Impulsivity. The pain-pleasure principle.
Being an 'empty' person, probably, is the main reason I go back and forth to P again.
My last setback is about 4 days ago, after some period of time of not having any thoughts to go back to P. Those weeks were amazing, since I didn't deliberately plan my recovery journey. Until last week. And I realized something..
On day to day basis, I don't often feeling the urge to go back to P. What I constantly feel is the urge to fill a big hole in my life, my inability to create meaning of what I'm doing. My poor intolerance of pain and my ruminative mind. Every time I feel that urge, I will impulsively engaging in something that completely steal my attention. Whether it's food, endless scrolling on instagram, and P.
And it doesn't help me anything! I realized that, the helplessness I feel every time I engage in activities or even my study is something that my mind creates. It's not real. No body is inherently helpless. But merely knowing isn't enough, right? I have to experience how does it feel to defeat the delusional helplessness by my own.
It's been almost a year since I wrote my first journal, and I'm disappointed knowing that I'm literally not going anywhere since last year. It sucks.
Sometimes, I feel like I hit the rock-bottom in something. But next time, I'll be in the even lower stage than the former.. I can see how flawed my perception on things around me and even myself.
Today, I come back to this forum and read others' stories. I need some courage and times that I don't constantly being a self-centered individual. It's nice to see how we differ in our stage of recovery. Some have just started. Some have succeeded. Some still struggling. Some on the stagnant stage.
Probably will come back later!
