Trying to choke out this part of me, Robs Reboot Journal

[Rob_91]

Day 9 Since last PMO

Hello! Starting this journal to document my reboot and recovery Journey from an addiction i never realized i had.
Some info about who I am;
I'm 29 years old, to be 30 this year, hence posting in the 30+ section.
Living in Sweden, working as a mechanical engineer from home most of my working days.
Got a wonderful girlfriend who is actually the one that brought the problems with porn to light for me, and told me that it needed to go for us to be together (that happened the summer of 2020). Before that I just thought of PMO as something almost all men do and not that much of a problem. First remembrance of being exposed to porn that I have is from sometime before the age of 10, finding magazines in some bushes around my neighborhood. Also remember finding a vhs-recording in my home that had (i guess) accidentally recorded a porn movie because it recorded overnight. This tape was, i guess, my first "available on demand" porn. My internet porn consumption have consisted of PMO a couple of times a day restricted to a couple of days a week, a bit more when not in a relationship. I've been in different relationships most of my adult life, the longest relationship lasted 7 years and ended a little over a year ago. I've no problems getting hard and having sex with real-life partners, problems i feel are instead a fixation on sex leading to Orgasm and having a hard time to just appreciate intimacy with my partner. I also feel that the kind of sex that turns me on is too much inspired by the things I've watched in porn. This is something that i feel have gotten a lot better since I started my reboot and recovery Journey.

Started my reboot attempt last summer about 6+ months ago, and also brought a close friend with me so that we could be each others accountability partners. As mentioned relapsed fully 9 days ago, relapse made me regretful but also made me realize that this was harder for me than i imagined. This time I'm bringing my girlfriend with me on this, before she kind of did not want anything to do with this part of me, which made me feel like i could not talk to her about it and that she would leave if i did not manage to get rid of this habit. This will be different this time i hope. I've also decided to do hard mode for at least 8 weeks.

So here we go, the last 9 days have been kind of simple porn-wise, any urge to PMO have just been a flick in my mind and then gone. I have instead been on a real emotional rollercoaster with my girlfriend and almost ended up leaving her (Partly connected to my realization about my problem). I have some problems with beeing in relationships and expressing feelings and needs that may be, may be partly or may not be connected to my porn addiction. Seeing a psychiatrist regularly to try and figure that out. Would appreciate some thought from you guys about this.
Got rid of most social media platforms and realized since my last relapse that p-subs is a thing that kept me in the habit real bad. Seeing an attractive girl on a screen gives me anxiety now, as i do not want to be triggered.

I'll leave it here for now, here goes nothing     

 

[Rob_91]

Day 10

Seems i've got some withdrawal creeping up on me, been super busy emotionally and work wise last weeks so i've been kind of too occupied to reflect on my mood.
Today i've been feeling really down and anxious, been hard to motivate myself to socialize. Luckily i've had no choice but to be social since i had made some plans to hang out and help my family.
Been hard since my mind have been screaming at me to hide away, got to remember though, that i am not my mind and i am not my thoughts. They can both be opposed, takes a bit of willpower though.
Picked up some questions from a ted talk today that you can ask yourself about your own thoughts; Are they useful? How do they behave?

Best of luck on your own endeavor.
/Rob

 

[Rob_91]

Day 11

Feeling better again! Had a blast gaming last night and got sleep and cuddle with my girlfriend. Today i've got som quality time wrenching on an old tractor planned with some friends, feels good
We're starting to get our daylight back as well, it always helps the mood to finally be out of the dark couple of months here in Sweden.
If any of you guys are into pc-gaming feel free to hit me up, we can hate porn and play games together  ;D

Peace!!

 

[Rob_91]

Day 12

Work sucks right now, brain is screaming that it is time to ejaculate, dreams are wierd. Kind of makes me laugh though  ;D
Worked out some which made it all easier, been outside soaking in some sunlight, also helps.
Another day another dollar

Peace!

 

[TheHeartacheKid]

Hey Rob,

Glad you're here posting, it truly does help so many of us.  I'm happy to see that your gf is being more supportive this time around, I'm single myself, but everything I've read on here, sharing this with an SO can really deepen your bond.

I get the seeing an attractive girl and feeling bad because it can be a trigger.  But you can't help attraction, you will notice when you see someone attractive, but eventually we learn to just appreciate that beauty and not turn it into fantasy.  So don't beat yourself up on that one.  I feel so guilty any time I'm attracted to someone right now, so I really get it.

The emotional issues you describe in particular about having trouble opening up to people and that being tied to the addiction?  Absolutely tied to it.  P is an escape if nothing else, and it's so much easier to escape than it is to talk about how we feel, because those are not the easiest conversations.  P may not be what caused you to have trouble expressing yourself initially, but once it became an addiction, it has been fueling that issue for you ever since.  Exacerbating it.  Once you deny yourself the escape, it'll be easier to open up again (especially given the work you're doing with your doctor).

Sounds like you're doing well the last few days, so I hope that keeps up!  I look forward to hearing more from you.  Stay strong!

 

[Rob_91]

Day 15

Thanks for the kind words and support Theheartachekid, appreciate that!

Been a bit down last couple of days, combating a lot of porn related thoughts, having some weird dreams. Also caught a weird fever over the day and then just gone, felt sick which always tend to shove my mood to shit. Still staying of social media 99% of the time which i feel is really helping to avoid triggers.
Feeling pretty determined to beat this and been really aware of my mood and thoughts and meditating and working out every day, whenever i feel a slight urge i just kind of accept it and let it go or get myself distracted.

Peace!

 

[universe1]

Hello Rob,

Thanks for sharing your story. I can relate to your story in a lot of ways, i.e. impact of my porn use on my relationships and emotional intimacy, finding the light in terms of how porn use has impacted overall mental health. its staggering to me how blind I was to what my porn use was causing me in terms of mental

Something I have found that triggers me is work/life stress, like your latest posts. I feel like the instability of a stressful situation puts your brain on tilt and the dopamine high is a quick fix to make it all go away.  Something I learned from therapy was to not blame the existence of porn for my failure to create strong boundaries around it. the issue begins and ends with my relationship to porn-- if you can start to change your outlook and relationship with this powerful stimulus, then you can begin to enact postivie change in the areas of your life that have been negatively impacted by the isolation and emotional damage from years of porn use.

My problem is that the dopamine rush is so high and prolonged it starts to  create problems of its own. I have been trying to associate a true and honest assessment of my previous porn use and its negative impact with my inclination to use porn. its so difficult, but if you bring the thoughts to their ultimate conclusion and you think about what it is going to do to you and your recovery it helps to curb the appetite and drives you to find a positive outlet for change in your life.

When we follow through on the thoughts and actions that bring us to porn we give the addiction strength. There is always an opportunity to turn back and make it right. Do something else to replace the negative behaviors and project a version of you that you want to see in the world.

Best of luck!
M

 

[Rob_91]

Day 17

Currently in a positive state of mind and feeling happy overall, spending some time with my GF this weekend and it is getting really hard to resist having sex, i find her more attractive than almost ever before right now which feels very good in most ways. Although i know it is sound to feel horny and wanting to have sex with my SO, there is something with it that triggers my mind in the same way porn does, and it makes me think about different scenes from porn that i have watched. I guess this would be my brain being somewhat unable to separate sex/intimacy with a real person from watching porn, my brain just goes straight to craving an orgasm and not appreciating the intimacy. I would love some thoughts and insights from you guys on this.

Posted by: universe1
Hello Rob,

Thanks for sharing your story. I can relate to your story in a lot of ways, i.e. impact of my porn use on my relationships and emotional intimacy, finding the light in terms of how porn use has impacted overall mental health. its staggering to me how blind I was to what my porn use was causing me in terms of mental......

Thank you for your response and insights, i really appreciate it. Best of luck to you as well
/Rob

 

[Emptyroom]

Hi Rob,
I have read all your posts! I'm also in Sweden. 27 years old. I was PMO-free for more than a year and then I went back to P. Yeah, I can relate to your latest post. The brain needs to relearn what sex is. It will happen but it takes a while and needs practice. When you watch P all your life your brain think that sex is mainly about what you see with your eyes and stimulating the genitals to ejaculation but it's really more about human touch-sensation and smell and being close and pleasing and getting feedback from each other so the brain expects all the wrong things and is disappointed when you have real sex. But your brain will start to relearn relatively fast. It took some months for me before I could get hard and ejaculate with my (now ex) girlfriend (you don't have to ejaculate every time as a man to have good sex, most women usually doesn't orgasm every time) and I had to endure a lot of bad sex before it actually started to feel good. But it really is worth it. When you get used to real sex without the influence of P, it really is a LOT better. And it makes the connection between you and your partner stronger. the other person doesn't just become tool for penile stimulation. My best tip during the process is to never think about P during sex as a strategy to get hard if it doesn't work! Just abort in that case and snuggle and try again some other time.

Good luck to you on your journey! You have a lot to look forward to!
Feel free to write to me in Swedish or English if you want to! Here is my journal:

http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=19786.0

Have a good day!

/J

 

[Rob_91]

Day 19

My mind is currently in a very awesome place, i feel motivated in pursuing my goals and projects, i feel that, for the first time ever, i draw energy out of socializing with other people. This is huge for me, since i've mostly considered myself an introvert. I also feel a lot of love towards the amazing people in my life.
This morning as Me and my GF snuggled and both where feeling horny I realized i could shift focus from thinking about the feeling in my dick and what i would like to do with it, into thinking and focusing more about our contact and the feeling of our hands on each others body. I feel this was a really good practice for me (and her).

Posted by: Emptyroom
Hi Rob,
I have read all your posts! I'm also in Sweden. 27 years old......

Hi Emptyroom, thank you for your words, insight, and encouragement. Good to meet a fellow countryman on here struggling with the same crap    I'll make sure to read your story and leave a note sometime soon!
Lycka till!
/Rob

 

[Rob_91]

Day 23

Still going strong, no PMO and no O at all for 23 days, probably the longest i've gone without O since my teens.
Mindset is mostly positive or at least indifferent. Thoughts of porn is popping up a couple of times a day but i'm staying away from triggers and what little time i spend on social media i've made sure to mark everything even remotely triggering as "not interested" which really cleans up my feed from triggers. Not watching any movies or series at all, only playing some games.

I've got a question about triggers to those of you who have been doing this for a while, will the triggers fade in time and be less triggering?
Right now i feel like everytime a picture of someone who i might find attractive pops up on a computer screen, i feel a bit triggered.

Have a nice weekend!
/Rob

 

[Robert7M]

Hello, yes declenchers will estomp just a little. I mean more you are clean from PMO, more your organism will recuperate, and your declenchers will return to normal position, because when we have PMO next to use, declenchers are more strength.

But they won't became none-declenchers. They still be declenchers, but no more that they was when you was watching regularly PMO.

So you must just pay attention with them to do not relapse, to make some limits, to change bad habitudes by goods one.
You must use techniques that can help you to succeed, they are so many. You can read them in the stories from who succeed, and other's journal form having an idea what are declenchers, how to fight against them.
I advice you also to visit www.yourbrainonporn.com, there are many informations that can help you also !

Salutations !

 

[Rob_91]

Day 29

Still going! Feeling pretty good all in all, some situations where i got triggered and got a bit anxious last night from simply watching a tv program with an attractive woman in it.
I don't feel that it gave me a craving but it starts my brain up thinking about sex and porn. Got a particular scene from a porn flick i've watched that keeps popping up. Want it rid of, should try the Red X Method perhaps. Also monday was the worst day in a while, got angry over work stuff, forgot to eat and just went furious pretty much. No real urge to watch P during the day though.
Will avoid as much screen time as i can outside of work going forward.
Got a huge craving for sex with my gf by now, which is a challenge in itself to abstain from. Although a good craving I will abstain from it for the time i have planned.

Posted by: Robert7M
Hello, yes declenchers will estomp just a little. I mean more you are clean from PMO, more your organism will recuperate, and your declenchers will return to normal position, because when we have PMO next to use, declenchers are more strength....

Thank you for your words Robert! I've just got the book YBOP and have almost finished it, very interesting and good information!

Peace!
/Rob

 

[Rob_91]

Day 37

Reelin' in the days one by one 
Feeling very stable mood vise lately, Thoughts of porn are more and more scarce, had some thought this morning which was the first in a while. When they arise i imagine the thought/pictures exploding and they usually go away  . Have also been reading an interesting book called Cupid's Posioned Arrow, Provides an interesting  new view on orgasms and how to make love.
Striving for daily meditation, exercise and constructive activity, minimal screen time outside of work and communication. No Series, no movies and no video games lately either.
Seems to work for me. 

 

[Rob_91]

Day 41

Soo, broke up with gf, a bit rattled but feeling mostly as if i've at long last followed my gut feeling about our relationship since it started getting serious. Felt this way about leaving my previous relationship that lasted seven years as well. There is also a part of me feeling like I'm incapable of loving someone enough, i just seem to dig a hole of doubt regarding my feelings for my partner when in a relationship. Last two relationship have followed the same pattern, or maybe all of my sexual relationships when i think about it. In this latest relationship i feel like intercourse was the glue that kept me wanting to be with the person (our sex was quite porn inspired i believe), and when i removed this from the relationship due to my reboot, nothing really remained past friendly feelings. The end of this relationship will hopefully transpire in to a beautiful friendship, and it has somehow left me craving for deep connection and intimacy. In a way i'm not really familiar with. I'm really looking forward to find someone i'm more compatible with and that makes me feel in love for real. Gonna take my time though, said this to myself the last time i was single as well, Been in relationships most my adult life, i need to fuckin chill, we'll see how that goes 

Reboot wise, I'm feeling damn good, thoughts on porn is getting scarce and real easy to shut down. A big difference for me is what i also mentioned a bit above, I want something more than sex now, I'm yearning for deep connection as opposed to just wanting to have sex. This feels great and makes me feel more human than ever.

Peace!