Tired of living a dual life

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positive_beginning

Active Member
I will be turning 29 this november, so am old enough to take control of my life.And, control of my life will come from controlling my habits.And controlling my habits will come from controlling my actions.And controlling controlling my actions means controlling my thoughts.So, its a cycle which begins from my thoughts.And this is what i have to master over.
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A bit about my past :
The corruption and pollution in mind started around the age of 13-14.I used to MO almost everyday, I can reminisce, more than twice .P was occasional,sometimes as we dint had internet at home.Life had changed.I had been more  like suffering from social anxiety.I got twtiching in the eyes, my heart running faster, my growth around the bones stopped.I visited doctor but none of them could point out the reason. 
But then around the age of 20 , I lost the size and power under.I used to have excess of night emissions.
I tried for natural  medicines with naturalist doctors whom I can't afford that time.So, I was doomed and accepted life that way.I would occasionaly MO though.
4 years back , though I had got a laptop with internet connection which brought the filthy p into my life almost daily. I  PMO to TV programme scenes or movie scenes , not much of nudity. Don't have an account with any p sites.There are streaks like 30/40 days no PMO but then it comes back.

I had came across this thing that P affect ED and penile health, a year or so back.But then I just read and made  no conscious effort to do anything, I had actually accepted my life is doomed and am beyond repair.
Only Hope is God curing me. I hoped may be eating some natural medicines will cure me.
Few weeks back somehow  i again got that article and read the same thing and this time I don't know why I made a resolve to start the journey here as to kick of this filth from my life.

I been a bit shy all my life ,and morever in our country and religion , it is a taboo to have gf or sex before marriage.So, I never had any physical touch with any woman, leave alone relationship.


I know I have lost :

1. Degree  from one of the top ranked college
2. Become detached with family, relatives, friends
3.My brain is not the same
4.My left  Eyes used to pain
5.My left part of the brain at the back pains
6.I am still not financially stable
7.I rejected many marriage proposals for fear I won't be able to erect ..
8.I wasted my heart , i am leading a double life of a hypocrite .I am tired of this stuff. All the people think I am so good guy while I am filthy in my heart
9.I wasted countless hours -which will never come back - which was the
reason I lost many many things
10.P is the reason for my parents not living a good life, and my siblings are struggling
11. I used to be the pride of my family and parents, I put every one down
12.I do have Social anxiety  which pulls me from progressing
13.I have lost many opportunities in life due to this depression and filthy habit
14....and the list is endless

I can't afford to live in denial, I can't afford to slip up , For the sake of my parents, my brother
my family , my community - but most of all for myself..I was not sent by God to this Earth for fapping , I
have been given a purpose , a clear goal which I keep forgetting.I can die any moment, what legacy will I leave
behind....?


I know , I only PMO at late night. When everyone is sleep and I go  mindless browsing on my laptop 

So, the most effective solution would be :
1. Sleep  early -
2.Mindless browsing = Facebook ,most of the time.
3. Monitoring my internet time, will jounral it .

 
C

ClayJack93

Member
Hey man, welcome to the journey to wellness. I think in your case you need a clear definition of what is causing the problems in your life. Is it masturbation induced anxiety? If that is the case, stopping is not easy, but at the same time it is easy, you just have to get the tool, the mindset, and the support. I get the vibe that you do not have a clear view of what is causing your problems. Pinpoint something that you know is not good for you, and tackle it.

If you can give me a clear viewpoint of what is causing your problems, myself and this community will be here to help you solve your problems.

God can provide support, but it takes you to follow through. God doesn't work physical wonders in this world for us, believers just have to follow his path.
 
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positive_beginning

Active Member
Thanks mate for dropping by

Yea, I guess I can't understand the reasons of my problem..

What are the questions shall i answer to get to the pinpoint of my problems ?
 
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positive_beginning

Active Member
Now, I am getting the feeling my dop-a-mine is seeking a high. Calling me to fap.
I guess, to-day I got the pattern of thoughts which I have been following since 3-4 years

I feel bad about my penile health as it remain function-less through out the day (except morning wood) ..my head shout me  to peek and fap ..and i happily oblige

This is a great internal thought process discovery.

       
 
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Tu 0 Seven

Guest
Hi positive_beginning,


You've listed many things you have lost. And have given it to the account of PMO. Waiting for wonders from abstaining just won't happen.

Take it one step at a time man. You will slip up, just like the 100% of us. That does not matter.

What matters is solving your listed problems in real life, then PMO will slowly start fading away.


Be prepared to give it time, and adjust to new things on your journey! Things will get better, while they will just as well get worse! That's just how our life is.

But you will get more conscious, day by day. And life will get more real.

Praying every day must be a good thing. Keep that good habit mate!


Good will and peace on your journey!
 
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positive_beginning

Active Member
Tu 0 Seven said:
Hi positive_beginning,


You've listed many things you have lost. And have given it to the account of PMO. Waiting for wonders from abstaining just won't happen.

Take it one step at a time man. You will slip up, just like the 100% of us. That does not matter.

What matters is solving your listed problems in real life, then PMO will slowly start fading away.


Be prepared to give it time, and adjust to new things on your journey! Things will get better, while they will just as well get worse! That's just how our life is.

But you will get more conscious, day by day. And life will get more real.

Praying every day must be a good thing. Keep that good habit mate!


Good will and peace on your journey!
Click to expand...
Thanks for the advice mate. Matters a lot.
 
fox_hole

fox_hole

Active Member
Hey mate. Good luck with this. It's great that you've articulated the harm that PMO has done to your life, and that you're putting some strategies in place to break unhelpful patterns. I also pray/meditate in the mornings and find it really helpful for coming back to myself.

I know I've found it really helpful to educate myself about PMO addiction etc. Are you using the resources on the yourbrainonporn website? I've been surprised how useful it's been to build my knowledge about some of the internal mechanisms influencing my behaviour, as well as getting a good sense of the consequences of PMO addiction.

Also, I use k9 web filter to make it more difficult to access P. It certainly doesn't solve all the problems (there is always a way around a filter!!) but it is helpful in that it makes it a bit more diffciult for me and so gives me time to try other strategies (get out of the house, leave the computer, talk to someone, drink tea...) If you haven't checked this out already there's a summary of different filters here: http://yourbrainonporn.com/web-filters

I also find it helpful to notice the victories as well as acknowledging the falls. There's many small successes that we achieve, taking the time to post here being an obvious one, but really anytime we take a moment to reflect and choose to act/think in a way that is positive (like eating something good for us, not going on FB, being mindful when we interact with someone etc). I find by acknowledging small victories in my day-to-day I can build up my sense of ability and the recognition that I can move through this and find new ways.

These things are helpful for me. As well as of course trying to build up the social side of this struggle (e.g. by using this forum). I find these three aspects (i.e. education, building my sense of ability, and building the social aspect of rebooting) together strengthen my ability to resist in those 'peak' moment (e.g. at night, when i'm stressed and alone) until they pass. They always pass hey!

I hope this is helpful. Keep moving mate. Each step is worth it.
 
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positive_beginning

Active Member
Thanks mate for dropping by.
Yea, articulating the harms has helped to strengthen my resolve.
I have been studying a bit daily about PMO addiction and plan to keep it that way. I also now tell others about the harm.
Yea, I have installed the K9 on my laptop.It's going to help me,to remind myself.
With this forum , I have decided to come out open with my secret and almost hypocritical habit.I could have never done that in my real life.

Thanks for posting on my journal, you don't know how much it mean to me.
 
fox_hole

fox_hole

Active Member
Yes, that's one of the annoying things about K9. You can make exceptions to websites in the settings area, which sometimes helps.
 
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positive_beginning

Active Member
relapsed after 4 days

I am an addict,I don't know why I logged in to youtube ....I was in bit of dtress, looking for some solution online .....> mindless browsing-->touch my pvt area--->leads my mind to login youtube---->Relapse


I need to sleep early and wake up early , unless i do that y
Fix working hours
No useless browsing
No touching under
Got to confirm my K9 working .Perhaps need to get  the solution
Come here and read and post

Edit:more than anything, i need to committ to de addict myself .
 
fox_hole

fox_hole

Active Member
Good to hear your still committed even after a relapse.

I know in my experience it's always been more difficult the first few days after a relapse, and it's required me to be really mindful of triggers and any edging behaviour.

Also for me there's a story that starts after relapse that goes something like: "well now I've relapsed it doesn't matter if I just PMO again, I've already done it so who cares". Which is of course not true. The task is to rebuild after a relapse. Not cause more destruction!

Unfortunately relapses have made it a lot more difficult to reboot, and in the end just cause more turmoil. But in my opinion they are also an opportunity to really get to know our triggers and the edging behaviour that can lead to relapse, and so they can help us sharpen our strategy for overcoming this. I know for me that continuing to post here after a relapse, as well as taking stock of why I relapsed and putting measures in place to deal with triggers/edging etc has meant I've been able to rebuild and feel even stronger in my resolve.

Good luck and strength to you positive_beginning.
 
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positive_beginning

Active Member
Exactly, the reason why i chose to keep posted as soon as i relapsed.I dont want to go to binge, don't want to forget i'm rebooting..these relapses are delaying my success but i don't fail unless  I quit
 
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weir

Member
I like your First Few Lines About Controlling Thats Very nice and so true

I also have same past visited doctors but none of them know whats going on with me,
I dont know why You wrote everything in the post describe my self, I also gone through same as you..
8.I wasted my heart , i am leading a double life of a hypocrite .I am tired of this stuff. All the people think I am so good guy while I am filthy in my heart
9.I wasted countless hours -which will never come back - which was the
reason I lost many many things
11. I used to be the pride of my family and parents, I put every one down
12.I do have Social anxiety  which pulls me from progressing
13.I have lost many opportunities in life due to this depression and filthy habit
14....and the list is endless
Click to expand...
Me too my friend I am also hypocrite

I can't afford to live in denial, I can't afford to slip up , For the sake of my parents, my brother
my family , my community - but most of all for myself..I was not sent by God to this Earth for fapping , I
have been given a purpose , a clear goal which I keep forgetting.I can die any moment, what legacy will I leave
behind....?
Click to expand...

So true My freind,,this gives me my further motivation..

Sleeping Early is also my goal, Which if my creator makes easy I will go to sleep today earlier..

Its nice to read your post, It describe myself also provide motivation, Good luck my friend
 
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positive_beginning

Active Member
gave in to my cravings again..a 5 minute video on youtube..I was on some TED video and then got a trigger and like an addict I fed my dopaine..But I won't be too hard on myself , I think God knows I am trying to change for His sake and I seek his help.I have decided to give away this laptop - i think if implemented , will change my way of life to a great extent.

So to day zero again , and this is going to be a memorable beginning tomorrow as its day of Eid- day of sacrifice.
 
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positive_beginning

Active Member
I watched a comedy movies but which i felt is not in line with my non pixel reboot.My brain tricked into me moving into this movie saying i wont be getting fre time again..but the good thing was i was not objectifying women.I loved the character of the men and women and i felt the emotions ...I did closed the tube channel but  i have reset my counter again..i feel brain will trick me again to this and eventually lead me to PMO..I am an addict now 

I wont watch movies / videos with woman any further.
I need to recover and can't allow my dopamine to be fed in any way

So, day 1 again    (but i know  i am improving)
 
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positive_beginning

Active Member
It was a nice day , but urges are hitting me hard now..
If i MO'ed or PMO'ed then I will -
sleep late night,  wake up foggy & will miss tomorrow's class, will not be feeling good at work, will not be asking clients for payment, will delay my recovery, may be i will be die in the state and will never get a chance to repent and will wake up on the day of judgement doing this same act...how much shame will i bring to myself and others on that day...PMO is not an option for me..it will bring nothing but shame -guilty-loss to me

From next week,  i will be joining a gym.I am a skinny in arms but bulky in my stomach ,am worried how will guys out there react to me..but that is why i am going with some regular gym going guys.. 
 
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