First day of the rest of my life

[Tinmann]

I am so very disappointed in myself.
This morning I allowed myself to fall into that familiar trap of Pornography. I didn't want to but the urge was to strong. Laying in bed feeling sorry for myself I browsed those old familiar websites drinking in images. I stopped but found myself returning.
I didn't masturbate but this is still a big loss for me. Rebooting was at least something I was consciously doing that I felt good about.
I will try again.

 

[Phineas 808]

Yes, try and try again. It is within you to beat this thing- to change your habits, change your life.

You have in the moment a stark contrast between what you consciously feel good about (rebooting) and the disappointment you feel.

But this is a good place, just like the tension in a bow pulled all the way back (far from the target), but nonetheless building energy. Release that bow-string, and let the arrow fly!

My analogy is, take these negative feelings you have right now, and use them, use this moment as an opportunity to launch toward your goal, your target.

Think about what led to the urges, can you change any habit surrounding this? What emotions were you feeling, were you trying to alter your mood? Can you identify a moment before responding to the urges where you could have gone a different direction, done something differently?

Wishing you well, Tinmann- embrace the potential in this moment, unpleasant as it may be, to launch toward your desired goals.

 

[LetItGoAlready]

Hi Tinmann - Really sorry to hear about your slip this morning, but ALL IS NOT LOST. Getting caught in that trap is upsetting and feels like a huge let down, but try not to get caught up in the trap of black and white thinking.

Few who have struggled with PA have been able to rocket towards recovery without some slips along the way. In fact, I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that NO ONE IN HISTORY WHO HAS EVER TRIED TO REBOOT FROM PA HAS SUCCESSFULLY AVOIDED A SLIP. It is unfortunately part of the process, as are the feelings of shame and self-loathing that follow a slip. Which is why it's important to take the long view of your recovery and not get caught in a spiral of negative thinking.

The long view is that you are confronting the problem. Not running from the problem. Not hiding from it. Or lying to yourself about it. You are full on confronting it, my friend. Balls to the wall, coming clean to the brotherhood confronting it.

Feel good about the fact that you are here bravely dealing with this shit when so many others refuse to acknowledge that they even have a problem or are too ashamed to admit it to another human being. And have some compassion for yourself right now because it's not an easy thing to deal with. Take care!

 

[J01]

Your journey is just beginning and you are already off to a good start.  Being disappointed, as you stated, is appropriate, and is different than being despondent, which is of no use.  Good stuff has been posted in the earlier comments by Let It Go and Phineas; concur with them and hope you can learn from the slip and keep going! 

 

[Tinmann]

Thank you all for the support and the advice.
    I stumbled,fell and honestly wasn't sure if I was going to be able to get back up again, but I did. Resources like Reboot Nation and you, my peers not only give me hope but the courage to get back up on my feet brush myself off and continue forward on my journey. I thank you all for this.
            I won't go into detail about my relapse into porn but I will tell you that once I was in its clutches it was difficult break free. One interesting thing I noticed is that my brain on porn is definitely a different one. I noticed a personality change. When I was rebooting my thoughts seemed more clear, my brain less muddled and I had much less anger inside. I was a better person.
      I believe this is what helped me when I woke up this morning. I want to be that person. The person that's a little quicker to smile, a little more inner peace, the person that feels better about himself. When porn is an active part of my life my soul feels a little darker and I feel like I'm hiding secrets, which I am, and that's just not healthy.
                I am an avid hiker and never have I Let a slip, stumble or even a fall stop me from getting to the top of the mountain.
          I'm not going to let this relapse get in my way to  reach my final goal.

 

[Phineas 808]

When porn is an active part of my life my soul feels a little darker and I feel like I'm hiding secrets, which I am, and that's just not healthy.

I like your hiking analogy, and as you're faithful and disciplined in that, you can also be in your reboot.

If secrecy is your tendency (as it is mine), then coming here to journal more regularly, keeping yourself accountable to brothers who've got your back, is not only ideal, but a must.

Self-deception can keep you dealing with this same old stuff, not only for years, but decades. Don't let this reboot be just another exercise in self-deception.

Rise above, and stand on the top of this, enjoying that beautiful horizon on the other side.

 

[LetItGoAlready]

Tinmann - Really happy to hear that you've emerged from this stronger and even more determined than before. The way we get through this is by taking this battle one day at a time, by being flexible with ourselves and committed to change, and by embracing slips as an opportunity to learn and grow. The top of the mountain is within your grasp. You've got this, friend!