Warrior's Journey

[realficker]

Sorry to hear you have a big problem but as others has said well done for still posting on here. Remember that you are not alone and if you feel like you want to chat feel free to pm me sometime.
Cheering you on buddy.

I thank you for your kindness, Chris1986. It's not been easy. And I know every one here face great challenges in many forms. I will PM you if I get the courage. It has been dark these days.

I'm still trying to post here at least once a day.  It seems to help.
So far, I'm still clean. But I know it's not because of my willpower alone. A lot of problems recently. And a huge one. No time even to think about anything else.

I thank all brothers here for sharing their strength with me.
Wish you guys well.

Warrior_01, come on. Keep going and keep posting here. Its helping you. Never give up.

 

[SebUK]

Sorry to hear you have a big problem but as others has said well done for still posting on here. Remember that you are not alone and if you feel like you want to chat feel free to pm me sometime.
Cheering you on buddy.

I thank you for your kindness, Chris1986. It's not been easy. And I know every one here face great challenges in many forms. I will PM you if I get the courage. It has been dark these days.

I'm still trying to post here at least once a day.  It seems to help.
So far, I'm still clean. But I know it's not because of my willpower alone. A lot of problems recently. And a huge one. No time even to think about anything else.

I thank all brothers here for sharing their strength with me.
Wish you guys well.

Warrior_01, come on. Keep going and keep posting here. Its helping you. Never give up.

Agree with the keeping the daily posting (or even more if it helps). It is definitely helping me. In all past efforts at dealing with this addiction, I have stuck to the diary for a week or so then slowly trailed off. Now I'm finally sticking with it almost every day (needs to be every day!) and it is helping a lot. It is like a modern version of the Church confession? You are able to download all your thoughts and pains with regard to this problem (which let's be honest is hard to talk about in public) with people who are like-minded. Since the internet has been the source of our problem, let's make it the source of our solution!

 

[Warrior_01]

Yeah keep posting man. We are all cheering you on. I pmed you so you dont have to make the first move man.

Thanks, brother. Seeing your message made my day a lot happier. I'm sorry only today I was able to reply you.

Warrior_01, come on. Keep going and keep posting here. Its helping you. Never give up.

realficker, really thanks for cheer me up. Today I was really down in the end of the day. Reading this kind of encouragement makes me want to keep going. And this kind of words makes me remember how good is to come back here: gather strength and also try to help others in their struggle.
Thanks again!

Agree with the keeping the daily posting (or even more if it helps). It is definitely helping me. In all past efforts at dealing with this addiction, I have stuck to the diary for a week or so then slowly trailed off. Now I'm finally sticking with it almost every day (needs to be every day!) and it is helping a lot. It is like a modern version of the Church confession? You are able to download all your thoughts and pains with regard to this problem (which let's be honest is hard to talk about in public) with people who are like-minded. Since the internet has been the source of our problem, let's make it the source of our solution!

Wow! Your words are wise ones, SebNZ. I like the analogy with the church confession. Maybe thats one of the many reasons this diary help. I hope you can keep the daily post as well. I relate to what you said: The first days posting are the easy ones. Keeping every day to download all the thoughts is hard... but very effective, I agree with that.
I know I can't express myself very well. And I know my English skills are poor (a lot of grammatical errors, for sure) but this forum received me with open arms and no judgments at all. I feel at peace when posting here.


My strongest desire is to recover from this addiction and make a better use of my time, my life. I also have the desire to help others do the same. I must be strong for me and for my brothers on the battlefield.

 

[Warrior_01]

Thanks everyone that send me messages here so far. In time of stress and confusion, I came here and read again those messages.

One big problem that was affecting my life is resolved. It had costed me a lot of money, time and emotional fatigue. But it's gone.
I feel a bit more motivated now. Hope I can retake my physical exercises since my "pause" those last weeks, due to that problem.

I don't know which day I'm on (around 20, I believe). But it does not matter that much. Keeping the fight on. Day by day.

 

[robby]

Hey man - I saw your reply on my post that brought me here to your page. I can't believe our journeys have been so similar, coming from different parts of the world.

I also like that you have put your name as "Warrior" here. That not only goes to show the toughness of the job ahead but also your commitment to getting through it.

These forums are the best things I have found to get people like us through this. Please keep posting your updates and motivating not only yourself but more people like you.

All the best dude. Let's get this thing sorted.

 

[SebUK]

Thanks everyone that send me messages here so far. In time of stress and confusion, I came here and read again those messages.

One big problem that was affecting my life is resolved. It had costed me a lot of money, time and emotional fatigue. But it's gone.
I feel a bit more motivated now. Hope I can retake my physical exercises since my "pause" those last weeks, due to that problem.

I don't know which day I'm on (around 20, I believe). But it does not matter that much. Keeping the fight on. Day by day.

It is a helluva lot easier to deal with this addiction when you're not fighting other fires! I myself was in an unhappy relationship for about five years, some years back, and it was impossible really, to get a handle on the porn addiction. So good job for solving that other problem. Stress and anxiety is definitely a trigger for me, and sounds like it could be for you also, so you are on the right track!

 

[beautywaytraveler]

Warrior_1

I wish you continued growth and the strength to keep making your way through the obstacles. You are strong and resilient!

 

[Warrior_01]

Hey man - I saw your reply on my post that brought me here to your page. I can't believe our journeys have been so similar, coming from different parts of the world.

I also like that you have put your name as "Warrior" here. That not only goes to show the toughness of the job ahead but also your commitment to getting through it.

These forums are the best things I have found to get people like us through this. Please keep posting your updates and motivating not only yourself but more people like you.

All the best dude. Let's get this thing sorted.

Hi, robby. Hope you are well, friend.
Thanks for the reply on this journal.
Yeah, you got it right:: We are all Warriors here. And the challenges ahead are tremendous. It is, without a doubt, an "inner war" each day for all of us. This war we fight, cannot be won without great commitment and strength. And allies.
This forum help us a lot. Powerful allies we find here. Let's win this war together, robby!

Warrior_1

I wish you continued growth and the strength to keep making your way through the obstacles. You are strong and resilient!

Many thanks, beautywaytraveler. We share a mutual strength and resilience here. Hope I can help others here like you guys help me.

It is a helluva lot easier to deal with this addiction when you're not fighting other fires! I myself was in an unhappy relationship for about five years, some years back, and it was impossible really, to get a handle on the porn addiction. So good job for solving that other problem. Stress and anxiety is definitely a trigger for me, and sounds like it could be for you also, so you are on the right track!

Hi, SebNZ. Good to hear you put an end to this unhappy relationship. I believe our lives and our time are precious things. No one should waste this precious time with unhappy relationships. Unfortunately, I have seen a lot of good people in this situation. I know it's hard to end a relationship. I salute you for your strength.


Update: Urges are strong this week. Past two weeks was really hard due to a problem unrelated to this addiction. So big was this problem, I almost feel no urges at all. Today I feel more motivated and less trouble.
The urges are back. Since I was able to fix that problem, my motivation got stronger. I'm confident I will resist the urges.
I must remain vigilant. The enemy (the dark part of ourselves) strike in each weakness.

 

[Warrior_01]

Been missing for a while. Not by will.

Short update for now: Temptations got high this last days. I could have treated the issues better in my mind.

Must try harder. Must be smarter. More active.

To the fight, then!

 

[Chris1986]

Temptations may of got high for you but you are still fighting and didn't give in so remember this is a small victory and lots of small victories will help us all achieve our goals.

 

[Warrior_01]

Temptations may of got high for you but you are still fighting and didn't give in so remember this is a small victory and lots of small victories will help us all achieve our goals.

Thanks for the encouragement, Chris1986.

Sometimes I get depressed thinking about "This struggle will never end. I will always be and addict in recovery. Always forcing the guard up against these evils.
And I have a big plan in my life: I wish to buy a house/apartment and live alone. Enjoy peace, silence and quiet. Perfect solitude.
On the other hand, I know for a fact that loneliness is almost impossible for people like me, with this kind of addiction.

 

[Warrior_01]

Every moment alone is a struggle.

My mind telling me "This time is short, make it up for the lost time and watch some before anyone comes out". "You are 30 years old and so so few times had sex in life. Compensate for it watching P."
"This is your only opportunity for seeing girls"

This inner battle is not easy. I need to read more about recovery, apply more skills, tips and tricks to keep my shields up. And my evil mind shut.

I send my good intentions to everyone in this struggle. Strength for us all.

 

[Chris1986]

I found it helpful to view voices like that as a villian, maybe even a devil on your shoulder. Remember "they" do not have your best interests in their hearts. They want to corrupt and consume you. Keep on your path to the light my friend.

 

[Warrior_01]

Back to day zero.
I will come back stronger.
I want to be cured. My life must be better than this.

 

[imsorrynotsorry]

Hello Warrior_01,

Recovering is incremental. The slightest improvement is an improvement. Collect them and, more important, make them stay.

Deconnect this thought of your PMO.

The feelings connected to your addiction, anger, regret, anxiety, etc. therefore, since you need tips, try to accept them and let them go. In the web you find exercises how to let things/emotions go. What i've learned: (sit upright, breath easy)
- catch the emotion, recall it
- sense what your gut is saying, not your mind
- can you just let it exist? Maybe, can you welcome it as a part of you today?
- what does your belly say? Feel it.
- finally, can you let it go?

Repetition is the key.

Imsor

 

[SebUK]

hi warrior!

i see that you are treating this as a battle. I have done this myself and at times it has been helpful. Maybe you could also consider reframing it a bit; rather than seeing the addiction as an enemy to be destroyed, you could treat it as a part of yourself that is calling out for help, and asking for porn as the solution. Obviously this is the wrong solution, but the part of you calling out for help is not the enemy.

I suggest this because I myself find I couldn't 'kill' the addiction, it just keeps regenerating like an endgame boss with unlimited health. But it has a weakness, and that is the part of you behind it, which has real needs and desires that might not be being met.

Just a suggestion!

 

[Warrior_01]

Hi, imsorrynotsorry. Thank you for commenting on my journal.
I agree with you. I should make every bit improvement stay with me. This has proven to be very hard. I have read text, podcasts, videos. And all this gives me an extra boost. But each day this knowledge of improvement seems to fade away. Even the lessons I learn from every relapse. So I completely agree with you in the importance of making them stay with me. I'm thinking in wiriting down some stuffs to remember in my darkest hours.
And thank you for the tip you describe. I'm very positive mindfulness is a great tool in these moments. And your tip seems a bit like mindfulness. I liked it and will try today!

hi warrior!

i see that you are treating this as a battle. I have done this myself and at times it has been helpful. Maybe you could also consider reframing it a bit; rather than seeing the addiction as an enemy to be destroyed, you could treat it as a part of yourself that is calling out for help, and asking for porn as the solution. Obviously this is the wrong solution, but the part of you calling out for help is not the enemy.

I suggest this because I myself find I couldn't 'kill' the addiction, it just keeps regenerating like an endgame boss with unlimited health. But it has a weakness, and that is the part of you behind it, which has real needs and desires that might not be being met.

Just a suggestion!

Hi, SebNZ. I appreciate your wisdom. In fact, I take what you say to the heart. Maybe I'm doing the wrong approach in this addiction, since my strategies has not worked very well so far.
I realize I have this addiction because of unfulfilled needs and insecurities. So you are right when you say there is a part of me calling out for help.
I wiil reflect on what you say and try to reframe this "battle".

Today is a bad day in my head. Negative thought about: "You will never have a woman in your life", "You will never be loved, nor have sexual fulfillment". "P is the closer thing you will get". These voices are really annoying. Last month was my birthday. My wish for the next year is to be free of P and have a good life.

 

[SebUK]

Good stuff mate. I intend to be here for 2021 so I will be cheering you on

 

[Warrior_01]

Thanks, SebNZ.
I intend to be here for 2021 too ^^.

Today not feeling any trigger. In fact, all I can think now is: It's so lame to watch these kinds of things and feel aroused. Is just pixels and fake acting.
I wonder how many hours I have spent of my life in this kind of stupid.
But I know, unfortunately this conviction won't last. In one day or two, arouse will be back.
So I'm putting more filters, writings some things, reading stuff to get me prepared.

I heard this on a podcast about P recovery: "When you are at your best, prepare for your worst"

 

[Chris1986]

I think something that might be good to remember is PORN GIVE US NOTHING.

Nothing real.

Nothing with substance.

Just like smoking their is only downsides with it.

If we look at this quote by Allen Carr and replace the word smokers with PORN USER

"The main reason that PORN USERS find it difficult to quit is that they believe that they are giving up a genuine pleasure or crutch. It is absolutely essential to understand that there is nothing to 'give up'."