Rebooting for Life

benb

Member
Hi stepbystep,

Holding the line strong bro! Thanks for asking. I'm on day 20 now. Have not PMO, nor P. I don't think much about P these days, but I know at some point this kind of withdrawal will be the strongest trigger for me.

As I experienced it in the past, after one month or so of sobriety, I slowly try to persuade myself to PMO again using statements like "I can stop anytime I want" and "I don't have a real problem". But these, I was able to go through quite easily. What made me relapse at that point in my last attempt was kind of weird. While I was not checking for P on the web, I was indirectly searching for it (or some replacement for it) in my daily activities. For instance, before the last relapse, I was re-playing Mafia II, and at some point, I discovered that there were hidden pictures of sexy women in every stage of the game. After a while, I was playing (and replaying every level) in order to obtain those. This slowly escalated in me searching for boring and quite trivial stuff on Google like "bikini", or "wet-t contests" (like when I was a 14 yo boy fapping on the family computer). Without knowing it, after about a week, I was right back at it, full-force, my usual festishes (e.g., huge tits, lesbian milking, lactation, etc.) in the front, and my pride well behind me.

 

stepbystep

Active Member
Hi Ben, great to hear you're doing well. I remember one phrase someone used that the road to relapse happens long before the actual relapse. I feel that is very true. Before relapsing, I have fantasized, thought about how to relapse, lingered on triggers. All of these result in the final relapse. I think we have to stay vigilant all the time to make sure we don't let any of these thoughts in our head to begin with.
 

benb

Member
Day 26: My urges have diminished to a great extent, but I can't say my mood has improved since I started to reboot. A more accurate statement would rather be that I'm at a steady low level right now.

Last week, I started to MO again (you know, with imagination and stuff...). It was not very satisfying. I MOed yesterday to, but again, it was not very rewarding, as the downside was a drop in my mood afterward. That allowed me to realize that I am still on very shaky grounds. Yesterday for instance, I was watching youtube videos at lunch, and I found myself re-playing a couple of time a video that was involving a woman with big tits (like the one I used to jerk on for hours). After a couple of seconds watching, I realized that I was playing with my reward circuitry and that the next step was P, and that it was coming fast. I closed the window right away.

I think I'm slowly beginning to lack motivation.
 

benb

Member
Thanks for the reply stepbystep :)

Day 32: I do hope these urges will pass over time. There are somewhat less frequent, but still strong nonetheless. I found out that it is definitely too easy to go on fantasizing about the fetishes I developed over the years. It's like I'm having a craving every time I see a beautiful woman with big tits on the tv, in a journal or on the street.

Anyway, I know reboot is a process, but as more time goes, the easier it seems for me to suddenly consider relapse as a rational escape. The toughest for me these days is when old memories of videos I used to jerk off with suddenly reappear in my mind. The next step (what I am saying to myself) is always the hardest: "Well, what about a little trip to youporn, tube8, youjizz, redtube, etc. You've reach 30 days. Certainly, you are cured and able to redo another 30 days after a few mores videos. Then, I usually will fantasize about a list of woman I've always had in mind (like 8 or 10 women that are my absolute tops) and then say something like: "I wonder if there are any new videos of any of these girls?"

In short, still tough...
 

stepbystep

Active Member
Congrats on the 30 days. It's tough still but keep going and temptations will lessen over time. Hang in there and not long from now you will hit 60 days!!
 

benb

Member
Hi RN Community,

After 62 days, I'm back to square one! I relapsed 2 days ago. In the last three weeks, I experienced though personal moments/situations, and that may have to do with the relapse. Nonetheless, the good point in all this is that I think I dentified the trigger that drove me to PMO. Around day 45-50, I began to slowly re-introduce mild/soft triggers in my daily life, like doing random searches with Google. Nothing like P at first, but more of a little tease to get excited. I would search things like a 14 yo boy would do when he's alone at home: "bras", women in bikini", etc. I am pretty confident in saying that around that time, I lost the battle and started to think again about my regular fetishes.

Givin' it another try!  ;)

Safe journey bros!

 

akpal2

Well-Known Member
BennyB. said:
Hi RN Community,

After 62 days, I'm back to square one! I relapsed 2 days ago. In the last three weeks, I experienced though personal moments/situations, and that may have to do with the relapse. Nonetheless, the good point in all this is that I think I dentified the trigger that drove me to PMO. Around day 45-50, I began to slowly re-introduce mild/soft triggers in my daily life, like doing random searches with Google. Nothing like P at first, but more of a little tease to get excited. I would search things like a 14 yo boy would do when he's alone at home: "bras", women in bikini", etc. I am pretty confident in saying that around that time, I lost the battle and started to think again about my regular fetishes.

Givin' it another try!  ;)

Safe journey bros!

Hi Benny from Quebec. Comment ca va? Fellow Canadian here but down from Southern Ontario.

I noticed a few things in your journal which I found very helpful and inspirational to read. I myself am also trying to overcome my latest relapse. You can go through my latest posts in my journal if you want to, I am today on day 7 of my reboot. As a long time sufferer, I must say that thinking about sex or fantasizing is a problem. It will hinder your progress significantly. The idea is to wire to a real person, not to our thoughts or to virtual images like those on screen.

This means your reboot should have no sexual thoughts whatsoever let alone watching bikini pics. After all, just like porn, these are giving us dopamine rushes, right? I have struggled massively with porn and then fantasy and edging. Edging has really ruined my neural pathways and screwed up the wiring i believe. But anyhow, my advice would be to go real hard mode, and no cheating.

I know, easier said than done. But that is the way it has to be done. Hang in there buddy and wish me luck.
 

benb

Member
Hello guys,

Hope everything's okay for you all :)

Since my last post on this forum, I had quite an "up-and-down" period. I have had many relapses, which were directed straight to my ususal fetishes (a little bit of habituation though, since I noticed that I progressed from what I was usually using for PMO). The pattern usually preceeding those relapses was a 10-day streak or so that I was able to turn into something like "I am not really a P addict. I am able to abstain. I can do whatever I want when I want to". Circumstances pertaining to COVID-19 may have had a bad effect on my behavior.

However (and it may be hard to admit), I don't wanna make excuses anymore. I am fully accountable for relapsing several times in the last couple of months. I still learn a lot though and now know that there are certain times in the day where my "evil genius" pops up. I also learn the concept of "pre-lapse" which I did not knew before. I identified it to be an important trigger, as I usually go see soft pictures on the net after a certain times of abstinence. This does certainly the job, as it drove me back into P every time.

I am on day 9 of my actual reboot.

I would like your comments, but also in need of your assistance on this tough journey.

Thank you,
 
Top