One step towards a gay new life

[raoulf]

I'm a 27 year old gay man and I'm addicted to porn and masturbation.  It's taken me awhile to recognize that I was actually addicted and how it was affecting me.  I came out in high school but at the time I didn't know of any other gay people in my area so I told myself I'd wait until college to meet someone.  Around my senior year of high school my family finally got internet at home and that's when I started PMO.  At first it wasn't very often but by the time I was a sophomore in college I was using it at least once a day.  My junior year of college I met my first boyfriend and finally was hoping to lose my virginity.  I was really into him but the night that we got intimate I could not get an erection.  I was mortified, I knew that I was capable of an erection because I got one to PMO but it just laid there limp with my boyfriend.  I chalked it up to nerves and poor body image (I had recently gained 20 pounds of weight).  But as time went on I started to feel like there may be something else going on.

After that relationship ended I tried a number of one night stands, each ending with embarrassment because I could not perform.  Things really came to a head with my last boyfriend.  He was everything I had ever wanted and I found him so attractive and yet again, 95% of the time I could not get or maintain an erection with him.  This really hurt him and there were a number of times that he worried aloud that I didn't find him attractive or really wasn't in to him, and after a year of dating he left me.  For the last 4 years I've been single and my PMO habit has grown.  About 7 months ago I discovered YBOP and everything finally clicked.  It made sense, my symptoms, coupled with my behavior it made complete sense. 

So I decided right there to just quit PMO, simple right? No.  It's been an incredibly rocky 7 months.  The longest streak I could get would be 30 days and then I would fall off the wagon and binge PMO for a few days.  Over the summer I had worked my way back up to around 30 days but failed again and have since been unable to get back on track.  I moved away from my hometown in August to go to law school and I feel like my PMO addiction has sky rocketed since leaving home.  I'm sure it has something to do with the stress and isolation of being in a new city, doing a new job, and needed an outlet.

I really would like to eventually have a fulfilling relationship with the right guy but I feel like my PMO is really holding me back.  I'm very self-conscious and anxious most of the time and I truly believe a great deal of it is stemming from the PMO, because when I would be able to abstain for a few weeks it always amazed me how much calmer I felt.  Now that I've moved to a city with a larger gay population I don't want to miss my chance with a great guy because PMO.

So I've decided that I can't make this journey alone. I need support and so I'm reaching out to you guys.  I've read your posts and stories for awhile now seeking the motivation I needed, but I feel like I need to actually get involved and put myself out here to reap the most benefits.  I know this journey is not going to be easy, but I'm hoping with some support I will be successful this time.

 

[johngalt75321]

Hey Raoulf,

I so releate to your story! I am a 31 year old gay man, and I also grew up in a small town. However, coming from such an anti-gay family/community, I didn't come out until after college (so kudos to you for coming out so young!). So, needless to say, I turned to internet porn, and the rest is history. I think this has to be a pretty common theme in our community.

Anyway, I never developed severe ED (though being a top became more and more difficult). For me, I just became super desensitized--so bad that the only way that I knew I was 'in' was my partner's reaction (sorry if that's too graphic). How fucked up is that???

For what it's worth, the best short-term advice I have is to get rid of all triggers: porn (obviously), suggestive TV, and my personal weakness: hookup apps. What's really messed up is I've found I'm more turned on by the pictures people see, than the actuall event when we meet up.

Anyway, it's awesome to see another gay dude on here! (nothing wrong with all you straight guys, but it's nice to chat with someone who actually lust after the same things as you, lol)! As they say, welcome to the Nation!

 

[fox_hole]

Hey it's really good to read your words. It's inspiring to hear about the way you're continuing to struggle with this and refusing to give in despite relapses. I can really relate to that point in which you realise there is a problem and it's just like "ok, that's it then", with no real idea of how difficult it will be, and the various trips and traps along the way! Also yes, the context we're in is pretty influential. My own patterns of PMO have become much more intense since I started a year of really hectic study (what I should be doing right now!), which has brought a lot of stress and isolation (working alone researching on my laptop etc).

Anyway, thanks for your words, good luck, keep going!

 

[raoulf]

Day 1:

First, Johngalt and dog_hole, thank you so much for the words of encouragement and the welcome to the community.  John I can completely relate to hookup apps as a trigger.  At first, when I was going through my first attempt at rebooting, I thought that they may be helpful because I would be having sex in the real world.  I really think they just make the situation worse.  First, I found that I would end up edging to the process of finding a hookup, and then if I actually went through with the hookup again I was usually unable to perform(I'm also a top, so it really makes things complicated when that was the whole point of meeting up with the person).  After I moved, I downloaded a few apps because I thought I might be able to meet people through them, but I've really mainly been using them to look at the pictures and use the interaction online to MO.  Another weakness for me has been the craigslist personal ad pages.  Again I usually just end up edging to the ads rather than responding to them.

I understand the importance of rewiring with real people but I think I'm reaching a point in my life where I would like my sexual encounters to come from a place of substance.  In my past reboot attempts, around day 30, I would become so horny I would either try to hookup or relapse.  When I would hookup with someone, I never felt completely satisfied and I really think it's because I want to connect with the person on more than a sexual level.

I made some positive steps today, first I deleted the hookup apps from my phone.  I also was unpacking some boxes and came across an old hard drive and realized it was filled with my former porn collection.  I opened the file folders and was so tempted to watch one video, but instead I opened Disk Utility and erased the hell out of the disk.  In the moment before I hit the erase button, there was so much temptation and almost a sadness like I was loosing a friend, which was a scary realization.  Just how strongly this addiction can take hold of you.  It was really eye opening to feel those sensations and deal with the thoughts that were pushing me not to delete the files and to open one instead.  So that's where I am today.  I have noticed I was a bit more anxious today than normal, though I'm generally a more anxious person, not sure if that's withdrawal or just a case of the Monday's. 

Did I use porn today?
Nope.

What were your triggers?
The hard drive of old porn and the gym.  It's really hard not to want to look at porn after I've been working out.

How did I soothe my anxiety or stress?
I've been trying to get back into meditation.  I've found for me it's the best way to get grounded and calm

What am I grateful for today?
My newly formatted backup drive.

 

[fox_hole]

Awesome! I can def relate with the "losing a friend" feeling. It's strange. A very unhealthy friend though ey, and good work dumping him! Good to hear your wins, and good luck.

 

[johngalt75321]

Hey raoulf,

I totally understand where you are coming from about feeling 'sad' about deleting/giving up porn. I read a great article on http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/why-am-i-feeling-so-sad-about-giving-up-porn , under "Porn FAQs": "Why am I feeling so sad about giving up porn?"

In a nutshell, it says your brain kind of thinks of porn as a huge harem. And by rebooting, you are breaking up with that harem. Hence, you are sad about it. It sounds so pathetic that our brains are that dumb, but it is was it is!

Regarding the gym, I know what you mean-I couldn't reboot without it, but it can be a trigger too if you're not careful. Have you heard about cold showers? Google the "30 day cold shower challenge"-it's really, really hard, but also amazing. If you can do it, you'll feel like a super hero afterwards.

Finally, I had an almost-relapse yesterday. My trigger: OkCupid (which I consider my "healthy, real relationship account". I wasn't looking for a hookup (at first), but looking at the site made me feel lonely and sad. For what's it's worth, I think I would avoid dating sites (even healthy ones) for awhile, because they can be huge triggers, at least for me.

Good for you for removing triggers. Not easy, but we march forward. 

Rock on!

 

[raoulf]

John, thanks so much for the link, it was helpful for me to really understand the feelings I'm going through right now. Also I love cold showers.  Started doing them back in June and I'm sort of addicted at this point.  I'm not sure how I'll feel about them during Boston's winters but as of right now, they're an awesome start to the day.  Especially after a workout.  I completely understand the okcupid feelings.  Especially for me, okcupid seems to heighten my awareness of being single and lonely.  Also, it's fall, and I find something very romantic about the fall so I always doubly hate being single during the fall.  So I need to make sure to try and not use my loneliness as an excuse to try to hookup or relapse to PMO.

Day 2:

Today was busy but uneventful.  I was grateful for the business because it kept me from thinking too much about porn.  Also studied after class with friends.  I've been trying to up my socializing to help keep me focused on real life connections as much as possible, especially to counteract the loneliness of being single, during my favorite season, and also not having porn as my crutch through it all. 

Did I use porn today?
No

What were your triggers?
I have an separate email account that I used to use for hookups and an old flame messaged me wanting to get together.  I'm still not sure how I feel about randomly hooking up with people, especially this early in the reboot so I told him no.

How did I soothe my anxiety or stress?
Definitely meditation.  I've also been forcing myself to go to bed at a reasonable hour.  This is really hard since I'm generally a night owl, but it's definitely helping me be more focused during the day which I think is helping me fight against the temptation.

What am I grateful for today?
The leaves are starting to change.  It literally seemed to have happened overnight.  Also grateful for the support you guys are giving me on here.  It's nice to have people I can talk to about this and not worry about judgment. 

 

[johngalt75321]

hey Raoulf,

Glad the article helped. I try to read as much as I can, because even though I think I understand this problem, I am still learning new things all the time. And it keeps me focused. ApNtw, I am also scared of wintertime cold showers-it's going to suck, but oh well!!! lol

Regarding the random hookups, Another guy sent me an interesting reddit discussion:

http://www.reddit.com/r/NoFap/comments/2hmuhm/escorts_are_porn/

It basically describes escorts as another type of porn, but I think it completely applies to random hookups as well. When I realized that hookups were just another kind of porn, this compete,y killed my apbrains's ability to rationalize that I should hookup to rewire. BULLSHIT! If it's not a real relationship, then it's just another sad substitute.

And also, considering what a trigger OkCupid is (even though it is a normal dating site), I decided to delete my account and delete any selfies that I would use to make an account. You might want to do this as well, depending on how problamatic it is for you.

Anyway, sounds like you are making awesome progress! And sorry to keep rambling on your journal-for me, it helps me to stay focused if I'm ripunning my mouth to someone else (I hope you don't mind!)!  ;D

Rock on!

 

[raoulf]

John, I wish I had checked your post earlier.  I feel like an idiot because I did just what I swore I wouldn't do and hooked up with a guy I met at a bar after school today.  Now that I read the link you shared I completely agree again with the poster's views.  It just felt forced and fake and I didn't like it at all.  Ironically, I was actually able to perform but he wasn't (claimed he usually needed porn to get hard. Hmm that sounds familiar...).  I ended up telling him about the site, so we may have a new visitor soon.  But after he left I realized, much like the guy in the post and you pointed out, I need to tell my ape brain that sex without an emotional attachment is not worth it.  I'm going back into hard mode (I was actually shocked it worked today, but I'm definitely not counting myself anywhere near healed or over PMO).  Also thank you for posting, trust me I've been enjoying seeing your comments and suggestions, they have been helping in a meaningful way.  Even though today was a relapse .  If only I had checked on here earlier it may have helped dissuade me.

Day 3

I'm resetting the counter, because I am going to consider getting off with a hookup just as worthless as PMO.  I was extremely horny after the gym today and let myself listen to my ape brain and try to find the first person I could to hook up with.  I need to remember in those moments to think of why I'm doing this hard mode and what the end goal is for me (a meaningful relationship).  I am impressed that I was actually able to get an erection, shows things may be moving in the right direction, though I still need to learn how to be more in control of my impulses and desires so I don't pursue something just for the fact that I haven't gotten laid in a while.  Anyway, that's what I'm going to be thinking on tonight.  Making sure I understand the purpose for this reboot and figuring out how I can use that to prevent a relapse again.

Did I use porn today?
No, but I did hook up with a random guy and I'm considering that for me in the same boat because I'm ultimately trying to learn how to curb my ape brain from pursuing anything that moves when it feels horny.  I want real intimacy not fakeness in the flesh.

What were your triggers?
The gym and class today(there are some attractive people who sit next to me).  Also I think the stress of the week was really getting to me.

How did I soothe my anxiety or stress?
Called my mother today and we had a nice conversation.  I need to do that more often.

What am I grateful for today?
This is hard today because I'm beating myself up.  Even though this is related to my screw up, I was able to get an erection without the aid of porn, which has not happened to me in about 6 years.  So if anything I feel like its evidence that the addiction is real and that rebooting is the cure.  In no way do I even want to suggest that I'm cured already, but maybe the reboot process is cumulative and survives relapses.  Since I've been going at this on and off for about 8 months now maybe the cumulative effects are showing up.  I'm not sure, but I did find it encouraging.  Though the next time I get to prove that I'm back to functional again, I want it to be with someone whom I find very special. (Like the guy I've been flirting with endlessly at the law school, I'm hopeful something may come of it)

 

[johngalt75321]

Raoulf, you relapsing piece of garbage!!!

JUST KIDDING!!!!!

I am sorry you had a relapse, but try to keep it in perspective. Yes, you had a random hookup, and that's not good for the reboot. BUT, you didn't use porn. Just like edging for hours is way more unhealthful than just looking at porn and jerking off for 15 min, I tend to think that hooking up is not as bad as porn-because it is with a real person, and not a screen. But again, this perspective cannot be used to rationalize hooking up, because it stems from the same problem-an addiction to dopamine.

I have found that, in my reboot, my craving to hookup has increased exponentially. This is not just due to horniness: often I was not even horny when I sought out a hookup. For me, it was about the excitement, thrill, and danger of a completely random hookup. And it was a huge ego boost, especially because I have always had body image issues. Often,much to my surprise, I would find that I didn't want to follow through with a hookup after finding someone willing.

As you know, the hookup itself is not at all satisfying, and I have often remarked that I can easily get off better alone than with someone else (at the time, I thought this just meant that my partners were just a bad lay). But all of these behaviors: PMO, random hookups, etc. stem from the same problem-your brain is trying to get a dopamine fix. That's it.

Often, I used to whine about being "so horny": BULLSHIT. 99% of the time I would think that, my dick wasn't even close to being hard. And I wasn't even remotely aroused. If you don't have a hardon, and don't feel the physical changes of arousal, you are not horny-you are just hungry for dopamine. And this is a hard (no pun intended) truth.

If you understand this, then handling urges is so much simpler. No longer can you think "man, resisting these natural urges is so hard!"-instead, you can think "go to hell, you crackwhore brain! No dopamine fix for you!" And this thinking applies to temptations to PMO, MO, random hookups, etc They are all ploys to get dopamine.

The good news: the worst part about a relapse is the psychological aspects. Even if you relapsed once a week not that I am encouraging this in any way), you are still making huge progess from PMOing everyday, maybe for hours. And just like a single binge doesn't destroy weeks of weightloss efforts, a single relapse doesn't undue the progress you have made in your reboot. The only real danger is getting discouraged and giving up.

Consider the relapse as a learning experience and move forward. Shame has no utility here. And as a silver lining, at least you know your dick works, so there should be no temptation to "test" it. Just stay the course, and you will make progress.

I hope this helps! And again, DO NOT BEAT YOURSELF UP OVER THIS (or at least stop beating yourself up). You ARE making progress.

 

[raoulf]

Day 6

So it's been a few days since I last posted.  Even though I relapsed on Wednesday, I haven't fallen off the bandwagon, just been super busy with classwork and some social events that they have been having at school.  I've found that it really helps to force myself to go to these events, because I think that's where a lot of the healing happens.  Actually meeting and talking with real people.  There's one guy in particular who I have been crushing on hardcore and it's nice to have a go at flirting and getting to know a person in real life with the main goal not being sex.  I'm not sure whether he's feeling the same way about me but I guess time will tell.  I realize that PMO and hooking up has given me an unrealistic sense of the progression of a relationship.  I think the instantaneous aspect of PMO leads to a sense of impatience in the real world that doesn't provide instant gratification all of the time.  So, I'm learning to be patient and see where it goes from here.

Aside from that, I'm continuing to meditate daily and I think that also has been helping keep me calm and grounded.  I've also, just because of the busyness of life, I've been limited in terms of the amount of online time I've had.  I think that has helped prevent me from relapsing and looking at porn.  I've also noticed, that I've begun to feel more present lately, especially when I'm outside.  I've been noticing things better.  So far its been 6 days without looking at porn and 3 days since my last MO.  The workload is definitely helping to keep my mind off of things.  I'm hoping that continues through this week.

Did I use porn today?
No

What were your triggers?
I found myself looking at pictures of my crush on Facebook which started me thinking about other things.  Seriously, I feel like one of the best reboot strategies may just be to unplug from online as often as possible in the beginning.

How did I soothe my anxiety or stress?
The meditation is definitely helping, focusing on my breathing.

What am I grateful for today?
Honestly I'm happy to be crushing on someone again.  After I broke up with my ex 4 years ago, I feel like it took some time to get over him.  A lot of that led to an increase in my PMO habit, and for the last 4 years no one really triggered much of an interest in me, until I met this guy a few weeks ago.  It's the first time in a while that I really fell hard.  So if anything I don't want to have PMO stand in the way, if there were to actually be chemistry there.  So in a way it's giving me further motivation to stay the course.

 

[fox_hole]

Good to hear your maintaining with this raoulf.

 

[johngalt75321]

Hi Raoulf,

Sounds like you are doing awesome! And that's a really good observation about the hookups leading to unrealistic expectations. After having hookups where you literally go at it with a guy after they walk through the door, the idea of waiting multiple dates is rather foreign (pretty sad when you think about it).

And you're right-patience is so important. Early on, I was literally counting days like a kid waiting for Christmas: "okay. day 5. Am I healed yet?!?" You just have to take a deep breath and get ready for the long haul. And as you already mentioned, be careful of crush gazing (i.e. FaceBook). While he is a real person, his photo is not. Try to "keep it real", literally!  ;D

Cool that you are meditating. I've tried getting into that, but I don't think I have the focus for it (I get bored or fall asleep).

Anyway, sounds like you are making progress! 

 

[raoulf]

Hey quick update from yesterday.  Still keeping strong.  Today was a solid week off of porn and I'm at 4 days since my last MO.  I feel like I'm starting to find my stride.  I made it through the weekend without relapsing.  That's big for me.  I'll write more tonight.

 

[fox_hole]

Good to hear!

 

[raoulf]

And I relapsed again.  This time to PMO.  So frustrated with myself.  I was really excited that today was day 7 which is the furthest I've gotten in awhile and then I came home from school and had been horny all day and talked myself into looking on craigslist and then started edging myself and before I knew it I was looking at porn and came.  It's so disappointing to me because I know I'm better than this.  I have gotten myself to about 30 days in the past but lately it seems like I can barely go more than 7 days.  I am starting over though and committing that this time, I am swearing off porn, edging and MO for the next 90 days.  I'm also recommitting to writing here daily.  I fell off the bandwagon a little bit this week and I think that may have weakened my resolve a bit.  Do any of you have suggestions for what to do when you're feeling really horny or do you know of a link of suggestions.  I mean I'm already going to the gym, meditating, and taking cold showers and it still isn't helping.  Ugh.  Any suggestions would be great.  I promise this time is going to be different.

 

[johngalt75321]

Hey raoulf,

I just had a relapse myself 2 days ago, so I feel your pain! And in almost the same scenario (check out my journal for all the gory details).

For what it's worth, I think what caused my relapse (and maybe yours too) is that I was taking porn-substitutes (hookup apps, craigslist, etc.) too casually. For example, if I downloaded a hookup app and started chatting/browsing, then I didn't consider this a relapse, as long as I didn't intentionally look at dick pics or actually hookup. This is unacceptable.

So I have decided to consider the very act of downloading a hookup app, or going to craigslist, etc. a relapse, even if I don't do anything. This makes it very cut anc dry that this behavior is not okay, and it reduces the urge to 'just peek, or cheat a little" This makes it an all or nothing thing, which helps avoid the lies your brain will tell you.

Anyway, I hope this helps. Sorry about the relapse, but it's great that your getting back on track!

 

[raoulf]

Hey John. Thanks for the support. Yeah I definitely feel like the hookup apps are a major contribution.  It's just so tempting to visit them when I'm really horny and then before I know it I'm edging and then bang PMO.  I think you're 100% correct I've deleted the apps off my phone and if I download them again I'm considering it a relapse.

So today was my first day back on the bandwagon.  It was rough. Definitely had the chaser effect today. My mood was all over the  place.  One minute I was pissed the next minute I wanted to cry.  It evened out around 6pm which is about 24 hours since I relapsed.  I'm really glad I have a friend visiting this weekend because she's staying in my studio apartment so I know there's no way I'll be tempted to PMO for the next few days.  Still can't shake the disappointment over my relapse. Hoping that fades soon.  Well here's to a more stable day tomorrow.

 

[johngalt75321]

Hi raoulf,

It really is tempting to download the apps-deleting them only helps so much, because it's so easy to redownload. By any chance have you deleted photos that you use to the apps (you know what kind of photos I'm talking about-the kind of photos that make you not share your phone with other people  ;D ) If not, you should immediately--these photos are more of a pain to re-create, and will make it harder to pursue random hookups.

Glad to hear your shoft in mindset-considering the very act of downloading those kinds of apps, makes it much clearer to know what you shouldn't do. Such proactive steps suggest that you really are serious about this!

Sorry about the chaser; it is a mother fucker! Try to remember how bad it feels-it will help when you are tempted later on. And try to stop being angry/disappointed about the relapse. Only people who don't try never fail. And remember, even if you only make it 3 days without a relapse (so that you are PMOing twice a week), that's still way better than where you were (presumably PMOing everyday). That's not an excuse to relapse, but it should help you realize that YOU ARE MAKING PROGRESS! 

Rock on!

 

[raoulf]

This is hard.  So took a break from the site and relapsed for the last week.  Pretty much looked at porn everyday and edged and multiple orgasms most days.  It seems the more I try the more that I fall and fall hard.  So I think I'm going to take a different approach.  I reset my counter today and I'm not going to look at it.  I'm going to try to forget as much as possible that I'm trying to reboot.  I think that in thinking about rebooting and how much progress I'm making I may actually be aggravating the situation.  So that's my goal.  I'm going to try and keep my mind as busy and engaged in other things as possible.  In doing this I'm going to check in here about twice a week.  That way I can keep myself connected with a support community but at the same time avoid obsessing about how I'm doing which again I think for me triggers my desire to PMO.  We'll see how that works.  Wish me luck.  I'm hoping this change helps break the routine of relapsing that I've been experiencing.  Here's to hopefully a strong new start.