually other than what I've seen in pornography videos. I'm 34 for fucks sake! Excuse my language, I needed to vent.

So, pornography has affected me in more ways than I could possibly imagine.  However, I'm glad I know as I can do something about it now. Yes, a Girlfriend would be nice, but not right now. I need to focus 100% on my recovery before I can even begin to think about going down the relationship route. Why? I'm just not ready yet.

 

[johngalt75321]

Hey Mikel,

It sounds like you are really making progress-all of that exercising is awesome (I don't think I could reboot without it-it's like they go hand and hand)!

I know exactly what you mean about finding partners that "exactly what I've would've seaarched for when surfing for porn". For me, hookup apps are my main trigger (so easy!); but what always amazes me is how turned on I can be when I see the images of potential partners, but when I meet up with them in person, they aren't half as hot to me as in the image (and this isn't because the image is misleading-it's just that I'm conditioned to respond to images and not real life people. How fucked up is that?!?).

Anyway, I think you're smart to put off a relationship in the short term-no need to add that additional complication to your reboot.

Rock on bro!

 

[Mikel]

Hello John,

Thanks for your reply. I totally agree, that is beyond fucked up that our brains have been conditioned to get turned onto images and not the 'real deal' as it were. It's pretty frightening that porn has warped our brains to that extent. Just glad our brainwaves and way of thinking can change over a prolonged time of abstinence. Just hard work right now!

Keep going man

 

[vispren]

. I actually have NO idea on how to pleasure a Lady sexually other than what I've seen in pornography videos

Reminded me of this

Seriously, I hear you, man. I have no idea what I'm doing either. My wife did give me a few pointers, so that was helpful, but still porn has distorted my view on sex. My view on life also, but that's a different story.

I think, after reboot, I'll have to relearn everything and I'm not even kidding. I also think that will be harder than this. The rewiring.

You're doing great, keep it up, stay positive and stay strong

 

[Mikel]

Ha ha haa! That did make me laugh and thank you for the encouragement. It's very much appreciated.

I'm not too bothered about re-learning anything, I just want to get well. Still amazes me how much porn use has affected me and how I MUST change. Just bloody hard sometimes!

 

[Mikel]

Thought I'd write in my journal as I had a brief urge to watch some of the evil stuff. House sitting at my Parents as they're away for the weekend. No blockers on either computers, Ipad also available. The addictive beast in my brain hinted that 'it would be ok'. 'I could get away with it'. Which got me thinking how sneaky the addictive voice is and how us porn addicts lead secret lives as it is such a behind closed doors addiction.

I remember not that long ago, after a positive and enjoyable martial arts class, when I got home I started watching porn videos on my phone whilst masturbating, the stuff we're all used to doing. I started thinking: 'If people at my class could see me now'. Which is odd as for obvious reasons as it's not something I would do in front of people! Let alone tell people that I watch porn. It just made me feel ashamed, this double life I lead which (at the time) I couldn't stop for any substantial period of time. It just seemed pathetic, to finish a day's work followed by learning an art and exercising to only waste all that by going home and watching something which does not benefit me in any way shape or form.

I've been trying to stop for probably five years now. I've had the classic thinking of 'one last time' or 'I'll try and use for once a week'.  Which of course never happened. I'd use once, think we'll I've already watched some today, one more won't hurt then so on and so forth.

Part of me wants to type more but a larger part of me wants to get away from the computer.

Peace forever  8)

 

[johngalt75321]

Hey Mikel,

Glad to hear you are still crushing it!

However, something you said in your post concerned me a little. You talked about porn being "evil" and being ashamed of your "double life".

(Disclaimer: I am not trying to sabbotage, rationalize PMO, or attack your beliefs. If you disagree, no problem!)

In my opinion, shame is not a useful emotion (at least, not in the context of a reboot). Nor is considering porn "evil". The reason is because I believe it can lead to this vicious cycle:

1) Porn is evil.
2) Shit I just relapsed!
3) I did something evil, and now I'm ashamed.
4) Shame makes me feel like shit-need to do something to feel better.
5) PMO!
6) Go back to step 2, repeat ad naseum.

The problem is that feeling ashamed makes you feel even worse for relapsing, making it harder to get back on track. I'm not saying porn is not really, really unhealthful, but that doesn't make it evil. A greasy doughnut is not healthful, but I wouldn't call it evil.

However, if your beliefs compel you to think of porn is evil, then I won't argue with that. but even still, I think it might be more helpful to have a mindset that thinks "I want to be as healthy and awesome as possible, and porn doesn't contribute to that goal"' then having a mindset that thinks "porn is evil, and if I PMO I should be ashamed".

Regardless, you gotta do what works for you. Rock on bro!

 

[Mikel]

Hey there,

Just read what you had to say and have completely taken your comments on board. 

I think it's because I get annoyed at how much pornography has got a hold of my brain. For example, a couple minutes before posting, I got a trigger completely out of nowhere not looking at anything at all arousing. Which, freakes me out a bit as it seems to be buried deep in my subconscious.

However, you've reminded me to give myself, a more positive approach to my recovery. Also, to not give myself a hard time over stupid things or circumstances I can't control. For that I thank you. 

 

[johngalt75321]

Glad it helped! Rebooting is hard enough without attacking yourself.

But, of course, it's easier said than done. Otherwise, we'd all be done, and the fourm would be empty, lol.

Regarding mental triggers/porn flashbacks, I find (when possible) that reading helps-something that takes my total attention. It's hard to try and justify PMO when you force your brain to do something else (for me, ipreading/writing is better than movies/video games because I can still live inside my own head during those activities).

Sorry for all the unsolicited advice! Somehow, I can follow my own advice easier when I'm running my mouth to someone else!!!  ;D

Rock on! 

 

[vispren]

Somehow, I can follow my own advice easier when I'm running my mouth to someone else!!!

That's another reason why the forum ain't empty

 

[Mikel]

Two weeks in. Nice to have that behind me and long may it continue. If that's the only positive thing to come out of today, then I'm glad it's that.

Although I did not use porn or masturbate over the weekend, it wasn't a great one. Decided to get through it by smoking weed and popping some prescription pills which isn't good for me at all. Granted, it zonked me out where I didn't feel like doing much but it's not a positive approach to recovery. Just made me very lazy and stopped me doing anything remotely positive hence why I feel a bit weird today. To put it simply, I need to live this recovery through the good and bad. I shouldn't zonk myself out just because I feel a slight bit of pain and loneliness. When I feel and work through pain, I gain experience from that.

So, back on the right path today and I'm not going to hammer myself into the ground for what I've done. Instead, I've already written in my hardcopy journal and I've mentioned it on here. Started a list of my positive actions for this week and will continue from there.

Two weeks in, just about made it.

 

[johngalt75321]

Hey Mickel,

Sorry you had a rough weekend. I find weekends are always the hardest. I agree that weed is not the best replacement habit, but at least you didn't relapse. That's awesome, and even more awesome to have almost have made it to 2 weeks (you  should get a counter so everyone can see your progress). 

And great attitude about not beating yourself up. I'd just consider it a starting point: "Okay, I used weed to get through this weekend. Let's see if I can get through the next even better."

Rock on!

 

[Mikel]

Than you John for your positive words. Very much appreciated.

Day's got better as it's gone on, slowly getting back to reality. My life's better with structure and routine these days. I would've laughed at that a few years ago as I thought structure and routine were for boring people. 

Not sure about my counter though as it should be showing? It's coming up on my posts?

 

[vispren]

Mikel, your counter is fine. John can't brain properly today

That's right buddy, weed is bad because it numbs the brain. I Don't get me wrong, I smoked a meadow in my smoking days   That's not what your brain needs. At least not now.

Congrats on reaching two weeks, btw. Keep it up, man.

 

[johngalt75321]

Hahahaha, vispren is right. I must be losing my mind-your counter is showing no problem. Sorry about that!  ;D

Yeah, structure and routine are super important-it removes they need for constant willpower. And who cares if it makes you boring-everyone else can kiss your ass!

Rock on!

 

[Mikel]

Thanks guys. Good to know you're here! 

Day 15

Felt much today, firmly back to reality now. Been for a sprint at lunch and I'm going down the gym after work.

Recovery wise, I swear I'm at the exact same stage as my last decent streak. First two weeks - up and down emotionally, third week - indifference and into the fourth week - urges galore. Obviously I cannot say for sure until when I get there but the first two weeks are almost identical. Anyhow, I do not want to think too far ahead. Just keep it in the day. I do wonder where I will be if I keep at this, how I will feel, what differences will I notice etc. Yet I still need to be grounded in my recovery. To put it simply, if I keep at it, I will find out!

At this moment in time, I do not wish to watch porn or masturbate and I certainly don't plan to this evening.

 

[johngalt75321]

Hey Mikel,

Glad to hear things are improving. I can relate to the predictability of different timepoints in the reboot (at least to as far as I have got). But as anmoying as the predictability is, you can use it to your advantage. If you know week 3 easy, enjoy the break and get even more momentum. If week 4 is a mofo, be ready for hell, and don't be surprised. Just remember to stay focused, and also keep it in perspective. After all, at the end of the day, all we have to do is not look at computer screens and leave our dicks alone. And keep our heads clean. Hard, but simple.  8)

Regardless, 15 days (or is it 16?) is awesome!

Rock on!

 

[vispren]

Keep it up, Mikel you're doing great, man!

This my first reboot attempt, so I have nothing to compare it to. As far I'm concerned every day is a different fight. Today, I feel as strong as Konan the barbarian, tomorrow I might be feeling like I'm quitting black tar heroin, not porn.

IMO, it doesn't really matter if I have a good or a bad day. I just try to prevail. I don' t think. I go do shit. Last week I was painting a fence that didn't really need a fresh coat of paint, if you catch my drift Even if I have a horrible day, I feel like a million dollars, once it passes. And I'll take that over relapse all day long

Keep it up, buddy!

 

[Mikel]

Thank guys. What you've both said resonates with me a lot.

John, you are so right, all we need to do is not look at a computer screen nor touch our dicks and we'll be fine! Vispren, so so true. No matter how the day goes, if we haven't watched porn or masturbated, it's been a great day.

Day 18

Getting faster at my mile sprint. Thinking about what my Instructor said to us the other day. 'Always push yourself, the only person you've got to beat is yourself'. He said a lot more but that was the main point of it. Really stuck in my brain which is great.

Feel a lot better than yesterday which is good. No urges to watch pornography or masturbate which is obviously excellent. Although I am laughing at the state of my penis at the moment. It seems so small and shrivelled at present. Mind you, it's taken a bit of a hammering over the past twenty years so I'm glad I'm giving it a break. I'm sure my penis thinks so too. I've heard that once you're in the middle of rebooting (or towards the end) that it starts getting back to it's normal state. We'll have to see.

Read an interesting article from another addict who had posted a list of things which helped him so far. With one being to embrace the urges rather than fight them. Doesn't mean to give in and watch porn, but to embrace the horniness as it were. This got me thinking about how true that is, just because I feel slightly aroused for some reason or another, doesn't mean I have to immediately reach for my phone or turn the computer on and start jacking away. It's a natural feeling to be aroused. I've got to be grateful I can feel this way without the need for porn or other 2d images. For me it shows a lot more control that I can choose what to do with them. However, at this moment I choose to do nothing! As I've mentioned in a previous part of my journal, I do not wish for any female companionship at the moment. I just want to recover. Just not ready for that yet.

So, feel ok today, got an AA meeting tonight with a brief visit to the gym before. I don't want to watch porn, I don't feel the need to watch porn and I certainly do not want to watch any tonight. Over and out!