End the guilt + be clean

[Happyhippo]

Hi everyone,

I'm not sure how to tell you about my story and it might be a bit all over the place. My name is Luke, I'm 30 years old and father of a newborn. I've been married for three years now.

I first watched P when I was about 13 or 14 years old, although my memory is blurry on this. At first it was images people would show each other at school, sometimes pretty violent stuff, more like a proof of courage rather than to get sexual arousal. However I quickly started looking at pictures and watching soft P on my computer in my room as a teenager and it became an integral part of my sexuality. By 16/17 I would PMO on a daily basis although I also had some long lasting relationships at the same time.

A few years later I left my country to study abroad. I was pretty isolated in a big city and I would PMO several times a day. I started to realise that this was really problematic when I started to cut down on social contacts, spent days and sometimes weeks at home, and always seemed to require more intense/fetish stuff. With girls I would start seeing first signs of PIED and delayed orgasms. Sometimes I wouldn't come at all.

I have been together with my wife for more than 5 years now and I told her about my addiction in the first year of our relationship. This has been a massive shock for her and we almost broke up at the time which would have broken my heart. I promised her that I would give everything to stop and went to see a psychologist with whom I worked the problem. After about 1 year I managed to stop for a while. I told my wife that I had stopped but about two months later I started again and have kept it a secret since then.

In observing myself, I realise that I severely compartmentalise my addiction (to the point that I sometimes think that I have two separate personalities...). I frequently lie to myself and downplay the importance of the addiction. It definitely is a way of fleeing from my childhood problems/relationship with my parents. I have a severely narcissistic mother and grew up as part of a sect where I experienced emotional trauma. The addiction is definitely combined with other things such as the compulsive use of social media, binge watching series, and eating loads of junk food.

I tried to stop several times since, but never make it beyond the 2 weeks without PMO. I feel guilty towards my daughter and my wife. I want to stop lying to myself and them. I want to stop being disgusted by myself and build up real confidence. I want to be able to love myself, to look myself in the eye again. The addiction has made a shy and introvert person out of me. It has prevented me from really growing professionally and being proud of my achievements. I don't want to waste my life away like this anymore.

In the last two weeks I "only" did PMO twice but MO a lot. I thought I could just cut down on PMO but my brain needs a real reboot. So here it is: my goal is to do 90 days without PMO + MO.

My triggers: Being home alone, after calling my parents, after a disappointment, ads, youtube, series...

How do I usually soothe my anxiety or stress? With P, with food, with twitter, with youtube.

What am I grateful for today? You here! My daughter, my wife.

This is day 3.

Thank you for reading my story.

 

[Chris1986]

Hi man and welcome to our community and congratulations on taking a step towards a better, healthier and happier you!

There has been some difference in opinions on how honest one should be with their partners about the P stuff. I am working on the full honesty approach while others work on the outline approach. The choice is yours but I really think you should tell your wife that you are struggling and you are seeking help with the issue. She may get upset and angry but she loves you and will want what is best for you. She can be your rock and a major part of your recovery capital.
I too have compartmentalised my life and is something that I am working on. I do feel though that my addiction IS it's separate mind trying to take me down. I think it's good to recognise it's separate "voice" and learn to tell it to "fuck off" or something along those lines.

Have you looked at other things you can do to soothe stress? Any hobbies you ever interested in started?
I started using https://www.joinfortify.com/(which has some free stuff but to access it all is paid which I am sure I will be doing)  and https://pathformen.com/ which has free course on it.
Another reason to be honest with your wife about your battle is so you don't have to try and do these in secrets.

Anyways remember you are not on your own. We are all in this together.

peace.

 

[Happyhippo]

Hi Chris,

Thanks very much for your reply. It could help telling my wife, you?re right. I want to try on my own for a while now because I just think she won?t be able to accept it a second time. Might change in the future though.

You?re right about hobbies that?s super important. I go climbing in my free time, I like to go for a run with a group of friends from my neighbourhood. I enjoy doing things offline outside of my flat. I would definitely love to be part of some social work but haven?t had the motivation and courage to really do it. Could be a food pantry or some pro bono work (as I?m a lawyer). I?m currently without a job and struggling to get one but it?s not that easy with corona etc... so spending a lot of time at home at the moment. But I started working in a cafe these last days and it?s been quite cool.

Thanks for your support. Feels good to have a community to back me up!

 

[EarthWalker]

Hi Happyhippo.

Welcome. Heavy stuff. I can relate to the mother stuff.

Take it a day at a time, hour at a time, minute at a time, other-wize things might get overwhelming at times.

Trauma creates subpersonalities. In my view this is a fact and not an opinion.

my suggestion for you is to become your own psychologist. You might find this guys work helpful

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bessel_van_der_Kolk

oh and almost forgot my favorite book is Viktor Frank's Man Search for Meaning. I find great solice in that book. For such a bleak world it has a happy ending and message.

Wish you all the best on your journey
EW

 

[Happyhippo]

Hey Earthwalker,

Thanks for your comforting words. Really great to know that there is a supporting community here.

I really wish and hope I can accept my feelings about the past and heal. I will definitely have a look at the references you gave me.

This is day 4 BTW. So far no urges but week-ends almost never were a problem as I?m rarely alone.

I?ll keep you posted.

 

[Happyhippo]

This is day 5.

Had a mild urge this morning when my wife left the apartment but managed to weather the storm by doing some household work. I probably shouldn't hang out at home and will leave soon to work in a cafe...

Let's see.

 

[Chris1986]

Being home alone has been triggering for me but like say learning to manage your alone time in a more constructive and healthier way is better. Housework has become a pretty big one for me as well!
Is there any hobbies that you could do from home that would be distracting enough?

 

[Happyhippo]

Thanks for your message Chris! It?s crazy how many things you realise when you?re on a reboot. The addiction has put constant stress on my personality in the last years. It has made me give up many hobbies, like playing the guitar, composing music, listening to music, reading etc. So those are definitely options. Trying to stay at home today but main goal is to get my brain off P (like chemically speaking...)

Today is day 7. I?m trying to clear up some of my difficult past with my parents by writing a letter to them. It?s not an easy task but it?s necessary. Not being on porn lets a lot of feelings and bad memories rise to the surface. I?m trying not to flee it but to let it flow. Also not having a job starts to stress me out which in turn impacts my job applications. Trying to keep a cool head. So far no major urges but feeling the beginning of a flatline. Isn?t that a bit early ?

 

[Happyhippo]

Day 8.

Had some mild urges and realise how difficult working online is with triggering content all over the place. Try to stay focussed.

On the positive side: I spent some quality time with my wife last evening and had a good conversation with an old friend. Being on a reboot and reducing social media use has already freed up some time!

I'll keep you posted...

 

[Chris1986]

The urges will be strong but it's good to be prepared. I practiced mindfulness even if it was a few minutes here and there so when I needed it I had it as a tool to calm my mind.

Get back on the music man. Maybe we could make an rebootnation band Haha.
Hooe today is treating you well.

 

[Happyhippo]

Day 9.

Managed to make it through yesterday, but also because we had a friend working at our flat yesterday and I didn't spend any time alone. Searching for a job really starts freaking me out. I flee a lot into social media over low self esteem and the fear not to be able to pay the bills soon, while I should rather focus on applying. I realise that I want to take up responsibility for my life and really be there for my wife and daughter but it also puts pressure on me which makes me flee again. Kind of like a vicious circle...

 

[EarthWalker]

This sucks. But on your birth certificate it doesn't say life will be easy.

Don't overload yourself. Focus on finding a job first. One major thing at a time. What are you good at? Where would you like to work? Where do your friends work? Maybe ask them for some job recommendations? Call up / send CV, letter to a company even if they are not hiring. Which businesses are doing well in your area? Maybe some are even overloaded. Apply there.

Does your wife work? Does she pay the bills? If you are stresses about the bills. Ask a friend or parents if they can lend you some money if the need comes. So you know you have a backup available if needed. It sucks but it can take the edge off. How about unemployment services (government help)?

I was unemployed for 6 months. Not a pleasant time for sure. I could have got a job sooner but didn't want to compromise on my core requirements. One was that I wanted to work 6 hours instead of 8. I remember one HR manager almost falling out of his chair when I said that.

Make a list of what you want from the job. If you get a crappy job that will make you miserable. You can always get a different job later. But maybe try to get a job that will not make you miserable. Maybe there is an intersection between the businesses that are doing well and what would make a decent job?

Do a good job with the CV/Letter.

Wish you all the best.
EW

 

[Happyhippo]

Day 10.

First of all it really feels good to get all the support here! So a big thanks to everyone!

Thanks also EW for your advice! Yes I?ll definitely try to strike a balance between a job that supports me financially and at doesn?t destroy me at the same time. I work in law and I quit my last job because I wasn?t ok with the crazy working hours (would not have had time for family) and the work ethics at the place. My wife is working and we have some savings but it just sucks to see her working her a off while I don?t contribute financially. But I?ll definitely keep applying.

What?s pretty hard at the moment is that my parents don?t talk to me since several months. They are members of a religious sect (which I also grew up with) and since I left the group they consider me to be an outcast. What hurts is the good childhood memories that I have with my parents and at the same time the fact that they are no longer the persons they used to be (due to brainwashing, esoterisch etc). Not a day goes by where I don?t miss them and this sadness has also pushed me towards the addiction.

Today it?s been ok so far but I?m spending a weekend with my in laws so there?s not much risk...

 

[beautywaytraveler]

Hello happyhippo,

Welcome to the forum. I wish you strength and courage to fight all the troubles in life. I am very certain that it is the case that P addiction is not a problem exclusive to itself, and that is why it is very difficult for everyone to quit.

What?s pretty hard at the moment is that my parents don?t talk to me since several months. They are members of a religious sect (which I also grew up with) and since I left the group they consider me to be an outcast. What hurts is the good childhood memories that I have with my parents and at the same time the fact that they are no longer the persons they used to be (due to brainwashing, esoterisch etc). Not a day goes by where I don?t miss them and this sadness has also pushed me towards the addiction.

With regards to what you said here, I think it would be very important to find an understanding about the nature of religious sects by reading about it. Why people are subject to the brainwashing?
Why it is easy for people of those sects to essentially detach themselves from people that walked away, even their own family members? Finally, what you can do to help your family or to help yourself remain positive etc? I think once you gain an deeper understanding of all of that you can start to relieve yourself of that stress.

Unfortunately, through the time that your family started to fall victim to the brainwashing you had one thing that remained constant, and that was P. It may be that in your mind P has become your new parents, comforting in your down time, giving you that dopamine release, and also increasing your DeltaPhosB. Overall, understanding will help, but that understanding has to reach down into your soul, straight to the center of your being. It has to be a moving energy for you, like you can feel it flowing through your veins.

Keep growing, keep pushing, and remember to live!

 

[EarthWalker]

Hi, Happyhippo.

I hope you weekend went well. Great to hear that your finances are holding. You are a smart man you will figure something out soon.

About the parents. Sorry to hear that. I can relate. In time you will heal.

In my view the evolution is, we are a child (we need parents to take care of us), then part of a group (classmates, workmates, etc) then the last stage is we need to become an individual (sovereign and free). Now that doesn't mean we live alone in the forest, just that we don't need anyones approval or love or something. We can stand on our own as it is meant to be in my view. We are our own parents now - we are adults.

Since you mention esoteric. In my view God is our true parent. Our bio parents are an entry point of our consciousness to be able to come into physical form. We forget about our true star origins on birth with the memory wipe. Animals don't get the memory wipe on birth that is why they don't have to spend years to learn how to walk and communicate, etc.

What I meant to say is that you are much more than a son of your bio parents. Don't get caught up in being a son to your parents. It is fine and at times needed for growth but just don't set up an apartment in this fact.

EW

 

[Happyhippo]

This is day 12.

Survived the weekend with some mild urges that I didn't follow through with. But I can still feel the relentless grip that the addiction has on me. I experience mood swings, anger, lethargic moments, and even moments of self-hatred and disgust. Trying to practice mindfulness and meditation helps. I also decided to stop using Twitter until next sunday. All this stuff is just covering up things that need to come out...

Thanks for your replies EW and BWT.

@BWT I started reading about sects and it has helped a great deal. Remembering the positive aspects of my childhood and who my parents used to be for me has also been very helpful. I want to connect to the positive values in my memory and carry them further in my (professional, personal) future. I think it might help me move on from this state of mourning that I am currently in. Without me realising, P has definitely become a coping mechanism and even a replacement for the family I used to have. It is high time that I think who I want to be in this life, independent from my parents.

@EW Although after my experience with a religious sect I'm having some trouble with religion I can definitely relate to what you said about being more than a son of my bio parents. That's a major topic in my life right now. Especially trying to find a job that I can really relate to is part of a solution.

Thanks for your feedback + I'll keep you posted,

Hhippo

 

[SebUK]

Hi! Thanks for commenting on my post so I'm returning the favour

Your story is a difficult one. I hope you get to a point where you are able to tell your wife the truth. That is a really difficult situation to be in! I was in a similar situation when I was married where I told her, went to get professional help, it kind of worked/didn't work and I kept relapsing behind her back and sometimes telling her and sometimes not. Since our relationship was already going downhill, the porn didn't help, but it wasn't the main reason we ended up divorcing. In any case, I understand it is difficult to put your relationship at risk over this.

I heartily endorse your quitting of Twitter. I think social media is cancer to be honest, especially Twitter. There is a guy called Tristan Harris (who appears in that film on Netflix at the moment, the one on social media) who gave a long interview with Sam Harris (a neuropsychologist) explaining how Twitter is basically designed to jack up your dopamine levels and hook you in. Apparently they even program in a small delay on the notifications button to increase the reward you feel. I still use Facebook and Reddit but only about 30 minutes a day. And since doing the research on it and listening to the Tristan Harris chap, I can see why I'm using it and how unhealthy it is. Definitely recommend you checking him out. I think social media is probably especially bad for people like us who are already addicted to porn.

 

[Happyhippo]

This is day 13.

Today is pretty hard. I had several urges and have been aimlessly surfing on the internet but no P yet. I know that it's about fleeing the bad situation with my parents, it's a real pain.

@SebNZ Thanks for replying. I really hope this reboot will help me on my way to full honesty and will allow me to live a full and happy life. On social media: Yes I definitely agree with you. I even saw the movie on Netflix with my wife recently and decided yesterday to stop using Twitter for a while. And today, after I received a difficult phone call from my aunt talking about family issues, I already went back on Twitter. But I'll keep trying and definitely check Tristan Harris...

I hope to be able to tell you that I made it to day 14 tomorrow.

Wish me luck.

 

[Chris1986]

The urges and the feelings of depression/self loathing are strong at the start but brighter days are ahead.
If you are going to continue being along as much as you are maybe try doing it with a bit more purpose? Obviously you are coming on here but if you are into music composition maybe watch videos on music theory on youtube? 8bitmusic theory is great cause it teaches theory by breaking down kick as computer game music.

Regarding your relationship to your parents maybe try writing a letter. Not to send to them but a letter of what you want to say to them and be 100%. It can be sad, vile what ever emotions you are feeling this is YOUR letter that no one else will ever read. It may help some of the feelings flowing through you.

Good luck on your battle buddy. Cheering you on.

 

[Happyhippo]

This is day 14.

I made it. I don't know how. Feeling a little bit stronger today. I actually sent my parents a letter yesterday and some of the pressure is gone. But yes Chris1986, I often write letters expressing my emotions, without sending them and it helps a great deal. So I'll keep doing it.

I realised that the best way to go about this reboot is to post in the morning and then spend at least a part of my day offline. I'll definitely check out the 8bitmusic theory videos though, if I find the time besides writing job applications.

I'll keep you posted.