My very necessary Reboot Log

[aiminghigher]

Thanks for your response CrazyGopher.
And you're right, I feel very frustrated with myself. And desperate.
Thanks also for taking the time to just relate to me for a moment without trying to give advice. Somehow that means a lot.
Maybe it's OK for now to just be fed up with ourselves an realising that we are struggling.

Something that gets me trying again after a while is that same frustration. I hope one day it'll be so strong that giving up PMO for good becomes a no-brainer. For now however, that seems like an unrealistic dream.

But still, I truly hope that everyone of us will find their way to freedom.

 

[aiminghigher]

Day 2 again:

My commitment to myself today:
PMOing has robbed me of motivation and energy to do even the things I urgently need to attend to. Today I want that to be different.

If or when cravings arise today, I will:
do 50 sit ups and take a cold shower.

Thought log:
Yesterday was horrible. I felt drained, sick and very sad. Today is a bit better.
I'm here to just keep at it.

 

[daws]

Here is what I have done. Same when I stopped smoking. Don't sulk about or question your decision to quit. It does nothing for you.... Nothing my friend. Think of how everything in your life is far more enjoyable with the extra energy and mental capacity. Even the bad times will be easier to handle when your not hooked on dopamine's;

 

[lpx]

Hey man, I was wondering, how have your last days been?
I hope you're handling the urges well... Good luck!!

 

[aiminghigher]

Thanks for the support guys.
I'm still here, not giving up.
The last couple of days have been really tough. And I'm still fighting urges almost constantly.

 

[aiminghigher]

Since my last relapse I managed 6 days without PMO. I was pretty down back then. Very disappointed in myself for failing all the time. But I did find a silver lining: I've been at this for a while now. I've had numerous relapses. And for the first time I experienced that they can play a positive role in rebooting: I walked away from a serious urge because this time I was able to stay aware of the misery relapsing can bring.
Nice.

 

[aiminghigher]

Work is crazy right now, which - for the past two weeks or so - got me less occupied with getting away from pmo addiction.
This was an interesting experience.
As I've read before, but up till now never have been able to see for myself, not having a minute in the day left to be distracted by cravings, has it's advantages. I have to admit that I may have been a little too focussed on overcoming this addiction, and not nearly enough on all that other stuff that life can be about.
So this was good.

On the other hand, cravings will invariably arise. And when there isn't even the time to recognise them, they will overpower you. That's what happened to me a few times anyway.

This got me thinking I shouldn't take my reboot so serious. Or at least not the seemingly inevitable failures and relapses.
I look at my counter and dammit, last year it would have been red numbers everywhere.
Sure I wish I could achieve a perfect track record. But for now, this is a huge step forward.
I hope I can remember this from time to time.
I can be very harsh with myself. And it isn't necessary. Not even close.

 

[aiminghigher]

I started over. 
And it feels a little different this time.
I took the advice (don't remember where I read it) to track progress in an excel sheet also and do some number crunching. This helped tremendously to put my efforts into perspective.
On some level I knew I wasn't doing all that bad, even though I relapsed plenty. But actually seeing the real numbers helped me, much like they do in businesses I guess.
This is the result: Of the 109 days I've been at this, I relapsed on just 22 days. That's 87 without PMO. That's 80%!
I can't believe I've been depressed over this!
Compare that with the pattern before I started. I binged every day for the past 20+ years...
The forum counter goes a long way already, but being able to exactly choose what I want to see still made some difference.
I made a nice chart and also track some other things like single relapse or binge, fantasizing or looking at porn, edging,...
Seeing these numbers over time somehow makes me more relaxed, a lot less anxious to succeed at this.
It shifted my thinking about how I can overcome this, because it shows a continuous effort and not just a black and white win it all or lose miserably.

 

[Needs Coffee]

Congrats on your progress!
I'm very new here and have just started my journal. After reading your journal, I'm glad to see that your most recent post is much more positive. It's rather painful to hear you discouraged about your relapses when you've actually made a lot of progress and continue to show the determination to improve.

 

[aiminghigher]

I started taking this seriously in February 2014. We're nearing the end of September and I'm still in a continuous relapse loop.
I wanted to write about it a bit for myself. But also to let the rest of you know that not everyone succeeds at this right away and perhaps not even after trying numerous times.
Looking back to where I started and what I wrote in the beginning, I can see I didn't lack motivation. Motivation was needed to make the decision, and to not immediately give up. But for all the motivation in the world, I have not managed to go longer than 16 days without PMO.

So maybe what I lack is enough willpower?
For months I hated the fact I was relapsing every 3 to 4 days. It is infuriatingly frustrating to watch my desire for PMO build up to a point where I just don?t care anymore. Or at least that?s the crap my mind keeps serving me. And up till now, I always surrender to it. At that point I came to know I?m no longer capable of seeing why the hell I would say no to something I so obviously desire. All the knowledge I gathered about the process of addiction, about what is happening in my brain at that moment, it all becomes irrelevant.
Just long enough for me to relapse and then everything comes crashing back into the correct perspective. I know again why I want to be able to live a life where the only time I want to sit around without pants on for hours, is when there is a real girl present. I remember what immense changes do happen after even a mere 10 days of abstaining.

I used to hate myself for this. Now I just sigh and pick myself up again.
I try to focus on the progress, on the days I do manage to go without PMO.
Mentally I know that going a few days without and then relapsing, is so much better than just happily PMO-ing away every single day.
But I?m sad to say that it doesn?t feel like progress. I?m stressed, sad, irritated, and frustrated a lot.

I know I?m not giving up. I?m ?cheerfully? plowing on.
But I have no clue whatsoever as to how I can quit PMO, how I will ever be able to withstand the craving?

 

[lpx]

Hey... I'm sad to see what's going on with you too.


I was able to go clean for multiple months, but an unstable period flipped everything over. I was very happy with my life, but sudden changes, good and bad things - it was just too much and I relapsed. Just once I thought, and it went on for several weeks. Now full ED, all the junk, depression. It's been three weeks now that I'm clean, but man I am frightened. This beast is stronger than what I would have ever expected.


I am very tired of these ons and offs. I am thinking of taking professional help, like a therapist/specialist to meet multiple times per week. What do you think, would you consider this option?


Somewhere long ago I heard of a recovery camp, for addicts, with continuous surveillance for multiple months, although it sounded very expensive. I am so angry at myself that I am considering such brute force approaches now...


I wish you all the best, and strength above all.

 

[Mechanic10]

LPX
I don't think any of the options that you mentioned are bad.

A professional therapist dealing with addiction may provide you with the insight you need, I would certainly consider it.  Fortunately I have a couple APs to help me through this, so I am going winging along with them.

I like to compare this PMO addiction to smoking.  They say that if you try one thing to quit you have a x% chance of succeeding, but he more things you try the better your chance of success.

And yes, this is a very formidable beast.  I am on day 27 and I am as miserable today as I have been at any time during the reboot.  All I can wonder is what will I ever have to look forward to?  I don't want to do anything, and I am not looking forward to anything. 

Try anything you can, dude.

Mechanic

 

[aiminghigher]

@lpx:

I was able to go clean for multiple months, but an unstable period flipped everything over. I was very happy with my life, but sudden changes, good and bad things - it was just too much and I relapsed. Just once I thought, and it went on for several weeks. Now full ED, all the junk, depression. It's been three weeks now that I'm clean, but man I am frightened.

I've never lasted for as long as you have. But the symptoms after every relapse are the same.
I'm working on being more forgiving with myself. Looking at relapses more as just a simple mistake I should learn from instead of getting depressed.
But I'm still missing something, since being more forgiving up till now just results in more relapses.

This beast is stronger than what I would have ever expected.

Definitely. Damn it!
I'm starting to suspect that I personally made the beast that much more dangerous because I don't really believe I have control over my own actions when it comes to pmo. It's probably the result of years of me giving myself excuses to indulge and to cope with the guilt afterwords.
But if I ever want to get rid of it, I'm more and more certain that I'll have to convince myself again of my choice potential. Even under very difficult conditions.
No clue how to achieve that, however...

I am very tired of these ons and offs. I am thinking of taking professional help, like a therapist/specialist to meet multiple times per week. What do you think, would you consider this option?

I'm currently contemplating the same option. I recently went to a urologist who gave me a couple of addresses for therapy. 
Haven't decided yet whether I'll follow up on that or not.
The reason being pride and arrogance I think. "How can they possibly know something I haven't thought of by now, etc..." Whenever I detect this in me, I'm very surprised but it's definitely there whenever I'm thinking of getting professional help.
Money is also a big issue.

But in the end, It's me (and you and everyone here) who has to do this alone any way. With or without support.
As I've mentioned before, I try to learn from mistakes. More often than not I have no idea what I could possibly learn from yet another relapse. But I keep at it. And it starts to show promise. I'm less depressed because my focus is more often on something positive.
If you think about it, dwelling on the past (even the very recent past) has no meaningful purpose at all. We should only take away the lesson and move on.
This is so self-evident. And I'm sure you've heard and read it many times before. But it's astonishingly difficult to implement.
Yet that's what I'm trying to do, and it pays off.

Keep on trucking!

 

[aiminghigher]

I read something interesting.
The image this gives, is pretty strong. Hopefully this helps some of you.

So here goes: seminal fluid contains nutrients that the brain also needs to function properly. So with every ejaculation, you throw away vital supplies the brain also competes for.
Here's a quote from the article that really struck me:
?When the average male ejaculates, he loses about one tablespoon of semen. According to scientific research, the nutritional value of this amount of semen is equal to that of two pieces of New York steak, ten eggs, six oranges, and two lemons combined. That includes proteins, vitamins, minerals, amino acids, everything? Ejaculation is often called ?coming?. The precise word for it should be ?going,? because everything ? the erection, vital energy, millions of live sperm, hormones, nutrients, even a little of the man?s personality goes away. It is a great sacrifice for the man, spirituality, mentally, and physically.?

Maybe you don't care for the spiritual aspect they're talking about. Then ignore it.
I haven't checked where they get their scientific evidence from. But I don't really care.
This image of 2 steaks, 10 eggs... is helping me tremendously.
I'm not free from PMO yet. In fact I just relapsed today. But it had been 6 days. Something I was unable to achieve for a very long time.
Maybe It'll do something similar for you!!

 

[aiminghigher]

Despite everything I know about the adverse consequences of porn use, I'm still doing it.
Still tired of it.
Still sick of it.
Still that dreadful feeling of having no control over something that should obviously be mine to control.

But I'm here.
Giving it another go

 

[aiminghigher]

Second day.
Yesterday was easy. As I've experienced so many times before.
Being fed up is a good and strong motivator.

Today is already very different.
I feel a little more rested.
Desire is building up again. But I'm not at the point yet where it is stronger than my being fed up with relapsing and everything that entails.
I'm anxiously looking to the day that I start feeling really a lot better, stronger, more alive and happy. That's usually when I start wondering why again this PMO thing is so bad?

Just hoping that this time around  I've had enough of the misery to actually remember it when the urges get ridiculous.

See you tomorrow.

 

[aiminghigher]

Third day is almost over.
I feel my mind reaching. I've been starving it for a mere 3 days, but I'm already being reminded very frequently that it doesn't like this.

 

[Mechanic10]

Good keep it up. 

Try to make a goal of going one week (7 days).

That means through an entire weekend, through a Monday, through any day that you may fall off the wagon.
If you get through the week, treat your self to something small but nice.  Like a Hershey bar or a BBQ chicken (eat the whole thing).

Those first few days are very hard.

Good luck,

Mech.

 

[aiminghigher]

@Mechanic:
Thanks! Since I haven't been able to go without relapsing every few days, maybe it's time to set a more feasible goal like you suggested.

A few months ago I started going to a therapist. So far the approach she suggested was interesting but not really working for me. Not sure if I'll continue.
However, I'd like to get a better understanding of my mood. Regularly posting here would be a way, but I haven't got the time. Plus it would be a lot of work tracing how I feel over a number of days/weeks. So I'm searching for a good android mood tracker right now.