Hey everyone, I'm Henrique, I'm 19 and come from a small country in Europe called Portugal. My journey with porn goes back a long way but I will try to keep it short (and readable haha).
Ever since I was little, I always had a lot of freedom when it came to computer and internet use. My parents never really monitored what I did there, because they've always trusted me and gave me plenty of privacy. Unfortunately, a kid using the internet without knowing what's hidden there is quite dangerous. I was exposed to porn really early in my life, around 10 years old I think, while innocently browsing the internet. It looked like something I was not supposed to do, but it gave me such a rush I didn't get anywhere else in my life (I was a shy kid, with not that many friends). Eventually I started feeling bad about it but it was already too late: porn was the starting point for my sexuality and what helped me come to terms with my homosexuality; I was addicted. For some time I tried really hard to quit, but I was too young and didn't really know what was happening in my brain. In my late teens, things became different, I just accepted that porn was normal to watch as a teen and that everyone watched it, it was normal. For some time, although oblivious, I was okay with the presence of porn in my life.
Everything changed about a year and a half ago when a friend I made on Instagram started flirting with me and sending me provocative photos. At first I just didn't care much about it and wasn't even attracted to him but one day he sent me a nude photo and I was hooked. The feeling of someone really wanting me sexually, and wanting to show their body to me, it was 1000x more enticing than porn. He was there, talking to me, only me. I sent him photos too and in the glimpse of an eye we were masturbating together online. It all escalated so quickly, it felt so good, so different from all I had experienced sexually before. I had never had a boyfriend before that and almost no sexual experience.
I obviously felt really guilty after that, and just wanted to forget it and him. But boy did I not know what was coming. Some months after, I came across some subreddits where you could meet people for sexting. That mixed with COVID and quarantine was the worst thing possible. I met people just to masturbate, feel guilty and then ghost them. Then weeks later I went back to that, like a cycle, all while still PMO'ing regularly. In the summer I went through a fleeting relationship that put a halt to the sexting but the harsh break-up that followed just worsened it.
In March I decided I had to stop. I was not feeling like myself anymore, I was not that. I read through Your Brain On Porn, lots of videos and success stories and felt so motivated. For that month I didn't sext and neither did I PMO for 2 weeks. But I relapsed with porn and it was like going to the start. A week later I was back at sexting, worse than ever before.
These last few weeks I've been so busy with college but I still relapse after a week or even less. And what's interesting is I haven't watched porn since, but I come back to sexting so easily.
I've been wasting my time, my potential, my dreams. I feel disconnected from my friends, my family, the things I love to do. These days I've either been relapsing or dealing with the things I didn't do because I was sexting. Completely out of touch with myself, my body, now that I've shared it with so many people, without really knowing who they were.
But I can't change the past, what I've done or what has been done to me. I can, however, change the future, the plans I have for me, a beautiful human being who deserves to feel in control of his life. Just as you do.
I'm starting over here, with this jounal, but never giving up. Stay strong!
Ever since I was little, I always had a lot of freedom when it came to computer and internet use. My parents never really monitored what I did there, because they've always trusted me and gave me plenty of privacy. Unfortunately, a kid using the internet without knowing what's hidden there is quite dangerous. I was exposed to porn really early in my life, around 10 years old I think, while innocently browsing the internet. It looked like something I was not supposed to do, but it gave me such a rush I didn't get anywhere else in my life (I was a shy kid, with not that many friends). Eventually I started feeling bad about it but it was already too late: porn was the starting point for my sexuality and what helped me come to terms with my homosexuality; I was addicted. For some time I tried really hard to quit, but I was too young and didn't really know what was happening in my brain. In my late teens, things became different, I just accepted that porn was normal to watch as a teen and that everyone watched it, it was normal. For some time, although oblivious, I was okay with the presence of porn in my life.
Everything changed about a year and a half ago when a friend I made on Instagram started flirting with me and sending me provocative photos. At first I just didn't care much about it and wasn't even attracted to him but one day he sent me a nude photo and I was hooked. The feeling of someone really wanting me sexually, and wanting to show their body to me, it was 1000x more enticing than porn. He was there, talking to me, only me. I sent him photos too and in the glimpse of an eye we were masturbating together online. It all escalated so quickly, it felt so good, so different from all I had experienced sexually before. I had never had a boyfriend before that and almost no sexual experience.
I obviously felt really guilty after that, and just wanted to forget it and him. But boy did I not know what was coming. Some months after, I came across some subreddits where you could meet people for sexting. That mixed with COVID and quarantine was the worst thing possible. I met people just to masturbate, feel guilty and then ghost them. Then weeks later I went back to that, like a cycle, all while still PMO'ing regularly. In the summer I went through a fleeting relationship that put a halt to the sexting but the harsh break-up that followed just worsened it.
In March I decided I had to stop. I was not feeling like myself anymore, I was not that. I read through Your Brain On Porn, lots of videos and success stories and felt so motivated. For that month I didn't sext and neither did I PMO for 2 weeks. But I relapsed with porn and it was like going to the start. A week later I was back at sexting, worse than ever before.
These last few weeks I've been so busy with college but I still relapse after a week or even less. And what's interesting is I haven't watched porn since, but I come back to sexting so easily.
I've been wasting my time, my potential, my dreams. I feel disconnected from my friends, my family, the things I love to do. These days I've either been relapsing or dealing with the things I didn't do because I was sexting. Completely out of touch with myself, my body, now that I've shared it with so many people, without really knowing who they were.
But I can't change the past, what I've done or what has been done to me. I can, however, change the future, the plans I have for me, a beautiful human being who deserves to feel in control of his life. Just as you do.
I'm starting over here, with this jounal, but never giving up. Stay strong!