I don't want to be Done....

Patience

Member
So, what I wrote was too long for this forum, so I copied to a Word doc., and have attached. I think I may need some slapping around. Please help me.
I'm new, I'm "Patience" and I'm married to "Murgatroyd", who has not been exactly forthcoming about his porn use.

OK, I tried to attach a word document. No luck. What I have to say is more than will be allowed. Suffice it to say, Murgatroyd has been lying to me. I sent him this article in a last ditch effort to help him understand what his deceit has done to me.

I will try to post the rest in bits and pieces as this forum will allow. RIght now, I am too emotionally exhausted to do that, but will try to later.

Peace to you all.

Patience
 

Gracie

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Patience, thanks for sharing. A great many men do not fully understand how their path of porn consumption affects their partners. They often blame their partner for their addict use of porn, chat rooms and other women. They do not often look for how they have changed the relationship. Addict glasses truly change their perception.
 

BridgeTri

Member
Thank you for sharing, Patience. I'm sure this perspective will help me in my recovery. I wish you and your relationship all the best.
 

Gracie

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Fappy
Long time. Please do not go down the road of look this way, or do this it does not work. We have had women who got enhanced, had surgeries, lost weight, actually looked younger than their years. That is not what the addiction is about. Christie Brinkley’s husband was a porn addict. Married sex between husband and wife should be about mutual respect and consent. Not about the new and improved porn scene.
 

Sliced

Member
Another stunning post from Fappy here. Helpful as ever I see.
Fappy, have you ever actually read a single thing about porn addiction? All I see is you hovering round these forums advising women to please their men better and maybe they wont need porn.

I went off writing a big long post about everything that's wrong with what you said, but there is really no point. It's laughable that you advise someone to think logically when you have 0 knowledge and understanding about addiction.

Try reading a book, try taking some responsibility for your own self - top tip: that's actually the only way people get recovery.

Patience - dont listen to Fappy or many of the other men on here who are only interested in getting their penis working again and refuse to actually address why things got so bad for them that they did a behaviour so many times that they changed their brain chemistry...
Porn addiction is addiction. Rebooting is like an alcohol detox is to an alcoholic. It will cure the physical symptoms but it wont address what caused the issue in the first place.

You will need to do some work on yourself, whether you stay in the relationship or not because these things have deep impact on partners. But you arent to blame. You are not responsible for your partner. This isnt the 1920's you dont have to be a sex object just to please your man. You are a strong, capable woman and you have so much more to give than just sex.

Bloom online is great, I would highly recommend researching betrayal trauma.

Please look after yourself.
 

Patience

Member
Hi, I'm Patience, and I'm married to a guy who likes to watch porn.

Note I did NOT say "Porn addict", as he refuses to believe he has a problem in the addiction realm. However I believe we can agree he has an issue with LYING about his porn use. He knows I don't like it, for many reasons, so he takes the easy way out and lies about it. Here are the reasons I don't like his use of porn:

*I believe it may contribute to his DE. First and foremost. He has always had DE, taking sometimes hours to ejaculate. I have talked to him about this for YEARS, but his response was always (until recently) "You need more stamina", or, "You are out of shape". My fault. He started using porn at age 12 (print only), but used a vibrator to help him come. Could there possibly have been desensitization? I think we all know that a vagina cannot mimic the sensations of masturbation.

*I believe it normalizes sex acts that many women don't enjoy and, in some cases, are actually harmful to the woman. Anal sex. Swallowing. Golden showers. Choking. BDSM. God knows what else. There is a price many women pay for male pleasure. Whatever price that is, it shouldn't be because of some kink he got an eyeful of while watching porn. Please take the time to read The Female Price of Male Pleasure.

*I believe consciously, or unconsciously, he compares me to the actresses he watches. I'm 61. My body went through giving birth to his daughter. I lost most of that weight, but then gained a great deal of it back during middle age. Shame on me. I have since lost most of the middle age weight gain, though still have 5 pounds to go to reach my target weight. I don't have the tight body of a 20 year-old - I have lumps and bumps, and spider veins, and wrinkles and skin that is starting to look more and more like crepe paper. My boobs aren't as perky. And when he closes his eyes when we are having sex, I can only imagine what/who he is fantasizing about....and I assume it isn't me.

*He becomes a liar. He crosses the boundary of honesty. He calls it a "little" lie. What he cannot seem to grasp is that when he lies about that, it calls into question everything he claims to be truthful about. Affairs? "No". Dating sites? "No". Flirtations? "No". Porn use? "No". OK, so he lied about porn use. What about the rest? He lied about all those others in the past, too. Is he lying about them NOW? First part of post. History later, if you are interested.
 

Patience

Member
Another stunning post from Fappy here. Helpful as ever I see.
Fappy, have you ever actually read a single thing about porn addiction? All I see is you hovering round these forums advising women to please their men better and maybe they wont need porn.

I went off writing a big long post about everything that's wrong with what you said, but there is really no point. It's laughable that you advise someone to think logically when you have 0 knowledge and understanding about addiction.

Try reading a book, try taking some responsibility for your own self - top tip: that's actually the only way people get recovery.

Patience - dont listen to Fappy or many of the other men on here who are only interested in getting their penis working again and refuse to actually address why things got so bad for them that they did a behaviour so many times that they changed their brain chemistry...
Porn addiction is addiction. Rebooting is like an alcohol detox is to an alcoholic. It will cure the physical symptoms but it wont address what caused the issue in the first place.

You will need to do some work on yourself, whether you stay in the relationship or not because these things have deep impact on partners. But you arent to blame. You are not responsible for your partner. This isnt the 1920's you dont have to be a sex object just to please your man. You are a strong, capable woman and you have so much more to give than just sex.

Bloom online is great, I would highly recommend researching betrayal trauma.

Please look after yourself.
I didn't read Fappy's post, which appears to be Fine By Me. I don't need somebody blaming me for Murg's problem. Thank you, Sliced. I was given a couple of books on Codependency which I am reading and digesting. It rings true, for me.

At one point Murg told me that if I gave him all the sex he needed, and behaved like a porn star, then he wouldn't need porn. No mention of intimacy or connection. No mention of my needs, which include feeling like little more than an object (or a busted appliance).

He is in the process of unpacking a whole lot of K-wrap from his childhood, which may shed some light on his obsession.
 
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Sliced

Member
Patience I am so pleased that you know that the 'if you gave me sex, I wouldn't need porn' thing isnt correct. Seeking and chasing is a massive part of porn addiction - it's why porn addiction is a thing now, it wasnt back in the magazine/vhs days because your brain couldnt consume enough to *become* addicted.
He could have one of the porn actresses, she could be willing to give him whatever he wants whenever he wants, but it wouldn't be enough because she wouldn't meet his need for seeking and chasing. No human can.
I think that attitude is just a way of avoiding taking responsibility. And it is very very damaging.

I am really torn around giving advice to partners, in my early days I did way too much researching the addiction and not paying enough attention to myself. That being said, understanding the addiction actually did really help me.

If you want to understand more the book 'your brain on porn' is really good.

Although seeing that your partner doesnt accept he has a problem, this might not be the right advice for your situation. Take care :)
 

Sliced

Member
Patience, sorry I just wanted to say that I put a post on another thread (user Marbeck) that you might find helpful. By no means suggesting I am correct, but just my thoughts on another person's situation which is perhaps a little similar:)
 

Gracie

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Sliced, I think it is always helpful to share what worked for you, or things that were found along the way. This addiction hits partners in such a visceral way that learning there are others with information to share is a life boat. There were not many partner resources when I started my path as an so. I hopped into addict posts on Your Brain Rebalanced. Most of the men were great at answering my questions and hearing my tears as I struggled. It started getting a little Wild West and Gabe started this site. So happy we have a partner section!
 

bob

Respected Member
Patience, I am so sorry that you have to endure this. No one should have to deal with a partner that isn't appreciative of their spouse or significant other. That's what love is supposed to be about.

Sometimes we are off track, get sideways, and find ourselves lost but its important to realize the importance and honor of someone that loves you. That in itself should bring the individual back to the relationship.

Just my two cents. I just wanted to say, sorry.

Peace
 

Patience

Member
Patience I am so pleased that you know that the 'if you gave me sex, I wouldn't need porn' thing isnt correct. Seeking and chasing is a massive part of porn addiction - it's why porn addiction is a thing now, it wasnt back in the magazine/vhs days because your brain couldnt consume enough to *become* addicted.
He could have one of the porn actresses, she could be willing to give him whatever he wants whenever he wants, but it wouldn't be enough because she wouldn't meet his need for seeking and chasing. No human can.
I think that attitude is just a way of avoiding taking responsibility. And it is very very damaging.

I am really torn around giving advice to partners, in my early days I did way too much researching the addiction and not paying enough attention to myself. That being said, understanding the addiction actually did really help me.

If you want to understand more the book 'your brain on porn' is really good.

Although seeing that your partner doesnt accept he has a problem, this might not be the right advice for your situation. Take care :)
Your Brain on Porn is actually what got him considering that he *might* have a problem. That and the used of the word "hypersexualized" by a therapist wondering why I was attracted to such men.
 

joepanic

Well-Known Member
Ive been following this thread with interest I do have one question though There is a reference to "Fappy" having commented or expressed an opinion or something but I don't see it. Was it removed?
 
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