What do I do?

[The Wife]

Hello everybody,
I am so glad my husband found this sight. I don't even know where to start. I am 29 years old. My husband and I have been married over ten years and have six children. We had a good marriage. There were rough times but there is in every relationship. I have been overweight my whole life and up until I got married this had never bothered me. Once I got married and my husband seemed to not want me and seemed to lose interest in me it was really hard. He was the only man that I have ever been with and I didn't even kiss anyone until we were married. I recently found out that he had been watching porn way before we were even married and then had stopped for a couple years before we got married and then for some unknown reason (I can only conclude it was me) he started again. He has been watching it for most of our married life and I can't believe I never knew. He had thoughts of suicide and has actually attempted it before. (which I didn't know until recently either) I am not very pretty and I am overweight and the girls he watches I could never compare to, not even close. I knew something was wrong because he always seemed to be hiding something. He would shut his computer when I came near and he was up a lot of nights and there were just things that didn't feel right. I did find a video on his search before but didn't think much of it. I figured it was just a pop up or a one time thing. Every time I accused him of hiding something or acted like I didn't trust him at all he would get mad at me and make me feel horrible for even questioning him. There is a lot more to the story but I guess my question is.... how do I get over this? I find myself getting angry sometimes because all of this time he made me feel horrible for questioning him. I can't talk to him about it because if I do he just says that I will never forgive him for it and he just has to come to that realization and that makes me feel horrible because I have forgiven him. Just because I remember what he did it does not mean that I haven't forgiven him for doing it. This was heartbreaking for me and I can't understand why he can't see that and why I have to feel like I am not allowed to bring it up or talk about it. He got to have a therapist help him but I am just supposed to get over it and move on.

Also we are doing the reboot and I have some questions about it. I know he is supposed to stay away from all artificial stimulation. I am not artificial stimulation but he says that we have to not kiss or do anything more than hug during that time. It is so hard for me to be going through this and not be able to have that comfort and love from him. Does it really require us staying pretty much completely away? If it does then that is what I want to do. I want him to get better and I want to be able to get past this but I am just wondering why being with me is the same as looking at porn? Isn't it a completely different part of the brain that each of those affect?

How do I raise my self esteem? I have read the posts about doing things for yourself and getting ready and looking pretty. How do I do those things when I don't feel like getting out of bed and when I feel like no matter what I did I could never be pretty. Like I said I am overweight, not very attractive and feel like I have no reason to care anymore. If I was worth anything how could he hide this from me for so long?

 

[thimbuk2]

Hi TW,
So very sorry about the shock and hurt this is causing you. I'm sure the ladies can share their side of the story and there is something there that helps you. In the mean time, be sure to check out "Your brain on porn"

http://yourbrainonporn.com/

Great info here. Suggestions on rebooting, etc.
Everyone is different, so a reboot will be different for everyone.

Be sure to check out this video too, it's long but well worth it

http://yourbrainonporn.com/erectile-dysfunction-and-porn

Now to the nitty gritty. I think for me I would want to see what that person is demonstrating to me, not just words, but actions. If someone says they are going to change, and be a better this or that, then at some point there ought to be evidence this change has occurred. But that's me.


The idea of the reboot is not to engage in false imagery or fantasy that is not with a real partner. I'm not an expert by any means on the reboot, as I am really new to this too. I understand that having some time away for the brain to heal, may be needed, but like I mentioned everyone is different. You may find clarity in the two links above. You will most definitely find support from the ladies on here for sure.

 

[sender]

I think you will find the info here useful: http://reuniting.info.  I found that site at the beginning of my reboot. 

You don't have to give up physical contact or even sex during the reboot, but most guys find that avoiding orgasm for a while helps a lot.  That's what Karezza is about (see that site above).  Have a look at some of the personal accounts there.  See if any ring true for you.  Check out the Karezza Korner - lots of questions and answers.  Karezza is actually a lovely way of being together, and my wife and I have decided to continue that practice well after my reboot was completed. 

While his brain is healing, he needs to avoid all porn and porn fantasy; that's the main thing.  So at least for a while, you two should avoid engaging in any activities that remind him of porn and porn fantasy (so like, maybe avoid favorite positions, no role playing, no special dress-up, etc).